My daughter has decided to forgive me
@joyceshookery (2057)
United States
January 19, 2008 11:32pm CST
I wasn't a bad mom. I wasn't a good mom. I did the best I could with what I had to work with. She's 43 now. We have a cordial, though not close relationship.
She's taking a class called Landmark Forum, which deals with success, obstacles, relationships, and a bunch of other stuff.
She just called me during her class break to let me know she's letting go of her hurts from childhood. She wants to have a mother-daughter relationship. She just wants me to be her mom instead of feeling that she has to play the mother role for me...which is something I never asked her to do. She just thought she had to, somehow -- because of my dysfunction in some areas.
if Landmark Forum opened her heart like that, God bless Landmark Forum. I feel a healing of old wounds is on its way. I've been longing for this for a long time.
She told me she just wants me to be her mom. I didn't tell her this and I won't -- she is the one who's been concerning herself about my progress, my goals, instead of just hanging out and enjoying each other's company. I'm the one left feeling I'm supposed to be doing something that my daughter approves of. Oh hallelujah! It's not gonna be that way anymore and I feel FREE!
One of her major issues from childhood is that we moved a lot. She felt unimportant. I'm sorry we didn't talk about it then. How does a parent know something is going on when there are no obvious clues?
6 people like this
12 responses
@joyceshookery (2057)
• United States
20 Jan 08
Thank you for your response, Omar.
In the case of my daughter and me, she opened up to me and actually TOLD me what she had been keeping to herself. I feel blessed that she was able to do that.
Take care,
Joyce
2 people like this
@nanguofong (726)
• China
20 Jan 08
Oh, dear, I'm happy to hear that.
Something cannot importune, take it easy.
You have done well.
Good luck.
2 people like this
@joyceshookery (2057)
• United States
20 Jan 08
*Smile* thank you nangufong for the good luck.
I feel positive about the change, yet challenged because of the unknown dynamics in our new style of relating.
1 person likes this
@vanities (11395)
• Davao, Philippines
21 Jan 08
i understand what youve been through and feelings about it..yes as a mom its a hard job...where theres no school to get a degree out of it..its plainly on the way our parents/guardian brought us that what makes of us in the way also we treat our siblings plus environment..nobodies perfect..im glad that your daughter reach out to you!!
@joyceshookery (2057)
• United States
21 Jan 08
Thank you for your feedback, vanities. I'm glad, too.
@terilee79720 (3621)
• United States
22 Jan 08
Hi joyce. You started your discussion with, "I wasn't a bad mom. I wasn't a good mom".......Honey, I have said that exact same thing to myself a thousand times over.
Our children can certainly make us feel inadequate much of the time. I stopped worrying about doing things my daughter approved of. I know for a fact that me and her dad made the best choices for her throughout her life.
She's the one who rebelled against everything we believed in. If I said black, she said white. It was mostly to see how far she could push the envelope...to see how far our love could be tested.
When she saw the love was not in question, she moved on to other 'shock values'....
Our relationship now is strained at best. The one thing I learned from it all was just to do the best you can and get on with it. Forgive and move on. They sooner or later come to their senses.
@joyceshookery (2057)
• United States
22 Jan 08
Thanks for your response, Terri.
I agree with you and I hope your daughter and you get to a space where you can both relax in your relationship -- be who you are and enjoy your moments together.
@daryljane (3406)
• Philippines
20 Jan 08
Youre not a bad mom. Although we sometimes think about it differently. I used to say my mom is bad and this and that..but a lot of things changed when i become a mom myself. My grandfather used to tell, the only time you be a good mother, is be a good daughter yourself..and i guess he's right. We become close friends, we started not talking about old stuff that we know caused conflicts in the past. Congratulation! Im happy for you!
1 person likes this
@daryljane (3406)
• Philippines
20 Jan 08
well. i guess its time for you to let the excess baggage go. Or maybe the group that your daughter joined to will help you somehow..if it helped her, im sure it will help you too...
@joyceshookery (2057)
• United States
22 Jan 08
Oh, Cookie -- That's a horrible thing to lay on a child's heart. Even though he did stay, you knew how he really felt. It sure can put a damper on developing a close relationship with daddy.
@joyceshookery (2057)
• United States
20 Jan 08
My own mother and I were never close. She told me she wished I had never been born and sent me to live in foster care when I was very young.
I vowed that I would NEVER be like my mother, and I wasn't. I still had baggage left over from my own relationship with my mother, though.
You're right -- to not talk about the old stuff. It's over.
Thank you for your response.
@hannahjomommy (373)
• United States
24 Jan 08
I wanted to tell you good luck with your daughter. It is such a hard thing to have a rocky relationship. I have never heard of landmark forum. Is this something she is taking in college? I am interested in taking it.
