Do you OR do you not confide your marital problems to your parents and siblings?

Philippines
February 23, 2008 10:46am CST
Marriage can be a "bed of roses" for some but it can also be a "bed of roses but full of thorns" for others. I've been married for 6 years to a man who's not really good with revealing his emotions. And it can be a problem especially when we get into arguments. Instead of dealing with it and talk about it thoroughly, he would rather wait for the tension to fade between us and when all is clear, then we're back to our normal, daily lives. It works for him but not for me. Yes, the anger is gone but the problem is still there, unresolved. And when these unresolved problems pile up, they just pop out again when another argument happens. And frankly, I've had enough of trying to keep it all to myself. I've taken so many deep breaths, enough to make me faint!!! So, after two years of being silent about it, I've decided to confide little by little to my sisters and brother. And thankfully, they remained neutral. They are not biased at all because I'm their sister. Even when I've told them about my frustrations, instead of siding up with me, they instead advice me to try to understand my husband. Because he's had it rough growing up, maybe that's the reason that he has great difficulty revealing his heart to me. I knew it was a big risk when I made my choice to confide in them. Because there's the possibility that I may ruin my husband in my family's eyes. But that didn't happen. And you know what, I don't regret that decision I made four years ago. My siblings advices plus my mothers' have helped me cope with my husband's difficulty to deal with his emotions. I know and feel that he loves me but I guess I just need to live with the fact that he's closed as a clam when it comes to talking about his feelings. But a person close to me said that I should have kept silent about my marital problems. And I told her... either I be honest with my family or I end up in a mental institution or inside a coffin. The decision I made saved my sanity and my marriage. But that's because I was fortunate to have a family that tried to look at the problem in every angle. And for that, I will be forever grateful to them. Plus the fact that they still respect my husband no matter what.
11 people like this
31 responses
@Lakota12 (42681)
• United States
24 Feb 08
well for you it worked but with others it may not . I once said something in a letter to my mom and here years later found out she was afraid of my hubby. SHe thought if she came to visit that he would hurt her dont know where that came from I had just told her about a fight we had had years ago. then to find she was afaid of him I had to laugh for he would get upset because my family never came to visit me for years. oh they still dont if they came down they go to a motel! oh well thats me and mine . But I do think you did right for your sake hugs
2 people like this
• Philippines
1 Mar 08
hi Lakota. Sorry again. Took me a long time to get back to you. Now, your story was very interesting. Your mom did misunderstand your letter big time. I feel sorry for your husband though. It must have upset him so much to be thought of that way. I wonder why your family didn't try to clear things up before trying to avoid you for years. I'm sorry for you, too Lakota. I know that their actions must have hurt and upset you so much. Because if my family did that to me, I will be emotionally scarred. My family, especially my siblings are a very important part of my life, even if I have a family of my own. Thank you for thinking that I did the right thing.:)
@Lakota12 (42681)
• United States
1 Mar 08
your welcome. Nope he wasnt hurt I never told him never found this out till after he had passed away. SOme times my Brother or sister dont contact me when something is wrong with our mom. But I have a cousin he loves me lol he will call and tell me if he thinks I dont know it.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 Mar 08
Sorry again, Lakota. I don't respond right away when I'm not in the "right mood". I need to be sure that I know what I'm talking about. :) Thank you for that cousin of yours who believes that you have the right to know what's happening to your family, especially to your mom. I do hope that your siblings will see it that way, too.
@arkaf61 (10882)
• Canada
24 Feb 08
FOr years I kept silent, but the other way. I wouldn't tell my husband the way his parents were treating me. I didn't want to create problems between him and his parents and I didn't think I should talk about it. THat was a huge mistake. I also tend to keep things related to my marriage to myself, although I am being a bit more open in the last few years. I can't confide in his parents or sister - they would love to know when we have a problem - and I have nobody from my own family here. I never wanted to confide in my mom because most of the things were things that she had told me would happen and I didn't want to tell her how right she was. Plus any confiding would have to be done trough the phone and it's not the best way. But that changed a few years ago as well. I have been talking to my mom about some things. Not all. WIthout anyone from the family here, I am grateful that I have one of my best friends right here and that I can confide in her. One thing is for sure, I am not staying silent anymore. That doesn't mean that I talk about it to anyone, just that when I need to let something out, I will talk to my friend.
