I can't believe my mom!

@mamasan34 (6521)
United States
December 6, 2007 11:21am CST
I just got off of the phone with my mother. I am just very upset right now. My husband broke the news to me that he couldn't pass his PT test because of his previous hip and leg injuries and his shoulder is killing him. We think he tore a rotator cuff. Anyhow, he missed his max run by 1 minute. We are both very disappointed, but I am more worried about him physically than anything else. If he has to get out of the Army, it's going to kill us financially but I would rather have my husband in one piece than crippled 10 years down the line. So, I was talking to my mom, for some reason thinking I might find some solace but apparently I was wrong. She told me that he was half a man, that he won't be able to support his family if he gets out of the army, that he has two children with another woman and he won't be able to support them either. To give a little history, my current husband is my first husband. We divorced after 5 years. He cheated on me with the woman who became his second wife. They divorced, I divorced my second husband and we had become friends over the years and found love again. So, now this is our third marriage and definitely final. So, my mother has some past issues with him that she has a hard time finding forgiveness for. I can understand that, and I can understand her disappointment. What I can't understand is her insults and putting my husband down when he so clearly is trying his best. I mean the man is in constant pain. He has ringing in both of his ears from a bomb exploding not 50 feet from him when he was in a convoy, he has a bad ankle, he broke his hip last year in October and the Army expects him to be able to run 2 1/2 miles in 17 minutes! Not to mention he injured his shoulder a few weeks back. I am also very angry because she calls herself christian and she has no forgiveness in her heart. It says in the bible, take the plank out of your own eye before you remove the speck from your brothers. It also says before you pay homage to God, go to your brother and make peace. I have forgiven him for all wrong doing in our past. He is a different man now and has proven that time and again. My mom says that he's half a man because he likes to play video games and watch anime movies and put model cars together and he happens to collect Lego's. SO WHAT! Those are my husbands hobbies! After all that he has been through and goes through he deserves to do whatever he wants. Anyhow, I need to stop. I am writing a novella here. Does anyone else have a mother like this? Please tell me I am not alone!
7 people like this
19 responses
@Modestah (11192)
• United States
7 Dec 07
I am so sorry for the turmoil you and your mother have sepearating you right now... As far as finances and the army, if he gets a medical discharge for injuries incurred during active duty does he not get a full pension? how many years has he served?
2 people like this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
7 Dec 07
He has only served 12 years total including his reserve time. He won't get a medical discharge because they will allow him to finish his enlistment out. However he can file for disability on his injuries aside from his hip. That happened outside of duty. His ankle, his ears and his shoulder should be able to be covered. It also depends upon how serious the injuries are that determines the amount of disability pay he would get. It's all very confusing and the rules keep changing! Anyhow, I am sure we will get through it all one way or another!
• China
7 Dec 07
oh i am sorry but you should take my idea. whenever you have do harm in your mum you are wrong
• United States
7 Dec 07
My future mother-in-law is like that towards me more so than my mother is towards my fiance. I mean, she has issues with him, but she doesn't really outright insult him and his character. My fiance's mother calls me names and insults me pretty much any chance she gets ever since we got engaged. I haven't spoken to her in over a year and I refuse to associate with her because of it.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
9 Dec 07
That's a shame that your having such problems with your mother in law. However it is good that your mom doesn't treat your husband like that. I wish things were different and that you and your MIL could get a long better. I know how difficult it is from my own past experience with MIL's and how they can affect a relationship. Thanks for the response!
• United States
9 Dec 07
Yeah. I think the deal-clincher was when we got engaged and the first thing out of her mouth was "what about Jennifer?" who was his ex from three years(at the time) ago who had cheated on him and whom he hadn't spoken to since he started seeing me. That was a major "wtf". NO congratulations, no compliments on my ring. Either ring as a matter of fact!(I really didn't like the first one, so we saved up for a diamond and when we showed it to her she pretty much just insulted me)
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
10 Dec 07
Oh that is just awful! I don't understand why people have to rain on your parade. If her son is happy with you then why can't she be happy as well? I bet she hasn't even taken the time to get to know you at all has she?
