adopted child has grown up,should parents tell him the truth

@comfort55 (1574)
India
March 6, 2008 3:03am CST
One of my relatives,a couple didnt had a child,so they adopted a boy from the hospital when he was 15 days old. Now this boy is 12 years.Should the parents tell him the truth. If yes then how, so that the child does not get hurt and he should behave normal.I've heard the child should be told the truth by his parents because he'll react adversely if he comes to know through some other source.Your opinions are welcome.
7 responses
@patgalca (14605)
• Orangeville, Ontario
7 Mar 08
My husband adopted my daughter. He was there when she was born but we were friends at the time and went our separate ways for a couple of years. We have not told her that he is not her biological father. She is 15 now and will look for anything to use to start a fire. There is no way I am going to add that fuel. Perhaps we should have told her a long time ago but I still feel she would have used it against my husband. Telling my daughter that her Dad is not her biological father will mean revealing my unpleasant past. I am reluctant to do that. Maybe when she gets older I will feel differently. There is also a whole other family out there that she is related to. I certainly don't want to open up THAT can of worms. And revealing that her sister is her HALF sister? That would just turn our home into a war zone. But this situation is different, as is every situation. It really is up to the parent to decide when is the right time. There is no definite time but pre-teens and teenagers have enough going on with hormones and peer pressure, adding that kind of information into the mix could cause severe depression.
@comfort55 (1574)
• India
7 Mar 08
Yeah patgalca,sometimes situation gets really acute though we try hard to make it as smooth as possible. I wish your daughter reacts positively when she comes to know the truth and same I wish for this couple also. Thankyou.
@queenofarms (1665)
• United States
6 Mar 08
I think he should be told when he is mature enough to understand...I agree its going to be easier if he hears it from his parents...I'd want to know if it was me..And I'd want it to come from parents and not someone else...I don't think there is an easy way without causing the child to wonder about his/her bio-parents..
@comfort55 (1574)
• India
6 Mar 08
Thankyou queenofarms for the response.I agree with you that he should be told by his parents when he is mature enough.Maybe when he understands the things he might get curious to know about his bio-parents.Its a difficult situation for the parents.
@x7heavens (365)
• Singapore
6 Mar 08
Any child will feel hurt when he discovered he is adopted, whether through confession by the adopted parents or accidental. A mixed feeling of anger, confusion, hopelessness and abandonment will occur. Questions will flow and maybe logical answers will be rejected by the child. The main thing here that he must be told when he is ready to face it. 12 is too young, he may act recklessly to the news and run away. 18 is the right age to tell them. They will be more mature and be able to tell between right and wrong.
@comfort55 (1574)
• India
6 Mar 08
Hi x7heavens!Thanks for your response. I think you are right,he should be mature enough to be confessed about his adoption by his parents so that he understands the things.Though parents love this child extremely but still they dread the day when he comes to know about adoption.
@ushaqwer (95)
• India
22 Aug 08
i wud realy sugest the parents not to say the truth.becoz the child wil get hurt and he wud think that why i am not born to such a good parents.sum children wud go out in search of them.it is not good to say them the truth.
• United States
10 Mar 08
Being an adopted child, I feel it is a shame they did not start out with the truth. I knew from the start - bedtime stories of how I was chosen. I also have a child that is adopted (1 natural child and 1 adopted) and she has an adopted child from Russia and 2 natural children. I don't know how they can break the news to him, but I do feel it is extremely important that they be the one to tell him the truth! He may react adversely even if they tell him, but I feel it would not be as bad as if he hears it from someone else. His parents might want to talk with a counselor to find the best way to approach this. I will remember the family in my prayers. There are so many emotions that a child goes through when they know they are adopted. The biggest hurdle is overcoming the abandonment issues that are always present in this circumstance. It took me 3 years of therapy (at 44 I decided to take my happiness into my own hands) some one-on-one, some group and many seminars to let go of those issues. The good news is that there are many good people out there that are trained to help you through the tough stuff. Please keep me updated on this young man.
@julievy (595)
• United States
9 Mar 08
They should tell him ASAP. He is old enough to understand. I have 2 adopted sisters and one adopted nephew. Only one of my sisters was adopted at birth (the other 2 were older) She grew up knowing that she was adopted and that she was their special baby. I don't think it hurt her a bit. She's completely normal and well adjusted (she's now almost 40 years old). And she's very close to all of the family. She did meet her biological parents soon after she turned 18 (they had eventually married each other) , and she is still in contact with them. However, she thinks of us as her real family.
• Trinidad And Tobago
7 Mar 08
I wish there was a way to keep kids from finding out that they were adopted because it hurts & the people never understand why. If you aren't told & you find out later on in life you get angry because you think your whole life was a lie. You find out young & besides dealing with the growning up years, you have to deal with why didn't they want me, who are they, do I have brothers & sisters, did they keep my syblings & if they did why didn't they keep me. Who do I look like. Your life literaly nolonger makes much sense, especialy if you find out when your birth parents want to reconnect or you are sick & only your blood line is needed Telling a child that depends on his emotional & mental health & only his "parents" could make such a decision, after of course they have consulted their family doctor/psycologist.