child custody issues!

Halifax, Nova Scotia
January 3, 2008 9:18am CST
be warned.. this may turn into a rant.. you have a chance to stop reading now :) im just really curious, especially now since it effects my life also.. why is it that the woman/mother generally always gets custody of a child or children if they couple seperates.. the only chance a father has of getting custody over the mother is if shes a crack head or a hooker.. or abusive to herself or the child(ren).. or you get a super high priced lawyer and fight until youre tens of thousands of dollars in debt.. why arent fathers good enough? they always say it takes two to make a baby.. and considering the amount of people paying child support id say it takes two to afford them.. why dont both get to raise the child? shouldnt joint custody be the norm unless one of the parents is unfit and let the scales balance where they will.. i think its disgusting personally.. my son's mother was on welfare and doing nothing in life while i work a steady job making quite good money still she gets him and i have to pay for child support and daycare so she can go to school.. while my wife sits at home taking care of my other kid.. why am i paying child support or daycare when clearly i could be raising him here with me and she can go on about her life and she can be the one who visits on weekends etc.. i wouldnt even want child support! why does a mother who cant afford to take care of her self let alone a child get the child anyways.. i know im not the only one.. i know it happens with almost every man whos ever split from the kid's mother.. and i for one think its time for a change.. these days a kid is lucky if their father even sticks around for the birth let alone wants to be in the kids life.. but thats not good enough.. fathers are still forced to fight for rights to their kids.. DISGUSTING!!! let me know what you think sorry for the rant.. you were warned and i coulda continued.. :D
5 people like this
8 responses
@Sissygrl (10915)
• Canada
3 Jan 08
probably because throughout history the mother has been the one to raise the children, and the father has been the one who goes out and hunts and gathers, or works and earns. The kids have always stayed home with the mother, the mother is the nurturer while the father is usually the provider. I'm not saying whether i think its right or wrong, but i will say the best interest of the child should be the main focus point on where they live.
1 person likes this
• Halifax, Nova Scotia
3 Jan 08
mothers tend to be more nuturing yes but that doesnt mean the fathers are careless.. i just think its disgusting that its all 'equal rights' until a woman gets hit or pregnant.. all bets are off after that..
2 people like this
@Sissygrl (10915)
• Canada
3 Jan 08
well i'm sure as soon as they come up with a way that men can carry babies there will be plenty of fathers awarded custody and having babies. but it is what it is at the moment. and that's it. Not anything you nor i can do about it. I didn't say that men were not as nurturing, i'm saying that its always been the womans role since before time. And apparently they have been doing a pretty decent job at it since we as the human race has survived so far. *shrug* just a thought.
1 person likes this
• Halifax, Nova Scotia
3 Jan 08
if theyre doing such a great job wtf happened to the youth of today? or yesterday for that matter? its continueing to get worse thats for sure.. how come most of the boys/men in jail never knew or barely knew their fathers.. mothers can only teach them so much just as fathers can only teach them so much.. it takes both parents.. not just one.. and just because you carried it for 9 months gives you the right to keep it forever?
2 people like this
• United States
4 Jan 08
I think the reason that the mother usually always gets custody of the kids when people spilt up is due to the fact that it is the mother who carries them around for nine months and then gives birth to them. For this reason, it is the belief of many people that children have a stronger bond with their mother's than they do with their fathers. Don't get the wrong idea. I am not saying that I totally agree with that; I'm just saying that I believe that is the primary reason behind custody of children nearly always being rewarded to the mother. There are some instances, where this may be true; i.e., a case where you have a very devoted mom; but the father has little or nothing to do with the child, well obviously, in a situation like that, the child will continue to have a stronger bond with the mother than with the father. However, I know some mothers who are not worth squat as a mother. And some fathers who are 100 times more devoted to their kids than their mother ever thought of being. Yet, just as you say, even in cases such as that; the mother will almost always still be awarded custody in a divorce. I don't agree with that. I think the decision of child custody should be made based on what is actually best for the children; not based on myths of what people believe is best. If the mother is a good and devoted mother; and the father is unfit, then sole custody should be awarded to the mother. On the other hand; if the father is a devoted and good dad, and the mother is unfit; then sole custody should be awarded to the father. However, if neither parent is unfit and both parents are good parents; then neither parent should get full custody. In that case, joint custody should be awarded instead. Hence, it should be decided based on what would be best for the children; not decided on misconstrued myths that all mothers are good and devoted mothers and that all children have stronger bonds with their mom's than they do with their dad's.
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Jan 08
Yes, I agree. Sad, but true... Personally, I think my kids are the greatest and I could never imagine ever getting bored with them; not even when they are being a pain in my butt, lol. And I'm a stay at home mom, so I am with them a lot.
