Help with Elderly Mother

United States
March 10, 2008 9:26pm CST
What do others do when your siblings (sister) will not help with Mom's care or financial situation? I have been taking care of Mom for 20 yrs and all I get from this sibling is what "I" have to do for Mom, but no offer of any other help or lies on why no help. I get few phone calls & visits to Mom are maybe 1-2 times a yr. and she only lives 2-3 hrs away! She and the spouse make 3-4 times as much as I do (I'm single, 1 job which is in the process of being outsourced to India, with health issues due to the stress of all this) and these people have the best of everything. I am running out of $$ to take care of our mother which means I will be taking money out of my own retirement plan until I can find some assisstance. If I can't come up with some kind of assistance soon, I have considered legal action against sibling but don't know how to do this and don't want to upset Mom. Any suggestions would be helpful.
4 people like this
5 responses
@musicman6 (2371)
• United States
11 Mar 08
Well I truly relate to your position! I, myself, am in that situation also! But I justify myself, by accepting that God has chosen my sister and I to take care of both of our parents at home! There are some events in my life, that happened to me that I feel led me to this responsibility! And in my sisters case also! Between her and I, we take care of our parents 24hrs a day, and My mother is in a wheelchair! But the good news is, my six other siblings are always readily available when we need help, at just a phone call away! yes, we are sacrificing a lot to care for our parents, and I feel sorry that your sister is so incompassionate about your situation, and the way I look at it is, what comes around goes around, and in the end the scores will be tabulated!
2 people like this
• Canada
11 Mar 08
When the time comes to take care of my mom, coz my dad is passed away..I will gladly do it...in a heartbeat because she is an extraordinary woman who deserves care and someone that will always have her best interest at heart...I to have siblings that can more than help...especially financially, but they live far away so physically helping would be a problem for them... If in your situation I would simply ask if she can help, and explain the situation to her...tell her that you don't want to resort to social services or drain your retirement savings...and that any help she offered would be welcomed and greatly appriciated...if she ask what kind of help can she give, tell her its financial help, and ask her that anything she can give to make mom comfortable and to live in an environment where she is unconditionally loved and taken care off is priceless. Your sister has never had to worry about this because for 20 years you have taken care of it...its become normal to her not to worry about any care giving of your mom...reach out to your other siblings, you might be pleasantly surprised for the help offered or totally pissed...who knows, its a gamble worth taking...good luck, and good health to you and your mom... :)
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Mar 08
Thanks for you comment, but this sister is a money hungry, greedy person who was Mom's favorite when we were growing up. She got any and everything she wanted. I have tried to talk to her about Mom's needs but get excuses on why she can't help out or jokes that since I have all the experience, that I can take care of her needs when the time arises. I will make sure Mom is comfortable, because I would not be able to live with myself if it was any way else. My brother does help out emotionally, because I have been helping his family also. My brother & I have pretty much given up on my sister as she will never change and as "what goes around, comes around". she will be one lonely person some day, which is sad.
1 person likes this
@webeishere (36353)
• United States
12 Nov 08
Amen Rachelle. I am the same waqy. When dad fell ill and asked about me taking care of him I did not hesitate in the least. He has now been in my care at my house for 5 years. He has gotten a lot better from when he first got here due to my persistent attitude about ME being the caregiver and not him. These situations are rough on us caregivers to say the least. I suggest she look around for free help with a little care now and then or even have mom pay for a home health aide once a week as my dad does. My prayers and thoughts go out to her as well. HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB!!~
@dreamy1 (3815)
• United States
11 Mar 08
I don't think you can sue your sister to get money to take care of your mother, unfortunately taking care of parents is not a law. It's really sad that you sister doesn't want to help take care of her. Have you talked to her about how hard it is for you and that you need help? Try not to deplete your retirement fund because if something happens to you what will you do!? Find out what services your mother can get, if you belong to a church get help from them. Contact local and state agencies to find out what kind of support you can get. If there is a meals on wheels program in your area get that for her. Get her on welfare and food stamps if she qualifies. I hope your sister comes around. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@webeishere (36353)
• United States
12 Nov 08
Okay what does your mother feel about this whole situation? I have been my fathers caregiver for 5 years now. He lives with me. But luckily when I quit my job to take him in and care for him he does reimburse me the wages I was making. So finacially I am not in a bind as far as his care goes. As far as siblings go, this is their choice as well as their loss I feel. I feel all siblings should have a hand in the care of our parents when needed. be it financially or even just emotionally. A visit would be nice at least from them. How ill is your motyher? Is she to the point that she can't do things for herself at all? Check with some local senior clubs etc and ask about groups for support both emotionally and maybe some help caring for her. Dad has a health home aide once a week visit. They do his bath, nails, haircut, shave, chatting etc. It costs him just $30 an hour and the visits are usually ann hour long only. Good luck. Make some calls to see if theres help out in your area for this situation. HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB!!~
• United States
11 Mar 08
I'm sure you find a lot of us can relate to your plight beladona. We were forced to take care of my husband's mother for many, many years because noone else in the family would help out. Horror stories came out of the entire experience and our relatives live in the same town as us. Anyway - without knowing the situation, I can only tell you how we managed. We sought out every Federal assistance program we could find. From Social Security, to medicare and medicaid. Medicaid even paid a full time home health care agent to help out. We also looked into Home Hospice Care, Extended Home Health Care and anything else we could find to help us. After several years we ended up having to place her in a nursing home, but Social Security paid for it all. They even paid the rediculous $25,000, 1 hour session costs to have her declared incompetent so her own son could become legal guardian. It was a very long paper trail for us, but one I would do again if need be. It took us years to realize we couldn't do it alone. It only took a month or two to realize no one else in the family was going to help. The saddest part of all of it remains to this day, the number of times we have to listen to someone in the family say how much they did for her. I just tell them, "Yea. We all know how much effort everyone took", and I leave it at that with a contented smile on my face. We will always know who did what and it makes us better for having had gone through it. When she passed away is when they all REALLY showed up - to see how much of what they could cart out of her home. Hang in there bela, and see if you can find some help from outside the family.