Help For Abused Men Is Non Existant

@wolfie34 (26820)
United Kingdom
December 6, 2007 1:55pm CST
When you think of abusive relationship and victims and people who need support in abusive relationships be it mental or physical, straight away you'd think about women! I was dismayed today that there is absolutely NO HELP, no refuge centres, no man only support groups or victim support solely for men! Men are not recognised as being victims or being associated with being the recipients of abuse in any form! I inquired today and was told that there was nothing in the borough that supported men from abusive relationships I find that terrible, is it because men refuse to show their feelings, refuse to come forward and admit and stand up and say I've been in an abusive relationship! When I was trapped in my relationship I rang so many organizations NONE of which could help me because I was MALE! Men do get abused, attacked and find themselves in abusive and horrific relationships, but there is no support for them? It is very sad, I was lucky because I found the strength to leave, it wasn't easy and I had to lie to get myself OUT! I had to do it ON MY OWN, because there was no one out there to support me! (apart from my friends both on and offline) no what I am saying is there is no BODY or ORGANIZATION that supports men in abusive relationships It's the 21st century, and I feel something should be done about it Is it a different story in your country? How do you feel about men in abusive relationships? Should men put up with it? Should men continue to hide their feelings for the fear of seen as being weak? A solicitor told me today that I had made a major step by escaping my relationship, even if I had to lie, I was on the road to recovery. But some men don't get the chance to escape, they feel trapped, suicidal and feel no one is out there to help them. No one is there to rescue them... Thank you for reading, I just wanted to share my thoughts and hopefully here from my friends on Mylot about the subject of MEN in abusive relationships And just who is out there who can support survivors who are MALE...
11 people like this
18 responses
@worldwise1 (14888)
• United States
7 Dec 07
What you say is very true, wolfie, and it is because most people don't give the idea a second thought. Thanks to men like yourself who have been getting the word out, abuse to male victims is being talked about and recognized. I feel that it is only a matter of time until some type of support system is initiated. Men are traditionally viewed as abusers themselves, and until recently many people had no idea that male partner abuse had such a high rate. You could take the next step by becoming an activist on behalf of your cause, speaking out and helping to organize support for men who find themselves in your former situation.
3 people like this
@wolfie34 (26820)
• United Kingdom
7 Dec 07
If I could help just ONE man out there, then that'll be satisfaction for me. I hope that somewhere a man is reading this or hearing what I have been through and that NO it is NOT weak to admit you are being abused, in any way. You are actually STRONG!
2 people like this
8 Dec 07
Go for it! You're in a prime spot being in London. Don't stop here on this message board. What's to stop you starting up a charitable organisation once you have a few fellow sufferers with the aim of setting up a refuge yourself? - and get it out on the media!
1 person likes this
@raydene (9875)
• United States
6 Dec 07
Hi Sweets, Here in US we have domestic abuse hotlines,houses,support for men as well as women but from vollenteering I can tell you that most men will not come forth..Especially men that abused by women ...They are very ashamed that this is happening and the longer it goes on the less power the abused has.. Honey keep checking..There may be support in your country also. You are always in my prayers. xoxoxo
3 people like this
@wolfie34 (26820)
• United Kingdom
7 Dec 07
Trouble is I'm a soft old wolf! I should show my fangs more, trouble is mental abuse is far worse than physical. I wish it had of been physical in a way. Thanks my dear friend, I know you have been through hell too, what are we like eh? Have a paw around you we both deserve a hug xxx
2 people like this
@weemam (13389)
22 Dec 07
Hugs and kisses to both of you my very dear friends xxx
6 Dec 07
It really annoyed me the other day when there was an advert on the radio to encourage those suffering domestic violence to do something about it. It annoyed me because it gave a recording of a man giving verbal abuse to his wife. I said at the time - "but what about abused husbands?" The problems that abused husbands have is the fear that they will not be believed. They also cannot retaliate like a woman can because they will be the ones accused if they do
@wolfie34 (26820)
• United Kingdom
6 Dec 07
Thank you very much for your response. When I did make a fuss I was made out to feel 'weak' and I could see the questioning looks Why would a 36 year old man be in an abusive relationship in the first place? Why can't he sort it out himself and get on with his life! There's too much stereotyping!
1 person likes this
@theprogamer (10539)
• United States
8 Dec 07
Sorry for the interruption. I just had to post this. Its an organization that deals with domestic abuse situations for BOTH men and women http://dahmw.org/ I wanted to post that for Wolfie and for anyone else.
• United States
6 Dec 07
Sadly man can be in a abusive relationship abused thier wife . It can become sadly reversed . As what happen to my spouse . They need support groups etc ... So remember at least you are not alone crazy etc ... REACH OUT until you get the help you need .Jesus can heal a broken heart from abuse and set you free.My spouse can testify to this. There is HOPE sadly just hard to find but it is out there.
