Is Marriage going out of style????

@Debs_place (10525)
United States
January 11, 2008 10:17am CST
I started a new job almost a year ago. Most of the people speak of their baby-mother or baby-father but never about a husband or wife. This is the vast majority of the people, one of them said that she would never marry her baby-father yet she has a year old child by him and lives with him. Don't people get married anymore before they have kids or even somewhere in the same time frame? Am I that old and out of style that I did not notice that marriage and kids have become mutually exclusive? What is happening where you live?
8 people like this
19 responses
• United States
11 Jan 08
I agree that it seems marriage is just out of date these days. I look forward to the day I marry my love. We dont yet have children. We do plan to wait until were married. Most people these days dont want to get married, because they fear their marriage might not last and they dont want to go through a nasty divorce. At least thats what Ive been told by many. Marriage is still popular among older people and smaller communities, but just doesnt seem as important in the larger cities. If you're just that old and out of style so am I. I can not wait til my wedding day.
4 people like this
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
11 Jan 08
I don't live in a large city, trust me on that one. I just think kids need the stability of a family. My boss has had 3 kids by 3 different women and has said he does not care about being faithful. He hit on the sister of a co-worker and when she told him he was married, he said so she doesn't have to tell her husband. It appalls me that there are people who are like that and so open about it.
• United States
11 Jan 08
I agree. Its distasteful that he would do that. And maybe its because theres just so many women out there who would give him the chance and not tell their husbands, is why he just doesnt care. Im truely amazed that would happen in a small community. I apologize for assuming such a thing. It the smaller towns Ive lived in, it seemed not so bad. Thank you for commenting my response.
3 people like this
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
11 Jan 08
Maybe in the smaller towns they are just more discrete.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (49082)
• United States
11 Jan 08
I live in part of the Bible Belt, and even though a lot of people say they should get married and then have kids, that doesn't always happen. I live in Section 8 Housing. A lot of the people are women who's baby's daddy is not involved and they are on welfare. It would be of immense help to themselves, not just the government, if they would take the time to get to know someone, even go through pre marriage counseling, and then get married and have children. Sure, divorces still persist. But the values of people have changed, and society overlooks so much that people think it must be OK. I do want to say I know things happen to innocent people, and some people are taken advantage of. I don't want to blame people who felt like they have been pushed out of their family's homes and into the arms of a troublemaker. But there is help. It seems like there must not be, but there is. I myself was taught to get married, and then have kids. I have to admit if my husband cheated on me, I might consider divorce, but I am taking my time because when I make a committment, I want it to be forever.
3 people like this
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
11 Jan 08
I definitely agree with your second paragraph, sometimes bad things happen to good people and they are just stuck. But these are adult people making choices,not teenagers. They are in their mid to late 20's or early 30's. They are often well educated with decent jobs but just refuse to get married. I agree, we should take our time, but that is not a guarantee either, look at the number of divorces that occur after 20 or 30 years of marriage.
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (49082)
• United States
11 Jan 08
No, there are no guarantees. I guess that is why it is so essential to know the common denominators in a successful relationship: trust, honesty, understanding, mutual respect... It may not be the cure all, but it gives a solid foundation to start on.
3 people like this
@ersmommy1 (12600)
• United States
11 Jan 08
Marriages used to be lasting things, of course. At least, that is the story we always hear. I think the situation might have been a bit different in practice than what you might think of as a 'good marriage.' It was easy for a woman, who had no means of providing for herself, to become effectively trapped in her marriage. Even if she could imagine how to get a job to provide for her children, she couldn't then imagine how to arrange for the care of her children. Single parenthood avoids admitting dependence on another person. Commitment is scary. Modern women can have their own careers and with some social welfare help, they can avoid the dependence on men that used to run them into trouble. Modern men, likely, are no better -- seeing marriage as a loss of their 'freedom' even though a child still binds them to this woman for an indeterminate time period. But, to answer your question, I don't think so. I believe that people without a spouse are more likely to need outside the house babysitting service. A married couple with the woman able to stay at home doesn't need her child watched. A woman who works professionally might even have daycare provided by her employer. These issues combined probably result in you seeing more unmarried couples. Certainly, there is likely to be a rise in unmarried men and women with children. There are other reason for this as well which involve the marital status of a person's own parents. (Thus determining if 'marriage' and children seem inseparable to you.) However, people still get married. When you are 'in love' it seems very much like the thing to do. With less difficulty living on your own as a single parent if needed, divorces also might be more frequent. There is, however, something in people that wants the comfort of marriage. I don't think that will ever go out of style.
