Grown Men Living At Home

@catjane (1036)
United States
March 10, 2008 10:19am CST
Do you know any grown men still living at home? My husband lived at home until he was 43. When I met him he had just moved in to this house and had only been on his own for 6 months, yet, he still went over to his moms for dinner every day and she was 75 years old. She has passed on now and it was very hard for him as he was very attached. She was an enabler, I think. She should have encouraged him to move out when he was a young man instead of hanging on to him like that. He is so dependent on me now and expects me to do everything for him. He never did marry or have kids. I'm his first wife and can't have any more kids, so he missed out on that. Do you think this is right or wrong?
3 people like this
10 responses
@foxyfire33 (10009)
• United States
10 Mar 08
HaHa...my s/o is 42 and we all live with his parents. After giving birth to 3 of his children, I got tired of living in a separate house so I moved in here since he wouldn't leave....yeah I know, I should have realized it meant something else but at the time I though keeping our family together was important. He sits around while his mom and I do all the work and still finds time to complain if we don't get everything done that he wants done. He lived here for 5 1/2 years before I moved in so this is what he's used to and will probably never change. And when I move out I'm sure he'll stay here continuing to be miserable.
2 people like this
@catjane (1036)
• United States
10 Mar 08
I think it's time you, your husband and your kids all got a place of your own! You can still wait on him in your own place lol.
1 person likes this
@foxyfire33 (10009)
• United States
10 Mar 08
Ehh..moving him out would require more work than he's interested in doing. He'll probably eventually agree to getting another place and once the boys and I are settled in he'll come up with one excuse or another why he needs to stay here...it's really fine with me, I've reached that point with him. If he wants to spend his life miserable fine, but he's not taking me down with him.
2 people like this
@whittby (3073)
• United States
10 Mar 08
My son lived with us during his first years of college. He's in his own apartment now and I think it's really for the best - he has to do all his own housekeeping, bill paying and cooking etc etc. It's okay to have the kids back to help them get on their feet financially and whatever their age when they need a place to stay - in my opinion. Some kids will be financially responsible and help out when living at home and I actually don't see a problem with them living at home as long as it's amenable to the parents. Other kids get waited on too much, don't save and get lazy - time to get their butts out of the house. whit
• United States
11 Mar 08
Well it is not strange in India to live at home at any age. People used to take over their father's business and lived with their parents even after they got married. Now since sons go out for jobs the parents move with them. We don't leave old parents alone to rot.
@catjane (1036)
• United States
11 Mar 08
doingitforfun....this isn't India. My husbands mother was no where in the rotting stage lol. Here in North america we have rest homes and sometimes take care of our aged ourselves. It sounds like in India there are less choices for children. What if you didn't want to take over your fathers business? What if you wanted to be an actor or a fireman? You also don't get to pick your own mates, so don't tell me about how wonderful India is. I'll take North America any day.
@julievy (595)
• United States
11 Mar 08
This is similar with many cultures. My husband is Chinese. Long before we ever got married he made it clear that when it got to the time when his mom could no longer live alone, she would live with us. I agreed to that, but added that my mom will probably be here too.
@catjane (1036)
• United States
11 Mar 08
That's nice and you would need a big house for all those relatives. I certainly wouldn't turn down and of my family living with me if the need be, but what I am talking about here is a grown man living with both his parents who are well and thriving quite well on their own. Someone who has never been on his own ever. He hasn't learned any skills from that and now that he's here with me, what would he do if I die? No one in his family is going to take him and and care for him. Americans don't do that with families. Maybe there are some that might, but not his. I think this worries him too.
@julievy (595)
• United States
11 Mar 08
Well... I just watched Psycho this afternoon... Hummm, scary! (Sorry, just kidding!) It works for some people. I dated a guy once that still lived with his mom and it worked well for them.
@catjane (1036)
• United States
11 Mar 08
I see it didn't work out to well for you though tee hee.
@julievy (595)
• United States
11 Mar 08
No, didn't work for me. He was really a very nice guy, but, he had to ask mom for money when we went out to dinner or if he needed gas in his car. He had a good job, but mom handled all his money for him.