• Philippines
1 Mar 08
hi arkaf. I'm sorry that you don't have that smooth and close relationship with your in-laws. I just can imagine how hard it was for you not to say anything. And for years!You did put yourself at risk for trying to bottle everything in and still try to put on a happy face for your husband. But what matters most now is that you have come to realize that you can't keep everything to yourself. That you do need to reach out sometime. You're right though. It will be totally useless in confiding your problems to your in-laws. As what one responder have put it, it will only be giving them "ammo" to use against you. But then, things have changed for the better for you. I'm glad that you have decided to confide to your mom. She may tell you that she had been right all along but you're still her daughter and she will love you just the same. And most importantly, now she knows that there will be times that you will seek her advice and will need someone to listen. Goodluck with your in-laws, arkaf. Hope that someday they will realize what they are doing to you. They are not only hurting you, but they're also hurting their son.
1 person likes this
@arkaf61 (10882)
• Canada
1 Mar 08
I was young and naive I suppose :) I thought that it was important not to create problems between my husband and his parents because family harmony is important for me. But I had never experienced a family like his LOL Sometimes telling my mom something will only upset her, because she is so far away, That is the main reason why I sometimes don't say anything. There was only one time that I really confided on her because it was a very serious problem - and the week after she was on a plane to come here and stay with me, be there for me , but it's a long trip for her and ( bad both for her health and her pocket )so I keep the less serious things from her. But there was a time where I felt I was going crazy, that's when I realized I had to have someone to talk to. SOmeone I trusted and felt comfortable letting some thing off my chest. My friend has been there for me ever since - she was there even before, but I was so busy keeping things bottled up.. For years I really had nobody to in that sense, and it felt really lonely sometimes. I knew things would be very different because I had no family of my own here but always counted that my husband's family would be ... well my family. Sadly that didn't work. Actually it did in a way. Hubby's aunt welcomed me from the beginning and has at time be like my other mother, someone that treats me as a family member. I'm very grateful for that, and I love her dearly. I'm not sure my in laws will ever understand the full extent of what they did to me , they're too self centered to realize their effects on other people. But I learned not to really let them upset me anymore so that works fine for me:)
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 Mar 08
I understand your views on in-laws, arkaf. When I got married, I had the same thinking as yours. I was determined to make my relationship with my in-law work. It's like walking on eggshells. Every word or move that I say and do will have an effect on how my in-laws will see me. My in-laws are good to me and accepted me like their own daughter. But just the same, I'm still careful. I don't want to make problems between me and them. I would have done the same thing if I were in your shoes. Our pain becomes our mothers pain, too. And when they can't help us the way they want to, their helplessness adds to their pain. The first time I've decided to let my family know of my marital problems, it was my mother who was the last person to know. Except for my father, though who still has no knowledge of my problems. It was always my siblings who I have confided with. Knowing my mother, she will be a mother first, then try to be a mother-in-law the next. You're right.. . I've been to the "Lonely Lane" many times when I was still trying to hold back all my problems. And it seems no matter how hard you try to see things in a positive and cheerful way, sometimes it's useless. Because of all the problems we carry within us. It's good that there's still someone in your husband's family that welcomes you sincerely. At least you can comfort yourself with the fact that your aunt won't add to the heartaches that your in-law are giving you. Arkaf, that's the spirit!I have read in a discussion here that said, that the best revenge is showing those who hurt you that you have a positive and productive life ahead of you. Take care!
@maddysmommy (16233)
• United States
24 Feb 08
Well I did once and it backfired LOL I was venting to her one time about my husband being so lazy and when she visited us a year later, she had a go at him LMAO. He just sat there and stared at me and I was like, ummm very apologetic afterwards. I didn't expect that at all! I do confide in my twin sister though, she is my rock and keeps everything to herself. She doesn't take sides and just listens to what I have to say and offers advice.
• Philippines
1 Mar 08
I was trying to imagine the scene you have described, especially the look on your husband's face!lol! Talk about being caught off guard. :) Like you, I confide more with my two sisters as compared to my brother. Gender issues. But in fairness to him, he does keep an open mind when I ask him something. It does help a lot when the person you're confiding into, remains unbiased. That way, whatever advice they give will be very helpful to both you and your husband.
