Saying "I love you" to my friends...

By Leca
@lecanis (16739)
Murfreesboro, Tennessee
March 19, 2008 10:41pm CST
This evening I've found myself saying "I love you" to several of my online friends, and it made me think about that. I mean it when I say it. I never say "I love you" unless I mean it, whether online or offline. I did so a couple of times (when talking to my mother" and it left a horrible taste in my mouth, and left me feeling horrible for days. Those aren't words I can say lightly or untruthfully. Yet, sometimes I wonder how carefully we use these words, and if we always understand what we mean by them. Do you always think carefully before you say "I love you", even when using it online in what would seem like a casual way? Are there people you can't say "I love you" to who expect you to say it? Does it make you feel horrible to say it when you're not sure you mean it, or can you glibly say those words to get what you want or even just to make someone else feel better?
12 people like this
32 responses
@chiyosan (29390)
• Philippines
20 Mar 08
i do say i love you to my friends but those are people i have known for years. when i say it i truly mean it. i dont just say it for the sake of saying it... :) i dont utter those words too just to make someone feel better cause that would be the same as lying.
4 people like this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
20 Mar 08
I agree, I only say it when I mean it. However, I don't necessarily say I have to have known the person for years... I guess I don't think in those terms because I'm out of touch with almost everyone from my early life. I agree that lying in that way, even to make someone feel better, wouldn't be good.
3 people like this
• New Zealand
21 Mar 08
Hey ya thats true.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
20 Mar 08
hi lecanis . Noooooo I have never said "i love you" and not mean it. As far as i can remember, off or online. If i dont "love" the person, I'll look for something to like or love about her/him and say maybe something like "oh i love your hair today!" I take the responsibility of loving a person quite seriously. If I dont feel it, Id rather not say anything even if it is expected of me to say it. It just wouldn't feel right and I know the person I'll be saying it to will feel that Im not sincere. I cant think of anyone who expects me to say "iloveyou" and I cant Saying "please" always (almost) works in getting me what I want Have a lovely day my friend. *hugs*
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
20 Mar 08
*nods* I will say I like someone, or that they are kind or I appreciate them, but not that I love them, unless I do. I take that responsibility too.
2 people like this
• United States
20 Mar 08
I can't bring myself to say, I love you, to anyone if I don't mean it. Those are words that I reserve for the people whom I feel closest too.
4 people like this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
20 Mar 08
I would expect no less of you. *hugs*
3 people like this
@kamran12 (5556)
• Pakistan
21 Mar 08
Hello lecanis!:-) This is a question, rather questions that have left me thinking many times in my life. Love is such a lovely emotion; I have always wanted to give my special respect to. I really don’t like confusion in this emotion especially when I recognize that there are many, many levels and types involved with it. Specifically, I don’t like that when I say it and mean it in a particular sense, the other person take it in slightly or totally different sense. Moreover, there may be, rather, IS possibility that I may love one aspect of someone’s personality and not the other and may even despise some other aspect. Saying that “I love you” in ‘totality’ would mean (for me, may not for others though) that I am approving everything about that person since how can I love one “as a whole” when I don’t like certain aspects about that person. It doesn’t mean that I am saying that the people who say it are dishonest, no, not at all; it is just my way of looking at it. So, out of my utter respect for this emotion and recognition of levels, I don’t say it! It may come as strange to you that I have never said it to any of my friends, in my conscience, and I don’t remember saying it directly to my parents either. I haven’t said it to even those friends for whom I would gladly lay my life. There is only one ‘adult’ person, I have said this to, and she happens to be my wife. I said it to her probably because I didn’t have fear that she will misunderstand what I mean or because I truly meant when I said. I have said it to many children though, probably because in my subconscious I think that they will not dishonor it or take it in some uncalled for dimension. Interestingly, I have said it many times for some people indirectly i.e. not in front of them but while talking to others about them. More easy and possible for me is to tell people, and my friends, that I love this and this aspect about them, still it happens fewer times than I would like to say. I do love my friends, lecanis, and I wish to say ‘I love you’ to them, but I don’t know why I can’t make myself say it actually!
