Would you be upset if you husband was speaking to an ex-girlfriend?

United States
January 6, 2008 12:30pm CST
I've been told I'm being silly, so I want to put this out there. About a year and a half ago, my husband's cousin was in theh ospital dying and he was at the hospita with his mom to be with the family. He ran into an old girlfriend, and now they call each other when he is down in that area. She is always asking him to go to dinner. I find that annoying and wrong, and think the woman should back off. The husband thinks I am being insecure. But it bothers me. I have never met this woman, she never calls him at home only when he goes to his parents house 4 hours away. You tell me, am I being jealous or do I have a right to be put off by this?
9 people like this
27 responses
• United States
6 Jan 08
You have a right to your feelings.You should tell your husband how much this hurts you. And if he still doesn't respect your feelings then it is a sign that you two may need to get some help to stay together.If your husbands Really wants you to be happy, he wouldn't purposely do something that hurts your feelings. But he has to understand how much this bothers you. He may not know, so first you have to tell him how this really makes you feel. If my husband started talking to an ex girlfriend on a regular basics , I would assume they were having an affair. But since I wouldn't marry a man that I loved, it wouldn't bother me. But if you are with someone you love and he/she starts spending more time on the phone with an ex instead spending time with you, there is something wrong with the relationship.
• United States
6 Jan 08
Thank you for your response. When I have told him that this hurts my feelings he brushes it off or says I'm being insecure. It's not that he is spending more time on the phone with her than with me, but that the contact seems to only occur when he is away from me. I love him with all my heart, and maybe I am a bit insecure. My first husband fathered a child with another woman when our firstborn was only 3 months old, and I didn't find out about it until after the birth of our second child, about 2 1/2 years later. I turned a blind eye to those that told he was messing around, he claimed when I found out it was a one night stand. The problem is, I guess, I am afraid to fully trust.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jan 08
Does your current husband know about hubby #1? The whole story? If so, he is just being insensitive. If not, you should tell him. I don't think you are being insecure, especially knowing your back story. You are being human.After what you have been through, I wouldn't been hurt, I would have been livid. But then again I have a hair trigger temper.That is why I am happily single.Anyway,if he knows the whole story He is the one that should change not you.I hope everything works out.Take Care.
• United States
7 Jan 08
Now I am livid.Doesn't he know that he should respect your feelings?I guess the best thing to do is whenever he goes to his parents or talks to his " friend" , you should do something that You like. Call up the girls, send the kids to their best friends house and have a girl's night out. Go do something that you could never do if he was in town.Or have a girl's night in. Rent, or view if you own it,your favorite film and have ice cream or your favorite dessert, you can go o the gym afterward.In other words do something, anything that you enjoy. You can't make him change. I just wish he was more sensitive.
• United States
6 Jan 08
In my personal life and experience, I would not like him talking to his ex-girlfriends. Not to much because I would actually be worried they would make some kind of advance on him, but because they're just not good people in the first place and I would feel very uncomfortable with him talking to them. I have no problem with him having female friends, I just don't like what he's told me about his exes, or even some of his old friends. I would have to insist that if he ever sees them again, I would have to be with him. As for your situation, I don't know what your pasts are like, but I don't like the way he's going about seeing her. It's just a little too sneaky for my taste.
• United States
6 Jan 08
As for our pasts, we have both been married once before. I was married for 15 years, him for nearly 9 years. I'm just not understanding his reasoning when he has not had a problem with me meeting or speaking to his other female friends. Only this one. I agree, he is being sneaky about it.
• United States
7 Jan 08
Wow, that's even worse. That he's actually not wanting you to meet or speak with her? If it were me, one of the times he was out visiting his parents, I'd get someone to watch the kids and follow him up there with a girlfriend. Then "accidentally" bump into him with his ex.
@nichole1983 (1187)
• Canada
6 Jan 08
It doesnt bother me that my fiance talks to his ex girlfriend/s at all. With how he is going about this talking with her it's like he is hiding something. Why can't she call the house? I would think that he is hiding something.
