Having one child is hard enough to deal with at times

United States
January 20, 2008 8:10am CST
When woman have one child still in diapers? Then have another one on the way. It seems they are aways complaining about no rest. Being tired of this or that. The hubby not doing his part. Or what ever it may be that day. Is this not a good enough reason to wait a year or two for the first child to be walking and out of diapers? Bonding with mommie and getting to know themselves. before having to share them and the little time that will be available. So many kids never really had that bonding. Kids are being born back to back like eating breakfast and then lunch. Where is the time for the first child? I see it all the time and it can be very sad.
6 people like this
21 responses
@Sissygrl (10915)
• Canada
20 Jan 08
Sometimes its not planned. It just happens that way. My daughter is 18 months, and i am 7 months pregnant. I will not leave her out just because i haev a new baby, I know that i will have less time, but she is a really good girl, and likes to help mommy, and she has a half brother and really enjoys him. So i think that she will help me as much as an 18 month old can lol. and not be too jealous. I have started to get her to help me on a doll to get her used to it. She baths her dolly when i give her a bath, and she dresses the dolly, and feeds the dolly. I think as long as i keep her as involved as i can with the new baby, as well as give her her own special time alone It will be fine. I'll be sure not to complain about having no time.
3 people like this
• United States
20 Jan 08
That sounds so sweet of you. I am glad she has a brother as well. That will make it all the better. By the way do you introduce him as her brother or half brother? My reasoning is this my sister,and two brothers have different fathers. We have never called one of them half brother or sister. Just wondering. Good luck to you.
2 people like this
@Sissygrl (10915)
• Canada
20 Jan 08
To the children or around the children we just call them brother an sister, I just say half brother on mylot to indicated that he's not my first born ;)
3 people like this
@Sharon38 (1915)
• Jamaica
20 Jan 08
When I became pregnant with my daughter I found out that she was number 14 for her father. Of course I was shocked and sad to say he does not have time for her unless I take her to him. However, I can also relate to the half brother and sister issue because technically spesking I have only one brother that we are of the same parents - mother and father. The rest by mother's side are really loving and caring and on the father side the exact opposite. Some women get pregnant without being prepared but I beleive that a mother has enough love for even 20 more children (smile). Just how big and loving a mother;s heart and arms are. GFod bless
3 people like this
@rosey3223 (1569)
• United States
20 Jan 08
Well honestly I have three and my first two are 6 years apart. What I found hard in that is that my oldest started demanding 3 times as much attention as before, and I completely understood why...he wasn't the baby any more. But what was really frustrating is that my oldest started acting like a baby himself and to this day still acts like one on occasion. Does that mean that I don't give him attention, no, I still do...but he's not a baby anymore!! But now that I had my third (who is only 3 weeks old), my toddler doesn't act any different than before. Is the bonding over with? No, and he knows it!! I try to spend just as much time with one child as I do with the other...THAT is what is tiring to me, trying to spread the attention! Well that and only getting three hours of sleep a day doesn't help. Now about the father helping out...that was a fantasy for me. I learned REAL quick that I was the soul caretaker of my kids. That doesn't mean that he doesn't help out every once in a while, but I am the main one that takes care of them. And you know, I wouldn't have it any other way because I know my kids. I know what they like and don't, what they want and don't, I understand their language, and I am there whenever they get hurt...and I don't like it when others step on that. Honestly I don't think some women really know what they are getting themselves into when they do have children back to back like that, but I bet that if you asked them if there is anything about it that they would change, they would tell you "no". But I have to say that my toddler is taking it a whole lot better than my oldest did. And during my whole pregnancy I was worried about my toddler and being jealous. But he is fine and knows that mommy loves him. I don't treat him any different than before. I obviously can't speak for all women out there, but I know my situation. And even though I complain about it sometimes...shoot, who doesn't complain about their situation sometimes...I wouldn't have it any other way.
2 people like this
• United States
21 Jan 08
That is so nice to read. Thanks for the smile. Your a good mother and you can't say this about all of them. :)
1 person likes this
@rosey3223 (1569)
• United States
21 Jan 08
Why thank you for you nice compliments...I can't tell you how much that makes me feel better. You're welcome for the smile, glad I could do that for you.
• United States
22 Jan 08
Rosey I could steal some of your comments, because they describe my family and me to a T. Now while my older 4 are in school, my younger two alternate naps which means no me time and no time to get much done. But I love it cause I get alone time with each one. But when the 9month old wants to nap at the same time as the 2.5 yr old, I love that too cause then I can get some quiet time to get stuff done and get regenevated (sp?)so I can be even a better mom when they wake up. KWIM? My 4th child was 6 yrs old when baby #5 was born and he struggled with it and acted out in his behavior. When I got pregnant with baby #6, #5 was so happy and is such a good big brother. #4 is still dealing with jealousy/displacement, but its gotten a lot better.
