I want a divorce

United States
March 10, 2008 12:39pm CST
I have spent the last couple of years trying to rebuild a trust that has been broken repeatedly. I honestly gave it my best shot because I don't believe in divorce, but I know that it is completely impossible for me to live in a house with him when it seems like I'm the only one trying. He is constantly trying to validate his behavior by telling things that he is unhappy with. I have sat him down and told him that if he is unhappy feel free to leave and he insist that's not what he wants, but I find now that he is starting to make me feel worthless a feeling that I'm not well acquainted with and I want to leave. How do I let him know that this is no longer up for debate?
2 people like this
8 responses
@rinkub (231)
• India
11 Mar 08
To keep a marriage going is perhaps the most difficult thing to do. Men often try to rationalise their actions and justify their wrongdoings by lying or twisting things according to their convenience. I know, lo of my male friends here on myLot may not agree, but it's a fact.I know it's very, very difficult to continue. I've had my share of unbearable stuff in this marriage and am still undergoing. But,I'm doing it for my son. He loves both his parents a lot and has told me, you both can go on fighting and screaming but please don't divorce. I want to live with both of you. I feel, after a certain point, we should really push ourselves into the background as our children's future is more important than ours. Our kids have a right to not just a home, but a normal home which gives him feelings of security and warmth, something he will cherish and remember with fondness forever. Please don't think, it's easy for me to advise- I have gone through hell and sometimes do so even now. But,most of the time I choose to ignore the hurt and the lies. You too should do just that. Get involved with other activities and make friends and focus on your kid/s. It's easier said than done, and I know it better than anyone else but whoever said marriage was easy?
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Mar 08
I never expected it to be easy. I just would've liked a little warning that at some point I would be bedding down with someone who's first thought was not family but self, in everything he does. Now I'm to the point where I feel stupid for even trying to work it out in the first place. I used to be a really happy person and now I'm down to 2 emotions rage and tears. How can that be healthy for me or our kids?
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Mar 08
I am sorry but do you really think that it is helping your child to be living in a home where both parents are miserable? Do you really think you should be listening and taking marital advise from you child? I grew up in a home where both my parents were unhappily married for almost twenty years and after trying to make things work they decided that not being together was what was going to untimately make them happy. I was happy for the both of them that they decided to go there their sepreate ways - I now had two happy parents and it was much more comfortable for me to be around them and to know they were now happy. It changed my relationship with them for the better. It was not healthy for me to be subjected to the screaming and yelling and the verbal abuse that went on in our house - it was scary. Living with two unhappy role models was not what I called a happy home. I know children are usually the most importnant thing to a parent but no where does it say that your happiness has to take a backseat to what their wants are. I just can't believe that you are telling this woman to ignore he feelings and pretend like everything is ok when it is not. She should tell her husband exactly how she feels and do exaclty what is going to make her happy in the long run - regardless of what anyone says.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Mar 08
I would never separate him from the kids. I want to separate him from me. I wish that I could make this work, but I can't. That's one of the few reasons I even bothered to listen to all the fake promises and turned the other cheek,on all the harsh comments. I no longer have anymore cheeks to turn or be kicked in. I just want out.
@Mamagee (392)
• Malaysia
11 Mar 08
Hi areweine, do you ask him what make him unhappy. You have been trying to save your marriage. So find out what wrong with yourself first. After that try to make a change. If this dosn't make him happy, than he is the one who have problem or trying to create problems.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Mar 08
I've already been through all that. At first I was sure that he was acting out because I wasn't doing something and I asked him. I did everything from cutting back on not only hrs at work, but the amount of time I spend with family members and still it wasn't enough. Mamagee, those are just the smallest things u would really be amazed at the hoops that I have jumped through and I didn't do anything wrong. I finally figured it out,it's not about what's wrong with our relationship, his whole thing is about validating his behavior. Truth is I just don't have any more forgiveness left in my heart. This kitty has jumped her last hoop.
1 person likes this
@Mamagee (392)
• Malaysia
12 Mar 08
areweine, i understand how you feel. I hope you make a right decision.
@carolscash (9502)
• United States
11 Mar 08
You deserve to be happy and if he isn't willing to work at the relationship then I would say that it is time to end things now. Since there is a child involved, hopefully the two of you can accept the fact that the marriage isn't working and make the transition as easy as possible on the child. However, you need to just tell him that you want a divorce.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Mar 08
Telling him that I want a divorce isn't really the problem. Getting him to understand that I don't want to debate it. I don't want to vote on it. I especially don't want to hear about how he's going to do better or even actually try this time. I just want it to be over so that I can finally get over all of it.
@mark17779 (667)
10 Mar 08
Are there kids involved because if there is then please try harder as its not nice for the kids not to have both parents about.... why not try a trial seperation where you can both have time away from each other and see if you miss each other/want to work at your relationship..... failing that pack your bags and leave, or pack his and tell him to get out.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Mar 08
Yes there are kids invovled which is the main reason that I have allowed or should I say looked passed alot of the comments and actions that have been peformed in this relationship. I made the suggestion before that we separate for a while and because of his own behavior he immediately assumed it was because I had someone lined up to replace him. As hurt as I am nothing could be further from the truth but you'd never get him to believe that.