1 person likes this
• Halifax, Nova Scotia
5 Jan 08
thats great that you get to be home with/for your kids all the time.. my wife is a stay at home mom too.. but yah i dunno how youd ever get bored of being a parent.. frustrated sure maybe even angry at times.. but boredom is not a word i'd associate with parenthood..
1 person likes this
@sedel1027 (17855)
• United States
3 Jan 08
When I got divorced I let me ex have our son until I could get on my feet and support him. I paid child support to my ex while he had him and fulfilled all my obligations and then some. When I got on my feet, I found a good lawyer and went to court of custody it did not cost me a lot of money. My ex didn't even bother to show up for court, he sent his lawyer which - as you can imagine - made the judge mad and I got more than I even wanted. I believe that most court systems will give whomever wants custody the child. You can set a court date for yourself - with no lawyer - and go fight the current ruling, just make sure you know what you want before heading off to court. By showing that you ex is truly unable to support your child w/o child support and that she is on welfare, that is enough to catch the judges attention and start moving the process in your right direction.
1 person likes this
• Halifax, Nova Scotia
3 Jan 08
in an ideal world id agree with you.. but the judge knew all this at the beginning.. and as you say he only got your kid cuz you let him have him.. if the mother wants the child its almost a garuntee shes getting it..
1 person likes this
@sedel1027 (17855)
• United States
3 Jan 08
I say I "let him", but we agreed on it; we didn't go to court at all for our divorce, custody, etc we mediated through a lawyer (cost about $600). When you go to court and you and/or your lawyer do not say "she is on welfare and is dependant on the state" then you can not assume that the judge knows anything, regardless of what was in the documentation presented to the courts. Even though you have gone to court once, if you don't go in there and fight over and over again, I personally do not feel like you have room to complain. Is there a free/reduced cost legal service in your area? Finding a good lawyer doesn't not have to cost a lot of money.
1 person likes this
• Halifax, Nova Scotia
3 Jan 08
i have and continue to go back and fight for him.. and yes we have free lawyers in canada.. and you get what you pay for.. ive been in courts my entire life.. and i wasnt speaking about what was on paper.. im speaking on what we told the judge.. being on welfare isnt a bad thing in canada as it is in america perhaps.. and why wouldnt a father have reason to complain about not getting equal access to his kid? whether i fight or not hes still my son i shouldnt even have to fight over it..
1 person likes this
@caramello (4381)
• Australia
5 Jan 08
My story is a little the opposite regarding custody of children. When my marriage broke down my childrens' father was given ALL the opportunities to be part of his childrens lives instead he chose to move interstate with his new "woman" and I did all I could to keep the bond going sent photos, school reports etc. etc. But the distance he chose was too far away for that bonding to continue. To this day I am hurt by was he chose to do, and frustrated that my trying really got no where, but I must say my children who are now adults still respect there father and that is what really matters no matter what I may be feeling. So if you are genuine then good luck! Pity not all fathers think like you!
1 person likes this
• Halifax, Nova Scotia
6 Jan 08
its sad how some fathers do decide to all but disapear from their kids.. i really dunno how they do it.. but you also make another point.. after so long and even without him being around your children, even decades later still have a bond with him.. so why does society think its only the mother a child can bond with?
1 person likes this
@caramello (4381)
• Australia
7 Jan 08
I might add that not ALL Mothers' are responsible ones either! My bitterness has I think finally left me regarding my own Mother who left when I was 3 years old and my brother was 8. So I have experienced parenting failures from both male and female. My conclussion is that not ALL humans are meant to be parents. That is the way I deal with my pain now and I think it may be the case. Regarding my own children and the "bond" they have with their Father, I chose to do this so as bitterness did not follow through on them, but when the "other" parent bad mouths the result is that the children may do the same. After all the marriage breakup is between 2 parents or partners the children should not be dragged into it.