@lightningd (1041)
• United States
20 Jan 08
For me, my children were born about 2 1/3 years apart. My oldest child was 4 months short of 3 when my second one was born. He had already finished his potty training and honnestly, I think it would be difficult to afford to have more than one child in diapers at a time. I do believe though, that you don't want too large of an age gap between children. The age gap with my two is good as far as I can tell. My oldest graduated high school last May, and my youngest graduates 3 years later. (May 2010). The benefit to having children closer together for some people is that they want to enjoy the last few years before retirement, with no children in the house. You're still working, earning vacation time (with pay) and you can afford to travel on those vacations. For me, I'll be 43 when my youngest graduates, which leaves me plenty of time. I think it depends greatly on your age when you have your first child. If you wait until you are 30 to have your first one, then you're going to be nearly 50 when that one graduates. If you have 3 or 4 kids, you're going to be pushing 60 before you've got them all out of the house, let alone getting them through college.
2 people like this
• United States
21 Jan 08
Now this sounds like your kids are blessed.. They had time to bond with you alone. I like to hear that. I also think the space is great for your family. I have one 13 year old. My ex want me to have one for him. I am 38 and would most likely pass. it's just not good for me or my daughter. Thanks for the response. I have to read more before giving best response. :)
• United States
21 Jan 08
Obviously you realize the risks associated with pregnancy past 30. I was an only child, and honnestly, I liked it. Some only children feel like they missed out on something, but I never did. I did have the time to bond with both of my children and I think they have turned out better because of it. I know people now, who although they have children the same age distance apart, they had the kids during the summer, and and went right back to work at the end of summer, (teachers) and their kids are more attached to their NaNa (grandma) than their own parents because they didn't get that bonding time.
1 person likes this
@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
21 Jan 08
I can see this being difficult. My brother and I were very close. But he was very much a mommy's boy, and although I enjoyed my time with her (I'm the baby of the family), I also enjoyed time on my own, plus my brother and I were close - in fact once when I was crying on the changing table he gave me his blankie - which he never parted with. What I don't get are the 'accidents' the 'accident's that happen over and over. Sometimes, like in the case of kids born so close, its pro-life to use birth control - pro the lives already here - the first baby, the mommy even!
2 people like this
• Abernathy, Texas
21 Jan 08
When I said close - although we were close (though bickering)kids, I meant in age - 18 months apart.
@SViswan (12071)
• India
21 Jan 08
I understand what you are saying and it's true. My second child was born when my older was 6 years and 3 months. And I must say it is crazy here and tiring but not as much as it would be with 2 very young kids. But on the other hand, when people have kids back to back, the initial years are very tiring but in a couple of years the parents are free. The kids more or less grow up together and are out of diapers and walking and doing things themselves. It also works best for mothers who've taken time off work to have a family and intend to go back to work when the kids are in school. If they postpone having a baby for another year, they would lose another year at work. They might rather complain and go through the trouble in a couple of years than lose another year at work. There are many more reasons I feel and each one to their own. Each one chooses when they want to have their kids.
2 people like this
@shymurl (2768)
• United States
21 Jan 08
My first two were pretty close. I was pregnant with one on the way. I thought it was going to be hard. But in the end I think it worked out for the best. I did everything with my first during the pregnancy. He helped me around the house and we went to places together. And now he's 10 and we are still really close. He tells me everything and comes to me when he needs help. I think we have a great bond. I have a great bond with all three of my children.
2 people like this
@wisedragon (2330)
• Philippines
21 Jan 08
I agree one child is probably enough. Or there should be a few years' gap before the next one. The world is so much more competitive nowadays.
