If this happened to you, would you change your mind?
By CoffeeAnyone
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
Canada
January 20, 2008 6:50pm CST
I have a friend who lives far far away? Before she moved away we new each other for say 5 years. We met taking a 1 year program. We became friends after the program was over. For about a year we saw each other a couple of times a month or less for about two years. Then I moved away but saw her maybe once a year until she moved away a year later. Of and on we communicate on email. This has been going on now for 10 years. Keep in mind we can go a couple of years without sending each other a email. I have also wanted to go visit her on her far away tropical island. One I would love to see her and another is I think it would make her so happy to have someone come visit from her homeland. I think she has only had her brother and mother come one time in these 10 years. So I would love to do this for her. Will I am suppose to have this trip booked by now. But the week I decided to call her to let her know I was going to be booking the trip that day or the day after she was very rude on the phone. She answered abruptly and when finding out it was me calling from thousands of miles away her attitude didn't change a bit. We were disconnected and I quickly called back to talk briefly about the trip. She answered the phone like she was peeved off that I called back. I guess it was early morning and she had things to do. So I quickly and politely ended the call. I felt sick. I thought what am I doing? I am spending our hard earned 5000 dollars to travel thousands of miles to visit a friend that I have known for how long. Why am I doing this. My husband doesn't know her or her husband at all because I met my husband after I moved away. I have always put friends needs and wants before mine, but in the past couple of years I am doing some personal evaluating and trying to get my prorities straight. I was doing good I though except I just melted into yes I will come and visit you. Why because in my insides I think I am doing this for her and of course I would like to see her too. But this phone call I stopped and thought what am I doing? So I have not booked the trip. Recently she wrote me a short note saying, 'what is going on; did you book the trip?' love your friend ..... But even though a couple of months have passed I have not called her and I have not booked the trip and I have not emailed. I just feel sick about spending all that money on a trip to please someone else when it is highly possible that person would never truely appreciate it. Hubby is doing it for me? I have not shared with him my delima I have only said to him I don't really have a desire to go to blank anymore maybe we can go somewhere else. Does anyone out there have some clarity on this? I would appreciate it. Tell me off or whatever just talk to me.
2 people like this
11 responses
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
21 Jan 08
I gather she was upset because you called her early in the morning. You probably woke her up, she might have been having a bad dream and was terrified, figuring you were part of the dream. It would have been better to have written her a letter or email her, asking her if she would not mind if you come over to visit, ask her about the tourist attractions, where to stay, et cetera. It might not have been a good time for her to receive visitors.
I think if you are going to phone someone, you have to consider THEIR time zone, not yours. And write or email first, telling her that you will give her a phone call to confirm, and ask her the best time to call.
2 people like this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
21 Jan 08
No she wasn't upset because I called her early in the morning per say. I did consider her time zone and I new she would be having her morning coffee getting ready for work. Okay will I was a little bit off. She had already been up for quite a while and instead of getting ready for work she was on the intenet so when my call came she was rushing to get her kids up for school. I wasn't even phoning to chat it was only to tell her yes I am booking the flights today and wanted to make sure the dates were okay with her as she had just gotton a new job and so our plans to spend time together had changed a great deal. Now we might only get to see each other a little bit but just wanted her to know we were still coming and this was the date we were working on and was that okay with her. Then she would of hung up and I would of been fine with that because I knew she had to get ready for work and kids to school. So even though I expected a totally short phone call I did not expect the rudeness on the other end of the phone when she answered the phone and continued even when I said Hi it's me I am ready to book the flights. Even after saying it was me she was still impatient. She said she spent to much time on the internet and now was rushing and we got cut off. I called back to say just wanted to give you the date and she was snappy and still sounded peeved off. After thinking about it a lot I realized I do not care what the problem was at home unless it is serious . A friend who is willing to spend a few thousand dollars to come visit you is on the phone. You can offer up a certain amount of politeness. Yes I do know she wanted me to come for a visit other wise she would not be writing me and asking me how the plans were going and doing nice things to her garden so we can enjoy our coffee in the outdoors of her paridise island. I know she wanted this but I am now feeling like I am wasting my money.
