Can a working mom be a good mom?

@chrysz (1603)
Philippines
January 31, 2008 9:21am CST
I got this topic from ivillagae and until now, I have not yet really decided idf i should really work or not. I will be leaving for Singpore on feb 19 and Iwill be leaving my two girls. When I had only one child, I used to tutor kids from 4pm onwards and it seemed that I missed a lot with my first born. Now tih my second child, I planned to go abroad to seek a better paying job but as much as possible I don't wanna leave my kids. I am just considerng the fact that I could bring along my kids and my partner if I ever get a good job in Singapore but the problem is even if I bring them along, I would still be busy working. My husband would work too and probably leave the kids with a nanny or a relative. I am not sure if i will still be an effective if I do this. What about you? What's your view about the question?
5 people like this
28 responses
@somu007 (51)
• India
1 Feb 08
of course she can as long as she gives some time to her children.mothers should always remember 1 thing that they have no substitutes.if a woman tells her husband to look after the child for 2 days,it is not going to happen,simply because her husband will not be able to give the same comfort level as she would have been able to give.so dont leave your children....they need you.
2 people like this
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
Thanks, I'll think about it...
@SViswan (12071)
• India
1 Feb 08
Who said a working mom can't be a good mom...it's all in the time management. One on my neighbours was a doctor and she had a nanny at home to help her. She was at work all day and had given the nanny proper instructions on what had to be done....after she got home from work, she would spend quality time with her daughter...and help her in studies and play. When she had her second child, she had a nanny AND a relative to supervise the nanny (because the baby was too small and she couldn't trust the child with a total stranger). Again, after she got back home, she would spend time with the kids....she had a perfect balance and it wasn't like she didn't have the normal kid problems that all parents have....but she would work at it when she would spend time with them. The kids are both great kids and didn't lose out on anything and were just like our kids. So, I'm sure you can do it too if you want....and I can see that you will! Not all mothers stay home to take care of the kids even if they can afford to and not all stay-at-home moms are successful in bringing up well-balanced kids. It's all in your attitude whether you work or not. All the best!
1 person likes this
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
I am afraid I am not good in time management but I am trying my best to spend more and better time with my kids especially now that I am still here with them. Thanks for sharing!
@SViswan (12071)
• India
2 Feb 08
I'm glad that you are trying to spend time with your kids. And time management is something you will learn as you go along. We all learn things when we are a mom (especially a working mom) and so will you:)
@Putranda (129)
• Indonesia
1 Feb 08
i think my answer for your question is no at all!! why? because the most important job for a mother is to monitor the growing of their children, teach them to be a good child, serve her husband & love her family. commonly, the child who is lacking of love from his/her parents especially mother, will become a bad teen when he/she grew up because they lost a good model while his/her parents are working & they will get the substitute from the environment that sometimes is not good!
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31003)
• United States
1 Feb 08
And so what you are saying is the mom that HAS to work can't possibly be a good parent?? I strongly disagree with you on this one.
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
Are you talking from your own experience? I grew up with out my mom but I've lean to value her sacrifes. Almost all mom don't want to leave their if they are financialy able to provide their kids needs. In my case, I am living in a third world country and it would be better to leave my kids for a while to save for their future. I think, every little kid has their own way of perceiving things, so as mother, they have their way of reaching out to their children. Let me just ask you, did you grow up the best that you are that your mom expects you to be? or you grew up worse because you look after the wrong substiture as you call it?