3 people like this
@tiffiny (872)
• United States
6 Dec 07
I am glad that you got out of your relationship. But I have heard of male groups in passing. They just aren't really widly known becuase it is considered weak for men to admit that they are the ones being put down. But if you want that to change why don't you start a support group. You can start small and do it on-line and work your way up to getting a place to meet and everything like that.
2 people like this
@wolfie34 (26820)
• United Kingdom
6 Dec 07
That's exactly what the solicitor said to me today, he even encouraged me to train as a support worker for men!
2 people like this
6 Dec 07
Yes you had the strength to get out and do it on your own. You are now a stronger and wiser person for it. You are in a prime position to help others. Don't just start a support group - get the message out to the media and to politicians. Make it nationwide - make it worldwide if you can. I think once one man is brave enough to make his story very public then others will have the courage to come forward too and tell their stories and others still dreading their homelife and fearing their female partners to seek help. It is probably just as much a problem in the gay community too.
2 people like this
@tiffiny (872)
• United States
6 Dec 07
So obviously many people are aware that this is an issue that needs to be addressed. Are you thinking about doing it or what? If you yourself don't want to you could always write to your congressman or something like that to start legislation to get a safe house just for men.
2 people like this
@maximax8 (27333)
• United Kingdom
8 Dec 07
I think that it is terrible that there is no help for men that are in an abusive relationship. Whether it is emotionally, like the woman telling the man that unkind things or physical, like the woman is hitting the man it makes him feel sad. He might not have anyone to discuss this with. He is likely to feel cross with society when he realizes that there is only support for women in an abusive relationship. A man that admits his feelings is strong in my opinion. He should not be made to keep his feelings hidden in fear that others will assume he is weak. It is amazing when a man in an abusive relationship gets the courage to get away from it, to break free and have their life change completely. This might be the for the worse initially and it may take them time to get over all the mental pain they have been through. Thinking about couples I think only compatible relationships work. One person might bring out the worst in another person, if so they should not be together. If a person feels trapped it is difficult for them to see hope. Without hope deep depression can be difficult to lift. I hope that this discussion will be read by other people that are in an abusive relationship and give them the idea that it is worth getting out of. The solicitor that you saw is right you made a major step in escaping the abusive relationship that you were in.
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26820)
• United Kingdom
8 Dec 07
Thank you my friend I know this for certain it has put me off relationships for life! I have had nothing but support from my friends on this site and none of them have made me feel that as a man I am weak for speaking out or getting out or telling other people my story.
@maximax8 (27333)
• United Kingdom
8 Dec 07
Yes, you should be proud for speaking about this issue. Your friends like me on this site support you. It is such a shame that this abusive relationship has put you off relationships for life. For now the single life is good and just maybe in the years to come you might meet a woman that you will respect you and give you the loving relationship you deserve.
• United States
29 Feb 08
I do believe the reason that men are not included in abused people is because of the reason you stated in the discussion. It is wrong because men just as well as women can be the target of abuse. There is a movie out that shows a man being abused by his wife and from all outside appearances they looked like a happy couple. When it finally came out that his wife was abusing him his Dad asked him why he didn't say something to him and the man looked at him and said would you really have believed me. His father looked at him and said nothing. It is still is hard for most to believe that men can be abused today but the awareness is getting out there. Sometimes people have a narrow minded view of what kind of things happen.
1 person likes this
@weemam (13389)
22 Dec 07
I have read all the responses pal and they are great , All I can say is you are a different person since you left him , You are so much more positive and you seem so happy , Take care pal , luv ya xxxx
1 person likes this
@Eskimo (2317)
22 Dec 07
There seems to be organisations to help every kind of abused people except men (especially white Anglo Saxon straight ones who are disability free). Its as if they are the only ones who cause all the problems for everyone else, so are not deserving of any kind of help themselves. I read somewhere that nearly 50% of people who are the victims in an abusive relationship are male, but most won't even admit to anyone else that they have problems. It is time that there was help for these unfortunate people as well. Being able to admit to it (even if its only to yourself) is a good first step in the ending of this kind of relationship, and regaining a new abuse free life.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Dec 07
Your completely right. All the help that i see is for women. Theres so many places around here that help women out but not men. I think the reason for this is because most people think that its just women that get abused. Maybe someone should try to do something to change this.
1 person likes this
@Debs_place (10528)
• United States
12 Dec 07
Well, if there are no support groups, I can you can go to a psychiatrist/psychologist. Maybe there is one who specifically deals with males in who have been in an abusive relationship and a support group could be formed from there, provided there is an interest in that. I guess that is the only hope I can offer you.