3 people like this
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
11 Jan 08
So a single Mom who never marries is not dependent on a man, but instead is dependent on the government. We have changed one dependency for another. My concern is this large number of children in a home with one parent, by choice, a home that might end up with a string of men moving in and out because neither person wants to establish a permanent relationship with the parent of their child . A child will end up with a 'daddy du jour' instead of a real father. How happy will that child be?
2 people like this
@sigma77 (5385)
• United States
11 Jan 08
I have no clue as to what is happening around here. I do not care what the trend or styles are. I have been married twice and neither relationship worked out. It has been a long time since I was last married. But, if I find the right woman, I will marry her. It seems that marriage has gone out of style, but that is a misconception. I think it is better for two incompatable people to not get married and subject their children to a life of fighting and disruptions. I still think that marriage is highly workable between the right two partners. To get married for the sake of the kid(s)is a huge mistake. On the other hand, having kids without the means to support them or without the support of both parents is not healthy either. Sad to say, but many get their info from TV and the silly media. No wonder this country is such a mess, and marriage is under attack.
2 people like this
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
11 Jan 08
If these people are so incompatible in the first place then how were these children conceived? I agree, it is not right to get married to have kids that are living in a war zone but face it, when the children were conceived some kind of connection must have been made. My question is why don't these people then decide to marry? And if they make a mistake once, it is one thing,but two or 3 or more times -- come on..people with such limited mental capacity probably should not reproduce until they find out if that kind of stupidity is hereditary.
3 people like this
@sigma77 (5385)
• United States
11 Jan 08
Excellent points. They have child number one first off, then discover father is a bum, then have second child with different father, then discover he is not compatable. It is disgusting how some of these woman go from man to man making babies. Compatability, love and acceptance all take time, and for some reason, many would-be couples are in a hurry to "connect" and thus the chances increase for a baby to be born as a result. I think it stems from people (both men and woman) not wanting to be alone. So, they make connections with others out of neccessity. They are trying to fill some long lost desire perhaps.
2 people like this
@ravinskye (8242)
• United States
11 Jan 08
The same thing is happening here, even though I live in a small town that in some ways is behind the times. I was recently talking to a friend of mine...she has 3 kids, two to the guy she is with, but they aren't married and she doesn't want to get married. She says getting married would make her feel trapped. There are a lot of girls around here that are having kids and not getting married. I was actually just saying something about this to my husband. I was reading our local paper and looking at the birth announcements. Out of 9 announcements, only 2 were married couples. The other 7 were two unmarried people listed, or one even just the mother listed. Its sad. I like being able to say that we were married before we had our kids. My husband and I are both only 26.
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
11 Jan 08
I like your idea, be married before the kid is born, but so many kids are growing up with Mom and a guy - maybe Dad that Mom lives with. I think this is so important, especially for the little ones. They need that comfort.
1 person likes this
@Modestah (11192)
• United States
12 Jan 08
I agree, that comfort AND that SECURITY. even if one does not want to consider the morality aspects - having mommy and daddy married gives the child certain boundries that do instill secure feelings.
1 person likes this
@byfaithonly (10716)
• United States
12 Jan 08
I've actually heard a lot of people say why bother getting married when it isn't going to last anyway :( Guess I'm old fashioned and still think marriage first and then the other stuff and when you go into a marriage it should be with the thought that it's going to last forever. After being divorced myself though I can certainly say I would have to think long and hard before I did it again.
2 people like this
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
14 Jan 08
I hear you on that one, I got married for the 2nd time in September, to a man that I started seeing when my son was 8, he will be 22 in less then a month. I did think long and hard, and really did feel that it would be easier without the complications of a blended family - 3 boys with about 4 years between them in age and 2 ex spouses. Now the kids are on their own and I felt better about being able to move on with my life.
@katisaurus (1038)
• Canada
11 Jan 08
Cohabitation is just the new style, I guess. I was learning about this in sociology not long ago that marriage rates have declined over the years because it's either cheaper or just plain easier. Unfortunately I don't remember all the reasons why, because I didn't pay much attention during this unit because I wouldn't necessarily say that marriage is going out of style.I think it's just that couples are cohabitating younger than they used to, and they get used to just being that way.. It already feels like they're married so why put it on a piece of paper? That doesn't justify anything, really.
