Should one keep suffering when a relationship has gone sour ?

India
January 2, 2008 12:54am CST
My best friend has a very bad marriage. He is a very soft spoken man with infinite kindness. However he landed into a marriage with a bullying wife. He is suffering like hell, but all these years he carried on for the sake of his children. Now they have grown big, but he still cannot part with her due to pressure from his family. He is lonely and hurt. I strongly adviced him to part and live a better life, but knowing him and his softness, I know he will not. His sister brought him up like a mother and she is the one who will not listen to reason. Isnt it high time he put his foot down ?
5 people like this
17 responses
@zhwbeast (328)
• China
2 Jan 08
No,I think your friend must break it soon,because it is no use for doing it, If one's love has change,I think it's impossible to bring it back,
• India
2 Jan 08
I wish he has the courage and determination to do so. Its been such a long time he is suffering. wish i could do something for him. He is hurt and lonely. Only he can help himself.
@zhwbeast (328)
• China
3 Jan 08
Yes,as a friend everyone would wanna to help him,but love is the thing between the two lovers,and we could not interrupt it. Because the situation if we don't drop in the love we could not understand at all. Thanks for your topic.
• United States
21 Jan 08
I don't agree that love cannot always be brought back. Every case is different, and we can't be there in the life of that couple when they are alone together, so we can't fully understand all of it. They probably are BOTH hurting and the wife shows it in a different way, hoping the bullying will change something in him. Perhaps a minister or someone they trust could talk to them. If they really wanted to end it, then one of them would. So my guess is that there is still some love there or one of them would have already ended it.We can't really take sides,only advise and then stay out of it. If they want to try and fix it, they should find time to go out alone together and do things they once enjoyed together. Life is hard on all of us sometimes.
@baileym11 (889)
• United States
2 Jan 08
It probably is time, but he needs to do some soul-searching about what is right for him. Why not suggest that he begin counseling? He could have an objective person to talk with about the way he feels and eventually they would figure out a plan of action.
• India
3 Jan 08
You dont know his wife. She will never agree to counseling. She is a big show off and will never agree to anything that does not have her way. She never makes meals for him, no caring, no sharing. He lives each day as it comes without looking forward to anything in life. It is sad but only he can help himself. Cheers for 2008
• United States
21 Jan 08
Maybe he could make a meal for the both of them and do things for her in his kindness. That may bring her around.I still think one or both of them would have ended it by now if there was nothing there to stay for. If the kids are grown, they can no longer be the excuse for staying in the marriage. They are stuck in a rut and need help to see how they can get out of it. I still would suggest they do things alone together that they once did. Perhaps go on "dates" or write down on paper for each other how they feel and try to communicate without fault-finding. I know it's hard , I've been there too.They should each pick out something they could do or a place to go on a date each week or at least each month. Perhaps they could just sit and look over old photos of their early years or their chilren and talk of old times and remember why they got married. Start a new family tradition, go on a vacation,plan a reunion. A lot of times we don't always say how we feel and writing it down on paper can be easier to do. Write a letter to each other and explain what it is we want or need in the relationship, or what it is that bothers us. Maybe then, they can decide if they want to end it. But,it looks like to me they already made the decision to stick together. I wish them luck. Life is not easy and we need to encourage others,but then let them make their own decision and badger them after that.
• United States
21 Jan 08
Whoops! That last sentence should have read NOT badger them after that.
3 Jan 08
I think that Marriage is like a long car ride and all passengers have to be happy to be able to keep it a good marriage, if he honestly is visibly suffering then I think he should ask for a divorce as he obviously from by what your saying is visibly unhappy and she's not making things any better by bullying him, if he does break things off then you'll need to convince him that there is someone better suited for him and she'll most probably find someone better as well, there is gonna be someone better for him and if so need to convince him not all marriage is bad and someone is right around the corner for him to be with.
• India
4 Jan 08
I think he has had such a bitter experience with this marriage, that maybe he feels better a known enemy than an unknown one. He can help himself only. We can but pray for God to give him enough courage to make the right decision. Thanks and have a wonderful 2008
5 Jan 08
Nah you can't pray to someone like a so called "God", as a friend you need to help guide him if you don't then whats the point of being a friend if you can't help a friend out?
@Rozie37 (15503)
• Turkmenistan
2 Jan 08
Yes he should put his foot down, but he will not, until he gets fed up. My sister is in a situation like this and it has gotten to the point where I refuse to even listen to what she is going through any more. She needs to call me when she gets fed up.
