I Love You For Who You Are, Now Please Change
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
United States
March 19, 2008 11:26am CST
That makes no sense does it? Well to me it doesn't.
This isn't the first time I have had this happen. I have fallen so blindly in love with someone and everything in our own little world has been picture perfect and then some self created beast or another rears it's ugly head and little by little my picture starts to crumble and fade around the edges.
I would like you all to think back to when you were first getting to know your boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, etc. and remember all the "little things" they did that made them so appealing to you. "Oh it is so cute the way they slurp their soup off of a spoon". "Oh it is so cute the way they never want to have an argument". "Oh it is so cute the way they change the pronunciation of words and sound like an idiot".
Now fast forward to today. Are those things still cute? Do you wish your sweetie would change and be someone other than who they were when you first started dating them?
Everyone changes. Isn't that like an unwritten rule or something? But what about the people who don't change?
What makes someone want to change someone they are with? What would make you want to change the very things you fell in love with about the person you are with?
Maybe it is just me, but if I found myself wanting to change my sweetie then I would have to reevaluate the relationship. What about you?
8 people like this
16 responses
@34momma (13882)
• United States
19 Mar 08
that is a most interesting post you got yourself here. i am no expert, but i think we want to change the flaws in people that we see in yourselves. I think it is just easier to see the flaws in other people. I think we as people don't like to be responsible for our own actions so we put them off on other people.
i have done this myself so i know what it looks like and feels like. I am on a new path now to change myself and instead of trying to change my husband.
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
20 Mar 08
I don't know. I am aware of what my flaws are. I have many. It is the things I do or how I act about certain things that make up part of who I am that people try to change that really bothers me. But what I specifically have in mind I can assure you is not a trait of the person who wants to do the changing. If it were, we wouldn't have an issue.
2 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
19 Mar 08
Poppycock and BullCrap. Only insecure people want or try to change things about the people they profess to love above all others. Insecurities are insidious things. We often don't even know about half the ones we have until something triggers them. And nothing triggers them faster than the bloom coming off the rose of a relationship. That's when it's really time to start paying attention to the realities of your partner's personality and character and less to thier affect on your libido. The bloom comes off that rose eventually too, and like everything else, takes work to keep it exciting. But the basic foundations of a person's character are pretty well set by the age of five, and only manifest with maturity. Do you really think anyone self respecting person is going to be able to shift their foundations so thoroughly for someone else, and be happy? No, no and no and it's all poppycock and BullCrap to believe otherwise.
3 people like this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
20 Mar 08
Agreed and seconded. I still love him as much today as I did yesterday but I am a bit surprised of his low opinion of me now when less than a month ago I was being referred to as HIS better half.
2 people like this
@jtownesquire (104)
• United States
20 Mar 08
Cyn: I will post this once and only once. I love you MORE now than I did before. I don't (and won't) love the fact that you consider your desire to flirt with people all the time a "trait" of yours. I respect you too much to engage it that type of activity. Apparently you do not feel the same about me. That is the problem.
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 Mar 08
Well if he keeps on at this rate my friend, you're not going to love him *as much tomorrow*. Email, phone, whatever you need. Hugs and good night.
1 person likes this
@rmuxagirl (7548)
• United States
19 Mar 08
I couldn't imagine true unconditional love wanting to change the person one loves. We're to love each other perfectly without wanting them to change. Granted my b/f has his flaws, but those flaws are a part of why I love him and makes him him.
3 people like this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
20 Mar 08
Exactly! My boyfriend isn't as saint as much as he holds himself out to be one to everyone else. He has flaws. If he didn't I wouldn't love him. I would feel inferior. I just can't understand why if someone loves someone as much as they say they do, why they can't accept them for who they are. The good and the bad.
2 people like this
@jtownesquire (104)
• United States
20 Mar 08
First of all, I don't hold myself out to be a saint. And, if you will recall, I have always held the same standards since we first met. You didn't seem to mind them then. You are the one who now feels my standards are too high. Not because I or they have changed, but because now your actions clash with them. You didn't have a problem with them when there was no conflict. Now you want me to change how I view things so that you can continue doing what you want.
1 person likes this
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
19 Mar 08
No, don't try to change the person that you are with. You can not make someone into someone they are not. My daughter just ended a relationship with a guy that said that she needed to listen to him more and that she had changed since they dated. He wanted to constantly call her and be around her and that is not the type of person that she is. She likes to be in her own space sometimes and he didn't respect those boudaries.
If you fell in love with someone for those little things that you thought were so cute, why would you want to change them?
I would not think that slurping their soup from the spoon was cute but annoying!!
3 people like this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
20 Mar 08
The soup slurping was an example. lol I find that annoying as well. But I agree, don't try to change the people you are with. If you are meant to be with them then you should accept them for who they ARE not who you WISH they WERE.
2 people like this
@Pose123 (21635)
• Canada
19 Mar 08
Hi cynicalandoutspoken, Finally someone who thinks the way I do about relationships! I have always wondered why, if you loved someone for the way they are, you would want to change them. It makes no sense at all and yet I see people doing it all the time. I believe you have it right. Blessings.
3 people like this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
20 Mar 08
We aren't alone as I am finding out by reading the rest of the posts here. It is slightly comforting.
