Kindness is my weakness

United States
December 30, 2007 12:31am CST
I am to dang nice to people and it kicks me in the bottom sometimes cause i just cant seem to say no. How do you learn to be aggressive? how do you learn to say no? what do you do to make youself get stronger? it seems i always think of how other will feel or what others will think and i wont say no or anything negative because i dont want to hurt peoples feelings. Yes i get hurt all the time but it seems i never learn my lesson......any suggestions on what i can do ???
4 people like this
13 responses
• Philippines
30 Dec 07
It's so hard for me to not to be nice to people. I don't want other people to think of me as not nice.. i can't seem to say no because I don't want to hurt other people's feelings. Through the years, I'm trying to improve myself and it might help if you think of yourself first, because it's more important to not to get yourself hurt. Think of yourself first before other people. That gets me through it.
• Philippines
18 Apr 08
I understand how you feel. I was having that dilemma before but I resolve to change gradually. change in a way that I resolve to not to be a people pleaser or just be also Nice to myself. When you are too Nice people tend to abuse you in some way or another. just remember that you must also love & respect yourself, after all how Can you spread love & kindness when you can't even love yourself? Besides you can't please all the people around you, even if your extremely nice to them, they will always find ways to see the negative side of you, or just comment negatively about you. just give yourself a break too.
@piatos03 (396)
• Philippines
5 Jan 08
I used to have this same problem as well. It was really hard to say no to people. I wanted to be a part of this certain group so bad, that I basically let them step all over me. I did their papers and accompanied them everywhere, all in exchange for their friendship. I eventually realized how stupid it all was and stopped being friends with them. Turns out I didn't have that much in common with them. I found new friends who I truly bonded with and who wanted to be friends with me for me. The thing you have to ask yourself is, why are you letting them do that to you? Is there something that they have that you really want? Cos if there is, I'm sure that there are other ways to get it. USually it's acceptance. But is that all there really is? That's all you have to find out. The reason. Figure out what it is because once you do, I think you'll find that you had the strength in you all along. Good luck!
@Sissygrl (10915)
• Canada
31 Dec 07
I am usually the same way, but lately i been gettin real sick of people! So i just been listening to that little voice in the back of my head telling me DONT DO IT. DONT FALL FOR IT, IT'S ANOTHER TRICK. lol. Cause i am just SICK of people walking over me, and i end up doing everything while they FORSURE must be sitting back and giggling to themselves thinking HA HA i got away with it again.. JUST GET MAD! :)
• United States
31 Dec 07
You have to think about yourself more. I never had a problem saying no.I know what I can do and what I can't do. I am nice to people but I don't let people push me into doing anything I don't feel right about. It is good that you think of how the other person feels but you have to protect your self respect.
@morphina (51)
• United States
31 Dec 07
There is a way to be kind without letting others take advantage of you. over the years I have found that I dont' have to say yes to everything someone asks me to do. I can help people out without having to be at thier beck and call. Sometimes you just need to learn to put yourself first or you will be taken advantage of again and again and hurt. Its ok to tell someone no. It doesn't make you a mean person, nor does it make you a bad person. It just means you know how to stand up for yourself and be assertive
@roberten (3131)
• United States
31 Dec 07
Would you rather hurt their feelings by saying no, are enable them to continue this not-so-good behavior (taking advantage of others). You are not weak, you are a classic enabler. To get others to change, you first must change. What are you getting out of these toxic relationships? What is it about your past that has lead you to enable negative behavior in others? Recognize your personal worth and start saying "no" if you really do not want to do what is asked of you. Change comes from within, no one can effect the change you seek except yourself. Wishing to change is the first step to making it a reality; checkout Alanon for some general principles for change. You can do whatever you set your mind to, have a little faith, have a little faith.
@Stiletto (4584)
30 Dec 07
I used to be like that but not anymore. You need to be more assertive, not aggressive. There are ways to say no nicely to people and it gets easier with practice. The next time someone asks you to do something that you don't really want to do why not try saying no and give them the reason why not (assuming your reason isn't something that might start a big row of course!). Of course at first it will take people time to get used to you being more assertive and it's perfectly true that some people may not like it but heck - you can't please everyone no matter how hard you try! There is nothing wrong with being concerned about other people's feelings. We should all be like that ideally, but that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat and let others walk all over you because that is what some people will do if given the chance!
• United States
30 Dec 07
pimpsterque, You can be nice to people and still say no. You can never be too nice to anyone. While being nice to someone might turn around and kick you in the bottom, it sound like being nice is just a part of your character. I really understand what you mean and how you feel sometimes. I use to be same way. I had to learn how to say no. It very hard too but I realized saying yes to everything wasn't always in my best interest. I also realize why I said yes. I too was always concerned how other people would feel or what others would think. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feeling either - but - I learned, even though I was concerned how other people felt, my opinion mattered. Even though I was concerned what other people would think, I had to learn, I'm not responsible for what other people think. I'm only responsible for what I think and how I treat people. I was so concerned how other people viewed me and I wanted them to like me I would do things to be nice, that could eventually harm me. I wanted them to like me, but I didn't much like myself. I had to learn my own value - to myself - before I could continue to be nice or concerned how other people felt. When I learned my own value, I realized what they thought about me wasn't an issue anymore. I made myself say no when I felt the need. The first couple of times, I was so proud of myself for having the ability and honesty to say no, that eventually, it became easier and easier. I could say no with the drop of a hat if I thought I needed to. I can still be nice, in fact, I think I'm one of the nicest people I know. What someone else thinks is not up to me to begin with, so that fear fell by the wayside. I say yes when the times are right and I say no when I need to - AND - I'm still a nice person. To thine own self be true. If you are a genuinely nice person and an honest one, the people who see that will appreciate it when you say no.
• Kuwait
30 Dec 07
Its the saddest thign to say, but if we can always say yes then we are you furtunate to have things all the time. but we can also say no for the time that we can't do it. so just be polite,, i know its hard to refuse but what we can do?
@kimiyu (47)
• China
30 Dec 07
Actually,I have the same problem with you ,sometimes i really want to say no but i can't open my mouth.Fortunately , my wife is good at it,she helps me a lot.
@funfreak2k2 (1740)
• India
30 Dec 07
i sued to be like you. but no more. when i had many experiences like you, i started getting stronger and hard psychologically. i still help when they are in need and not because what others are going to think and say about me.
@kimbers867 (2540)
• United States
30 Dec 07
The bottom line is if you don't want to do it, for whatever reason, just tell them no. After spreading myself too thin with work, two kids, volunteering all the time, it had to stop. I would say yes to too many things and then I couldn't get things done. So now, if I know I can't get it done I say no. When I tell the person no, I just tell them I don't have time but if they need me for something else keep me in mind, AND if it will fit into my schedule I will glad to help out. You are not being aggressive but saying no, you are being assertive. You can't worry about what other people think, or you will drive yourself crazy. You need to worry about yourself, are these people around when you need them?
• Philippines
30 Dec 07
Keep in mind that we cannot please everyone. Guilt sometimes makes us say yes even if we really want to say no. Tell yourself that it's okay to put yourself first at times. It's not being selfish. It's just just being good to yourself. Before, I also find it difficult to say no, but now, I have learned to be more assertive. We do not have to really explain ourselves to everyone. If you practice doing it now, you'll see that eventually they will stop asking those sort of favors from you. Some people ask you for those favors because they think that you would give in, they see some hint of powerlessness in you. Learn to be more assertive. Cheers!