• India
2 Jan 08
I truely sympathise with your sister for her sufferings. It is only the person who suffers who actually knows what is going on. We feel tired of hearing them complain, but who else can they turn to. Do be there for her everytime she calls. These types are the quiet ones who cannot take a decision
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15503)
• Turkmenistan
4 Jan 08
I understand what you are saying, but my situation is different. I lived with my sister for two years and helped her with their six children when her husband had moved in with another woman. All I heard was the same thing day and night. It hurt me that my sister was suffering and I had no one to talk to about it. So I would call our other sister and confide in her. When the sister that I lived with would find this out, she would go off on my. I think that she was embarrassed, But, what she did not understand was that I was suffering too. I want to be there for my sister, but I just can't take any more of the same drama. It has been six years since I moved out and she is still singing the same old tired songs.
• United States
2 Jan 08
If this man has money tied up with this marriege. he is not going to leave. So many men have a not so good marriage. They look at all the money it would cost them to leave and would rather stay. Your friend is a man no matter how soft spoken he is. This man has a limit just like the rest of us. He wants to be right where he is. If not he would have changed things years ago. If he can even stand to get a hard dic* in front of her. He is not all that unhappy their. I am so glad I am a woman and a dam strong one for that matter. I would leave for the sake of my happiness. No real person should ever stay for the kids. The kids don't want to be te reason the parents suffered and had nothing to show for it but bills and pain.
• India
4 Jan 08
Actually he is the one who looks after the family and gives housekeeping etc. to her. If he were to leave her, he would benefit, for the amount she takes from him for one month, I can safely run my house for two. I think he is hooked to the routine, or foolish enough to listen to his sis all the time. Believe me, he suffers. She wont even cook breakfast for him. He has to eat out. Till he is strong internally, he will be where he is. Only he can help himself. We women are better and stronger than men. Thanks and cheers for 2008
@YoungInLove (1254)
• Canada
2 Jan 08
Some people are just to scared to get out. I have a friend like that. She fights everyday with her boyfriend and she just doesnt seem happy, but yet when we tell her she should get out she gives the whole "but i love him speech" Maybe he wants out but hes just so used to the routine that hes scared to get out.
• India
4 Jan 08
Exactly my feelings. I think he is scared of the new life which he will face. He dosent love her anymore, but maybe as you say, the routine is keeping him hooked. Only he can help himself. I can only pray when I watch him suffer. Thanks and cheers for 2008
@Stiletto (4584)
2 Jan 08
Well although I'm sorry for your friend's situation he needs to grow up and deal with it himself. I know that you are living in a different culture and all that but India is a civilized country, I can't believe that someone is expected to continue in that kind of relationship just because his sister wants him to do so! That seems very unreasonable to me. He needs to find some backbone and tell his sister to take care of her own business. So yes, it is high time he put his foot down!
• India
4 Jan 08
I think he is scared to take a step in the right direction because of his soft nature. Only once he makes up his mind and does what is necessary, will he have the courage to fight back. In India, we have people divorcing each other left, right and centre. He only can help himself. Maybe starting out into a new life leaves him scared. I also cant understand him. Thanks and cheers for 2008
@palonghorn (5486)
• United States
2 Jan 08
Seems to me it's high time he grew up and carried about himself. Life is too short to be miserable all the time. He needs to take control of his life, tell his family if they like her so much, maybe they should live with her. As for staying for the sake of the children, if he thinks it is good for them it is not. They know and have known for longer than he thinks that things are not good.
• India
3 Jan 08
Can you believe they havent had a husband and wife relation for years. She never makes breakfast for him before he leaves for work, he has to have his meals out. She is just not what one wants in a good wife. His children are now grown up in their 19s-20s. He is the only person who can help himself. Thanks. Cheers for 2008
• India
2 Jan 08
Hi ketybhagat, Having spent so many years it is not adviceble to part ways.I am sure your friend him self will not be interested. I am also sure that it is not because of his innocence, but because of his binding on his wife. What he is going to do after parting. Who is going to look after him. He has to get marry again. Here also what is the guarantee that the second wife will not be bully. It is so difficult question to answer.Only he knows what he has to do...let him think. Good Luck.
