How many chances are too many?

United States
February 23, 2008 10:20pm CST
I've been with my boyfriend off and on for 3 years. The way I grew up I was taught that men are pigs. They can't be trusted. I've always been afraid to let anybody get too close to me, especially males. When he and I reach a certain point in our relationship I find myself starting to push him away. I don't do it purposely, but before I know it he can't handle anymore and he's walking away, again. He's broken up with me three time for this, which to a certain extent, I can understand. He gets sick of me putting my wall up, but then again, he's not making it any easier to let it down when he walks away each time it gets tough. My sisters and some of my friends keep telling me I just need to let him go. They say he's done this too many times and it's just not right. But, you know how love is... So, my question is this, what do you guys think? Do you think I should take him back, yet again. Or do you think I should take my sister's advice and let him go?
2 people like this
9 responses
@gemini_rose (16193)
24 Feb 08
Who has brought you up to believe that men are pigs? That seems a little harsh, as we should be brought up to make our own decisions about things and people. I have been hurt a fair few times over the years and this led to me being afraid of letting people get too close, I understand exactly what you mean about after a certain point pushing them away. I do the same thing with my husband I get so far and then I start putting the bricks up one by one. But all this is caused by being hurt in love before not because of the way I was taught. I was aware of what I was doing with my husband, and he was aware of it too and let me tell you if you keep on pushing, one day they wont come back. I pushed my husband into having an affair because of this pushing away, luckily I realised what I had done and we managed to get past it and we are still together. But again just recently I have been building that wall and if I dont stop it I will end up losing him and it will be my fault. You cannot expect your boyfriend to keep putting up with it because its not fair on him, he doesnt understand and if hes anything like my husband he will think its because of him and that you dont really love him. I think you should ask yourself if you can change how you are, if you can then take him back and let him into your heart, but if you know that like me, it will only be a matter of time before you start building that wall again then maybe you should consider letting him go. I think that if I cant stop building my wall then one day I too will have to consider letting go to stop him getting hurt anymore.
• United States
24 Feb 08
Nobody taught me men were pigs it just came to me by experience and example. All I saw from males growing up was negative. So, it just stuck with me. My boyfriend is the first guy I've ever met who I consider to be one of the good ones. Not even good, great. I know what I do isn't fair to him, and I'm learning, slowly but surely how to stop. I've been doing a lot of me time while we've been apart and I really think it's helping with this fear I have. I won't ever accept me pushing away people as okay. I'm gonna stop because it's not only hurting him, but me. Thanks for your response.
@lucky_witch (2711)
• Philippines
24 Feb 08
It is only you who can say if you want to take him back or not. But i ever you decide to give it a another try, then you should also give your best to make things work. You are hurt every time he walks away, but the question is, why did he do that? Is it only his fault? Do you always expect him to understand you? Just a thought my friend, dont you think he is expecting that you will also change and understand his limitations? Relationship is not a one way road. You both have to give your best to make things work. If you love him, give him another chance...give yourself another chance. This time, make it a point that you do things not for yourself but for him... and he should do the same. Make the most out of everything. In the end you wont regret that you know you have given your best to make things work.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Feb 08
A part of me pushing away is becoming very selfish. I start digging and digging on him about being selfish and self centered when I'm doing the exact thing. I forget sometimes that it does take two. Thank you so much for your response. It put a lot of perspective in my head.
@wisedragon (2330)
• Philippines
25 Feb 08
I'm in the same situation as your boyfriend. It seems the girl has absolutely no trust that I am being sincere. She keeps me at a distance to the point that she makes me feel so unloved, unwanted, unappreciated, worthless. She shows more affection for her male friends than for me. She tells me lies just to cover up her secrets. Let me tell ya, it is extremely frustrating to be in love with a woman like that. As a result I have walked out on her several times already. I don't know why she's like that. I have done nothing wrong. I have given her all my love. She has given me nothing but bullsh_t.
• United States
25 Feb 08
Well, I'm sorry to hear about that. :/ I mean, I have trust issues with him, but it's not as bad as what your girlfriend has. I'm very affectionate towards him, I don't lie or anything, I just begin to push him away after awhile. Thanks for your response. I hope everything turns out all right for you.
• United States
24 Feb 08
I was raised the same way, but at some point you have to learn to trust people. I understand your situation with putting your walls up, but your boyfriend walking away isn't going to help you feel secure. All I can say is listen to your heart, not your family. It's not up to your sister, you need to do what's best for YOU. If you go through life never trusting anyone, you're only hurting yourself. No one ever said life was easy, but you have to give it a chance. Not ALL men are bad. I know how hard it is to trust them, but at some point that wall needs to come down, at least a little. I wish you the best with everything. I'm here for ya if you want to chat. :)
• United States
24 Feb 08
Well, it's nice to know someone understands where I'm coming from! I don't feel like such a crazy person. I know, I definitely need to listen and do what I want. What I want, no questions asked, is to get him back, because, let's face it, if anyone's giving anyone a second chance it's him giving me one, not the other way around. I want to get him back and give him what he's wanted from me all a long. Thank you very much for your words. I'll definitely talk to you if I'm needing to. :):)
• United States
24 Feb 08
I think you should take your own advice. Why are guys breaking up? The worse thing you can do in a relationship is seek advice, it will only confuse the situation. Whatever you are feelin at that moment do it! Too many chances is when YOU have had enough. People forget to communicate with thier mate.
• United States
24 Feb 08
What you said makes a lot of sense. Thanks for commenting. :)
@rsa101 (13336)
• Philippines
24 Feb 08
It is always your choice that makes this happen to you and your relationship. Which do you think would make you happier and weigh things which suits you more. I think I see and feel in you that you are struggling with your belief system that "men are pigs". For as long as you hold onto that belief then you will always end up in the same situation you are in right now. What I can tell you is that start removing that belief system that you have inherited from your past if you wanted to have a long and lasting relationship. This is what hinders you from moving on to what you want which is obviously you wanted to have a good relationship with men. But if it is what you want you can always stay in what you believe in.
@rsa101 (13336)
• Philippines
25 Feb 08
I am glad that your awareness level has opened you up. I have to say you have to start trusting and they will start trusting you. If you believe that this man is different from everybody else maybe its a sign.
• United States
24 Feb 08
I'm a guy and after reading this i am wondering why you are pushing him away. Are you afraid of commitment, like marriage, or are there other things happening. If this is something about commitment then you need to ask yourself if you really love the person, but if it isn't then stop hurting yourself by letting him back into your life. That is the worst thing you can do because it will make you put walls up more often.
• United States
24 Feb 08
No, it's not a fear of commitment, it's just a fear of being hurt. The only examples of husbandry was of my father and uncles, and they never really set the standard very high. I think if I were to back out of the relationship it would be taking the easy way out. I'll never be able to learn how to take those walls down and if I want to learn it with any one person, it's definitely this one. Thanks for your opinion.
@miller1978 (1104)
• United States
24 Feb 08
No one can decide this for you. If you want things to work out and you guys do end up getting back together, the best thing you can do is get some counseling for yourself. That way you can fix your problem of putting the wall up. I honestly didn't believe in counseling until I went for myself about a year ago. I am still presently going and it has improved my relationship with my boyfriend and children.
• United States
24 Feb 08
Yeah, I thought about doing that. I think I still might. I also have a problem with allowing people to help me with things. I think counseling could fix both those problems. :) Thanks for your response.
@am_mad (57)
• Egypt
24 Feb 08
i think you have to take the advice of your sister, i think it is doing well.