Why Don't Working Husbands Understand the Plight of the Stay-Home Mom?

United States
February 22, 2008 10:30am CST
Why don't working husbands understand the plight of the stay-home mom? He leaves the house. He doesn't have to deal with the nuclear meltdowns that occur when shoes untie themselves or the DVD player stops or the cookie crumbs fall. He doesn't have to deal with potty-training. He doesn't have to deal with the mysterious other-room THUNK, accompanied by a wail while he's washing dishes. He doesn't wash the dishes or the laundry. He doesn't clean the bathrooms. He doesn't pick up the same 12 toys 700 times a day. He doesn't pick up the dog poop out of the living room floor. He doesn't take out the trash, except when it's beyond overflowing and I'm elbow-deep in bathing a wriggling 2 year old. He doesn't deal with any of the day-to-day crises that come with running a household. He just goes to work, brings home a paycheck that I pay the bills with, deals with jerkwads at work, and when he has a bad day, sheesh, I have to deal with that too. Nevermind that I cleaned up six puddles and 90 piles of poop today. Nevermind that the house was trashed when he left and it's spotless now. No. The muddy boots do not go in the freshly-mopped floor. No. If the dogs are not outside, they need to be in their crates while we eat dinner because I mopped in there today, too. No. I cleaned this entire house today, and you are a bit cranky and want to throw a fit? I'm still wearing the shirt I slept in with my blue jeans, haven't had any of the coffee I brewed at 7:30 this morning (and the coffeemaker's still on), been needing a cigarette and a pee break for the past six hours, and you want to throw a fit because the mop bucket is still draining into the toilet?! I DON'T THINK SO, BUDDY! The mop bucket is still there because I haven't had a chance to move it with everything else I've had to do today, AND I mopped the whole house today, and it was still wet when I left to go get YOUR son (my stepson) from school. Why don't working husbands understand the plight of the stay-home mom? Just because I've had clinical depression since I was 17 doesn't make me "crazy". Just because I need a break now, even though you just got off work, doesn't mean I'm "abandoning" you and the kids. It means I'm walking down to the creek, staying 5 minutes, and walking back. When I tell you where I'm going and that I'll be back in 15 minutes, it doesn't mean I'm leaving forever. You can handle the kids. You knocked me up. I carried him. I care for both of them all day long. You can do it for 15 minutes. But apparently not. Maybe one day, but that day isn't today. For now, I just imagine kicking him in the shins and running like h*ll, and keep on keeping on. It helps keep me sane! *^_^* And for the record, I love my husband very much. I, like most wives, just get extremely irritated with his thoughtlessness. Why are some men like that? ARGH!
4 people like this
10 responses
@ersmommy1 (12605)
• United States
23 Feb 08
Been there! Am there! Did that, do that, will do it again tomorrow. Plus have a part time job working from home that I was lucky enough to find. I understand. But I guess I am lucky. My husband More than has begun to understand. He now tells me (once in a while) that he appreciates what I do. That I do alot. That he couldn't do all of that and run this family alone. So it helps to feel (sometimes) appreciated. I don't know why men are like this. But they are. And we love them. And at some point you may get a surprise and your hubby will throw the sheets in the washing machine. Mine just did! Hang in there. You are not alone.
2 people like this
• United States
26 Feb 08
Thank you. It helps to be told "you are not alone" from time to time. I'm glad your hubby washed your sheets, that's so cool. Thank you for your post!
@bcote212 (1113)
• United States
22 Feb 08
I know that we as men sometimes underappreciate what are mates do while we are not around. I work very hard, and my partner stayes at home. And there are times that during arguments I complain and tell him "you dont do anything but sit around in front of the TV all day!" I know that it is not true. We as men really need to learn how to appreciate our mates. The floors dont clean themselves. The clothes dont wash themselves, and food does not mysteriously appear when i get home from work. Thank you for this discussion. I hope that you open a few eyes. :)
2 people like this
• United States
22 Feb 08
AWW! Thank you! That's so sweet! I'm glad that at least one person is appreciative after all! Thank you so much for your lovely post!
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16243)
• United States
23 Feb 08
My husband understands what is involved in being a stay at home mom and does appreciate what I do for our family, however it's not important in his eyes when it comes to providing bread and butter for the family. Just because I don't earn a paycheck it's not important in his eyes what I do to keep this family together. Bringing in $$ is what is important to him so that makes his job more important than mine and believe you me we have had many arguements over this.