• India
3 Jan 08
His wife never prepares meals for him, never looks after him, he has to eat out. She buys whatever she wants but will create a hue and cry if he wants to buy something nice for himself, like a good music system. She is after his money, plain and simple. Only he can help himself. Thanks and cheers for 2008
2 Jan 08
I think it is up to your friend who really has to decide what he wants to do.If the children are grown up enough to take care of themselves,have got jobs,good education etc, and basically not have to depend on parents,then ther eis no reason for your friend not to seperate from his bullying wife.I think he should talk to his sister who I am sure,will understand well.But sometimes,it is necessary to take one's own decision because in this case,it is your friend who is going through a bad marriage.His sister might be from the older generation whose values donot allow her to give her assent to her brother's divorce.Ultimately,it is your friend who has to decide what he wants to do.Many times,things may really not be what they seem on the surface.I suspect he has got his own ways fo dealing with his bullying wife.It seems impossible not to find out ways of shutting out the unwanted after all these years in a bad marriage.Do speak to your friend like a friend, and don't force him to do something which he does not want to do.If he really valued his personal happiness, then I think he would have divorced a long time ago.
• India
3 Jan 08
Actually nageswari, he is a big big softy and very humble in life. He came up in life from very humble beginnings, so it has kept him humble all these years even after doing so well in life. I have known him since he was a kid, who used to always look for love and affection. Unfortunately it is the soft people who fall for the stronger ones. Now he just takes her bullying as part of his life. Yes, his sister is of the older generation who sees divorce as a sin, but then like you say, he has to make his own decision. Only he can help himself. He has put the happiness of others before his own, that is his biggest fault. Maybe if he reads all the replies, he will se some sense. Cheers for 2008
@Ravenladyj (22937)
• United States
2 Jan 08
It most certainly IS time for him to put his foot down! Who is he living for himself OR his sister?! If she loved him truly she'd want him to be happy, she'd want the best for him, she WOULD NOT want him to settle for what he's living now...I think he needs to figure out WHY the sister wants and expects him to stay with a wife who causes him so much sorrow...thats nonsense to me....HOWEVER he ALSO needs to get out of the victims mindset which is very difficult to do....he NEEDS to remind himself and believe that he DOES DESERVE better. He's WORTHY of a real love and he has NO obligation to this so called woman he's married to....Easier said than done though, I know I've been there..
• India
2 Jan 08
Thank you, i am going to take a p rint out of all the replies and show it to him. You managed to do it. Wish he can come out of this dreadful marriage. We can only guide him. He has to make a decision, and only he can help himself. Yes, the victim part is very true. Only a person who has suffered can relate with this point and bring it out. Poor you. Thank God you had the guts to put it behind you. Good Luck and have a wonderful 2008
@nickventere (1424)
• Zambia
2 Jan 08
Marriage is meant to be an enjoyable union between two people. I think it is high time he put his foot down, as you correctly suggest. however, it is unwise to give such advice when we don't know what is really obtaining on the ground. The best would be to hear it fromthe horse's mouth. Who knows, maybe the man is at fault and responsible for his wife's bullying tantrums and excursions! but if he is so innocent, it would be best to either resolve the problems causing that vullying or to just move on in life.
• India
3 Jan 08
Yes Nick, I agree that we should listen to both the sides before passing judgement. But believe me, I have known both of them, him since I was a kid and know what a softy he is. It is the soft humble people in life who unfortunately fall for bullies. Well, now I do urge him to move on in life. I can only guide him. He has to make a decison for himself. Only he can help himself. I am going to take a print out of all the replies, so he can see some sense. Cheers for 2008
• China
2 Jan 08
I think when a man get marriged, he must have responsbility to the family unless the things comes to the worstn.
• India
2 Jan 08
Hasn't he spent his whole life tending to the responsibility of his family, in the process suffering in silence. His kids are now more than 20 years old. I think he has done enough for the family and kept suffering. The time has come now for him to put his foot down. After all he too has a right to be happy in life.
• United States
3 Jan 08
No one should have to suffer for a relationship gone bad. The people should just end the marriage.
• United States
3 Jan 08
I think its time he puts his foot down. a person can only go through so much
@Sharon38 (1916)
• Jamaica
2 Jan 08
I think he needs to start thinking about himself and get out of that abusive and unhappy marriage. He will find someone who can love and appreciate him for just who is.
@eyewitness (1577)
• Netherlands
2 Jan 08
That's not good for him.He should't suffer for the sake of others.I'm so sorry for your friend. He deserves a better life and it's better for him and his healt to divorce her and start a happy life.But he has to make the decision by his own.No one can help him with that. I hope he will make that decision.