3 people like this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
Wow, this is a very interesting way of looking at things. I guess, when I say "I love you", I don't think I'm approving everything about a person, but rather accepting it. I don't expect people to change in order to be someone I can love, and so when I say "I love you", I'm saying that I can accept all those parts about them that I don't agree with, even though they aren't perfect. From your standpoint, it would seem like a person would have to be perfect in order for you to say you loved them. (That's not meant to be critical, I'm just trying to figure this out.) I have, however, held my tongue when it came to telling someone I loved them because they might take it the wrong way, even if I meant it. Especially with friends, I have to be sure that they know I'm not being romantic with them, or trying to change our relationship in that manner. I've also chosen not to say that I love someone in order to keep them from using it against me, when I knew they were the type who would do so. I don't play the "If you love me, you will..." game. Ever.
1 person likes this
@tessah (6638)
• United States
20 Mar 08
i dont say it unless i mean it. it makes my skin crawl when someone will casually say "oh but we love you tess!" when i know it is said just that way, casually. i dont like throwing around the word "friend" either, and that seems to offend quite a few people on a regular basis. if my honest emotions dont make someone feel better, thats kinda tuff, i wont profess to something i dont feel to coddle anyone.
3 people like this
@Hatley (148744)
• Garden Grove, California
20 Mar 08
thats so good as it means you are not a hypocrite. I have had people say oh we love you and call on us anytime,and truth be known if you would call they would not be there after all.
2 people like this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
*nods* It makes my skin crawl too, tessah! I agree with you on the word friend too. If I don't really feel someone is my friend, I don't want to call them that.
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (21108)
• United States
20 Mar 08
I know what you mean, there are some I can think about off line that if I were to say, I love you, would be very hard.. Because of my beliefs, I do try to love everyone, even though they may not deserve it because I am loved and don't deserve it..
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
Ah, that's a whole other issue I hadn't thought about in terms of this discussion, the belief aspect. Thanks for sharing that with me!
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Mar 08
Well, I kind of had to share the belief part, because without Him, I am not a loving person..
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
I don't mind you sharing it! I can understand that one. I'm not sure I'd be near as loving a person as I am without my own beliefs.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (148744)
• Garden Grove, California
20 Mar 08
I really really try to be sincere when I say I love you so I do not say that casually or very often. I had learned the hard way that some people will say that to you the same way they say have a good day and in about the same tone. Its as if they are looking around to get approval or brownie points for being so darned loving. a lot like air kisses a lot of women give other women. they do not mean a darned thing just so much hot air besides they do not dare smudge their inch thick lipstick. I have some relatives to whom I really cannot say it as the words would stickin my throat. these ladies are the air-kissing type. When I saw one of her air kisses coming I moved back out of the way and was she red.
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
I do say it often to some people, but just because I can't resist (like my adorable son!). Eeek, those people freak me out!
@tessah (6638)
• United States
21 Mar 08
2 points to make.. 1st i also detest the false air kissy kissy faces, as well as the demand for a hug when you really dont wanna be all pushed up against someone that you dont particularly care for. in real life, or online. enter a chat room, and a bunch of people that youve known for 5 seconds are all (((((((HUGS!))))))) and then get all pissy and offended if you dont ((((((HUGS!)))))) them back. keep yer real and/or virtual mitts offa me unless i actually know you, and if i know oyu and still dont like you, dont get touchy feely with me either. im not gonna fake affection so you can boost yer damaged esteem and feel all important. 2nd im not going to force my child into giving out hugs and kisses all helter skelter either. if she doesnt feel like having her cheeks pinched or having yer hands all over her, thats HER right, dont get all angry because i wont make her allow you to maul her. back up and respect the ;waves hands; "personal space"
1 person likes this
@razcal2267 (15577)
• United States
20 Mar 08
I do not think carefully before saying "I love you" to someone. If I don't mean it I do not say it. I am not sure why or how but for me it is just that simple.