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
7 Dec 07
Ok Sweetie honest Opinion Your Mother should not talk about him like that What is in the past is in the past At the end of the Day it is you that matters and you have forgiven him, you love him and you are happy with him, so your Mum has no right to run him down to you Ok if she can't forgive him that is her problem but she is not even giving him a chance here so just ignore her or stand up to her and tell her Sweetie It is you and your Husband that matter and no one else I really hope all this gets sorted and that he will be ok The Army should be able to put him on Light Duties for the time being I hope it all turns out fine Hugs to you
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
7 Dec 07
Thanks Gabs! I agree. I did stand up to her yesterday about it. I told her I will absolutely not tolerate her putting my husband down or insulting him in my presence. That I don't have to explain him to her and we are happy together and he has made a lot of changes. I have come to terms for the most part about this, she did this in my 2nd marriage too. As for my husband, he went to see the medics and they put him on a profile and gave him meds for his pain and so on. Thanks for the support and I really do appreciate it.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
7 Dec 07
I am glad that you told her straight Sweetie it is you that counts Hugs
1 person likes this
@theprogamer (10539)
• United States
7 Dec 07
Wow... no offense but your mom seems to love throwing stones from her glass shed eh? Well, maybe she can tell its glass from up there on the high horse... I dont know. It's very funny she picks on him like this. She ever been in a warzone? She ever been through some of the pain he has? She ever tried any of the hobbies? /facepalm... /temple rub. Sigh... I'm sorry about that and I'm sorry this whole situation ended up like this. I hope your husband will recover as fast and as best as possible. I hope you and your family are doing alright in all this too. I want you all to be assured and safe. Probably not much but its how I feel. I do know your mother wants the best for you but throwing him under the aforementioned glass shed and high horse isn't the best at all. Not even close. Also...and I maybe wrong but it is what's written... I didn't see her doing much or finding a real way to help you and your family. All I saw was griping and putdowns.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
7 Dec 07
My mom has her way of helping, she is very quiet about it. She will pass money to me or buy me things to make it better. That's just her way. I need to be more patient with her. I think that she has seen me hurt by my husband in the past during our first marriage, and has yet to realize that he has changed and that we are doing well now. She does sit on a high horse and I joke about that because she is so short lol! I told her once that I forgive her for being on the high horse because she is so short, so this is a good vantage point for her. I've just got to let it go. This is how she handles things, right or wrong, but I know deep down she cares. Yesterday she called and asked if I was still upset and by that time I wasn't really, but that was her code for I overstepped my bounds and didn't mean to upset me. She is quite a mystery lol!
@theprogamer (10539)
• United States
10 Dec 07
Okay Mama-san. That does explain more of it. Still, here's to the best for you, your husband and your family.
• United States
7 Dec 07
You are definately not alone. I love my mom to pieces, but she does the same thing to me. She critisizes my husband as well, because of the past. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that they've seen us hurt by this person and it makes it hard for them to forgive. No mom wants to see their child hurt no matter how old their child is. It's annoying and can make you very angry at times, but you have to put yourself in her shoes. She has seen the pain from the past and fears you might go through that again. When my mom does this to me I either change the subject or say, would you look at the time, I have to go. It works sometimes. On a different note, I'm sorry to hear that your husband didn't pass the test. I'm sure you will both be fine and work out the kinks in your finiances.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
7 Dec 07
Hey girlfriend! I know that my mom cares and loves me deeply, but this is just her way of airing her frustrations over everything. I agree with you on that. I am going to have to apply your tactic to these types of situations. As for my hubby, things will work themselves out. I just have to have faith! Thanks for your support and response!
• United States
9 Dec 07
They will work themselves out! You know I am always here for you!
• United States
6 Dec 07
I'm sorry to hear that your mother is acting like that. I have to say that my mother gets along really well with my hubby and I can tell my mom anything and she understands. Your mom might have past issues with your husband but she needs to forgive and move on. You are with him again and she needs to respect you guys in the decisions you make. I'm sorry he can't pass the PT test. I hope he doesn't have to get out of the army. But if they do let him out then he can't help that and your mom shouldn't think any less of him because of it. I hope things get better for you.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
6 Dec 07
I completely agree with you. My mother has always had problems with my boyfriends and husbands. It affected my attitude towards them in the past, but this time I will not allow her opinion to affect me and my relationship. I am disappointed about him not being able to pass his PT test, but if he can't do it, he just can't. Maybe theres a bigger plan for us in the future. Anyhow, thanks for your response!
