another baby... scary!

February 19, 2008 6:59am CST
hi guys, i am a mother of a lovely (but hard work) son of 9, and now my partner and i are trying to have a baby, as much as i love my son and i think i would cope just fine with another child, the problem i feel i may have to face, is my son not coping with a baby around all the time. he is a great kid in many ways, but loves being an only child, and is typical of only children in many ways, for almost 10 years he has had me to himself, and knows that my attention is his and only his when we are together, so obviously throwing a baby into the mix would upturn that completely. however, he can display that he can share me with other children as i often have my neice and nephew over when my sister needs us to babysit (though they are a little older than him and he finds it nice to have someone to play) he also does pretty well when i have to look after my god daughters (ages 1 and 3) he loves keeping them ammused while they are here, but he hated them as little babies (but babies don't really do much, so in his mind they are boring and a bit pointless lol). my major concern here is, will my son feel left out if i have another child now? he will be 10 in august, and that to me is a very big age gap for siblings... i was the 3rd child out of 6, us 3 oldest are 2 years apart from each other, so there was no problems, but when my mum had my younger brother i had issues with him (he is 8 years younger than me) do you think my son will have similar issues to what i had? anyone who has dealt with similar situations, i would be pleased with your feed back :)
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8 responses
@lilybug (21148)
• United States
19 Feb 08
My son is 7 years older than my daughter. They are now 1 and 8. For the most part they get along great. He does get a little annoyed with her when she is messing with him when he is trying to play on his PS@, but other than that they get along great. It may change when they get a little bit older.
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@gemini_rose (16193)
19 Feb 08
My son was just coming up to 9 when I had my second child, he was not only an only child but he had also been brought up just by me until he was 7. I had the same thoughts and feelings about him that you are having about yours, but you know they can surprise you. My son wasnt fond of little babies either, but with his little brother he was totally different he wouldnt ask to hold him but I always made sure I offered him a hold and he loved it. He will feel a bit put out at first, its only natural when they have had your undivided attention for so long, but as long as he is included in everything and made to feel a part of it then he should be fine, just keep talking to him and ask his opinion about things, thats what I did. Trust me the age difference is no matter, My eldest is 16 now and the next one down 7, and they get on well but also can fight like cat and dog, you honestly wouldnt think that there was 9 years age difference between them!
19 Feb 08
thanks for the response, we have discussed me having another child, and so far he tells me he isn't bothered, but knowing how i felt when my younger brother arrived in comparison to how i felt when my mum was pregnant, i still get a little worried how he will react. i will always do my best to keep him involved, but i just worry that he will think i don't love him as much with a new baby to love too.
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@uath13 (8207)
• United States
19 Feb 08
It really depends on the kid. With that much of an age difference he'll probably find his sibling an annoyance like my oldest does. She still loves her, but the youngest wants to cling to her sister which annoys her.
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@Darkwing (21588)
19 Feb 08
I think you're dwelling too much on the negatives instead of the positives. I think you should sit down and talk with him and find out how he feels about it first, and whether he would like to help out with his baby sibling when it's born. That way, he'll learn how much attention the baby needs, and I think it bonds them, at the same time. Involve him in bath time, and feeding time, as well as nappy changing... make him feel needed in other words, despite there being a new, demanding baby in the family. I think your issues with your brother are perhaps a little different, as he was the only boy from the sounds of it, and perhaps doted on a little more, so you missed the attention you'd had previously. I might be wrong in assuming that, but I still think your key is to involve your son in as much of the babycare duties as possible. Let him hold and feed the baby, and form a cuddling bond with it. I'm sure he'll accept it readily then. You don't have to take all the attention away from him because babies sleep a lot and you'll still have quality time. Brightest Blessings and good luck with this one.
21 Feb 08
I have discussed it with my son here and there, some days he thinks it would be a good thing, other days he thinks it would be a bad thing. My personaly experience when my brother was born was not because he was a boy, i have an older brother too. my sister is 4 years older, then my brother is 2 years older than me, then i was born, then 8 years later my younger brother was born, after that my 2 younger sisters are 12 and 13 years younger than me.