2 people like this
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
14 Jan 08
Cohabitation is fine, but I think when children are involved, there should be something at least for a while that is a permanent relationship. People do want to have freedom and fun and live life as they please, but if they are old enough to have a relationship involving children they should be old enough to get married
• United States
11 Jan 08
If that is happening it is a real shame for the kids.
2 people like this
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
11 Jan 08
I agree, it just does not seem right to have a kid in a home knowing that the parents did not care enough about each other to marry.
1 person likes this
@Adoniah (7515)
• United States
16 Jan 08
That is one of the major breakdowns of American society today. There is no family structure any more. In the middle and upper class they can fake it with nannys and good baby sitters and excellent daycare,but in the lower middle class and the poor it is a sad sad situation, because there is no family structure to help the child at all. The old saying that it take a village to raise a child still holds true. The extended family is very important in the raising of a child. One parent usually is not competant to do it alone. I know I had to do it alone. It was horrible. Everyone deserted me. Family friends everyone. I really struggled and the girls suffered because of it, but at least they grew up with excellent morals and good work ethics.
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
16 Jan 08
I too was a single Mom, I busted my butt to be there and keep my son busy and out of trouble. He too has good morals and work ethics. I think an extended family would have been great to be there with some help but i had no one. I was the Mom and the village. For extra help I depended on coaches and neighbors. It can be done. you know I was thinking about this. It seems like the only ones who are fight to get married are the gays.
@Adoniah (7515)
• United States
16 Jan 08
Too funny. And they are fighting to raise kids too.
• Switzerland
13 Jan 08
With the progress being made, people are losing the cultural values. More and more people would not want to wait or miss on anything. This lack of patience is causing many to act in weird ways. Hence, they find marriage to be constraining their freedom. Without marriage, they are not accountable to anyone. This way they can live a life for a few years and then just snap it off and move on some where else with a new person. Although it does sound exciting, it is not good for the society or the individual.
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
14 Jan 08
But if they have children, are they not accountable to them?
• Switzerland
14 Jan 08
They are accountable to the kids financially. But, they are free to do whatever they want with their life. This is the normal perception.
@Rozie37 (15503)
• Turkmenistan
13 Jan 08
This is not surprising as it is like that everywhere in America. But 1 Timothy 4:3 says that in the last days people will be refusing to marry. It is really sad, because the children now are starting off in broken homes and they are the ones who suffer the most.
1 person likes this
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
14 Jan 08
That is my concern exactly - the children suffer. I became a single parent when my son was 7, at least for 7 years, he was in a 2 parent family. He is now 21 and does not want to live with a woman, but he often speaks of when he gets married and has a wife....he know about the stability you get in a home where 2 people are married.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15503)
• Turkmenistan
14 Jan 08
You situation is different. You started the right way and there are times when marriages do go wrong. What upsets me are the women who make the decission to have a child outside of wedlock. To me, it is very arrogant for a woman to try to do something on her own, that God meant as a job for two. God will help those who become stuck in the situation. But, when you do it on purpose you are asking for trouble. Both of my older sister had a child before getting married to other men. The two oldest girls for both of them have caused so much pain and heartache. They never felt like they belonged. God tells us to do things a certain way, because he knows it is best. Just like our earthly father's corrected us as children, not to spoil our fun, but because they knew what was best for us. God is the same way.
@luanakent (795)
• Brazil
12 Jan 08
Here where i live people to marry.There are those who live together and is more frequent. it is a big mistake this aversion by marriage. Decades ago appeared fashion of " fear of the role". I agree that a role does not change the sense.. but shows how a person feels in on other. Then.. it was fashionable to say :The role bothers the divorce..Analyzing see that phrase that is totally wrong. The great sadness of separation is felling. Then with paper or not.. hurt if people go the same way. As one who has skin'cells together.. the marriage is the cell of society. And a lawyer is not so expensive... Married or not on paper...will be a legal process in the same way.. since the rights are acquired by coexistence. Having aversion to marriage is hypocrisy, fear, lack sense and knowledge of God.
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
14 Jan 08
So you have common law marriage, that seems to make sense and I wonder if that should be instituted here. I understand the sadness of divorce, but I got married and had my son, and though there was pain, I think being married kept a father in his life a few years longer then if we were just living together. After that, my son had a father when it was convenient for him to be a father, when we were married, he was there more.