@VanessaP (41)
31 Jan 08
Hi, I don't really have an answer as such to your question,so I am going to give you my opinion instead... I think that if you have the work/family balance right, then it shouldn't really matter if you are a working mother or not... BUT ... It really depends on what you want out of life... I am a 'stay at home' mum of 20 month old twins, and after my maternity leave, I decided to give up my job, as I had recently moved house and didn't want to leave my two babies with strangers for 12 hours a day... I would be lying if I said that it wasn't hard - because it has been, and when you have a house to run and children to look after, being on a budget can really leave you struggling... however.... I decided that I wanted to work from home and spend more time with my family, and also hopefully make a good income [eventually!] so that my family and I wouldn't need to worry about when our next payday would be. I came across an opportunity to have my own work from home business that would enable my to look after my children and still have the option of making a decent, if not amazing income as soon as I could establish myself. http://www.youvmeplay.org.uk Have a look at the website and look at the 5 minute movie. Please dont think that its another scam or get rich quick scheme, as it isn't... It is a established company with reall people behind it! it was a gift that was shared with me... and now I would like to extend that gift to you.... Hopefully it will help you to find an answer to your question!
1 person likes this
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
31 Jan 08
Thanks for your response...I decided then that working at home would be best so I could look after my family and work at the same time but now, serving two masters is bad, its not healthy for me because I get more stressed.
1 Feb 08
Tell me about it! That's why I left my other job after my maternity leave... too much stress and not enough money or time with my babies... Well if you want to look into youvmeplay at a later stage, I'll be happy to give you some more info... I'll let you know if I make my millions!
@jal1948 (1360)
• India
21 Feb 08
money is an important aspect in family life,you not always will get such oppurtinities, for well paying jobs, as you grow older there will always be someone younger to replace you,At the same time the child needs the mother at all times especially during the formative years, I Know its a hard decision to take but its your family you need to take some hard decisions.
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
23 Feb 08
I agree with you, that is why I am trying my very best to get a good job now and start saving for my babies future so that when the time comes that they badly need me and my help, I could easily be there and provide their needs.
@RUSHER02 (32)
• Philippines
2 Feb 08
yeah its possible but it'l be very hard!!!
1 person likes this
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
3 Feb 08
thanks!
• United States
2 Feb 08
My view on this discussion is you gotta do what you gotta do. Some people are just lucky to have a husband that makes a good income to where the mother can stay at home with her kids. I worked till my child was a month old and then stayed at home. I didnt wanna miss the first time she rolled over or the first time she took her first steps. We barely got by with just my husbands income. But now that she is 11 months and started walking already I have seen that first time she rolled over and those first steps and I feel I can go back to work.
1 person likes this
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
2 Feb 08
Thanks, I wish I could stay longer with my baby but I have to pursue first my plan in trying my luckin Singapore. I just hope I could get them there. I know that witnessing their firstsmile, first step, gfirst giggle can never be bought with any amount but what can I do when I can barely buy her a can of milk and maintain my medication as well. If I'd only rely from our parents' work and the money my partner gets from work,I'll be consumed with guilt and self-pity so i'd better do something.
@shrub62 (42)
1 Feb 08
Just my personal opinion. I would do anything to stay at home and raise my own children. I did work for about a year while my oldest was about 4 and I regreted it. I was too tired when I got home and still had things to do once home. Between cooking, cleaning, and working, my son did not get the attention he needed. Mind you, I had the best situation possible in that I moved a lady into my house to babysit while I was working. My child never left his home and had one babysitter the entire time. The last straw was when my son would get hurt and run to her for comfort. I quit working at that point as it became evident that he was beginning to look at her as a mother figure. A child is going to do that when another person spends more time with them than you. After quitting, I began babysitting others children so that I could stay home and raise my own child. I still babysit 14 years later and many of the children will follow me around like a puppy because they are starved for parental attention. When the parents get home they have to cook and clean and get them ready for bed. Where is the quality time with them. I am not saying that a child is not loved if the parents work but if you do make sure you spend quality time with them when you do get home. Save the cooking and cleaning for after they are in bed. You can cook after they go to bed also making things that you can just warm up in the microwave or make meals that you can put in a crock pot to have ready when you get home. Good luck with your decision.
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
As much as possible I don't wanna leave my kids too but I am not contented having no money on my own. I feel really bad everytime my daughter would ask for a burger from Mac donalds and I can't even afford it. I also want to look for a better opportunity abroad since they pay higher than here in the Philippines. I had worked parttime then but I was always stressed out because when i get home, I still have to do the cleaning, feeding my baby, cleaning the bottles, etc...