@Polly1 (12648)
• United States
24 Feb 08
What you just said about your family and husband brought a tear to my eye. Do you know how fortunate you are, you have a very special family. I have never confided any of my problems to my family, I would not want someone to think bad about my husband. He was a good man, (he passed away). I would talk to his daughter about certain things, that helped. I also have a best friend that I will talk to about stuff. We can say anything about our families, kids, spouses to each other and know that we won't think bad about them. No one wants someone to think bad about the person you love. We all have problems and we all need someone we can talk to. You are very blessed to be able to talk to your family.
2 people like this
• Philippines
1 Mar 08
hello polly. Thank you. I do feel very, very fortunate to have a family like them. They know that whatever they will think about my husband , be it a positive or a negative one, will have a big impact on me. They have accepted my husband as part of the family when I married him. What they do simply amazes me. They don't judge my husband and criticize him , even if they can see his faults. But they are always trying to understand why he did this or did that. And then they give me the advice that they think my relationship with my husband needs. You're absolutely right, Polly. No one wants someone to think bad about the people we love, especially our husbands. That's why I have carefully given thought about confiding some marital problems to my family. Trying to weigh the pros and cons. But what truly pushed me to take the big risk was, I know that my family won't give me more heartaches by putting "more wood to the raging fire". Because if they did that, they will only be helping me destroy my relationship with the man I have chosen to grow old with. I'm glad that you have a bestfriend to talk to when sometimes you just need to breathe a little easier. Take care Polly :)
• United States
23 Feb 08
I say as long as he is not around, because men feel like when you spill your emotions it is coming down on them. Make sure that the person you are confiding in keeps it just the way it started, between the two of you. But that could backfire later. For example: family bar-b-cue and an argument breaks out. You try to console someone and they tell you to mind your own business and take care of your own husband. Then you have a bigger problem, because now your business has spreaded like a diease. Just be careful as family do tend to talk about your problems to other members, without your knowledge.
2 people like this
• Philippines
1 Mar 08
Hi there PattyMelt. Thanks for the advice. My siblings, (2 sisters and brother) are my greatest confidants. I don't have to worry that they will tell anyone outside the family circle. As for my husband, he was aware that I have confided to my family. That was a year ago when our relationship was being tested at its worst. He tried to understand why I had to do it so I guess that's why, lately when we're having small arguments, he tries his best to not shut me off. I was trying to picture what you have said about men who feels that women's emotions are coming down on them. I was thinking of an "avalance" of a woman's emotions and the look on the husband's face as he faces them! Kind of funny. :)
@SViswan (12071)
• India
23 Feb 08
My husband was the same...and felt that ignoring the problems would drive it away. We had many big fights initially...and it was all about the same thing (the base was the same...but he would think of it as different issues). At first, I didn't tell anyone...but he would always run to his parents and when it got too much, I had to tell my parents...because I didn't want them knowing from my in-laws. My dad tried to help....because he could see where the problem was and it needed solving from my husband's family....but they didn't want to be bothered. I didn't want to tell my parents for the same reason as yours - I would be putting my husband down in my parents' eyes....especially my mother who could be harsh when she wanted to...and felt that her daughter was wronged. But luckily my dad was able to talk to the two of us as a neutral outsider....and it has actually helped my husband to open up a bit (if not to me...to my father...and in turn that has reduced his frustrations...because my father understood even if he didn't approve). I was also told by my parents that staying or leaving the marriage was my choice as an adult...and they would take me in if I chose to leave because I couldn't live with my husband. I chose to stay and they have supported me in that decision. I don't confide in them anymore because what we have are small problems that we solve ourselves and don't want to drag our family into.
2 people like this
• Philippines
1 Mar 08
Hello SViswan. I'm sorry if it took me days to get back to you. Why does marriage life has to be difficult? But then, without those arguments, there won't be any reconciliation. And I believe that's what makes a husband and wife much more closer. It's a good thing that your husband can open up to your father. It only shows that they have a comfortable relationship. Your mother is like my mom in some ways. She's like a "mother bear" when it comes to her children. But she does try to not say anything in the moment of her anger. Because she knows that she won't be able to take her words back. I think that's the way with mothers and daughters..:) I agree with you that with small problems, it can be solved between you and your husband. My husband still won't really open up to me but at least he's trying. And that's what matters. I hope that whatever future hurdles you and your husband may face, both of you can pass all of it. And still stay strong. Take care.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
23 Feb 08
I don't really have a family I would confide anything to, so I guess it's different for me. There isn't anyone in my family that doesn't act in ways that are harmful to me, so confessing my marital problems to them would just be giving them more ammo to use against me. The other problem with talking about marital problems to my family is that they already dislike my husband, so it would just make that situation worse. If I had a loving and supportive family, I would probably confide in them about such things, but as it is, I save it for my therapist.