• United States
6 Jan 08
Thanks for your response. I have not been concerned about the women who have gladly spoken with me, and are open about them being ex's. It's that for some reason he doesn't want me to meet her or speak to her.
• Canada
7 Jan 08
I suggest you sit down with your husband and ask why you can't meet her. Seems silly to me.
@angemac23 (2005)
• Canada
6 Jan 08
I trust my boyfriend 100%, so if he was speaking with an ex, I would no problem because I know there is no threat.
• United States
6 Jan 08
What about if he was speaking to an ex he refuses to introduce you too, and is basically sneaking around to speak to her? That is the difference here. If you didn't know the woman, and she was constantly asking him to dinner, or to go out for drinks as this woman is doing, only calling him when she knows he is her area, never calling him when he is with his Wife, would you still feel so secure?
@dania_elm (422)
• United States
6 Jan 08
well it would depend on the type of relationship i had with my hubby my first hubby that so of not been tolerated just because i knew how he was but my hubby now i wouldnt have a problem with it he is actually good friends with one i took a while but i met her now one of my guy friends hides me from his wife because she has security issues theres nothing going on but i dont call his house i call his cell we sneak and go bowling my huuby knows his wife doesnt and we have coffee alomst every morning we have been good friends for 16 years and thats all it is
• United States
6 Jan 08
Thanks for providing a different view. The thing is, I have repeatedly told him I don't care so much who is friends are, but this time, it seems he is hiding her for no reason. He never had any problem introducing me to his other women friends, just this one. That is what bothers me.
@ravinskye (8242)
• United States
6 Jan 08
I think I would be upset. It seems to me she might be after your husband. I would maybe suggest going with your husband next time he goes to his parents house and suggest the 3 of you go out to dinner. I believe there is a saying "thou doth protest too much" If you husband is against it, there might be something there that he's hiding.
• United States
6 Jan 08
Thank you for your response. Your "thou doth protest too much" kind of hits the nail on the head. When I bring it up, he gets defensive, and says that he doesn't know why she doesn't call him when I am around. Too coincidental if you ask me.
@sedel1027 (17854)
• United States
6 Jan 08
I wouldn't have a problem with him talking to her, but I don't like how he is doing it. If they were just old friends, why doesn't she call your house? Why don't you and your hubby go have dinner with her? That is what I find weird and what would bother me.
• United States
6 Jan 08
Thank you for your response. I don't have a problem with his talking to her, as a matter of fact, when we met, he had several women friends that were on his messenger, and I have spoken to them, they added me to their messenger, and we have become friends as well. We exchange Christmas cards and stuff. What bothers me is there is no contact between them until he is down there. When I have gone down there with him or met him down there, there is no contact between them. That is what I find odd. It makes me feel like he is hiding something.
@twoey68 (13651)
• United States
6 Jun 08
I definately would be upset. I think if he wanted to talk to her so much then he should have stayed with her. I don't talk to any of my ex's and neither does Hubby. In fact, I had a friend that kept inviting me out to dinner after Hubby and I moved in together. I kept telling him no b/c I didn't feel it would be right to be living with one man and going out to dinner with another...I also knew he had more on his mind then eating food. I ended up ending the relationship. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
• United States
13 Jan 08
If this is just a friendship thing, you all can go to dinner together. It is obvious that she is trying to have more than a friendship if she is calling him while he is at his parents house. You have a right to be on the alert with this one.
@lightningMD (5932)
• United States
10 Jan 08
I would be ticked off if my husband was calling an old girlfriend. How would he feel if you started having lunch with an ex-boyfriend. I think this kind of behavior can only lead to problems in the future.
• United States
9 Jan 08
I have to say that I am fine with my husband speaking to his ex. But it is how he is going about it that matters, My husband is currently talking to her on his myspace. its all very innocent. Now if he were doing what yours is doing then i might have a problem with it. Really it depends on how he is going about it and the situation.