@ebsharer (5517)
• United States
1 Feb 08
I am a working mom and I think I'm still a good mom. My husband and I have worked it out that I work during the day and he works evenings. Our daughter is with his mom for about 2 hours a day which isn't bad. She loves going to grandmas and we are happy we can provide nice things for her because we both work. We don't get to see eachother that much but its whats best for her. Its not necessary how much time you spend with your kids but how much quality time you spend with them. If you work all the time and come home and watch tv with your kids your not really spending quality time with them but if you go home and do an art project with them and talk about there day and really are intrested then your spending the quality time with them they need and deserve.
1 person likes this
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
That's really nice of you...thanks for responding!
• Malaysia
1 Feb 08
i'm sure they'll understand you someday..but.. it's better if you can leave the kids with someone trustworthy.. i'm like your kid.. my mum left me and my brother with my grandparents when i was 8.. and i can tell you.. life is so difficult then.. when you want to see your parents.. you just couldn't find them.. by the way, my parents divorced when i was 8 too.. so.. i didn't really get a proper love from my parents.. and .. i'm seriously lack of it.. which i'm so afraid that someday i'll learn to be bad.. and be bad person.. you have to monitor consistently on your kids.. try to understand what they're thinking.. it's okie for you to go abroad.. but do keep in touch with them often.. you don't want them to end up like me.. i still could hardly let go that my mum actually remarried.. and now she has another 3 kids.. i'm grown up now.. so.. i guess it's okie =)
1 person likes this
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
of course! my mom has been working all her life for us. there was even a time when she was a single parent and had to earn extra for us. it sucked but then my mom was always there for us. not be physically. she supported our every endeavor. she never fails give us quality time even if it was very minimal. and during that quality time she let us be ourselves. i understand your situation and i feel for you. you just need to explain to your kids why you have to leave. but be sure to speak their language when u do so. don't give them reasons concerning money or anything a grown up would use to reason out. kids are kids. they won't understand that. they'll be more concerned about not having their mom around for a long time.
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
My mom is also not physically present but she is always there for us. I tried to explain to my 5-yr old daughter that I must leave so she can go to a larger school, like those where my tutees attend (private school with really big classrooms, almost complete facilities and a play pen for the preschoolers). Also, she looks forward in joining me in Singapore or at least visit me there. I can't think of other explanation that she would accept except those that would be a reward to her like seeing Sentosa and Singapore Zoo. I may sound a little bit boastful but that's the language my kid would understand. I tell also her to pray that I could get a good paying job so they could all join me there.
1 Feb 08
I think working Moms is down to each individual my daughter works and has a very high powered job. Sometimes staying away from her family she is lucky her husband is very supportive and they have a really good child minder. She would not be a better mother if she stayed home as she would feel un fulfilled the challenges and extra money her job brings are right for her. On the other hand my daughter in law is a stay at home Mom. She likes being home with her little boy my son said if that is what she wants he is quite happy for her to stay home.
1 person likes this
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
Thanks! As I always say, everything is relative...there is no absolute choice or decision that applies to all. The kids also adjust to things they experience so I am keeping my fingers crossed that two kids would soon understand why I have to leave and work. I can't deny that what I will is based only on my desire to provide them a good future but also for my own self-contentment that I can also do things on my own and that I can provide for my own family. Thanks again, your response helped me a lot.
• India
1 Feb 08
Hi Chryz..... this is the situation faced by all of the people in our society. u told that they are small kids this is the age they need love,care,protection but if u and ur life partner are busy with work they will feel lonely and think that see our mom and dad are not caring us, but on the other side you cant leave ur job and u cant leav ur kids in Play school or to anyone. So better avoid going job for atleast few months spend time with them and be and loving mom, later u can continue with ur job. I know u cannot quit the job but pls think this is the age for showering love and care on kids.
