Insecurity in relationships and myself

United States
February 2, 2008 7:00pm CST
I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend Mike. We have known each other for a long time so everything is going great except my insecurities. In my past relationships I have been cheated on, and that never made me feel good about myself. My self-esteem crashed and burned and now that is carrying onto my current relationship. I get jealous very easily seeing him talking to other women, and sometimes even put stories into my mind on if he might be talking to an ex or if he desires to be with another woman. I feel kind of crazy sometimes lol, but the jealousy is making me crazy. Because of all of these insecurities I feel like that will push him away but I don't know how to stop. I hope I'm not alone in feeling like this, anyone else have these kind of expierences? Thanks in advance.
5 people like this
8 responses
@katkah (235)
• United States
3 Feb 08
Everyone has emotional scars from their past, and everyone who's had past relationships has something negative they carry from it or it wouldn't be a past relationship... I've had to deal with my insecurites too. I was also cheated on, and worse, my ex was an emotionally and verbally abusive person toward me which knocked my self esteem way down in the dumps. I was so convinced that I would never find anyone to accept me because of what he told me that I stayed- big power trip on his part. When I finally got the nerve to get out of that horrid relationship I had to try to undo the damage he caused. Step 1- Love yourself. You need to look at you and see what is good about you & what you have to offer. Don't go throwing it up in your man's face if you are out and see a pretty girl like "Phhh, I have a way better butt than her." (you can think it, just don't say it.) Build up your confidence seperate from what he tells you. Step 2- Talk to him about any past issues that HE may have been through. Say you were hurt before and ask him if he has ever been hurt. Opening up that converstaion could be healing for both of you. Just try not to toss in the whole "you'ld never do that to me would you?" Step 3- Appreciate what you have. Look for the good and focus on that. If your insecurities start to creep up push them aside and think about things he has done for you that support the opposite of your negative thoughts. Step 4- Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Learn from your past mistakes and don't make them again. Not that being cheated on was your fault, just be confident in yourself that you deserve respect and know that you are worthy of all the love your boyfriend is trying to give you. I could go on forever, but hopefully this helps some.
2 people like this
@lilaclady (28238)
• Australia
3 Feb 08
This is something that happens to you once you have been cheated on, you lose something so very important...trust and in most cases you never get it back, i think even the most confident people feel a little insecure when they love someone this is also a state that love puts you in and the fact that no-one really knows what the other person is all about, well not 100%, humans are so complicated but once you have been cheated on you know very well that it is really possible for anyone to do that again...its horrible, people just don't know what they are actually doing to people long term when they cheat on them...I hope you overcome it, for your own sake but it is not easy, I know...
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
3 Feb 08
For me trust is omething that is earned. In my case, I have total access wh my partner's cellphone and emails. He is shy and rarely talk with other women but she keeps female friends too but I stopped getting jealouve having proven that they are of no threat to out relationship. I guess you have to learn to be a little confident of yourself. You might be cheated then you cannot deny the fact that these men desired and loved you too for they courted you and you've been in a relationhip for several months. Perhaps, something wnet wrong in the relationship that made them sheat. Yousaid that you might be driving your partner into doing it oo because you keep on suspecting that he might do it. If he can talk to other women casually, then I don't think something is wrong. It's better that he can talk to anyone even when you are with him than he would try to hide from you his conversations with other women.
• United States
3 Feb 08
You need to concentrate on yourself. Do you work? Then dive into your work and it will help with your self-esteem and further your carreer. Do you go to school? Study like you have never studied before and put your energy into yourself to invest in your future. The more you worry about you, the more he will think about you. Believe me, if you are confident, that will make you more attractive to him and many others as well.
@tigerdragon (4297)
• Philippines
3 Feb 08
i am in the same situation, it's my girfriend whom i am living with currently. jealousy won't lead you nowhere because it is making us deprived of so many things like freedom to openly mingle and socialize with other people. I always remind my girlfriend about trust and whenever she feels jealous, all hell break loose and it is driving me nuts and at times i feel that it is not worth it anymore because there is no emotional and moral support, she always wants me to let her know where i am and and where i am and whom i am with. i feel like being strangled and i do not like it. that is wrong jealousy because nothing is happenning and you are the only one creating these wierd ideas in your mind until it becomes a reality in your part. this would destroy you and your relationship with him and believe me once he gets really annoyed , you will loose him. give him the benefit of that trust.
@MAAluv (39)
• United States
4 Mar 08
thanks so much for your reply. i posted this w/ out even proof reading it. ive jst been driving myself insane w/ the thought. i appreciate your advice, coming from a man, it means a little...more...take care!
• Philippines
5 Mar 08
anytime my dear.just pm me if you have any questions in mind and i am willing to help.
• United States
3 Feb 08
Keep telling yourself that he is not the man that cheated on you.If you can trust him you have no worries.
@bfarrier1 (2082)
• United States
3 Feb 08
There is no room in a relationship for jealousy at least that is what I was once told.You can't take past relationships with you in this new one,he is not the guy who cheated on you. Maybe get a self help book to get your self-esteem built back up and help with your insecurities. Good luck!
• United States
3 Feb 08
I think I am worse than you are. I have so many resons to be this way as well. After the trust of a person is broken it's had to give it again. Your living in the past and need to move forward. I left my high school love after finding a picture of him and another woman on Valentines day. That day he was on the phone with me. telling me all the ways he loved and missed me. He was with a local woman that night. I never told him why I left him I just left. Now over 15 years later we are back to talking But,I had to tell him why I left. Do Yourself a favor and do as the first poster said. Try focusing on your best interests. Don't put all your concerns on to him. He is going to live his life weather you do or not.