@Lady_Vincy (1540)
• United States
8 Jan 08
I don't think I would be upset I would just be very suspicious of what they have to talk about. I'm a jelous person at heart and even though Imay not come out and say anything I would still be very curious and want to know what is going on. You are not being silly for being mad or even jealous. That is the way you feel and you should try talking to him and see how he would feel if you were talking to one of you ex's. He would feel the same way you do. Don't let it get to you though. If he really loves you he will know better and if you tell him that it really bothers you he should respect your feelings and at least get you and his ex to meet so that there are no issues. Hope this hhelps.
@k1tten (2320)
• United States
8 Jan 08
I agree with highflying. If it was really serious between them then I would be worried. And I'd deffinitely be frustrated that she only calls when he's at his parents.
• United States
8 Jan 08
Well, it depends on how serious they were and if I know more details about their relationship. If I knew they were pretty serious and things happened and I could trust me gut that something wasn't right, then I'd be pretty upset and get rather defensive that they were seeing the ex, even if it was for a 'friendly' dinner.
@cripfemme (7714)
• United States
7 Jan 08
I think that you're probably being insecure. I'm friends with most of my ex's even when they have new people. I would try to calm down; maybe tell your husband you want to meet the woman. Perhaps that will make you feel better. Remember he chose you, not her. I hope that helps.
@imadriscoll (2230)
• United States
7 Jan 08
This would not be okay with me. If he wanted to be friends with her and have a friendship with her, then I would need to go to dinner with them and be around them. If they have nothing to hide then there would be no reason why you couldn't come along. From some of the other discussions that you've had in this discussion I would be very suspicious as to what is really going on. There was once a woman at my husband's work that I was very suspicious of ... she was supposed to be my friend as well as his. I never felt totally comfortable around her. My husband and I discussed my feelings and he assured me that there was nothing going on and that he had no feelings towards her. He then went a step further and promised not to hang out in her office and to only talk to her when it was absolutely necessary for his job. A few months later his bossed called him into his office. The lady confided in her boss that she was planning on leaving her husband to run away with my husband. My husband was livid. He never flirted with her or gave her any indication that he was interested in her. His boss told him that he knew he was a man of integrity and that he was telling him what this lady said because he wanted my husband to be aware of what was going on and what this woman was saying behind his back. The woman had quit her job and started in a new job ... they haven't talked since.
• United States
7 Jan 08
I think it all depends on your relationship. I totally trust my wife and she trusts me. Even if I did meet an ex somewhere and even if I found them appealing and even if they presented the opportunuity, I would still not act on it. That is because of the trust between my wife and I. I married her with the intent on staying with her for life. I know that it's not always easy, but, I believe if 2 people want to stay together then it's up to both of them to make sure it happens. So, I suppose only you can answer you own question. Good luck.
@ky1119 (699)
• United States
7 Jan 08
I would definitely be put off by this. I don't think it's right. It's weird to me that she only calls him when he's that far away. Also, there's only one way for her to be finding out that he's that far away, he has to be telling her. My husband would never do that without my consent, and believe me, he wouldn't get my consent. It's just disrespectful.
• Philippines
7 Jan 08
You have every right to be upset and voice out your protest against this matter. After all he is your husband and if speaking with an ex-girlfriend makes you uncomfortable then he should at least put himself in your shoes. What would he feel if you start speaking and worse, seeing your ex-boyfriend? But be as calm as you can be when you confront him with this matter, picking up a fight and shouting at him won't make him hear you out. It would be best to try a different approach, don't show that you are getting jealous then do something sweet that he doesn't expect from you. After some time when you have his attention, tell him not to speak with the ex-girlfriend ever again.
@bear_cute (124)
• Malaysia
7 Jan 08
Hi friend,off course i must upset if my husband was speaking to an ex-girlfriend.for your information,i very thank to God because my husband not serve his ex-girlfriend although she always send sms or sometimes misscalled.seldom,i not understand what she want from my husband.she already married with my husband friend.i think not enough for her was married with my husband friend.actually i sad when she do like this at my husband.i think you must have a right to be put off by this because anyone can't disturb your marriage