is it possible to be a good lover and husband/wife too?

@ESKARENA1 (18299)
March 4, 2008 12:39pm CST
I have heard people say that it is not possible to be both a spouce and a lover, is this true, how do you feel?
1 person likes this
7 responses
@novataylor (6572)
• United States
4 Mar 08
In your particular situation, Eskarena, I don't see how it could be possible at all, but your's is a unique marriage, and not subject to the conventional ideas that most of us share about marriage. I think that you and your spouse have a wonderful marriage, from my point of view, and that you care for each other deeply, and share a common goal that centers around your children. But, you have other needs that are being neglected here, and he doesn't share that problem. Your desires need to be addressed. We've spoken at length about this, and you know how I feel about it. I am so in your corner, and have a fervent wish to see you happy. If there were anything I could do to affect that, you know I would. As to the ordinary marriage, well, I think it's very possible to be both a lover and a good spouse, although the two don't necessarily go hand in hand all of the time. They're both something we have to work at and we can expect lulls in both areas at various times during our marriage. But it's the commitment that makes the difference here, I think. If one is commited to making it work, then one will do what it takes. It can be very hard, sometimes, to be patient, and give each other the time we might need, but it's important and worth putting up with. I have issues in my own marriage surrounding this very thing, as we've spoken of, and I'm having a hard time with it. But I'm hanging in there, and sticking it out, 'cause I want this thing to work and last. It's been almost l2 years now, and I'm certainly not about to give up now. Whew! You do post some heavy topics, Eskarena, my sweet friend, don't you? It taxes my brain, but you and what you are asking are well worth any effort I might make, and if anything I say can help you in even a small way, then I am gratified.
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@ESKARENA1 (18299)
4 Mar 08
Oh my friend, thank you so much for your reply, at least it didnt start by asking me if i was serious lol. Anyone who knows me knows i am rarely anything but. Actually i was commenting upon the way marriages change people but hey.... blessed be
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Mar 08
The way marriages change people, Eskarena? How so, darlin, I'm interested to know. I would agree that marriage certainly changes people, it's changed me. I think it's made me better, actually. I think that to have a commited, serious relationship, we have to do so much intra-personal giving, and keeping our partner's needs foremost in our minds, that it ends up making us more generous somehow. That one's going to take some more thougt. But if you give me some more to go on, I'd try to take it from there.
@ESKARENA1 (18299)
4 Mar 08
To me it is like many people stop trying once they are within a marriage, at least not in the same way as they do before marriage. My point is this, is it possible to keep that intensity in a marriage?
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@mgmagana (3621)
• United States
4 Mar 08
i know i'm a good wife, i know my husband is satisfied with our s.e.x lives! so i guess it can be true!
2 people like this
@ESKARENA1 (18299)
4 Mar 08
if you are both happy then for sure it is true blessed be
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@rb200406 (1825)
• India
9 Mar 08
I guess it is not true.I don't understand why it is said.One can always consider a spouse lover.
@ESKARENA1 (18299)
9 Mar 08
but within marriage i feel sometimes this lessens
@rb200406 (1825)
• India
9 Mar 08
It lessens because you tend to take everything including your spouse for granted.You have to work towards the relationship happen.
@Ohara_1983 (4120)
• Kuwait
5 Mar 08
i think ity is true, why we cannot be a good lover of our husband or wife, those people who say is they not realize what is the real love & never feel the real care of thier partner.
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@ESKARENA1 (18299)
6 Mar 08
YES FOR SURE YOU ARE BLESSED INDEED IF YOU DO FEEL SUCH LOVE blessed be
• United States
4 Mar 08
How does one become a spouse without being a lover first? To be a spouse is to be a lover. Why would you marry someone who isn't your lover? Why would being a lover immediately dissolve upon marriage? I think people invent these ruts for themselves. People believe such stereotypes to the point of thinking they are abnormal if they don't behave that way which only perpetuates the misconceptions and breeds dissatisfaction.
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@Myrrdin (3601)
• Canada
4 Mar 08
I just reread what I wrote... Don't you love mixed metaphors LOL... I started to say the cookie crumbles both ways but changed it my head to the sword cuts both ways, but apparently I wasn't paying attention to what I actually wrote LOL.
2 people like this
@caramello (4381)
• Australia
4 Mar 08
I guess it is possible, anything is! But for me just being a good, honest wife is what matters most and the rest just comes naturally. Maybe those who have said this think of nothing else which is sad with relating to all the failed marriages and relationships these days!
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@stephcjh (32327)
• United States
5 Mar 08
I think if you have the right connection with your mate, then it is very possible to be a lover and a spouse. but there are times when you have to separate the two from each other to make it work really well.