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
7 Dec 07
Mooch you are so right. My friend has been praying for me and my husband, and I have been praying. Tonight he called and said that he wasn't ready to give up and he was going to give it his all. He received a walking profile and can walk the 2 1/2 miles. So, I know what you say is right. Things will fall into place as long as we put it in God's hands. Thanks!
• United States
13 Dec 07
Sorry to hear that you have problems with your mother like this. Explain to your mom how you feel and maybe she will see that it hurts your feelings. I know my mom sometimes says things about my husband that makes me mad. I just try to ignore it though because i know that she means well. And im sure your husband is a very heroic man. It takes a lot to be in the service.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
14 Dec 07
Thanks! I appreciate the support. I have told her it makes me upset when she says things like that, but now she denies even saying them. It's maddening really! Thanks for the response!
10 Dec 07
I wish I had a mother too, at this time. Mine has gone from 11 years now and I miss her so much. Everybody has problems with his parents, children and friends but this is the way life is made. We need them in good and in bad times.Your mother doesn't support you ok this is her thought and you must do everything you can to change her point of view. Imagine if you haven't her at all. I would like to have my mom here with me now but I cann't so don't worry just be happy for the opportunity life gives to you time to time. I wish you to not have problems in the future with your husband and your family. Good luck
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
11 Dec 07
I sincerely appreciate your mother and I am sorry that you lost your mother so early on. I can't possibly begin to imagine losing my mom. As frustrating as she can be, she is my mom and I love her dearly and would do anything for her. I know I can't change her point of view, just time will be able to do that. Thanks for sharing and responding!
@4mymak (1796)
• Malaysia
10 Dec 07
i am so sorry for you mamasan, (not so much about your mom)- more about what's happening with your husband... i hope everything turns out okay - and he doesnt have to lose his job. moms can be cruel sometimes, cant they?. my mom talks down about my husband too, sometimes - more like blaming me - for not being able to find a 'better man'. i think they - or maybe it's just my mom, actually want us to live the life of a 'princess', and are just angry that the son-in-law, is not the 'prince' who could provide us such a comfy life, or worse yet... blaming us for not finding the prince that give us such a 'good' life.... am i 'overthinking' this subject ??... peace!
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
11 Dec 07
No you are not overthinking the subject. I think you hit the nail on the head really. My mom does say things about my husband but puts more blame on me for not making the "sound choices" she would have preferred for me. She wanted me to marry a doctor or someone who makes a good deal of money, but as I don't get sick often and my doctor is old and decrepit, I don't think that I would go that route lol! Right now, I am not working, we are a little tight, but this is the first time in 17 years that I have not HAD to work to make ends meet. It's a blessing and my husband gives me that opportunity even if it may be short lived. I appreciate that. Well, let me stop! Thanks for the response!
@secretbear (19464)
• Philippines
10 Dec 07
i can't believe your mom either. LOL i don't have a husband yet but my mother is not like that towards my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. at first she was skeptical and indifferent towards them, but when she saw that they are doing their best for my sister and brother, she became nice to them. i'm the one who is not nice to them. LOL anyway, i also think its better to have a husband in one-piece than a cripple one. if he's in one piece, even if he's not in the army anymore, he would still be able to earn money in other ways, although not as lucrative as in the army. but, its better that way than nothing right?? maybe your mother is just really getting old and cranky. ^__^;; i think you should just ignore what she said. she'll come out of it if he saw your husband doing his best, in or out of the army. ^__^
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
11 Dec 07
I agree with you and that is very good advice secretbear! My mom is mostly indifferent at most times, and when he is in her presence she does treat him nicely, but it's when she gets upset these things come out. anyhow, time will prove that my husband is a good man to her and that is all. I just need to have patience! LOL
@subha12 (18453)
• India
10 Dec 07
Look most probably it is from the fact that your mom is still not able to believe him. As you know he is trying his best whatever he can do, then its Ok. It is due to his pain only that he could not pass the PT test. Don't hear so much what your mother complains If you know taht it is not at all the reason.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
11 Dec 07
You are right. Since this last day, she hasn't said anyting about my husband. She asks about him and that is it. I am glad of that. I hope that she realizes taht is something I won't tolerate. However, I know she means well and I have to constantly keep that in mind. Thanks!