1 person likes this
@Malyck (3428)
• Australia
9 Dec 07
Of course men should not have to continue to pretend to live up to the macho, no-emotion ARCHAIC portrayal of what a "man" should be. I'm absolutely gobsmacked that you have no support centres there. I know very well that men can just as easily be emotionally, physically and psychologically abused in their relationships. My father's last relationship, before my mother, was a physically abusive one, where she would come home and beat him up, and my father is certainly not a weak or "push over" kind of guy. Here in Australia, we almost have as many male refuges as we do for women and children. Finally, in the last 10 or so years, there has been a great deal of recognition for this supposed "role reversal". A few years ago in Highschool, we were require to participate in a program called "Love Bites", which explored abusive relationships, in all their aspects, but hardly dealt with males being beaten, or abuse in homosexual relationships. No-one else seemed to be bothered by this, because apparently only heterosexual women get beaten. I'm glad that the profile is getting more widely known, but the fact that you could find no help is absolutely sickening. No person of any age, gender or orientation should have to suffer alone at the hands of societies expectations and shortcomings. Mal.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Dec 07
You're absoultely right Wolfie, there is min to no help for males in abusive relationships. They have safe houses all over the place for women to stay in, but not a one for a man. That is rather sad that they have stereotyped only women being abused. I've noticed this myself and thought about how society puts a stereotype on certain things in this world when I was answering some other discussions on here about men getting the shaft all the time. I don't think men who express their feelings are weak, as I'm sure so many other's feel the same way I do. It's society and what they have had to say about the male role in life that put's pressure on men. Women are overly supported in many ereas where men are not. Child support, alimony, divorces, domestic disputes...while woman have all the support even when they don't deserve it. We fail to recognize that men need this support at times too, maybe not as often as women, but they still need it and deserve to have it available. I'm glad you got out of there when you did. There is no telling what she would have done. You know, this makes me think about my neighbor who just moved. Even though he was a peeping tom and a drunk, he is continually abused by his girlfriend. I've witnessed him stabbed and my friend just told me yesterday she saw him at the bank and he was beat up pretty badly. I felt so terrible hearing this, he just really seemed like that goofy dog that is just so loveable. lol You know? He's really harmless, he just drink's a lot. Bay Lay Gray xx
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
8 Dec 07
I do not know if there is any help for abused men here in Canada. I know that if a man beats up a woman, then everyone is ready to help him, but not every man is a muscular strong man, many are slight and small boned and if they happen to marry a woman who looks like a lady wrestler and uses her strength to their advantage, no one would help them. There should be a society that should. A man who is strong but if he defends himself would be blamed for the abuse, is also powerless. A woman who beats up on a man is no lady, and should not be called a poor helpless victim.
• Singapore
7 Dec 07
There are such organizations here. In fact, this topic got a little airing recently. It is inevitable. Women are demanding equal rights and have got it in most places. Since they used to be abused by men, they want to get equal and take revenge. Sorry to hear you got stuck at the wrong end. Oh well, take heart, be strong, be a werewolf.
• Saint Lucia
7 Dec 07
this might sound funny but i have heard of many men being physically abused by the girlfriend or wife. is your discussion based on facts? there are many organizations that seek to help men in abusive relationships. maybe you havn't searched for them but i know for a fact htat they are out there. you partially correct though because the number of organizations out there for men is mediocre compared to the numbers they have out ther for women. and based on stastistics more women get abused in relationships. hence the reason for this. so it's not a matter of men not getting abused but who gets abused most and who gets abused more often.
• India
7 Dec 07
Oh yes, this is something that I have to agree with you. Being a woman, I know just how much my fellow sisters are oppressed and victimized specially in the Indian subcontinent but everything said and done, I do see battered husbands who are nothing more than a money machine for their wife. The Indian law has suddenly woken up to women’s harassment and nowadays its very easy to put the husbands (and their families) behind bars on various sorts of incidents (some of which can be fabricated too). But the law is horribly biased when the husbands are concerned with practically nothing against the wife in particular. Husband harassment is treated as general crime and violence, nothing special. But this is something that I guess you guys will have to live thru after centuries of domination over us he he he
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
7 Dec 07
I am a female and I escaped a very abusive relationship several years ago thanx to much help from a support group. I try to help and encourage others to leave such relationships and that includes many men who are also victims of abuse. The problem is that men are even less willing to come open about the abuse than women are. Women's centers came about as a result of women grouping together and starting up such places to help each other. Men don't do that. Men can go into a womens crisis center and will get directed to councel...most don't. Men, like yourself, really need to raise awareness and form such groups. Men are more apt to complain that no such group exists rather than do the work to create one as we did. It would be really refreshing if men joined in and fought against abuse against anyone and we could have help for abuse that was not gender biased. You men that are being abused really need to take a stand and join us.