2 people like this
• Philippines
23 Feb 08
I'm sorry that things between you and your family are not that good, lecanis. My father doesn't know that sometimes my husband and I are having problems. I prefer that he knows nothing, for my husband's sake. You see, he's the type of man who never forgets. For one thing, my father never forgets my brother-in-law's not-so-good past. Even if my brother-in-law's trying his best to prove that he's a good husband. So, because of that, my sister doesn't say anything to our father when she's having some problems with her husband. She has us, her two sisters for that.:) Kind of like not putting more salt to the wound... From what I remember in what you have shared in my past discussion, you have a wonderful family of your own. Blessings in the form of your husband and child. I'm hoping that whatever problems come between you and your husband, will eventually be resolved. And I'm hoping that unlike my husband, somehow you can talk to yours. But as you have said, too. You have found your family in your friends and their children. If you can't confide with your other family, you have your friends.:)
2 people like this
@HACOCO (23)
• Nigeria
23 Feb 08
I am glad you know at the back of your mind that it is a great risk you took but hey,what they heck you have too save your head like you said so you dont end up in the coffin someday, im am in support of that... AM GOING TO SAY THIS DO NOT ADVICE ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS TO DO THE SAME WHEN FACED WITH A SITUATION LIKE YOURS IT WORKED FOR YOU I BET IT WONT,FOR A THOUSAND OF YOUR KIND.
2 people like this
• Philippines
23 Feb 08
Don't worry, HACOCO. :) I know what helped me may not work for others. Totally depends on how their problems will be accepted by their family. As I've said, I am fortunate to have confided on neutral ears, even if they are family.
1 person likes this
@ledouxs (64)
• Canada
23 Feb 08
to confide in your family is a good thing if you can do it while you are alone and not with your spouse around. What I mean by this is my fiance and I will be in an argument and calls his parents up whining to them about our problems and then hands me the phone and says they think you need to grow up. I get on the phone and the tell me why don't you come here for a while let him cool off. They do not agree with there son in most cases but they hate when they put them in the middle of something so stupid and expect them to take sides. So do it on your own time you should be able to talk to someone if your husband won't help you deal with your issues everybody has there own way of dealing with things there is no wrong or right way just your way.... I hoped my ramble helped a little
• Philippines
23 Feb 08
I don't dare do that to him, ledouxs. Not only will I embarass him so much infront of my family, but I may push him into hating me. It's a good thing that your future in-laws DO SEE what's really wrong. That's a very good sign of a harmonious relationship between them and you. :) Thank you for your advice. I still open up to my siblings especially my two sisters when I'm almost choked up with my emotions. Helps me a lot to breathe easier.
1 person likes this
@balasri (26549)
• India
24 Feb 08
No.I never confide my marital problem with anybody for any reason under the sun.It is very very personal which should be sorted out among the husband and wife only.Confiding in others will aggravate the problem.And touch wood I don't have any such problem of my own so far.
1 person likes this
@BYOLA2871 (4373)
• South Africa
24 Feb 08
i really dont agree with you about just kkeping everything bottled up in ourselves the day the bottle will burst it may become a forever problem,though we must be careful the kind of people we discuss with in my case i am blessed with a wonderful elder brother and a great junior sister who have been of great assistance when it comes to such matters .a problem shared with the right person is almost solved
1 person likes this
@balasri (26549)
• India
24 Feb 08
Come on Byola it is a matter of convenient, choice and opinion. Isn’t it?I am happy that you have a wonderful brother to confide. Best wishes.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 Mar 08
Hello bala. Sorry it took me a long time to get back to you. I understand why you feel that way. What have worked for me, I strongly believe, may not work for other couples. You have the same view as my husband. He told me that whatever problems we may have, should only be discussed between us and must remain between us. BUT!!! The problem is, he refuses to sit and talk about it with me. So, I really have no choice. I'm not that kind of person who will just keep silent but always hurting inside. I grew up in a close-knit family where all negative emotions were always dealt with. Honestly, I'm a very, very positive person when I was still not married. I was always cheerful and seldom frown or get mad easily. My patience was thousand miles long. :)Because I can talk about what I was feeling. I never allowed bad emotions ruin who I was. But it changed when I entered marriage life. It's not that I tell my siblings everything under the sun. I do keep the very private problems between me and my husband. I just confide with my family the problems that I believe will help me and my relationship with my husband. But I'm happy for you, bala. :) Things are sailing smoothly between you and your wife.