• India
11 Mar 08
Well you may laugh at this but if living at home means staying with the parents, then here in India it is the norm rather than the exception to stay with your parents and take care of them till they die. We call it the joint family i.e. a family within a family. The sons get married and stay with the parents alongwith their wives and children. Its breaking now with more and more women working and therefore not liking to live under their MILs. Even I have spent more than 10yrs of my married life with my in-laws and its only a few months since I have started living independently. So I am not in a position to say whether your MIL was right or wrong. Its actually a totally different culture and way of life. PS: Someone here has said about not leaving old parents to rot. People don’t understand that staying independent does not mean that one doesn’t love the parents or doesn’t care for their well-being. Its only that in India (maybe in other developing nations too) the govt takes no direct responsibility of its senior citizens apart from maybe 1% higher interest rates or lower train/air fares, so the onus of daily care falls invariably on the children and the parents too expect this from them.
@catjane (1036)
• United States
11 Mar 08
I realize that in India there are different ways than in North America. Here thouggh the normal thing to do is as soon as your kids are grown and ready for university or being on their own either as individuals or married, they move away from the parental units. I think it's nice that in India you stay and help your family out. Here seniour citizens plan and save for their old age and there are many facilities that help older people along with money from the government, so we don't need our kids to live with us. I wouldn't want my 3 kids and all their husbands and kids living with me OMG where would I put them all! Thanks for responding and I do understand!
• United States
11 Mar 08
I know one man who does still live with his mother. He is older too. He is also gay. He takes care of his mom part of the time, I believe. She has a huge house and he keeps it up and takes care of all the cars. He's a really nice guy. Doesn't really seem to have those problems. He was in the military and used to live in Texas, so he has not lived with his mom his entire adult life. Just came back a few years ago.
@catjane (1036)
• United States
11 Mar 08
I don't see anything wrong with that. he has been on his own and learned about the world. If his mom needs someone to help her that's fine. It's the men that are born and never leave home. Never get married or have relationships most of their lives. It's sad. My husband never got to have kids and never will.
@Fishmomma (11452)
• United States
10 Mar 08
I hope he gains more independence, as people never know when life makes a drastic change. Many years ago, my husband was in an accident and on crutches for a long time. He was just the opposite of your husband, as he did everything himself. We had a rocky time in our marriage with everyone telling me what to do and expecting it done quickly. We had a baby who depended on me first and now I had gained a second child (my husband), who wanted everything now not when I could get there. My brother came for a visit and straightened out my husband quickly. I don't know what he said, but my husband started thanking me and stopped treating me like a door mat. Good luck and hope your husband treats you perfectly. There is always something most of us would like to change about our spouse, but its not always an easy solution.
@catjane (1036)
• United States
11 Mar 08
My husband treats me very good and lucky for him I am a nurturing person. I love taking care of people, but I don't want to be an enabler, I want him to be able to care for himself if something happens to me so I'm trying to get him ready for that. I'm doing everything now that his mom should have done years ago. It's slowly working....give me a few more years lol. Thanks for responding.
@dtroas (481)
• United States
10 Mar 08
Right or Wrong I can not say But sad for a grown man to live with mom for that long of a time. I do not agree with. But I have a friend that is 44 still lives at home with his mom, he has never been married or had children. I feel for him because he is a great guy, he works... But he expects his mother to do to much for him. She is 78 there is no need in that and I tell him that all the time. He needs to learn to do his own clothes, cook for himself. GOOD LUCK with your hubby
@catjane (1036)
• United States
11 Mar 08
That sounds exactly the situation my hisband was in. I don't think a grown man in his 40's needs to be still waited on by his mom, in fact, it should be the other way around.
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
10 Mar 08
The stereotype of adult men still living at home is there for good reason. Momma's boys DO exist, and I for one, do NOT want to be involved with one. I agree, it sounds as though your husband's mother enabled his behaviours for too long. She likely did it out of love, and did not think about how it could affect him in the long term. Some mothers just really like to coddle their kids, and don't want to let them go, for fear that they may get hurt in the real world, or whatever. Maybe just because they really enjoy looking after them. But that doesn't do them any favours in the long run, not at all. A parent's job is to teach their child(ren) to be independent, not to be their servant.
@catjane (1036)
• United States
10 Mar 08
I thihnk maybe she didn't want to be alone with her husbnd. He was a bit of a bully and they didn't have alot in common, so I think she used her son as a buffer.
1 person likes this
@joker9 (1)
• United States
11 Mar 08
I believe you are correct in your judgements and sometimes we feel guilty when we have to see our love ones other than perfect.I have a brother now 43 living with my elderly parents and is totally disrespectful to them.He has never lived on his own and was diagnosed with schitzophrenia earlier in life.It may be more common than we realize.