2 people like this
@Tramell (17)
• United States
20 Jan 08
yea i know because all them
2 people like this
@wmaharper (2316)
• United States
20 Jan 08
I think every family really just has to choose for themselves. i have a three 1/2 year old and a 1 1/2 year old, I remember those first 6 months as busy, and I cried alot. (: My oldest was potty training and my youngest has always been difficult and a handful. Had I known that my youngest would have been such a spitfire, I may have waited, but I don't know, the boys are so close and love each other so much, I would hate for them to be any more distance in years between them! I think it was worth it, now it's pretty easy, and they play SO well together, also, if I need them to be occupied, They can watch the same show, or do the same activity and it keeps both of their attentions! My oldest and I get time alone when the younger one is still sleeping after nap and the youngest wakes up earlier than the oldest in the morning, and we find time to snuggle. We are however waiting until the youngest is about 3, before we have the next, b/c we feel like he will need some additional attention to deal with misbehaviors and his temper. But, like I said, I think everyone needs to make that descision on their own and then be prepared for a "suprise" pregnancy. (over 50% of all pregnancies are unplanned)
2 people like this
@crazylady (470)
• United States
22 Jan 08
Tho I understand what you are saying, I think you are not being open minded. For one, like some posters pointed out, some weren't necessarily planned. I have had birth controls fail me. I had 4 kids in four years. The only PLANNED pregnancy was the 3rd one. Even tho it was very overwhelming at times to have 4 kids under the age of 5, I think it was harder when my youngest was 6 yrs old to find my pregnancy test came out positive. Birth control failed me again. After being able to sleep thru the night and of course being 6 yrs older myself, it was so much harder to adjust to getting up with a newborn again. My older kids always have someone to play with or fight with and it teaches them how to have relationships with other people. I would change some things, but I think things happen for a reason and they all work out. Yeah I grumble sometimes but I take time to enjoy the special things too. Now I have six kids. I refused to get pregnant with baby # 6 until after baby #5 was at least one year old cause I wanted his whole first year uninterrupted by me having morning sickness. Baby #6 cooperated. Ironically #3 and #6 are the only ones that are planned. Should I send them all back?
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Jan 08
No I could not see you doing that. My mother has six kids as well. 30,32,35,38,39,and 40 and she would have had # 7. Good luck to you. :)
@arkaf61 (10882)
• Canada
22 Jan 08
ALthough I agree with you, in principle , that waiting some time might be a good idea for some moms, this is not the best solution for everybody, not counting the fact that sometimes it's at that time that "small" accidents happen and here comes child number 2. THe bonding time with mom can be as good and positive with one child or two or three - what happens if the mom has triplets? MYself I did prefer to wait until I had my next child but it really doesn't mean that my choice is the best, just my choice. WHat works for some people doesn't necessarily have to work for others.
@Ravenladyj (22937)
• United States
21 Jan 08
None of my kids were planned, I had my two oldest 18 months apart AND i was a single parent with a b@stard of an ex and I was working...BUT that being said...I LOVED IT....sure there were times that it was hard but so flippin what! THEY'RE MY BABIES....Parenting is hard at times regardless of how many, how close together etc etc....I'll never really understand that whole complaining thing to be honest with you...Being a parent takes time, work and energy BUT its all WORTH IT..and if one manages themselves properly there shouldnt be any complaining on a regular basis ya know... I also don't understand how a parent cant include the older child with the taking care of the new baby ya know...its really not hard to do BUT you do need to have patience and be firm about alot of things as well.... I dunno, maybe its just me and how I do things (which as anyone who knows me knows I dont do things in a "standard/normal" fashion LOL)...
1 person likes this
@subha12 (18453)
• India
21 Jan 08
you are right. ideally there should be convenient difference in age. otherwsie the older one will miss the time to bond with parents, mainly mothers. But i think sometimes the plannings braek and it ahppens.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
21 Jan 08
My daughter just turn 3 years old and i am sad that i am not at her side most of the day. You see i am a working mom as well as my husband , we both go home together already late at night when she is already asleep. then sometimes we left the house while she still sleeping. So everytime that she sees the two of us i can see the happiness in her eyes. I know that she also misses us, sometimes i woke up because of her kiss. And honestly i am worried that she will grow up without our supervision. but i cant stop working or else we will have nothing to eat. Me , i wanted to be with my daughter most of the time but i cant. So i think those mothers out there that have all the time on earth to spend with their daughter must cherish that moment and must be happy.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Jan 08
I think it absolutely ridiculous and a bit sad that you imply that a mother has to split her love and attention between the first and second children. A mom doesn't have to split what love she has, it multiplies to include the rest. And though you might not have as much individual time to spend with each child depending on how many you have, moms find unique ways to make each of their children feel important. As a mom of two born within a year and a half of each other, I can say it's just as tiring with one as with two, perhaps only a bit more so. What makes it so tiring is raising children and giving them all the attention you know they need as well as running your household, holding down a job, and dealing with a husband. Moms with one child complain just as much about being tired. As one of the firstborn children in a family of 11, we all had enough bonding with our mom. We just did it all together.