• Brazil
14 Jan 08
divorce affects children... always...
@villageanne (8554)
• United States
11 Jan 08
I believe that marriage is so very important. I hate to think it is going out of stye. IN our community, there are a lot of people just living together
1 person likes this
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
14 Jan 08
I think that is fine, but once they start having kids together, it makes me uncomfortable to see how many kids are being raised not just with a single Mom, but a father who is really not there for the mother. Who might be a biological father, but does not act like a family unit. Am I being clear?
• United States
15 Jan 08
Our community has a lot of single women with kids. The more they have, the more welfare check they get.
@tonyllenium (6266)
• Italy
11 Jan 08
i don't kow about other countries what happen as reagrds marriag style or thoughts about that on this purpose!! in my country sincerly marriage is out of style normally people here don't want marry..especially omen who see the marriage as an old forms in life!!so the numbe of a single is double year by year and statics say that we are one of the major nation where people don't want built a family and having children too!! i don't know what happen in this purpose..but i think that nowadays much about this is in relation to money,earns and something like that..
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
14 Jan 08
Do you think that things will change and the next generation will decide that marriage is the better way to go?
• Italy
14 Jan 08
beh probably can be a so..may be depends in what way the next generation will see the marriage statment!
• Canada
13 Jan 08
You wrote; 'she would never marry her baby-father yet she has a year old child by him and lives with him.' I can't help but wonder if she planned this pregnancy with this guy. I have heard of many people picking the father but no he won't be the husband they say. What gives with that? He is good enough to make a baby with you but not good enough to marry. To top it off she lives with the guy but oh no I won't marry him. What's up with that? People are so screwed up these days!
1 person likes this
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
14 Jan 08
Exactly! I know of several people with that exact same attitude. I am totally amazed, I know I am not 20 but I do have a firm grasp on reality.
• Philippines
12 Jan 08
You're living a real world. In the real world of today men and women have their own prerogative, meaning its their choice if they want to get married or not. I know single parents who choose to live alone with their child and they are quite sure that they would survive life without a wife/husband. Here in my country it's like that, maybe they think it would be happier to just be single and free and all that. Maybe, n ot really sure why.
1 person likes this
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
14 Jan 08
So are you saying that in the future, instead of trying to understand how divorce affects children, we will be wondering if marriage has adverse affects on them?
@GardenGerty (99345)
• United States
12 Jan 08
I see that trend so many places myself. In my job that is similar to yours, I see the same thing. Not in the management levels, but in the direct care staff. On the other hand, in my other job, in the schools, you almost never see that. I do not know any more than you why marriage is getting such a bum rap. I know that lots of people who are looking for some one to care for, or to care for them tend to have children. The people who work in direct care, and have caring personalities tend to fall into that category. Also people who work at caring in nursing homes. It is satisfying to care for people who need you. Maybe that is the answer. Getting married is an equal partnership, caring for a child is caring for someone who needs you.
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
14 Jan 08
Well, I know of several people in management that are in this trend, but more and more I wonder how they pick their management, since my manager is barely literate, a terrible manager and a worse leader and the people over him are not much better then him. (and none of them having caring personalities). One of the girls, who would never marry her 'baby-father' but is living with him, has 2 full-time jobs at 2 different agencies and also picks up a lot of OT shifts. She is not caring for her daughter, or her daughter's father. It is a puzzlement!
@Madona1 (2097)
• Gibraltar
14 Feb 08
I think marriage is going out of style even though I am still married with my hubby. Recently, I have read many articles published on the newspapers that many high profiles couples separated or divorced after 20 even 30 years together, which I hardly hear before. I always thought the separation or divorce is normally happen to the young couples due to the immature or unstable relationships. As a result of this, I do see the marriage is sort of out style from the other side of view. If the marriage is so insecure, after 30 YEARS TOGETHER, will still fall apart, what is the point to get marry then?
@cjsmom (1423)
• United States
7 Feb 08
We live in the boon docks and it's a typical Peyton Place around here. Everybody knows about everybody and it seems many enjoy sleeping around and almost brag about it. My husband and I are very private people so, even though we've lived in our small town for over 3 years, we don't know many people. When I used to go to the local 'pub' I would say something innocent and someone would in one way or another put a different spin on it and it would get back to my husband. Needless to say I don't go any longer and I don't tell anyone about our life so that nothing can be construed in the wrong light.