2 people like this
@Hatley (148744)
• Garden Grove, California
21 Mar 08
You already know your own mind and how you feel about others and its so neat to be honest. I hate to feel that someone who has said that to me really does not mean a word of it. Ihave some relatives who say that as easily as pass the butter and mean just about as much too. So it is really simple.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
Short and sweet, and so very simple. Wonderfully said, raz. *hugs*
@yona06 (585)
• Indonesia
20 Mar 08
I find it extremely hard to say "I love you" and "I'm sorry" to people I actually do feel that way about. I just start to stutter and I don't know why that is. But fortunately it's been getting easier for me to say "I love you" to my husband ever since we got married. Maybe it's a phsycological thing.
2 people like this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
Hmm... it's interesting that it's hard for you even when you feel it. I'm glad that you've been able to say it to your husband, though.
1 person likes this
@yona06 (585)
• Indonesia
21 Mar 08
Actually it's especially hard for me when i feel it. When I don't really feel it I find it isn't so hard at all. I know it's weird, maybe it's some kind of pre-marital phobia.
1 person likes this
• Canada
20 Mar 08
i think the words "i love you" is so overrated. i always hear it from friends... well, i always say it too and sometimes i mean it, sometimes i don't. often times, if somebody says "i love you", my tendency is to reply "i love you, too!" yeah... and for me, i think i can distinguish who is serious or not serious in saying those magical words. hehehe, like for instance, if it just came from a friend you're not that close to, you'll know that it's just a casual way of i care or something like that. i don't often say i love you to my parents. tho i know i should. i dont know why, maybe i'm just not used to it. and besides, i think if you really love someone, actions speak louder than words. so its better to show it than to say i love you everyday! hahah! and... like, i have a couple of friends who seldom say i love you. and when do say it, i just makes me happy cause you know they mean it.you know what i mean? lol. and yea, it doesn't make me feel horrible when i say it and i don't mean it, cause even if you don't really mean it, it'll surely make somebody happy!! boost their ego and all that stuff, cause you'll feel good when somebody loves you! lol.
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
You have a good point about the actions speaking louder than words, and the importance of showing love instead of just speaking it. I suppose different people have different ways of looking at the issue of saying "I love you" when you don't. For me, it's a major honor issue, for one thing, and I wouldn't want someone to tell me they loved me if they didn't, even to be kind. I guess I'm just weird that way.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (148744)
• Garden Grove, California
21 Mar 08
I feel that being honest is just plain necessary because if you just blurt out the words with no real meaning they are worthless and I think the other person will know that. to me the words I love you have real deep meaning and I am careful how I use them.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Mar 08
i love my wife n my kid oh yeh, and my momma. I dont go round sayin that to my buddys at the bar and other people im close to. i reserve it for only the people closests to me.
2 people like this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
I reserve it for the people closest to me too, but I see the people closest to me as different people than you do. That's natural, because our lives are different. Thanks for sharing with me!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
20 Mar 08
For me it is normal to say i love u to my friends.. But it is more normal if I say i love u to the one i love right? Saying i love you to your friends are not a problem .. Its just your loving your friends right? ehe
2 people like this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
No, it's not a problem, as long as you mean it. I was just wondering how carefully people thought about whether they mean it or not.
• United States
20 Mar 08
I say "I love you" to a lot of people. My husband used to complain about it when we first started dating. He would say "Doll, you love everybody, how am I supposed to know if you truly love me?" I told him that I love lots of people, including my ex-husband, for who they are and what they mean to me in life. I told him that even though I love lots of people, HE is the only one that I want to be with me for the rest of my life. Now I still say "I love you" to him often, but when I can tell by the look on his face that he took it as an empty "I love you", I simply say, "forever and always". Now THAT I only say to him. LOL
2 people like this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
Ah, that's an interesting way of putting it, ggf! I wonder sometimes how my husband takes it that I love my friends so much, but since I am "in love" with him, I guess that's what he gets specially!