@Darkwing (21588)
21 Feb 08
I think then, that you really won't know his reaction until the baby is on its way, if you decide to go ahead. Then, perhaps it would be a good idea to let him feel your tummy and the life of the baby therein. It might help him to adjust?
@SukiSmiles (1998)
• United States
19 Feb 08
Being the older of two sisters 10 years apart, I can tell you I was not thrilled to suddenly have a little sister. I will tell you that I love my sister and she taught me things on how to share and be more patient (I was the only child/grandchild/niece, etc. until she was born). So, I was quite spoiled. (Still am. lol) But I did have a hard time. But I think that's because of my parents. I am not saying they did anything wrong, but a different parenting style. My mom had to have tea and sugar cinnamon toast everyone morning before she got out of bed. And I had to get it for her and if I spilled any of the tea in the saucer I was in trouble. (Remember I was 9 and not very coordinated - I got in trouble a lot.) I also ended up watching my sister and taking care of her during school breaks - it seemed that she was always with me. I was just glad to have disposable diapers, because I did that too. Had to share my room with her because we lived in a two bedroom. So, unfortunately, I saw her as a pain until I went away to college and until she graduated from high school. We are much closer now than we ever were growing up. I think if you include your son in fun things with getting ready for the baby and show him how much you still love him. You'll be fine. Besides he has also had contact with other kids and babies close to him. To me it was all a big mystery. To explain why I was having a baby sister, I was given a book to read and that was it. So, if you're open and loving about it, it should be fine. It wasn't until I was older that I realized how much my little sister loved me and wanted to be like me - of course, I didn't want any of that when I was a teenager, I was so set on being an "individual". It turns out that she was always upset because family, friends and even teachers would call her by my name (we look a lot alike). Now I tell her that she is getting paid back because I will call my daughter by her name quite a bit. So, it was hard for her too and I didn't know it until semi-recently. But we were both basically raised as only children because she was 7 years old when I went off to college and never moved back home. The funny thing is now my kids are 8 and 10 - soon to be 9 and 11 and they keep asking for a baby brother or sister - go figure! And don't get me wrong, I think that the older children should help, just not be the parent. Gee, I don't think I've ever written so much in a response before, I guess this is a big topic for me.
19 Feb 08
hi thanks for the input, you seem to have had a pretty bad time having a sibling so much younger than you, but it doesn't seem to have put you off your sister now you are both older and not living together. i will certainly not expect my son to look after any children i might have in the future, as it's not something i believe in. sharing a room i am afraid is sometimes just the way it has to be, i shared a room with my older sister until she left home (she is 4 years older than me) and we both hated it, she is overly tidy and i was terribly messy! as i got older, we got worse with each other, but she left home at 16 so now we get on fine, but it didn't mean i got a room to myself, my mum went on to have my 2 younger sisters after she had my brother, they are 12 and 13 years younger than me. though i shared a room with one of them for a while, i spent very little time around them and they just never bothered me. (i suppose after the shock of my brother, having more kids around didn't bother me).
• United States
19 Feb 08
I think that some of my bad time was self induced. I was very self centered. I credit my sister (now, of course, not back then) for helping me become a better person, for learning to care about someone else. Thanks for writing back!
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@subha12 (18453)
• India
20 Feb 08
I understand your concern. May be ideal situation would have been if you would have tried for a baby earlier, say when he was 4-5 yrs. Greater the age difference, more the problem with accepting a new born sibling as by that time the sense of attention and all come. Make him understand taht he will remain equally inportant to you and letbhim take some responsibilioty when the child arrives.
21 Feb 08
it would have been ideal to consider having more children when he was younger, but i was not personally ready for more children then. i was 18 when i had my son, and in some peoples view too young really. i was not mentally ready for more children then, whereas now i feel more able to handle 2 children.
• Philippines
20 Feb 08
surely your son will feel left out. most kids feel that way whenever a newborn arrives, but of course it all depends in you and your partner. make your kid a part of everything. like ask his opinion as to what clothes to buy for the baby or what name to give the baby. by making him a part of things would surely not make him left out. he would feel that he plays an important role in raising his sibling.
• Romania
19 Feb 08
hi