• United States
7 Dec 07
Oh yes. My mom gripes, complains and whines about everything. She loves to gossip and can not keep a secert for anything. She nags about everything and is never happy with anyone or anythings. She is a pessimist but I love her. She is my mom. She is not the one you go to for advice or to listen or for a sholder to cry on but she does have a big heart buried inside;; she jsut doenn't let many get to it. She has a shell that you have to break through.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
7 Dec 07
are you sure we don't share the same mother? hahahaha! My mother is very much like that as well. Thanks for sharing and responding!
@mouse27 (1155)
• Canada
7 Dec 07
well i may have a little story that my air cadet leader told us one day. he told us a story about a man in the army who because of medical problems could not run the early morning 10 mile run he would always be out of breath and have to fall out after a half a mile then one day a guy from the platoon told him to just try to make it the length of one block and keep doing that til the end. the man tried this and when he did he was able to run the whole 10 miles without taking a break and without stopping. the point of this story is if you break down a really hard task like running 2 and a half miles into blocks and just try to make it one block at a time. it makes the task extremly easy and you will be amazed at what you can acheive when you just take it one step at a time. tell your husband to try this do a practice run with him and then ask him how he feels after 2 and a half miles is 25 blocks remember that
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
7 Dec 07
He said his biggest problem is that they yell the time out halfway through and that causes him to throw himself off. I keep telling him to not listen to that and concentrate on his running alone. His injuries cause him great pain when he runs, but he did so good this time he only missed it by a minute. But he went and got a walking profile from the medics where he is at and they said that he should be able to at least do that. I will tell him about your method and hopefully that will help him!
• Canada
7 Dec 07
I felt such joy while reading your story now my heart feels so full I can barely attain it. How blessed you both are to have found each other again. I am sure you both have learnt from the past and you are both probably changed for the better because of it. Now you are a gift of love to each other. Wow, it can't be better then that in life to have a second chance! LOL don't get me wrong I am in a second marriage and it is my second chance as finally I have a good man in my life. For the both of you what a wonder gift. I pray God will intervene in your struggles and give you both the strength and grace to go through it. May Gods healing power be upon your husband. Just ask him. I don't know where you and your husband are with that but really, God doesn't mind you asking for His help. You just never know when a miracle is going to happen; but if you ask not, you receive not! I am blessed for reading your story.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
7 Dec 07
Thanks! I am glad that you got some joy out of reading about my story. It really has brought much happiness to my life since we have come back together. I pray all of the time for his safety and for God to bless him in his time of need. My husband is not a religious person and has no belief system, but we are working on that. He grew up in a deeply religious household and it drove him away I think. I have recently returned to the church and I have made myself right with God. I still have a long way to go though! But overall, I think that with God in our lives we can overcome anything. Thanks so much for your support!
@asgtswife04 (2482)
• United States
7 Dec 07
Girl, you are so not in this alone. My mother is the same way about my husband over some past issues that you already know of. I feel like I am constantly having to defend him all the time and it really gets old. My husband plays video games and puts toy cars together to, but so what...like you said. if it gives them peace and it gives them an outlet out of all the bull they have to go through in the military, let them have there hobby time. I am so sorry that your mother is saying all of those horrible things about him. I have talked to you quite a bit about both of our stories and i know how difficult things can get. keep your eyes focused on your husband and how he's doing and just let go of the things your mother says. she definitely needs to be praying, as well as my mother does, that they can find forgiveness and let the past go. no one is perfect, but if they are trying give them that chance. talk to me later on. good luck girl and let me know how everything works out. God bless you and your husband
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
7 Dec 07
Thanks girlfriend! I know our stories are a bit similar after we have talked and gotten to know each other. It is tough not having the support of our moms in most cases, but it's not impossible. I know my mom cares about me and this is just her way of showing it, but jeez, come on! It's very frustrating nonetheless! I will try talking to you tonight. I was having some issues last night! Talk to you soon!
• China
7 Dec 07
Hi! I am very sorry to hear your disappointment. Why not point a day to chat with your mon deeply. All of us ,as the daughter or son , know what our parents do is for us.I thinks she just want to protect your from being hurt again. maybe she acted in a wrong way. The best way for you to do is keep patient and saying kindly to with your mom, let her know and understand what you mean. You need her solace and encourage, right? Let's believe if you treat with your mom patiently and lovely . she will do it for you in the same way ,it is just the problem of time and how did you do.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
7 Dec 07
that is a good piont and I will take it into consideration. I have tried this method before and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I think she knows she stepped over the line this time. I do need encouragement from my family but it's not the most important. I do have friends that are my support system at this time and that seems to help me quite well at this time. Thanks!