1 person likes this
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
I'll try that I have already booked my flight. Anyway, I chose Singapore over another opportunity in the States and in the Middle East because I could easily go back home from Singapore and there is a big chance that I could get them there. Thanks for responding!
@angel08 (120)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
Of course working mom can be a good mom, you're leaving because you want them to have a better future.just explain to your 2 girls. while you are still in the Phils. spend quality time with them.
1 person likes this
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
Thanks! I'll do that!
1 Feb 08
Being a working mom doesn't mean that you will just concentrate on your work all day. You can still be a devoted mom to your kids while work.
1 person likes this
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
thanks...
@sid556 (31003)
• United States
1 Feb 08
Well, I was a single mom and i raised 4 very wonderful girls and always worked. I did often 2nd guess myself and felt that I was missing so much not always being there. I know many moms that work and are great moms. Yes, it is possible to be a great mom and still work. In fact there are many positives in it. You are teaching your children by example the importance of working & independence. I think often times working women appreciate their time with the kids and the kids also appreciate the time. Fathers don't seem to harbor the same guilt that women do over this. I would not recomend travelling and working so much that your kids are literally being raised by others. No amount of money can possibly be worth that. Also time with your husband is also very important.
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
Thanks but what I'm really going onthe 19th because I need to find a job. I'm tired waiting for my in-laws and my mom finacial support. I could also work here but its barely enough. I have now two kids to support plus a medical conditions that needs long and expensive medication (I can still work, my endocrinologist made sure of that).
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
i believe that working mom are good moms... for one, we set the example for them on how to be self-sufficient, by showing our kids how hard it is to earn money so that we can provide our kids the best things in life... we also affirm to them the value of good education because we can set the example of finding good jobs when we have enough academic knowledge to back us up... we also teach our kids the value of time management, becuse we show them that we can serve inside and outside the home, and not make any one of them suffer...
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
Well said, thanks a lot...
@lorelai (1558)
• Italy
31 Jan 08
I think that she can. My mother was working and she was always my best friend when I was little and when I was young. I knew what I had too do around the house, she never cleaned my room, she never picked up my dirty clothes from my bedroom floor because I knew I had to do that, what was in the basket for the dirty clothes got washed what wasn't there didn't, she never had to go around the house asking us if we needed to have something washed. If everybody in the family knows what to do to help then a mother can have time for everything even if she is working. If your job is far away than tha's a complitly another thing. You just have to decide if you can or can't live without that better job you are talking about. maybe you can work there where you are now or take them with you.
1 person likes this
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
31 Jan 08
I believe every member of the family should learn how to be responsible in order for the mom to do her work better. Thanks for posting!
@34momma (13895)
• United States
31 Jan 08
Wow, this is a big one. your situation is different because you are going to be leaving your children behind to go to a different country for work. As a working mother myself i know how hard it is to work to take care of your family and the heart ache you feel for not being there the way you want to. but i am there. i put them to bed, i help with homework, and give baths. i don't know how you can be a mom if you are not even in the same home. please don't think i am coming down on you because i am not. what i think we need to do as parents is to make these kinds of choice for our children not despite them. in other words having two children you have to make sure you work a job that allows you to still be there for them
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
31 Jan 08
Thanks for your response...I'll gladly stay at home, as long as I know I can already provide my kids better things than what they have now.
@jenny12 (31)
• Canada
31 Jan 08
I dont see any reason why you cant be a good mom. Just because you are not there physically does not mean you are irresponsible. You just have to do it to give your family a better future.And besides i know life is hard in your home country.Almost every body does it. Just make sure you keep in touch with them every step of the way. Always make the communication line open. Im sure you will leave your kids to a trusted family member. I know its hard to leave your kids. Im a mom as well. My daughter is with me but when i leave her with her nanny its difficult for me. Dont worry you will be fine. It will all come to pass...take care
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
31 Jan 08
thanks a lot for the very encouraging response...even when I was working here are tutor, my heart cries leaving my kids behind. It's really hard when money is not enough but I know my kids will understand someday.