1 person likes this
@karma118 (294)
• United States
20 Mar 08
In all honesty, I would change mostly everything about my husband! We were not high school sweethearts but middle school sweethearts... I have grown, and he has not. The things I found attractive in him before were distorted because I was so young. Don't get me wrong, I love him. He's my world besides my children, it's just that he hasn't grown much in his thoughts, emotions, or actually, in any way!! It is a bit disturbing. But hey, that's just the way life goes sometimes...
3 people like this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
20 Mar 08
I think it is sad that some people just stagnate and don't grow in their own lives. But you should be commended for accepting his lack of change and still being able to love him in spite of it.
1 person likes this
@chiyosan (30184)
• Philippines
21 Mar 08
This is a wonderful topic. :) Very very interesting and i think it does make sense, that sometimes the very cute things we always see in them when we are getting to know them are the ones that we wanted to be rid of.
I wonder why... I am no expert but i guess it is because the more we get to know a person, the more we want to see a better person in them. It is not those things that we used to love that makes them lesser person but, i think we wanted to see their growth in the relationship with us.
I am trying to see how i liked my past boyfriends and if i got amazed by some of their habits, etc that i started to be annoyed at during our relationsip. I only thought of one instance where i loved my ex being so persistent and he looked cute acting childish at times but when we had our relationship - that is the main reaon that broke us apart. I hated his being childish and i wanted him to think maturely....
I guess we can never tell what changes our preference have gone through. Maybe, its a constant process, never ending discovery of what we really wanted in life.
1 person likes this
@subha12 (18441)
• India
20 Mar 08
I am not into any relationship. nor i had been . But i understand the situation, when you first fall in love all these looks so cute. even there are many things that you do not like about the person and still try to adjust for the sake of love.but after sometime it seems really annoying. i think thus people should consider at least with these problems can it really be manageable?
@skinnychick (6905)
• United States
21 Mar 08
I don't want to change anything about my honey, that would ruin him. I love him just the way he is.
But, like you, I would definitely reevaluate if I wanted to change things about him. There are some things that guys just do- like leaving the toilet seat up and other stuff that makes them guys. You just have to expect that.
When stuff they do just grates on you, then the next move they make does the same thing (basically you are constantly getting annoyed) then it may be time to ask yourself if you really want that guy...
2 people like this
@michelyn (717)
• United States
19 Mar 08
If you feel this sudden need to change your partner into someone that they aren't, then yes, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. Too many times I've heard my friends complain about how much their partners have changed and they no longer really like the person that they have become. Unfortunately, more times than not, the change hasn't occurred in the partner but in the friends themselves. For two people to live a life together, each person needs to retain their own sense of individuality. The only problem with human nature is that we are continually changing and growing as people. Sometimes when two people share a life, they tend to start growing in different directions. It's usually during this time that someone starts complaining about the things one used to do, but that they don't anymore or start to become bothered by things that aren't new to the relationship. This is a time to reflect on yourself and notice the changes that have occurred within yourself. It's not always your partner.
If you choose to be with your partner, for life or whatever time you have, then you should be willing to either accept the person they have become or move along and find happiness inside of yourself before trying to be happy with someone else. 
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
20 Mar 08
I couldn't have summed this up any better if I tried to. I admit that I have changed but I thought my changes weren't nearly as significant as the changes I have seen in my sweetie but I don't try to change him back or love him less for the changes he has made.
I guess it is true, happiness is merely an illusion.
1 person likes this
@CoupleinLove (31)
• United States
20 Mar 08
if uwnt to change sumone then u dont love them for who they are. plain and simple. i guess there are sum things bout my wife i dont like all to much but i love her for who she is with all her falts and for the amazin woman she is.
if i ever fond myself wantin to chage sumthin bout the way she is then to me that would meen there was sumthin about her that i didnt love and since i love every inch of her inside and out i no that will never hapen.
1 person likes this
@idaantipolo (472)
• Philippines
20 Mar 08
There are certain things that we do not see or sometimes simply ignore it especially when were,too, much in love.
But as time passes, we gradually see the things we do not in the past.
@maddy_kool (25)
• Russian Federation
20 Mar 08
hi,
we tend to like someone with some charachters. if we won't get the people we wanted to because they don't exist as our expectations are very high, so we chose some people who almost fulfills our expectations and they might have some charachter which we cannot tolerate. we want them to change in that particular case in order not to lose the relationship because of that case...... i think u understood it, by the way it is the same problem with my girlfriend, she doesn't want to change but slowly i am changing her, the way i want her to.
@mansha (6298)
• India
21 Mar 08
In my relatonship I have found that as you discover the other person over time, you like somethings and then you do not lie somethings. I have gone thrugh so much in my life and over years changed as a person and may be thats why my expectations from him have changed and he also senses the change in me and so we have our differences but trick is to give each other space to be what they are and who they are. Thats the trick for successful relationship.
@sunshinelady (7609)
• United States
20 Mar 08
My husband and I have been married for 35 years and I have never in the past or present tried to change him. He is who he is and I have always accepted him unconditionally without expecting any changes. He is the man I love and married. I have heard some of my friends say before they got married that after they got married there were things they were going to change after they had the wedding band on their finger. I mentioned to them that they were headed for trouble even before they said the marriage vows. I don't believe in that kind of thinking. I married and loved my man for who and what he was. And it is still the same for me today. I wish people would wake up and realize that when you marry a person to expect them to change after you marry them is a little much to expect. Marry them and love them as the sweet and loving man that they are.
1 person likes this