• Philippines
7 Dec 07
Hello there Mamasan !!!! Nope you're not alone... i mean my mom ain't like that but i know of some who have parents like that... and there are some too have an unforgiving heart despite time that passed... i may be guilty at times too... but going to what you're saying, i believe that it's better that your husband comes home in one piece. It might affect your family financially but there are lots of work online for the meantime.... plus prayers.... :-) Take care Mamasan
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
7 Dec 07
Thanks that is very true. I want my husband to make the right decision for him. I think we are all guilty of being unforgiving at times but my mom really has the market cornered sometimes. I could have done something 20 years ago and she remembers it like it was yesterday and still holds it against me. LOL, anyhow, she's a good woman and I respect her very much, I just resent how she treats my husband sometimes. Thanks so much!
@carolbee (16241)
• United States
6 Dec 07
I can understand your mom's skeptical opinion of your husband as his past might make her uncomfortable. However, your mother needs to respect your decision to stay with your husband and the fact you are happy. She should be extremely happy that you are happy. Most mothers want their children to be happy, content and self sufficient. This makes our job as a parent pretty complete. We never had any issues with my mother but my husband's mom had a problem since we were different religions. Eventually she got over it and accepted me for who I was and the fact I could produce three grandkids for her. It all worked out very well and we were good friends. I wish you the best. Wish there was something more I could suggest or say to help you along. Always remember, regardless of how or what your mother says to you, that she loves you.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
7 Dec 07
I do know above all else that she does love me. She is just very gruff and she isn't the most emotional person in the world. She handles things the way she handles things and I just have to work around that. I need to just keep my mouth shut about these types of issues with her. I am glad that your relationship with your MIL worked out in the end. I do understand that because my husbands mother is a Jehovah's Witness and they are very adamant about marrying outside of their beliefs or marrying someone with no intention of converting. We had a few issues with religion as well. But we get a long better now. Thanks so much for your thoughts and support.
• United States
6 Dec 07
Before responding about your mother, let's talk about your husband. If all and or part of his injuries occurred while he was in the Army(those preventing him from passing his PT), you need to get as much documentation as possible.I.E. Doctors records. hospital records, signed and notarized statements from other military personnel who were present when the injuries occurred and anything else you can think of. Also, your husband needs to contact the legal staff at his base and let them know of his concern about being discharged because he was unable to pass the PT. This is free advise and make sure you document everything he does, people he talks to, date/time, what was said ect. Talk to the Base Chaplain. If his injuries were a result of military service and he can't pass PT and they decide to discharge him, the only thing I see is a Military Disability Retirement, where he will receive a Military Retirement Compensation. Now, for your mother, many people have mothers or fathers who are far worst than your mother. She was wrong making those statements and many men enjoy the same hobbies that your husband does. I'd rather see him home doing his hobbies than out on the town blowing the families money. There is probably alot of deep seated resentment from your divorce from him that she just can't let go of. Your husband is probably going to have to make an extra effort to mend this relationship. You ask why your husband, well somebody has to forgive and make the effort if you want to salvage a good mother/ daughter/ grandchildren relationship. Regardless of the out come of your husbands career in the military, I liked what you had to say about you would rather have your husband in one piece instead of crippled 10 years down the road. Now, remember this if something should happen. There are plenty of jobs for people,handicapped or not, if you are willing to put forth the effort. I too, once faced a similar curcumstance. After being in law enforcement for 9 years, married with 2 young children, I hurt myself off duty which left me with a permanent limp. I was worried that I was going to be terminated but fortuneatly my strong suit wasadministrative with most assignments being in suits off the street. In addition, I was surrounded by alot of good people who went out of their way to help me. After putting in my 25 years I retired. In 2004, I had my third knee surgery during which my doctor made 3-4 crucial mistakes, leaving me permanently handicapped. Now, I can walk with one crutch and do about anything any body else can do. Through all of it, the support and love of my wife made the difference whether I was successful or not.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
7 Dec 07
Wow, thanks for the advice. I will definitely speak to my husband about following this information and keeping documentation about it. That's very important from what I understand about the military. I am sorry that you went through your experience. I know it had to be hard for you and worrisome for your family. I can understand that. Honestly, one way or another I know we will be fine somehow. I just have to have faith and keep my feelings in focus no matter what happens. Thanks so much for the information and the support!