I have always had a terrible relationship with my family. My parents were incredibly emotionally/ Mentally and physically abusive. I have tried hard to get over it. But its something I can not let go. It hurts to not have a relationship with them. But, I have had to step back for my own good.
Just be patient and loving. I think that its a blessing that she is stepping back into your life. Take it for what it is and hope for the best.
Congratulations!
@joyceshookery (2057)
• United States
24 Jan 08
Hi Hannah -- Thank you for reading this discussion and responding.
Landmark Forum is an intense three-day seminar about relationships and other obstacles. You can go to the website for more info. Just search for landmark forums.
Getting over traumas from our childhood environment takes a lot of work and even therapy if it's the right kind of therapy.
Good for you in stepping away from the abusive nature of your relationship. You've got to take care of yourself.
Thank you for your good wishes.
@AmbiePam (85423)
• United States
20 Jan 08
That's a good question. Growing up, my parents could tell something was wrong, but they had absolutely no idea what it was. They thought they had done all they could to get to the bottom of it, but really what they needed to have done was just to sit me down and ask me. So simple, but it never really happened. In their defense and in the defense of other parents, even if they had asked what the problem was, I don't know that I would have been open about it anyway. At some point we children have to accept our responsibility in how we are. I'm so glad to hear that your daughter has come to a conclusion where she and you will be able to get closer and communicate better. All you can do is your best. : )
@joyceshookery (2057)
• United States
20 Jan 08
My daughter had the gift of diplomacy. It wasn't a gift, though, because it prevented her from being open about her real feelings.
She has now come to the conclusion that she did have a responsibility.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
21 Jan 08
This is so wonderful for the both of you! I thouht as I read your post this could be me calling my mom. If only I had come to a place like your daughter as. I see my mom, I am even taking her and my father on a trip in the next few months; but we are not really close. Our relationship is very superficial. I have thought a lot about it lately. I really don't know how it could be any different or at this point if I want it to be. Taling personal with my mother at this age in a personal way would feel embarrassing to me. We have never in a day of my life had a real conversation that goes beyond the surface. Why start now? Do I want to change? I don't think so at this point I just except things as they are. Am I wrong? I think to try and change things now means opening up old wounds and recentments. I don't know if that is right. Is it right to do that? I am happy for you and your daughter it would be nice to get an update in the future of how your relationship changed.
@joyceshookery (2057)
• United States
21 Jan 08
You're not wrong to leave the past alone. Opening up to her could be very healing for both of you. It's risky because it could just open up old wounds. You might want a counselor to intermediate between you.
Sometimes there just isn't any closure to unfinished business in life because one or both people involved aren't ready.
My daughter initiated this on her own. I wasn't going to push anything because I thought "this is as good as it gets" (as in the movie).
If you want to talk about it more, I'll be glad to listen and give you feedback.
@janisspaggiari59 (656)
• United States
20 Jan 08
Like you said,you did the best you could.Parents all have a little guilt about, did we do enough ? was I enough ? did I
teach them enough ? was I a good enough parent ? It goes on and on.I would just concentrate on the relationship now
and stop blaming yourself.
@joyceshookery (2057)
• United States
20 Jan 08
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Janis. Parenting doesn't come with an instruction book. She's an adult now, and I'm looking forward to our relationship as good friends.
@bushfiredmx (111)
• Philippines
20 Jan 08
It's great that your daughter forgave you. That's really nice to hear! Well, it's probable that you did not spend too much time with her when she was little so you didn't notice what was going on. Kids tell a lot of things to their parents when their around. It's probable that you were so busy back then that you sometimes did not notice her feelings and you thought that everything was ok. Best thing to do now is to patch up your differences and moving forward, try to connect more often with your daughter.
@joyceshookery (2057)
• United States
21 Jan 08
Hi bush,
I was a working mom all her life. You're right in your perception that her inner feelings slid right past me unnoticed.
From now on I want to maintain closer contact with her.
Thank you for your feedback, bush.
@ellie333 (21016)
•
20 Jan 08
Wow Joyce that it such good news. I wish you and you daughter all the best in this new development of your relationship and pleased that you now feel free. Years ago I went to a Landmark Forum meeting at the Novotel in Hammersmith London and someone who had hurt me stood up and apologized for what they had done and the hurt cause, which healed some wounds. I have always loved my mum but didn't start getting really close to her until I had my own children. Sometimes it takes an event in life to realize eh
@joyceshookery (2057)
• United States
20 Jan 08
*Hugz* ellie -
Thank you for sharing. I'm looking forward to my daughter and me moving on with better connectedness.
@besthope44 (12123)
• India
29 Aug 10
Thats nice to hear.. Forgiveness project one as a god..he is equal to god!
