What do women think?

United States
January 31, 2008 9:21am CST
A man has recently left a relationship. Wife/girlfriend. Regardless of how the relationship ended it was traumatic. Once the pain of that loss has subsided, and for all of us time is not a true factor here even though perceived to be as we all are different, and he begins to look again. If he met you and were open about where he is, what has happened and admits it may take time to completely resolved his past, would you, if attracted begin seeing him? Now suppose he made it clear that you were not the only one he is seeing but, as with you, he is not seeking to be intimate with anyone and now, because of his past, is trying to find the woman who he has always dreamed of but never found. He feels in order to do this he must meet as many as possible to know if she even exists. Remember he is not telling you that you are the only one, he is not trying to make you believe he is ready for commitment but that he only wants someone to do things with and enjoy and perhaps one day when that right woman comes along, and in time that may be you, he will then be ready to love again. Given all this..would you continue to go out with him? Do you feel you could trust him because he has been so up front with you? Does your past make you believe something is not right here and/or would you consider this a waste of your time? Please consider this carefully before answering!
1 person likes this
7 responses
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
31 Jan 08
In fairness with the guy, he is brutally honestly to have admitted those things to the girl. If were the girl and I like or maybe I love the guy already, I would take my chance but I won't change just to suit his needs and preference. I guess, if I were to risk myself waiting for this guy to resolve his own conflicts, then I would do it with an open mind and heart - prepared to have him if he will love me as I am or to get hurt and set him free for he has found what he is looking for.
• United States
2 Feb 08
Good answer and thank you. I would not see him as looking to change anyone. Only perhaps looking for the one that is already what he is looking for. He may have conflicts but with his openness and honesty he is prepared to loose if it must be. Why? Becasue his past dictates that he does it right this time. And he does have well planted in him what that means.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
31 Jan 08
This is an extremely loaded discussion, but I will be careful to answer and will do my best to give a helpful response. This is a very interesting topic! If the guy had just broken off a serious relationship, there are many ways things could go. If I were attracted to him and he were attracted to me, I would assume just the two of us could date for a while. He would then find out whether or not I would be "the one." I don't believe a guy should see a bunch of women at once even if it's not a serious relationship between any of them. The reason I think this is because of the honesty factor. None of the women would feel they could trust him and thoughts of those "other women" would always be going through their minds when they were with him. It would be like a competition between the women whether they actually knew each other or not. (Have you ever watched the shows "The Bachellor" and "The Bachellorette"? That's what this discussion reminds me of.) I suppose this is just the way women work. If they know there are other women involved, they will do whatever they have to do to "win" the guy even if they wouldn't be compatible with the guy! They wouldn't be themselves, which is the most important thing the guy would want to figure out. It would turn out to be a huge cat fight no matter what the guy's intentions were. Women are just that way. I know the guy has good intentions of meeting several women at once and getting to know them to see what he likes and what he doesn't like, but the women wouldn't be able to handle that, even given the fact he has already told them about the other women. That's the way I see it anyway. Great discussion and probably one of the most interesting yet!
• United States
2 Feb 08
I like your answer but before I comment..please tell me why you think this question is loaded.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
2 Feb 08
Hi, J. That's an awesome question I'd be glad to answer (and I'm very much looking forward to your comment). I believe this to be a "loaded" discussion for a couple reasons. First of all, it took some thought on my part to be able to respond to your discussion. That's always a good sign. (LOL) Also, your discussion posed a hypothetical situation, which could be answered and/or resolved in one of many ways. There are many branches one could take in answering such a deep thought. I'm glad you posted this because even after I responded to it, I was still thinking about it quite a while after. It came up in my thoughts today also. I hope you will find it satisfactory as well as helpful. By the way, if you ever want to get inside a woman's head, so to speak, I'm here to help you out! (LOL) Take care and thanks so much for your interest in my response. Looking forward to your reply! :)
@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
7 Apr 08
All I can say is...WOW!!! Yours was an amazing comment for an amazing discussion. I had no idea this was such a "loaded" discussion. (LOL) It's definitely a good one! Not only was I notified when you left your comment, but I also want to sincerely thank you for best response. If I'm being honest with you and with myself, however, best response isn't the best part about this discussion for me. It was my ability to help a friend in need. You have no idea the excitement that I felt when I read that you've found a woman of your dreams even after your former wife passed away last year. I'm so happy to hear you two will be married! If I might encourage you having read and learned of your situation, my grandpa experienced (and is experiencing) the same situation as you. His wife, my grandma, passed away last May, almost a year ago now. My grandpa became interested in my grandma's sister around Thanksgiving or shortly before. That's about six months of healing before he started looking. That's the same time frame you experienced before you decided to pursue another relationship, I believe. That's amazing! I think six months is a wonderful time period and definitely enough time for a person to heal. I can't tell you how much your comment means to me! Congratulations to you and your wife-to-be. Wonders never cease, do they? May you both be happy and blessed. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to participate in such an important discussion. I'm so glad everything worked out for you. Once again, I feel so honored to have participated in such a wonderful discussion. Take care, my friend!
@polachicago (19073)
• United States
1 Feb 08
I know when people are in search and I stay away from man "in search". Man searching for woman is like someone in chocolate shop. They want to taste too much. I believe in friendship, not broken promises and guy who doesn't know what he wants. My girlfriend told me a lot about those guys, because she is "in search" for last 5 years. Most guys after broken relationship are looking for Miss America who is able to fall in love and have kids...