1 person likes this
• India
16 Mar 08
i think you should do some thing, like ignore him every where and try to talk with other males. might be he will get jealous for it. or he will ask you for divorce.
• United States
18 Mar 08
That might just be the problem, he knows that even though it wouldn't be a problem for me to find someone else, I could never because this isn't a game it's a way of life. Besides the way he thinks these days,he would only use it as an excuse to continue his behavior. Which is fine by me as long as he does it far far away on the other side of a nice fat stack of divorce papers.
• United States
11 Mar 08
I'm not going to say that I'm in the same boat as you are in, but I understand where you are coming from. Granted I do not know all the details such as what he did to break your trust repeatedly or what you've tried to do to fix things or anything like that. My husband and I have been fight a lot lately about many things. He has lied to my face several times about things and it is very hard to trust him about certain stuff. So I do know where you are coming from right there. No, my husband didnt cheat, and I'm not saying yours did either. What he did to loose your trust is something you dont have to explain to anybody if you would not want to. How long exectly have you been married? Did he just change all of a sudden or has it been going on slowly over a length of time? If you have really tried to make things work and he doesnt seem to be putting any effort into it straight out tell him that either he changes his attitude and gets his butt in gear and tries to make it work also if thats what he wants. If not then your gone. One day see if your kids can visit a grandma or a friends house for awhile and tell him you guys need to talk. Thats when I would tell him that he needs to work on things as well. That you know you are doing nothing wrong, but he seems to act like it. If he is making you feel bad about yourself then tell him that. Tell him what HE is doing wrong and what HE needs to do to fix it. Also tell him if HE doesnt want to do it and stop being a d*** then fine there is the door and dont let it kick him on the way out. Dont take crap from anybody, not even your husband. Does he do the cooking, cleaning, or the laundry? Does he help take care of the kids or do any house work? If not remind him of all the stuff that HE doesnt do and that YOU do on top of work. Dont feel worthless because of him. I'm sure you do a heck of a lot more than he does and he still has the nerve to stay stuff to you. I wish things would work out for you for the childrens sake, but not all relationships work out no matter how long or short you've been together. People do change, even our spouse. I wish the best of luck to you. You might as well tell him there is no more debating. Its either he gets his act together and stuff or your totally done. There is no reason for him to act like that.
• United States
18 Mar 08
As far as I can see everything that can be done from my part has been done. Everything that could possibly be said has. I've tried talking to him, questioning,bartering, pointing things out at the time that they happen, and it all leads to the same thing and I have finally just accepted it, the man that I married at some point got traded in for this self absorbed podperson who for whatever reason feels his life isn't complete unless he's got me to worry, frustrate,anger and leave sitting in a puddle of my own tears.
@miller1978 (1104)
• United States
11 Mar 08
From personal experience if you have tried everything and it's still not working, now would be the best time to call it quits. I grew up in a home where my parents were both unhappy. It hurt me emotionally, mentally, and physically. I would end up getting beat by my own mother because she couldn't deal with daily life skills and because she was unhappy so she had to take it out on someone. My father would just sleep, eat, and work. Wouldn't even acknowledge his own children were there and needed a father. After both my sister and I were grown, the damage was already done, they both decided to get divorced. In my own life after being grown I went and found the same kind of relationship I had witnessed my parents having. After 4 years of the mental, physical, and emotional abuse I finally told him to get out when he threatened to start abusing my children. Now having children in a home with this kind of "family" is not really a good home for them to be in. Yes you may convince yourself that you are doing what is best for the child(ren) involved, but in the end it will do more damage. Due to all the damage that was done through my childhood I have been in abusive relationships, had several one night stands with perfect strangers who ended up fathering a child they don't even know exists, and mentally abused myself for being stupid and childish, ruined perfectly good relationships with my attitude, held several different jobs, and totally screwed up my own life because of what I have witnessed in the past. I am presently going through counseling not only to better myself, but to better my children as well so they will have a parent with a head on her shoulders. All I can say and think it is I hope it's not to late to undo the damage I've already done by having my children in the environment they have been in for the last 11 years. I have been in counseling for about 8 months now, in a good relationship with a man who is very kind, and presently seeking a real job so that my children know how a real life is suppose to be. Whether you are married or not you can provide a loving home and financially support your child(ren). Good Luck in deciding your future. When you have had enough you will know it because it will just happen when you least expect it. There will be no thinking that this is better for my child, but that you will make a move for the better.
• United States
18 Mar 08
Again, I'm calling it quits. I'm jumping up and down screaming 'I QUIT', what I have is a failure to communicate.
• Philippines
22 Mar 08
Tell him that it is over, you want a divorce. If he tells you that it's not what he wants, then tell him that you do not care what he wants, or what he thinks because you're fed up with him.