trying not to let this bug me, but....

Singapore
February 27, 2008 2:49am CST
I was wishing I didn't have to hound a relative for the return of a loan, but I didn't want him to think I had clean forgotten about it. so I would text him once a month, after the date he said he would return me the money, to remind him of my transfer details. he always said he would do the transfer soon and apologise profusely. but the money never came. so recently, after a 3 month delay from the first date he promised to pay me, he msged and said his car got into an accident and he needed cash to pay up before he could claim. which is true i guess. what i couldn't help thinking was that he if had paid me in dec when he said he would, then he wouldn't be in this situation in feb. on one hand, i guess he needs the cash more urgently than i do, but on the other hand, I hate having to remind people of things like that. what would you do if you were in my situation? just take the money as gone? I was prepared for that when i agreed to the loan. but this was the first time he was asking and the situation sounded genuine and not something easily resolved, so i decided it was fair to give him more time. oh well, perhaps I'll get the money at some point. better (very) late than never.
6 people like this
17 responses
@ahgong (10064)
• Singapore
27 Feb 08
ha ha ha ha ha ha... I was just typing in the other thread. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1416695.aspx Only be a lender if you can afford to lose the item or money you lend out to the borrower. Otherwise, you will always be feeling sore that they never return the item or money to you. This is especially so with it comes to money. And if that same borrower borrows onces too many times, then the loans will stop till trust can be established again that he is a person who is able to keep up with his debts.
• Singapore
28 Feb 08
yup i was prepared to lose it, but one small part of me believed that he would really try his best to return it, which might still be true. hope springs eternal.:)
@ahgong (10064)
• Singapore
28 Feb 08
ha ha ha ha ha... well, no harm in hoping. But don't expect it to be returned anytime soon. From the looks o it, it will take quite a while before it will ever get returned. So be patient.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
29 Feb 08
yup will just try not to think abt it. maybe i can figure out ways to earn more money to recoup this loss haha. hongbao draw over rite?
@applefreak (3131)
• Singapore
9 Mar 08
gosh this is one of life's dilemma. although all of us are mentally prepared when we gave the loan. it doesn't mean that we really don't want our money back. if we can't get it back no matter how we try, then fair enough. but how can we just write it off without even trying? i'm in a similar situation but slightly different. a friend owe me some money as well and is making regular repayment. but the amount is so small that we figured it'll take him 30yrs to finish paying. how do i open my mouth to tell him to pay more every month? especially when he is always complaining he is earning just enough to pay all the bills. sigh...
1 person likes this
• Singapore
3 Jul 08
so i guess the loan is large but the repayments are small... hiyah... at least you are getting a trickle. ultimately guess we have to take it as a foregone gift lor...
• Singapore
4 Jul 08
yes the loan is enough to let me renovate my home again. not that i'm lamenting about it. it's just that the repayment trickles in so slowly. i really wish i'd summon up the courage to ask for bigger repayments. maybe next year, or when my friends gets a pay increment. that'll be a good time to ask. ;p
• India
28 Feb 08
I guess it depends on how close the relation is. If its quite close and you can actually verify the situation, you can expect the money to be returned sometime, as you have chance of bumping into the person every now and then. The relative may also reciprocate your help in some other way at some other time or maybe return the money too sometime later according to convenience. . However, if it’s a distant relation, somebody you come across once in a blue moon, its prudent to refuse them loan in the first place, and if you have actually done the blunder, you can as well forget about it.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
29 Feb 08
well, our families are reasonably close and we see each other once every few months. in the recent festive period he didn't attend all our family functions citing overtime work. I have this strange feeling that he might have borrowed from others in the extended family and was embarrased to see them.
• India
29 Feb 08
Well I am now absolutely sure and he is actually avoiding family gatherings. I think you can safely forget about the money now. oh well, once bitten twice shy.
@kun2349 (23473)
• Singapore
28 Feb 08
It's always hard to turn away relatives for loan de.. Since loaned out, always expect the unexpected of not getting back the money.. For me, it happened on me twice.. BUt there are ple who do return, so i always make it a point now, not to lend too much to ple.. So thst it's easier for them to pay, if not, i will only make a small loss instead..
1 person likes this
• Singapore
29 Feb 08
yup next time i will loan smaller.