@cdparazo (5768)
• Philippines
24 Feb 08
I so know what you are going through because I had gone through the same thing. It felt like I was banging my head into the wall and still nothing happens. It was so frustrating for me and I had it all for 4 years until I couldn't take anymore and told my family. But unlike your family wherein they remained neutral, mine sided with my husband and I felt so damned battered emotionally that I regreted telling them.
• Philippines
6 Mar 08
hello cd. I hope that everything is ok between you and your husband now. I understand why you felt that way. Being your family, there's a part of you expecting that they will be behind you, backing you up. But it was quite the opposite. My eldest sister did the same thing halfway. When I told her my problems, she let me see the situation in my husband's side. And I was a little disappointed and somehow betrayed but when she was finished explaining my husband's side, she told me that she understood why I was reacting that way. I know that it's not an easy thing to be in the middle of conflicting sides. You know, cd, your family may not have explained fully why they sided with your husband. Maybe they had reasons. Maybe they thought backing up your husband was the best thing to do to avoid more conflicts. Too many maybes actually. The best thing you can do is to ask them what was the reason for their action.
1 person likes this
@cdparazo (5768)
• Philippines
6 Mar 08
Sad to say that we have ended up separating and are now separated for 2 years. My family ended up seeing my side of things and though, it is still considered taboo to have a broken marriage, they have supported me in my decision. I felt vindicated in a way that they have finally realized why I felt that way during those times. It's a very long stoy actually but they have seen their error and realized that I was justified in my feelings. I tried to hide my marital problems for 4 years and its was when I could no longer hold on to too much bottled up frustrations that I finally told them. I cried when they didn't see it my way at first which just added to my misery.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 Mar 08
I'm sorry your marriage ended that way, cd. Divorce isn't allowed in our country but I think when there's no love and respect left, in a relationship and marriage, staying together seems pointless. It will only create more bitterness and anger. And the children will suffer more to see parents who constantly hate each other on site. But at least in the end, you now have your family who supported you in your decision. And will still support you. Sadly, for some love stories, it ends unhappily.... But then, life and love are always unpredictable. You just never know what may happen next.
• Australia
24 Feb 08
I think it all depends on your family really. If they can hear it and not wind up taking sides or hating your spouse, than I think sometimes it's good to have someone to talk to instead of bottling it all inside. However, if they are the type to start hating and bashing your husband, instead of offering reasonable solutions that helps to keep your bond with your husband, than I think you should keep it to yourself out of repect for your marriage and your husband. Afterall, in the end, it's about you and him and no one else. One thing I have learned is that family can cause severe rifts in a marriage and if you all are already having difficulty, this can make things worse....
• Philippines
9 Mar 08
You have put it very well, sassyKittyKat. Not all families have an unbiased ear to listen. Either they make or unbreak a marriage. From what I have read so far from other responses, they don't dare tell their families. For one thing, their spouses are not well-liked in the first place. And telling their families of the problems their having will only add wood to the fire.
1 person likes this
• Australia
10 Mar 08
Exactly! What happens in a marriage, should stay in a marriage...
1 person likes this
@cefaz_21 (2597)
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
No, I keep it to my family even to my closest sister. It's because I remember what the marriage counselor told us that we should protect each other in our family's eyes..so they will respect us. But of course, keeping it all your self is hard and as you have said can end up in mental institution..that's why I have friends whom I can tell how and what is goin on between us. I'm thankful though that I never really had a problem so big with my hubby as of this time.
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
I agree with you, cefaz. It doesn't help bottling it all up. I do respect your choice of keeping what problems you and your hubby may be having, from your family. We all have our own reasons for doing so. I understand why the marriage counselor have given that advice. It's so hard to earn the respect of someone but so easy to lose it. And getting it back is twice as hard.