@Lindalinda (4111)
• Canada
21 Jan 08
Well, it seems to me that your contact over the years has been sporadic. You don't really know what is going on in the life of your friend. Maybe she has trouble in her marriage, maybe her husband does not want visitors, maybe they live in very modest quarters and would be embarrassed to have visitors, maybe they have no room or no money to entertain guests. I would not spend that much money and take a chance to be disappointed. If you really want to visit this far away tropical island why don't you book a package deal where your hotel, guest house or bed and breakfast is included. Then take in the sights and attractions of this island. Make arrangements to meet your friend for coffee, lunch or dinner but be independent. If she and her husband invite you over to their place for a visit all the better, if not do your own thing.
2 people like this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
21 Jan 08
Hi Linda.. yes exactly,,the intention was never to stay in their home. She did say we could but I said no as their house is very busy with kids and quite small. So no we planned the hotel and they can visit us there and of course we would go visit them at their home if they wanted. We would only see them half the time because they work full time. So hubby and I would be sightseeing and on our own most of the time. This really is to just spend a few days , take them out for dinner, have a visit and maybe have one day to tour their island with them in places they would want us to see. Her hubby and I know each other well and he was happy to have us come too. But yes I totally see what you mean in what you said and that is why I said no to staying with them and choose a hotel. WE really don't know each other enough to stay their that long and I wouldn't want to put that on hubby.
@carolbee (16230)
• United States
21 Jan 08
I'll put myself in your shoes and tell you what I'd do. I'd wait to book the trip. I'd email her again and ask if something was wrong. I'd explain that I was a little uncomfortable about the last conversation on the phone. I'd ask if your friend was irritated with you about something. I would need details especially if I was going to make a very long trip. I'd also be concerned about my husband not knowing anyone but me. Then I'd ask myself if I would want to be in the same situation and would it be a fun trip for my husband.
I'd call after your friend gets the email and answers you. See if you can dig around and find out what's going on. If you are taking this trip primarily because you feel sorry for her, you might want to reconsider the trip. That's alot of money.
I hope you work things out because I do realize the value of a good friend.
1 person likes this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
21 Jan 08
Thanks carol,, yes I went through this process about hubby a couple of years ago when we planned this trip. See really this is a lot of money just to visit a few day and have a bit of time together. They both work so we can only see them in the evening and maybe the weekend if we are there. So mostly it will be hubby and I doing the site seeing. Hubby would have a great time because her husband and mine are into the same type of interests although their jobs are different. NO it would of been really nice because like I said it we would only see them about half the time. It isn't about feeling sorry for her she has a busy busy life where she is and new freinds. She would love to see an old friend though. Will at least that as what she has been telling me. My motive is still wrong no matter which way I look at it. I am going to do something nice for her. It is some sick thing in me that as the need to please. Will not all because I would love to see her too. I really like her in so many ways yet we are so extremely different too. But I like her what can I say. That mornign she was on pc for to long and wasted time. She had to go to work and get kids ready for school and I called and it annoyed her because she was just started to race to get things done to get her and the kids to work and school on time. I hear you and agree with all that you said.
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
21 Jan 08
Right the intention was never to stay with them. I didn't want to do that because for one hubby and I are together and I felt that was just to much to ask. So no we picked a lovely hotel and we would see my friends when they are not working and for the rest hubby and I would have a great time doing our own thing. Yes it did sound like she was having a bad day for sure. Maybe I reacted because of where I was at in my life to when it comes to getting my priorites straight and just learning to not put friends needs and wants ahead of my own. I dont' know really, all I know is my insides felt sick at the end of those calls and I couldn't shake it off as I normally would have.
@AmbiePam (85261)
• United States
21 Jan 08
So you are taking your husband with you? In that case, you could go ahead and go to this location, but not go see her or tell her you are coming so you two could do your own thing. Frankly, I'm appalled at her behavior and honestly I would not go. I can't stand for one person to be so nice, and the other just walk all over their friendliness. It wouldn't hurt to tell her your plans changed, and then gradually lose touch. That's not wrong, that is saving yourself more heartache.