• United States
23 Feb 08
AMEN! And don't those fights make you want to smack him? Thank you for posting!
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16243)
• United States
23 Feb 08
More than just a slap upside the head LOL
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Feb 08
I think you are married to my b/h!!! I could be your twin! By the way, does your b/h gripe about your smoking? Mine does, it "smothers" him, even though I don't smoke inside the home. AND you mentioned clinical depression; do you take medication for it? I have anxiety attacks and take medication. He doesn't approve of my med and has told me to quit taking it, it's bad for me. BUT he takes Zoloft. Go figure! I love my b/h too, but do you often find yourself walking on eggshells the minutes before he comes home because you (like myself) don't know what kind of day or attitude he's going to be in?
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Feb 08
No, he doesn't gripe about my smoking--he better not, either, cause he dips snuff! Smoking might be gross, but dipping is revolting. Yes, I too take Zoloft for my depression. I go next week to find out if I have Bipolar II disorder, not just depression, and it REALLY twists my panties for him to tell me I'm "crazy". Yes, I also find myself walking on eggshells when he gets home, just cause I need to see what kind of mood he's in before I let him have it. If he's in a relative good mood, I keep my mouth shut. If he's already pissy, I let the fur fly! So sometimes, we have a few weeks where we are in perfect spirits with one another, and sometimes, we have several days where we could claw each others' eyes out and not even care. I guess they call that "marriage". *Sigh!*
@shineison (875)
• Uganda
22 Feb 08
So simple and so simple, ask them to stay at home and take care of home, and do all home actions. just in one day they will definitely recognize that its not their job, and they will admit Plight of the Stay-Home Mom. Just Give your man one day, he will find it out soon.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Feb 08
Lol, if only he would just agree to that, I'd snap it up in a heartbeat! Thanks for the post!
@joyce959 (1563)
• Philippines
22 Feb 08
The only time husband will realize the worth of the stay home mom/ wife is when he stay home himself attending to kids and doing the housechores himself while the wife do the job or work in office to earn a living (changing roles). He will also realize your worth, when in one or two days, you just don't do your housechores, let the dirt and litter here and there, the dirty clothes here and there, the shoes in every part of the house, the kids all by themselves and you just stay in bed or watch your favorite show. When he ask what happens, just tell him you just did not do what you are always doing in the house which he seems not to notice at all. I just remember an email and a discussion here before about the value of a woman / wife / mother.
• United States
22 Feb 08
He did the role reversal with his ex-wife, so he "knows exactly what can and can't be done in a day". And I've done the whole not-cleaning-up-anything-for-a-week, but all that happens is that I "prove his point", making the house reek, AND I still have to get it back in order myself. Ah, the sweet smell of rotting dishes, trash, grody floors, litterbox, unwashed dogs, laundry... Personally, I'd rather do it all myself in the first place and b*tch about it later. And if I should get paid minimally to do so, so much the better. It's just easier that way. *_
@p1kef1sh (45647)
22 Feb 08
But we still love you. I have things that I could advise your husband along the lines of weekends (weekdays are better) away. Pampering, spas, etc. A friend of our's husband used to pay for her and her girlfriend to go riding for a weekend. He took on the house etc. I say used because he was killed, but now we try to do the same for her so that at least occasionally she gets total "me" time.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Feb 08
That's so kind of you and your s/o to do that for your friend. Maybe you could kidnap my hubby and give him some lessons...? Lol, just kidding. Thanks for the post!
@kingcrapper (1538)
• United States
23 Feb 08
As a husband I can hear what you are saying. I took me a long time to begin to understand how women think. Can you imagine my surprise when I actually found out women think differently then men?!? It took a divorce to help me with that. I now have a new wife and a new attitude about an important concept called 'communication'. May I offer the idea of a date night (just you two together), a seriews called Light His/Her Fire (by Ellen Kreidman) and Men are From Mars/Women are from Venus? Stay calm. Pray. What are you doing now that helps you get through the day?
• United States
23 Feb 08
My husband used to be this way till I had enough one day and would not answer the kids, pick up a toy or wash a dish for a whole day at the end of the day he finally got a hint of what I do every day. He has since changed his tone and now ask what he can do to help me. sounds like you should give this a try.
1 person likes this
@ctrymuziklvr (11063)
• United States
22 Feb 08
Husbands/Dads never did and never will understand what it's like to be a sahm. I think you should tell him you need a whole day off like on a weekend day if he doesn't work and let him take care of the kids and see what it's like in your world when you're alone with them.