@wolfie34 (26893)
• United Kingdom
20 Mar 08
I can easily say I love you to my friends, but when it comes to partners I just can't say it and mean it. My ex was forever saying it, mind you the way he said it was manipulative to get round me and when you constantly hear it day after day you know it means squiddly dot, FA! basically. I never said it once to him, sad. But looking back I don't think I've ever really really meant it, I've never experienced real love, the love that you get when you pine away, feel funny inside and feel sick when you can't be with them. Love is a rare emotion to me. I love my sisters and friends on Mylot truly that is honest love but it's a different kind of love isn't it.
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
I can understand not being able to say I love you to partners when you have trust issues like that. I suppose it's easier for me because my relationship boundaries between "friend" and "partner" aren't always so well-defined, so it doesn't seem like a separate thing for me to say it to a partner. Unless I say I'm "in love" with someone, which is a whole huge separate thing for me... and I've only been "in love" three times in my whole life.
@xixinha (141)
• Portugal
20 Mar 08
Their are sertan people that i can't say that to but i usually say it to all my freinds (that are girls) because here it is just normal. Everyone is joined together.
2 people like this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
Hmm, I can't imagine automatically saying it to all my friends. I don't think I love everyone I consider my friend, though I do like them all. Of course, I don't restrict mine by gender though!
@jeanniemay (1803)
• Philippines
20 Mar 08
Spread the love! - Love is like a light scattered all over.
I don't say it when I don't mean it. I can comfortably say it only to someone who understands and who has the seemingly the same wave length with me as to saying I love you is concerned. Not all people are comfortable with saying or receiving, "I love you." Others might maliciously judge you for hearing such from you. Personally, I make it a point to tell it to those who are comfortable with it and is used to it. So, shall I say, "I love you?" I mean, thanks, have a wonderful day ahead, I wish you good cheer and take care!
2 people like this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
You have a great point here about knowing how that person will receive such words, and whether it will make them uncomfortable. I have one friend I am very close to, and definitely love very much, but I don't tell him so often because he's not the kind of person who is comfortable with such things. You have a wonderful day too (or what's left of it I guess!).
@Ravenladyj (22992)
• United States
20 Mar 08
OOoh do I ever know what you mean about the whole nasty taste in your mouth..I get that nasty taste whenever my mother says it to me since I know she's beyond full of it As for saying it myself...I try to only say it when I mean it but for me its more in the showing that I love and care about someone thats important..talk can be cheap so if I really want someone to know or if someone wants me to know that they care actions speak far louder than words do ya know...And of course actions doesnt mean going out and buying me things or doing stuff for me etc etc..it could be just a simple "hey how you doing today" when I'm having a bad run or even just a "hi, hope you have a great day" for no apparent reason ya know..
2 people like this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
Heh, I should have known you would understand this one. You seem to live in my head anyway. You have a great point about showing love too. It's great to have someone show care for you, especially when you are down or whatever. Heck, I can tell my hubby loves me just because he does things like get my coffee for me some mornings!
@p1kef1sh (45645)
20 Mar 08
If I say "I love you" it is because I mean it. I too have said it to on line friends, people that I have never met, never spoken to, and in some cases people that I have never even seen a photograph of. But our communications have been such that I have been moved for their love and support to me. I am a habitual sayer of these three magic words to people that I have an affection for. I try not to say it glibly and never because I think that it is what the other person wants to hear. I tell my wife that I love her all the time. Because I do. Same with my daughter and my Mum and Dad and sister. My closest friends know that I love them. There are loads more that I like, but stop short of love. I think that you have to somehow experience something special together before you take that final step. Hope that helps.
2 people like this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
*nods* I don't think love is so limited that it can't exist in an online environment either! I try to say "I love you" often to the people I love too, because it is important for them to hear it. Thanks for sharing!
• New Zealand
20 Mar 08
Hey I think it depends on how well you know them if at all or weither you are just saying for the sake of saying it or not a.
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
Thanks for sharing with me!
@filmbuff (2909)
• United States
20 Mar 08
I use those words with extreme caution Lecanis, and I don't say it unless I really do mean it. Still I may feel it and not say it, because those words, when uttered can have some very unexpected, and often negative effects.
2 people like this
@lecanis (16739)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Mar 08
You have an excellent point. Sometimes even when you feel it, it's best to keep it to yourself.
2 people like this