@AmbiePam (85261)
• United States
21 Jan 08
I hear you. I have felt foolish before, putting myself out there for a friend, when I have something to lose. I don't know if this will be what happens with you and your friend, but it was a great day when I let that friend out of my life. She behaved horribly one too many times. I forgave her, but when she tried to contact me again I did not respond. At some point I had to learn a lesson. She just was not meant to be in my life at this time. Since then I have total peace about it. A friend should not cause anxiety, especially when they offer no explanation for the behavior, nor share about any problems that might have caused it.
1 person likes this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
21 Jan 08
Yes your lesson is a lesson I have had to learn before too. This friend I do remember when she lived near me that this behavior seemed to be a part of her character. Usually it was always when she was running late or things weren't going as she wanted. She acted abrupt during those times. We never really hung out a lot so I didn't have to deal with it. I just figured gee, when someone calls you have not talked to in years by the phone only emails and spending a lot of money to come see you then you can show some curtecy. Am I wrong?
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@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
21 Jan 08
Hubby and I have been saving for this kind of second honeymoon trip for a few years. My friends island is about another 8 hour flight away from where we were going. So I had the thought hey let's pop over to visit my friends, hubby will enjoy their company I know. But in order to do it we had to save another 2 thousand for the trip or more. You see originally we were going to use airmiles for our travel because hubby travels a bit for work so now we have enough to go on our trip. But to see her it cost a whole plan ticket each from our holiday destination but it cost double to get to her from our place. So lots of money and then hotel and food. They work so we would be doing our own thing most of the time. I always new if I didn't see her this trip would cost me much much less but we when will I get to that area again and wouldn't it be nice to do this, she would be so happy. My reaction was exactly what you sad. I hung up the phone and my emotions took a few minutes to take hold as I digested what had just happened. I felt appalled! I said to myself is this right that I should feel this way. To tell you the truth I felt embarrassed that I was willing to take our savings and spend it on this friend and I didnt' want to tell hubby. I still have not. I only say you know I don't need to go visit that island just follow through with our original plan. But hubby says no no I know how much it would mean to you to see your friend and I want to do this for you. NO no really honey, I am over it.. let's you and I stick to the honeymoon idea and thing of no one else. I feel sad, I am not sure why! I think I am mad at me again because I find I do this all the time I want so much for friends to be happy I will go out of my way to make it happy. This is a flaw. Sounds weird I know but it is true and for the past two years I have been trying to get a balance in this. I thought I was done but that day I called her I felt like I got slapped and once again this need to please showed up in my face.
1 person likes this
@Debs_place (10520)
• United States
21 Jan 08
Maybe you should explain the situation to her, being very honest. Something awful may have been happening in her life at that time and her adrenaline was running wild. You never know.
Tell her how you felt and the fact is that 5K is a lot of money and your husband would not know anyone and this makes you feel uncomfortable.
You don't say where it is she lives, but maybe you can make a trip there and seeing her can be part of the trip but not plan on spending the whole trip with your friend if things go badly.
2 people like this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
21 Jan 08
In the beginning that was the plan. First or last part of the trip with her. It turns out if we do it first there really is not enough money left to go anywhere else. The other is if we save it for the end there is no money either. So the whole trip as to be on here Island. She assures me there is no need for me to travel anywhere else because her surroundings are as beautiful as anywhere in the world. So instead of going for a week to see her and a week somewhere else we were thinking 10 days t where she is and in a few months take another short trip to Mexico or Hawaii which would be nice idea to.
@ravinskye (8237)
• United States
21 Jan 08
I think you should talk to your friend about this. You probably just caught her on a bad day. She may be really lonely out there and its putting her in a bad mood. I would explain to her that your feelings are hurt and see what she says. I'm not saying you have to go, but atleast talk to her about it.