• United States
20 Mar 08
You know when we went through marriage our pastor told us that when you have issues and need someone to talk to, talk to someone of mutual ground and do not drag your family into it. I have to be honest though the first person I run to when I have a problem is my mom. She is my best friend and I have found that she always stays neutral between my husband and I. In fact sometimes she will even take his side if I am in the wrong. My mom has always been my best friend and when you are in trouble that is who you want to run too. My husband too has a hard time coming to me when he is going through something. So I tend to get frustrated because I want to help him and I don't want him going through things alone. My mom seems to understand most of what we are going through because she has been there before, so if I can talk to her about things and know she will still feel the same way about my husband, why not go to her for advice. Her advice always seems to help.
• Philippines
21 Mar 08
hello jsarten... There were some who responded in this discussion who has the same situation as yours, with regards to having your mothers as your bestfriends and confidants. From the answers given in this discussion, it clearly shows that sharing marital problems with parents and siblings, is not for everyone. But for those who does, it's a step that actually helps their marriage life somehow. I understand that it can be frustrating when our husbands have some difficulty coming to us for help. Somehow it feels as if our hands our tied and no matter how much we want to help them, we don't know how. It's good to know that even if you're experiencing some problems, you have your mom who will always be there for you. Ready to listen and offer unbiased advices.
@dangnabit67 (2021)
• United States
20 Mar 08
I have told my mother things and then she gets pissed off at my hubby. Which in turn causes hard feelings between mom and hubby. I hate watching what I say and how I say it. Sometimes I just want to vent. Perhaps I need someone else to talk to-LOL
1 person likes this
• Philippines
25 Mar 08
hi dangnabit. I completely understand the need to vent sometimes. Because I've been there several times. And the outcome may not be pretty but it does feel good to just let it all out. Maybe the day will come that the tension between your mom and your husband will go away. And whatever hard feelings will be forgotten, for your sake.
@chrislotz (8203)
• Canada
10 Mar 08
I have made the mistake , in the past, of talking to my family members about the problems in my marriage. The reason I call it a mistake is because my family has not forgotten and does not forgive too easily and they all hate him now. They think that I am a fool for putting up with him and that I should leave him. My family are all hard people, and they don't forgive anybody for their mistakes. I know they love me, but they are just not forgiving and they think they know what is best for me. I don't talk to them anymore about the bad things, only the good, but it doesn't help them to forgive him. He has a gambling problem and has taken me down with him and we are working on it with a councellor, but that makes no difference to them. They say he is bad and will never change and that I am bad for putting up with it. By the way, all my sisters have ex-husbands, because they are all strong and never put up with anything bad. I think they gave up to easily and never fought to keep their marriages together.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
20 Mar 08
hi chrislotz. Sorry it took me a lot longer to get back to you.. I'm sorry that your family feels strongly that way about your husband. And please believe me when I say that I completely understand how you feel. My brother-in-law has a similiar situation. He still tries to make things right but my father isn't making it easy for me. But still, my brother-in-law never gives up. He does wish that the day will come that my father will finally accept him without anymore reservations. Just keep on what you're doing. Be there for your husband especially when he's doing the necessary steps to correct the mistakes he had made in the past.
@vijigopi (991)
• United States
7 Mar 08
I completely understand what you are going through jcj. Marriage will soon be in the ruins if the husband and wife do not communicate with each other. Communication is very very important in keeping your marriage strong. As for me, I haven't confided my marital problems with my parents and unfortunately I don't have siblings. Actually, my father had problems accepting my husband and his family and I did not dare tell my problems to him or he'll have done something mad!! I have gone through phases when both of us didn't understand each other and it was a tough time for both of us. I used to bottle up completely and he used to shout out his anger. It only made me more angry because I didn't voice my emotions too much and even if I did, the fight became even more worse. It was gradually that I learnt to keep my calm and convey my opinions in a calm way long after the fight had cooled down. The time helped both of us cool down and learn to listen and understand to each other's point of view. Slowly, after some of the discussions we both started to actually listen to each other even during the fight when one or both of us were shouting our throats out. So, I think even if your husband waits till the tension subsides, it is better to sit down and talk to each other honestly and in a polite manner what both of you feel. Tell your husband that you want to understand his feelings and you will be able to understand him better only if he expresses his opinions. I am sure he will be able to come out of his shell soon if you persist (but don't nag) and you won't need to confide your problems anymore to your siblings. Good luck.