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Feb 08
I am uncertain why searching for Miss America to have children with is a bad thing. If you are saying there is no such thing and so no women would ever meet his criteria I could understand that but what if, despite his "search", he is only looking for the woman that he can fall in love with? If you stay away from men who are searching, regardless of there past, you eliminate almost all single men. And of course some that are not single. So given what I have said, that he will not become intimately evolved with anyone until he is sure she is for him, why then would you discount him based only on the fact he is searching? Pola I have seen many of your questions and responses and I respect your intelligence greatly. You are clearly a very bright woman. Would you consider dating this man under any condition?
@polachicago (19073)
• United States
2 Feb 08
Sad to say, some woman have no pride and they do what they don't want to do. I am very demanding. I don't compromise my own freedom and space. It is hard to answer your question. Friendship and love is based on chemistry, we can debate forever, but in real life thing go its own way...
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Feb 08
Thank you for your comment.
@pheebsy (21)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
ok first of all, i'woul just like to share that a similar situation has already happened to me. Actually i am the kind of girl who is drawn to men who come from long-term relationships.The reason behind it, I already know but let us get to the real issue, I'll be adressing this to you for convenience. First of all you have got to know what you want to happen. Set aside your feelings because sometimes they blur your mind. Visualize the consequences. For example, given the situation...are you willing to swallow your ego, and love unconditionally that it's ok if you are hurt what is important is the guy is ok, happy with you. Or...simply let it go and know your worth from his point of view. He has initially known you maybe as a very good friend that being honest with you and being secure with you is his primary effort for you.You know everything happens for a reason, always remember that a person is present in your life because you have to learn something from him or her.Now the question is:would you gamble on the relationship - win or lose there is a lesson..or let it go, avoid the circumstances and maybe later on regret.Thinl about it and do something.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Feb 08
I may misunderstand what you say here but if you as a woman fall in love with this man are you saying that regardless of where he is, regardless of the fact he may be seeing other woman and really not ready for a relationship, that you would pursue him and open your self to being hurt simply because you are attracted to him? Or are you saying that because he seems attracted to you that regardless of how you feel you need to protect his feelings? I am sorry..perhaps I do not follow you very well. Most assuredly there is a lesson to be learned from everyone we meet. But what we do with that lesson then is all important. In this case the man is not seeking to hurt anyone. He has been hurt enough and knows very well what that is. But yet he is ready to move on and find what he hopes will be the love of his life. But I defy you to find anyone who truly knows what that is until they meet and his perspective is you may never find her one at a time. What do you say?
• Philippines
3 Feb 08
well i guess, as what usually happens my message maybe is taken on a different wavelength. First of all, as i see the issue or let us say the situation, coming from the point of view of the girl...what is happening is not only attraction. The fact that this has caused a dilemma for "her" means there is something more than attraction. It is either infatuation or love.Going through the pains is the downside of love but the proof of its genuinity. What i am trying to say is that, in cases such as this, there is a decision to be made - to gamble or not, risk or no risk.The guy is ready to move on but is not yet ready to commit - if you know where he is coming from, i bet you understand him. Pursuing him is giving him a chance to know your worth, to know if he is able to feel deeper for you..at the same time, following your heart but knowing until where you should follow. Not pursuing is following your mind and your ego, with this, you should be able to know how to adjust yourself to the pains of deciding to let go. We all know this is a case to case basis.But there is one general thing about guys coming from a long-term relationship - even if they fall for someone, they are still capable of hurting because they can't just easily fall down their guards. Can you answer this question for me? What exactly do you want to happen? If you can answer this without a thought or two, make it happen. Otherwise, whatever we are talking about now --- it is not for you to stick with.Just a share of thought..
• United States
1 Feb 08
Ok at first when i was reading it i thought immediatly no and would run in the other direction but the more i thought yeah i would see him again. It would be nice that he is being completly honest. I would date him a couple more times then i would ask him if he feels any connection and evaluate if i have a connection and take it from there. Atleast we are both going in as an open book and there isn't any secrets.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Feb 08
Thank You! All answers so far are great but you have reached beyond the immediate and held yourself to be honest with him. This is what he is looking for. If jealously would play a part in the relationship this may very well scare him off. If after that time of evaluation both would know it is either good or not and to move on and there would be no ambiguity in either. And the most important part would be your considering the relationship based only upon the two of you. A man, who tries his best to be honest regardless of the cost, is not looking to deceive anyone but only looking for another honest person that would meet him half way. This you would do. Great answer...thank you.
• China
1 Feb 08
Once i heard that :" a man loves a women because for that moment she was the most beautiful, but will this continue , depends on how much you two put into this love." so a good love , i think , is based on the effort of the 2!!
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• United States
2 Feb 08
Hmmmmm....Okay. Thank you for your response.
@palonghorn (5485)
• United States
31 Jan 08
It would all depend on what I was looking for, if like him I'm only looking for someone to be friends with, go out with as a friend and spend time with then sure, I'd go out with him. If I was looking for more, and wanted to be the 'one and only' then no, I wouldn't go out with him, I might be friends with him but nothing more. And I would tell him that it would be nothing more than a friendship, no 'extras' included.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Feb 08
Great answer. This is all he would ask of anyone that they be straight forward with him. But suppose this man appeals to you greatly. Sure you may not be able to trust that he will feel the same for you but if he truly appeals to you and you are looking for a close relationship would he not be worth pursuing? You would indeed have to be guarded to protect yourself but in time he may see you the same. To have discounted him up front as a friend only because of your fears would cause you both to loose. What is your opinion on that?