2 people like this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
21 Jan 08
No matter what I am about to say I know that your right and I should talk to her. I just hate confrontation and so does she. We are both not brave that way. About her bad mood. I got the feeling it was early in the morning and she wasted to much time on the internet and was now having to race to make sure her kids were late for school. She sound really ticked that I had actually called back and said just that;" now my kids are going to be late for school" but made it sound like it was because I called back but then said not because of you of course,,,which I new was true but her tone was so abrupt. I said I will let you go to do what you have to do. She said okay send me an email and update me on your trip. But when I hung up I thought oh wow,, I am spending my only savings to go visit her and she can not even say one thing in a nice tone. I thought what am I doing? Once again I am doing something that maybe I shouldn't be doing. I don't know. I guess I am hurt.
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
21 Jan 08
I really don't believe it was intentional but still. I just can't get over when she new this was long distance from a friend who is willing to come visit and to still act that way floors me.
@Modestah (11179)
• United States
21 Jan 08
I would be leery of making the final commitment to go as well.
there could be several reasons why she responded that way -
1 could be she is too embarrased to have you come out - maybe a poor relationship with her spouse or even their living conditions may be less than she would like you to see.
or you may have called at a bad hour waking her out of a sleep or something?
1 person likes this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
21 Jan 08
Thanks, I feel even if my friend didn't mean to act that way. She did; and I have to ask myself if it is right for me to be traveling those extra miles, spending all that extra money for a friend that possibly doesn't value my friendship as much as I do. I didn't wake her up as she was awake and running late. But still a kind word doesn't take any time at all. I new what time of day I was calling and I wasn't calling to chat only to let her know I was booking my flights and checking the dates with her.
@maximax8 (31053)
• United Kingdom
21 Jan 08
I think it is sad to lose touch with friends that moved away. It is lovely to stay in contact with them which is what you did. Maybe you feel annoyed about your last conversation with her. She was probably caught at a bad time like not feeling well or having a stressful day. But it might be nice if you told her how you felt after that conversation. She might say sorry for doing this to you and give you an explanation. I think you would feel happier if you first cleared this problem and did the trip to see your friend. You and your husband would probably have a lovely time seeing her. I had a phone call from a friend from some distance away and we got the phone call cut off. I rang my friend straight back to explain this. If I hadn't he might have thought that I was rude. It was nothing of this sort, just a bad phone line. Good luck if you talk to your friend and sort things out with her. If you visit her I hope it will go well for you.
@Buttercup26 (164)
• India
21 Jan 08
Firstly, I have to say it is very difficult to maintain any kind of relationships when you are the other person are in different places. Changes take place in a person's life all the time and it sort of transforms him/her. I am sure your friend must be having a bad phase. And to plan such a big trip was a huge decision by you. I feel you should have discussed it with her first. I would suggest that you write her an e-mail or even a handwritten letter to her expressing all that you have felt.
@paparon_08 (2)
• Philippines
21 Jan 08
hi coffeeanyone, there's a lot of maybe in this case that you should consider. like for example, maybe she's just too busy that day, or maybe she's in a bad mood or somethings bothering her. Maybe you should ask her first before thinking of any reasons on that case. Ask her if there' a problem with your plans visiting her??? I hope you too would understand each other, don't waist those years of friendship you've made. I hope that even i am a newbie at mylot, i could share some helpful response to you.see you at mylot.take care always!
1 person likes this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
21 Jan 08
I do agree with you on everything you say. Except no matter what I just can't imagine a friend calling me long distance who was spending a lot of money to come and see me and I snap at them not once but on two quick and short phone calls. Maybe I thought we were disconnected on the first call but really maybe she hung up.
Everyone is correct I should of emailed her right away to ask what was wrong. But because I had my own issues at the time I kept putting it off and now two months as gone by. She did write me one short note asking me how the planning was going for the trip and ended the note with love your friend. But still I was really shocked over those calls that morning. I understand the bad day,, feeling rushed but I can't understand not one nice word or glad you called or anything and sorry for my mood or nothing. Oh well like I said I do need to write her.