• Philippines
9 Mar 08
hi vijigopi. :) Thank you for sharing your experience. I've learned so much from all the responses that this discussion received. It's a matter of choice. Marital conflicts are very delicate issues. And letting them outside the marriage cirlce can either break the marriage completely or heal its wounds. Your case with your husband and father is somehow similar to my sister. Our father didn't approve of him and there were times that my father plainly showed my brother-in-law that he has no respect for him. Sometimes our sister will confide with me and our youngest sister. But it's not much as telling us her problems and she's seeking our advices. It's like she's trying to teach us something in an older sister's view of marriage problems. Marriage is sure a rough road to travel. Lots of bumps but because of these bumps, we learn how to prepare ourselves for the future "bumps". And I'm glad that through time and experiences, both you and your husband have learned how to effectively deal with your problems As for me and my husband,he's still like his old self somehow. But the good news is even if he still refuses to sit down and talk about it, he's not uncomfortable to admit that he made a mistake. He's still coping with his words but at least he's not doing his old thing.. of just waiting all the tension to fade away and not even admitting his fault. We still have a long, long journey. And I hope the road will have less of the bumps. :)
@Betty34 (267)
• United States
27 Feb 08
Hi jcj, That is wonderful that your family is that way. I am actually more like your husband in the fact that I don't like to talk about my feelings. I didn't have it easy growing up either. What I have started to do is when my husband and I argue, write down how I feel. He read one recently and said that is the most that I have known how you feel and we've been together 4 yrs., 1 of those married. It also helps because when I want to lash out at him or get defensive, I can write it down. It calms me down, so that I talk to him when I'm not mad. I think that is how most arguments get out of hand. When you say things to hurt the other person because they did the same to you. Nothing gets solved by just saying things that you don't mean. I am wondering if maybe your husband would be able to do this too. It may be a start. The important part of the writing is to write about your feelings, and not belittle the other person. Kind of make it more about yourself than the other person. Like how it is better to say "I feel this way" rather than "You made me feel this way." I hope this helps and I hope he is willing. Good luck, B
• Philippines
9 Mar 08
Hi betty. My husband was into journals most of his adult life. He just stopped recently. But unlike what you've suggested, he wrote down the daily things he had done. Nothing personal really. Whatever emotions he's feeling, it's all trapped inside him. He doesn't write it down(maybe he's worried that I might find his journal by accident and read it). But I did have a journal when we were on our 2nd year of marriage. Because that was the time that I was starting to feel something was wrong. But you know, Betty, I stopped writing down what I felt eventually. Because when I go through all those words I have written, all I can see was total bitterness and disappointment. And I didn't want to reach the day when I get to read in my own writing, that I don't love my husband anymore and I've lost respect for him. I guess, writing journals help some but not everyone. And that included me. The more I write down my emotions, all the hurt I was feeling, the more I get angrier and bitter towards my husband. That's why after enduring for so long, I took the next big risk: Telling my siblings. Because I needed someone to talk back to me. Give me the advices that I needed. But you're right that nothing is saying things we don't really mean. Not only can't we take it back, but the emotional scar will always be there. And what you're doing is very effective. Because you're taking steps to avoid adding more conflicts.
@queenofarms (1665)
• United States
25 Feb 08
I confide with my family...Sometimes you need to just vent. And like you I was afraid to do so. I would always say I need to vent and some advice. And there is no marriage that is a bed of roses. Some people try to make think there marriage is perfect. But 9 times out of 10 its not. I always thought my aunts and uncles had the perfect marriage. But it all came out when I got older,and it wasn't.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
9 Mar 08
hello queen. We all do need to vent, sometime. Because when the pressure of marital conflicts build up, and there's no outlet, the outcome is much more ugly. As what I've said to one of the respondents, there's no perfect marriage. Because if there's one, DIVORCE won't exist.
@bellaofchaos (11549)
• United States
24 Feb 08
My bro is to young to talk to about any problems and my mom and family would be very judgemental and look at him in a negative way so I usually just talk to my bestfriends. They help by listening and being objective. I love them for that. LOL!!!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
Hello bella. It's fortunate that you've got friends who can stand on objective ground. They don't just side up with you and "attack" your husband. They truly help you to see the whole picture. Whenever we're hurt, we tend to be momentarily blinded of the whole situation. We only get to see our side of the story, and forget for awhile that our spouses are hurting, too.