@kun2349 (23473)
• Singapore
29 Feb 08
or u can ask him to pay u back slowly in small amounts every month lo ^_^
1 person likes this
@mansha (6301)
• India
27 Feb 08
I lent money to my brother in law thrice and it was a big amount and there was never a mention of their ever returnong it as we thought that was what families are for. Years later the matter came up and I had mentioned it to someone that we had lent them the money when they neededit. The words got twisted and matter rerached my sis in law's ears too. Now I am being blamed for being the highty mighty type and having no respect towards elders and so on and so forth and that it was not a favor I had done. Still there is no scene of their shoving that amount to our faces(may e to shame us) but I am being accused of being rude for mentioning it. But I guess thats what families are supposedly like.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
28 Feb 08
i have not mentioned this to anyone else in the family at all. these things are sensitive. so I wanted it to be helping him from the heart. but i have a feeling he might have tried to get loans from my aunt as well. but i don't feel so comfortable bringing it up, like i was a tattletale or sth... sigh.
1 person likes this
@mansha (6301)
• India
28 Feb 08
I also never mentioned it deliberately but it came up during conversation and it has become such an issue -even a casual mention has made them all so hyper. I have been loaning my in lwas, my brother in laws so many times , I think now they are feeling guilty and self concious and since they can not afford to pay me back all that they took from us as amounts used to be too big it has become an issue and for them offense is the best defense.
• Australia
27 Feb 08
Homestly, I think it all depends on your financial situation and how much the loan was for. I mean, if the loan was a major amount, it's not something you should take lightly. I wouldn't take back a loan from my family if it were a small amount, after all, they're family. However, if it's a substantial amount, well then that's not a small thing. It sounds like he is taking advantages of the fact that you're family and because of that he feels he doesn't have to pay you back. If he was for real, he would have told you when you first started making your calls to him, that he may not be able to pay it back. First of all, if I were to borrow money from my family, out of respect and appreciation for them, I would at least offer to make payments, even if it was only a small amount that I could afford to give. Anything else is just taking advantage of your relationship in my opinion.
• Singapore
28 Feb 08
i guess everything is relative. it's a sum that is just a fraction of my monthly income and his monthly income. but i guess if he was helping his gf with a major debt then all his money might be going into that, whilst i still have the ability to save monthly. so the need is greater on his side, though the amount is not small (e.g. $50), but not that large (e.g. $1000).
1 person likes this
• Australia
28 Feb 08
Well, it sounds like you really would be doing him a favor if you just let it go. Sometimes people need a break and I think there should be more people like you, who are willing to do that for someone else. If there was, maybe this world wouldn't be such a bad place....
@poohgal (6848)
• Singapore
27 Jun 08
Since he promised to return, there's no need for he to waive off the debt. It's your money so you have the right to have it back. Give him more time and I'm sure he will return. If he does not intend to return, he would not even reply you. He might just MIA. Since he still replies, I guess he will return. Of course, there's a chance he may be lying. Perhaps you want to verify what he says. I've heard of people borrowing and living luxuriously with the money.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
3 Jul 08
yah but i don't see him much these days so it's kinda too much effort to force him to verify. we're related, so at some point he will have to face me.
@cbiznetz (88)
• United States
9 Mar 08
depends on the relation, brother, cousin, etc. to me. First it is bad policy to lend family money unless there is a 'family pool' that is everyone helps each other and rarely are there time the money doesn't come back either as cash, or deed. I too am horrible with asking for my loans from people. I usually at first use the business approach, like bell south a friendly reminder..'did you forget like i do sometimes' then i use humor...there once was a big bad wolf who visited gammas house and borrowed her cash and never let her know when it was going to be paid back. then I use straight from the hip.. 'you know, i lend this in good faith because I trust it's safe return. A time frame was set, and broken. We need to re negotiate the term of this loan, so that you can have time and i can be sure to get the money I need as well back. Lets talk and come up with a plan that will work for both of us' If this is ignored or there is any excuse other than "okay lets re negotiate". Then it is time to use a threat, like court or a subtle hint like " because you ignored my request to work out a better pay plan, i have sought legal counsel." They usual borrow from someone else to pay you, but you get paid. I am interested in how that turns out. There have been some that i have just had to let go of an learn that they are not a safe choice to lending too. And i too have been on the side of not being able to pay, but i always tried to do something, and never avoid them and it always worked out.
• Singapore
3 Jul 08
thanks for your suggestions! i should really try them out. as of now, I have kinda given up cos he owes other folks more than he owes me.
