Estranged in-laws - How are the grandkids are affected?

December 31, 2007 12:34am CST
I get it! Mother-in-laws are upset that their baby boy is moving on - whatever!My mother-in-law has been giving my husband trouble since he was a kid, but he has always just handled it and forgiven her and moved on. Now, the jabs she used to take at him are shoved towards me, our newborn, and my mother somehow! I'll spare you the details, but at Thanksgiving there was an extremely disfunctional "Jerry Springer" type argument between my hubby and his mother that resulted in her never being welcomed in our house again. We have apologized to her for things that were said in the heat of the argument (hubby's family are not "talkers" they are "yellers" - Ha!), but she refuses to aplogize. Why are people so judgemental and hateful? What am i supposed to tell my daughter when she asks why my hubby's mother doesn't come around like my mother does (lives 6 hours away and loves my husband - seen my daughter more than hubby's mother has)? Do i actually say we just don't get along with daddy's mom? That sounds horrible! UGH!
3 people like this
5 responses
@academic2 (7010)
• Uganda
1 Jan 08
My mother would never do that to me, but if she ever did, I would either move to the furthest end of the country and settle there or fly out of the country! That must be a monster mother in law, and I would rather not hae such an abusive mother associate with my kids
1 person likes this
@asgtswife04 (2482)
• United States
1 Jan 08
Sounds to me like she has a lot of issues that she needs to deal with within herself. As for what to tell your daughter...if she doesn't even come around at all anymore, i wouldn't say anything really. I mean, if your mom visits her and she has a relationship with her, then why even try to explain that to her at that age. When she's older and asks if daddy has a momma, then i would just explain to her that yes he does, but she just doesn't get along with you all. Not involving your daughter, of course. It's definitely not her fault as it is not your fault. That woman just really needs to look within herself and get over what ever she is trying to hold against anyone or herself. It only causes bitterness and hatred, when it's really probably at herself and not even her son or you. Just be patient though...she may come around. You never know, God works in mysterious ways when we let Him. Keep us posted and God bless
1 person likes this
@ctrymuziklvr (11059)
• United States
31 Dec 07
Just to answer your question of how the grandkids are affected...from personal experience I say it depends on what kind of grandparents the kids don't have any contact with. My ex wouldn't have anything to do with our grandkids until they were old enough not to 'bother him'...he never did like kids and is a man who basically has no feelings. Now that they are teenagers he might see them once every 6 months. They aren't missing anything by not seeing him believe me. Their grandmother on the fathers side is just as bad if not worst and never has any time for her grandkids. I...on the other hand..lol! was not able to have any contact with my grandkids due to the abusive relationship my daughter was in and it hurt me as much as it hurt those kids. Now that the relationship is over I have my granddaughter all the time and we have a very loving and wonderful relationship. No, never say you don't get along with the grandparents it doesn't help especially if the child is young. When she asks tell her they are very busy people and when they have the time they will visit or you will visit them. Once she is older it will be much easier to explain and that's only if things don't change by that time.
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
31 Dec 07
My mom and my dad's mom did not get along at all while I was growing up. My mom told me alot of dirt about my gram. I would not recommend doing that. As a kid, I found myself often in the midst of their conflicts...not a good spot. I think you should just tell your children that you don't know way gram never comes around. I think you should make it clear to her that the kids need her in their lives and not do a thing to block them from forming a relationship. If she still chooses to stay away and miss out on her grandchildren then they will be distant to her from her own doing and hers alone. If you are supportive of their relationship with Gram regardless of your own personal feelings, the kids can't blame you for lack of closeness. It will be her loss only.
1 person likes this
@blueunicorn (2409)
• United States
31 Dec 07
My husbands family and us don't get along too well. For years we have struggled to make the relationship work, but since last year it really hasn't gone well at all. My in-laws live about 5 miles from us, but we haven't seen them since last February. Anyway, my kids are 5 and 6 years old and they don't really ask about the grandparents unless my husband or I bring them up in conversation. Maybe my kids are just not thinking the way that adults do because they've never been close to their grandparents. Maybe my kids just don't care because my mom and dad see them often and gives them all they need from grandparents. Whatever the reason, at this point they just don't ask, so I don't push the issue. On occassion when they do ask (like when my youngest got a birthday card from my in-laws but they didn't come to her party) we tell the girls that some grandparents have a closer relationship with kids than others. Their grandparents love them, but they have other things they need to do right now. I know that's not going to last for much longer, but we try to kind of guide the kids off the subject without bad-mouthing the grandparents. Eventually the kids are going to grow up and form opinions of their own. At that time, that is their choice. For now, we feel it is our jobs to help the kids know that they are loved and cared for (by pointing out others they do have relationships with). I hope this has helped. I know its confusing to try to get into words!