@bizmom (515)
• United States
22 Jan 08
WOW!! im sure my mother would have lots to input here ( being im one of 8) lol but I do agree! WAITING for the first to atleast KNOW how U are first without havingto share u with someone else BUT... i agree with someone who said most times its not planned ( the second one) ME for example I had mysecond two years after my first ( she was OUT of diapers by 2 and walking too so..) but with the mess up in my birth control ( oy lets not go there!) lol I ended up pregnant before i was ready! i was so sick thinking i had the flu!! was so emotionaly drained ( due to crap with ex) and didnt even MIND my OWN body with periods... so i was three months along before i knew!! and of course Shocked and Happy too -- KNOWING this one was NOT going to have to deal with alot of the CRAP her sis and I did with my ex! ( and yes he was/is the father lol- thati SOON left after finding out!!) I had a wonderful time with my first daughter!! her and i bonded like nothing i have ever seen and i still tear up when i think of it!! potty training was easy she was easy and so much fun !! I even worried i wouldnt ( couldnt) possibly love my second as much! it really scared me!! BUT OH BOY!! when i seen her ( my second) OH! talk about cup runith over!!! The have been through ALOT with me sticking up for me with alot ( now that they are older and inherited my mouth!) lol the two most easiest babies ever!! OF COURSE im getting it BACK 10 fold now with them teens but... wouldnt trade it for ANYTHING!!! Sorry had a MOMMY moment there:) SO its not always a matter of waiting or planning its what ur PROVIDED with to care for! lovely beautiful babies that count on u to love care and bring them up!! not the count not the shared Mommy/Daddy but the over all love thats given!!! XXX
@kwenge (2493)
• Kenya
22 Jan 08
Children are a blessing from God and whenever they come we have to embrace the blessing. But there are parents who willingly plan to get pregnant at a certain age so if it is their will then their is no question about that. They can bond even when the other child is already born. My fiancee, his sister and another are like twins, they were born in a 9 month difference and they are all healthy, loved and now grown ups. Long time ago before contraceptives, parents used to have natural birth controls, they never even knew anything about safe days.
22 Jan 08
I totally disagree. My oldest is now 6. I got pregnant with number 2 when #1 was 8 months old. They are 17 months apart. While yes, sometimes it was difficult when I was nursing the baby and the oldest was running through the house like a maniac, but there was plenty of time for bonding with both of them. Any good parent can bond with their children no matter how many and how close in age. By your reasoning, people with twins or triplets would never bond with their children. My oldest two are so close. They share a room by choice. They play together as much as they can (the oldest is in 1st grade now, so he is not home during the day) They are each other's best friend and neither has ever been jealous of time spent with me or my husband. My baby is 3 months old, so now I have a child in school, a 5 year old at home, and a 3 month old baby, and they ALL get quality time with mom. As for being tired, isn't everybody? When I didn't have kids, I was tired alot, from work, stress, partying all the time, whatever. Now I'm tired from work, cleaning house, the kids, whatever. Nothing changes in that respect. With or without kids, there is always too much to do. I know people with only one child that whine and complain about how tired they are, and their spouses won't do anything to help. And that's with a kid that is no longer in diapers!!! And as for complaing about Hubby not helping, if that's the case then it's the persons's own fault. Why be with a man that doesn't want to be an equal partner in a relationship? That's stupid. A friend at work asked me once who babysat for me when I worked. I said no one. She started freaking out thinking I was leaving my kids at home unattended. I said no, my husband is home at night while I work. SHe says "oh, he babysits then." NO. HE parents. He's their father, he does his part. You don't say I babysit all day while he's at work. All that aside, sometimes you don't choose when you are going to have a child. I was on the pill when I got pregnant with number one. A friend was on birth control with all 3 of her pregnancies ( different one each time. Apparantly, no birth control was effective enough for her!!!) Basically, you do the best you can, and hopefully, your kids won't hate you for it !!!
@mflower2053 (3227)
• United States
21 Jan 08
My children are 23 months apart. It was 2 months after my first child turned 1 that I found out I was pregnant again. I was upset because my body wasn't where I wanted it to be to get pregnant again and I still felt my daughter was just a baby which she was. She was still in diapers and just learned to walk. It was kind of easy as far as the naps we both fell asleep after lunch which helped me out alot since I was always tired when I was pregnant. Now that my second daughter is here I am very happy that they were born close together. They will have a great relationship while growing up. They will be able to share things and yes I know there will be times when they don't get along but they will get over that. With my oldest being 30 months old now and my youngest being 7 months old they are funny to watch together. Yes it is hard but its worth every smile they put on my face as I watch them grow and play. Great post.
@Laurla98 (786)
• United States
21 Jan 08
I think sometimes it just happens. Its not always planned. My SIL was on birth control after she had my niece and bam...three months after she was born she was pregnant with my nephew. Their youngest son is 5 years younger than the two oldest because she got on a different birth control pill. But she had no way of knowing that it wasn't working. She always says that having two kids in diapers was very expensive, but never complains about it otherwise. Her kids are very close and are there for each other.