@whyaskq (7532)
• Singapore
29 Feb 08
LOL. So you have fell into the loan trap :p Hope it is not a big sum. Helping one in need is indeed a good deed and I believe it made you feel good over it. True, it is better late than never. What I have learnt in this "money-lending" business is that before you lend money to anyone, you must first be prepared to donate the money. If you are not prepared, then it is wise not to lend the money.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
3 Jul 08
looks like a charity case liao.
@roniroxas (10576)
• Philippines
28 Feb 08
its not that easy to earn money specially now a days that everything is expensive. i cant just cant take that the money as gone, that would be very bitter for me. i too loan money but thats the first thing i do as soon as i get money is to pay the loans first. pay the loans and the bills. so i wont have problems like that. and my reason too is if ever i have money problems i can loan again for the people knows i am a good payer. if this person is your friend then dont get tired of reminding that he needs to pay his loan. that is his obligation. now 3 months delay is a long time already you need to tell him that he needs to pay on a specific date. sometimes people dont pay their loan if they know the person they have debt is softy. i am happy that you understand that he just got his car into an accident but just like you said if he paid you last december then he wouldnt have this problems.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
29 Feb 08
cest la vie i guess.
@sid556 (30999)
• United States
28 Feb 08
Usually when I lend money and especially to close family & friends, I am prepared to handle it if they do not pay me back. For one thing, they are the very worst in paybacks and I would not want $ to come between an otherwise very valuable relationship. If they don't pay me back, I remember it and probably will not loan out again. If I were you, I'd continue with the once a month reminders or maybe step it up a bit and tell him that you really could use that money...even in payments. HE should be at least attempting. Maybe he really did run into some trouble but enough is enough...you've been very patient.
• Singapore
28 Feb 08
thanks that has always been my philosophy as well. but somehow i just had a tiny hope that it would be returned. i wanted to think better of him. and although we are not very very close, i did see him grow up and have known him for more than 20 years. problem is, i can't say 'i really could use that money' cos i have no urgent need of that sum whilst he probably does, with the accident and everything...
@maddysmommy (16233)
• United States
27 Feb 08
Aargh I know the feeling. I lent out small amounts of money to friends and family when living in Samoa and to be honest I never expected any of it back. They were small amounts though. When it came to others asking for bigger amounts I would refer them to my husband because he would easily just say no.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
28 Feb 08
yeah, problem is when the sum is around Howard's response. And not small enough to forget about, yet not so large that I'd hang a pig's head on his door (loanshark tactics in my country).
@howard96h (11645)
• New York, New York
27 Feb 08
The same thing happened to me, I have tried to get the money $500.00 back for the past 4 years and there has been fighting over it ever since. I even told him to pay $25.00 per month (yes per month) interest free, and he wouldn't agree to that saying he prefers to pay it all back at one time. If he had done it my way, it would nave been paid off already. I consider it "lost money" and he is so stupid because now I will never help him again if he ever needs it.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
28 Feb 08
yup that's the kind of sum that is not too large but not too small either... sigh.
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Feb 08
I wouldn't forget it. How about making a payment program for him....have him just pay you so much a month or week until it's paid off. I really know how you are feeling. I hate asking people to return money so the only ones I borrow to are my kids. They always pay me back as soon as they can.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
28 Feb 08
haha, I've made loans to my parents but usually i just forget it.
@nanayangel (7861)
• Philippines
27 Feb 08
Hi there! That actually happened to me a lot of times already. Before, I would just let them go easy and just forget about it but when I had my own family, and had to save for more important things for us, I started to refuse lending money to others especially if I know that they don't need it that much. And I make sure that I ask them for the payment when it's time to pay.
• Singapore
27 Feb 08
yeah i guess people should not take us for granted, even though my needs are less urgent than theirs....
@mssnow (9493)
• United States
27 Feb 08
I hate to say this but I'm gonna anyways. I NEVER under any circumstance lend money if i expect to get it back. I will tell a person its a gift and just forget it. I do not want bad feelings betwen me and that person so if i dont have the money to give I dont give it.
1 person likes this
@andyvish (901)
• India
27 Feb 08
Money - Money is enemy
If I were you, I would have never borrowed, no mate\ter how tight I am, because it is the loans which defeats the friendships. Any way, you need to pay the amount as soon as possible. As he is your friend, he also will be feeling it difficult to ask for the money, as you are feeling for not paying him back. As friends, you need to talk to each other and find some solution to this.
• Singapore
27 Feb 08
i think you misread my post.
1 person likes this
• Australia
27 Feb 08
I think so too LOL...
1 person likes this