1 person likes this
• Halifax, Nova Scotia
8 Jan 08
i agree parents should keep the divorce away from the children as much as possible and try to at least be civil with each other while around each other etc.. me and my son's mother are still civil with each other.. at times friends.. i guess it depends on how much money i give her as to how much she likes me these days.. and i definately agree some people just shouldnt be parents! but talking bad on a child's parent can also backfire.. my mother never spoke badly of my biological father persay.. she stuck to the facts and always encouraged us knowing him etc.. hes not exactly father material either but she still felt there was good reason for kids to know their dad.. maybe she wanted us to see for ourselves.. she let us make our own choices in life.. anyways i know plenty of moms and dads who talk bad about their ex's and sometimes the kid believes the parent but sometimes they end up hating the parent for telling them all those things.. recent them for it or whatever.. and sometimes its so untrue they cant help but end up goin to be with the other parent in the future when they have a choice in the matter
1 person likes this
@dania_elm (422)
• United States
7 Jan 08
my best friend left his wife and was paying 1600 WEEKLY for child support and he always had their daughter well i found him a p.i. and they did their thing and now i am happy to say he has full custody mom dont even have visitaion!!!! it cost a small fortune and legal aid paid for her to have their daughter what we dont understand is how she managed to get her from him the first place she is a horrible mother but it all worked out in the end
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jan 08
i had sbsolutely no problem proving my ex unfit. not only did i get full custody, he doesnt have visitation. me being the nice person i am, offered to let him see them-supervised, and he declined
1 person likes this
• Halifax, Nova Scotia
8 Jan 08
1600 a week is a bit much damn haha but i guess if you make 200k a year it might not be so bad? i dunno ive never made near that much money before haha.. but yah thats what it takes for dads to be dads.. excessive legal bills, great lawyers, sometimes private investigations, etc etc.. as for a mother.. she just has to still be breathing..
@KissThis (3006)
• United States
7 Jan 08
I think you are right. Parents should have shared custody of the child/ren unless one parent is deemed unfit. Unfortunately our society doesn't work this way and I believe that the ones who are hurt the most are the children. I have had two brothers who went to court to fight for custody of their children. My one brother had raised his two sons for almost three years by himself without their mother paying any child support or even visiting the boys. There were times that my brother had to give her gas money and or money for food for the boys while the were in her care. The judge still awarded her custody even though all of this got brought up in court. It was this pass April that she was awarded custody. The boys were to go live with her in June. She kept both boys for two weeks and then sent them back to their father. In the middle of August the youngest of the two went to live with her while the older boy stayed with his father for the school year. She collected child support for two children yet kept telling the children she was broke, couldn't afford anything. When the judge was given all of this information she acted like she should raise the amount my brother was paying in child support. I see where the court systems are failing the children. I feel for all of the good fathers out there who want to be apart of their children's lives.
1 person likes this
• Halifax, Nova Scotia
8 Jan 08
hey thanks for another prime example of exactly what im talking about :) and youre right the courts are failing the kids big time ;/ they dont need to be goin back and forth and being fought over etc..
@angelface23 (2498)
• United States
7 Jan 08
I think that the mother gets the child because she went through all the pain of having the child and plus the whole mother-child bond thing. I agree though that it's not always the father who is deemed unfit. I feel for your situation. You say that you work and she doesn't yet you dont have custody. Have you tried to fight it? I would try.
• Halifax, Nova Scotia
8 Jan 08
we've been to court a couple times.. and we will go again.. anyone who knows me knwos im persistent to the point of annoyance.. stubborn as a mule and obsessive when i set my mind on something.. we will be back in court until things are proper.. equal..
• United States
3 Jan 08
Hello CanuckPrince, I can relate. I live in the US and have spent thousands of dollars to gain custody of my step-daughter. My husband was told to get out of the family home with no place to go, so he left willingly without his daughter since he did not know where he was going to live. Our courts looked at it that since he left her behind that the Mother should have custody. WRONG! He met me 6 months later, still no divorce and the ex wasn't budging on issues that amounted to less than $1000.00. Pocket change in the big scheme of things since she wanted rid of him. Needless to say, we finally forced the divorce 1 1/2 years after we met. The day after the wedding, this little girl who would of been 9 started bawling that she never wanted to go home. We had to go through physiatric evaluations, parenting classes, counceling, countless attorney appointments & phone calls. His ex went through 3 different attorneys and all 3 of them fired her as a client. She never full filled her obligation of the parenting classes, evalutaions, ect... but the courts still saw her as the more fit parent. In our situation, right after this littler girl turned 12, the Mother decided that she was no longer cute so she told her to come live with us, that way she could go on with her life. So this mother that the courts deemed a fit parent now sees her child less than 48 hours a month! yes that is correct less than 48 hours per month! We have nothing in writing to substantiate this child living with us, she pays NO child support, Nothing towards medical or everyday expenses. She B*tches about having to buy her daughter a pair of pants to wear when she is with her. She is dabbling in an alternative lifestyle and I am fearful when our child is with her that one of these wacky men are going to suggest they do who knows what with the child and her being to stupid to stop it. Oh yeah, during this 48 hour period, she still leaves the child to go out and leaves her home alone! If this was my child, I would want to spend as much time together as possible. This girl is growing up hating her Mother, but is loving me for giving her the guidance that her bio Mom is incapable of doing! The child is far better of living with us! The courts have their heads up their you know whats and I think sometimes it should come down to black and white on paper of who can financially support and emotionally support the children.