What should I do?

@us2owls (1681)
United States
March 20, 2008 5:35am CST
My hudband died in 1993. In 1996 I got back in touch with my first love. He lived in the UK and I was in the USA. I was born and raised in the UK and moved to the USA with my American serviceman husband. I have a family in the USA - 3 daughters, 6 grandchildren and a beautiful great grandaughter. My man has no children. The only family he has here in the UK are a sister-in-law a neice and 2 nephews who he never sees. There is a step-son in Botswana. For the past 11 years I have spent more time in the UK with him than at home with my family. I am tired of the trans-Atlantic travel and we have talked about settling in the USA. Now he is finding excuses. He says he loves me but he doesn't know if he wants to give up the place he has known as home for 73 years. I am 71. If anything should happen to me my children would be more than happy to take care of him. Here in the UK he has no one to care for him. I have nursed him through 4 heart attacks, 2 total hip replacements and angioplasty. I want to be near my kids but dont want to leave him behind. What should I do? Hope someone has some good suggestions because I am at a loss.
6 responses
@gemini_rose (16194)
20 Mar 08
Any big move is really hard and he probably feels scared of what a big step it is at his time of life, I would be scared of a move like that too and so I guess its probably why he is finding excuses, trying to find reasons why he should not move. He may just need more reassurance, also once he moves it is final and he would not be able to come back home. Is there no way you could see if he would give it a trial run, try and work it so that you could go for a few months but then if he really did not like it then he at least had the opportunity to go home if he wanted. You would be giving up a lot more than him if you were to stay in the UK away from your family so if he really is positive that he will not move then you may have to leave him behind or else you will end up being unhappy. I think it will all be about compromise, meeting in the middle somehow, because it is a big thing for both of you. I really hope it all works out for the both of you, take care.
20 Mar 08
This is my thought as well, as I suggested above, that he went over for a period of say 3 months (he can stay for 90 days without needing a visa) and then he might find it easier to make the decision to move. But if he did decide to return to the UK after that time, I think that she would have to put her own interests first and make it clear to him that it would mean the end of the relationship. That might be seen as emotional blackmail, but I think that he needs a good hard shove to get him to make the decision.
@us2owls (1681)
• United States
21 Mar 08
He had a visa which allowed him to stay in the USA for 6 months and he has spent several summeers there with me for 6 months so it is not as though he is going into the unknown. I just dont know what has got into him because I know how he loves the USA
@jwfarrimond (4474)
20 Mar 08
If he does not want to move, and I can understand his reluctance to abandon evrything that he knows, then I can't see that you have many options. Can you not persuade him to go to the USA to live with you there for a short period? That may change his mind.
@us2owls (1681)
• United States
20 Mar 08
During the 11 years we have been together he has made many trips to the USA and absolutely loves it. He loves the summers because it is hot - he doesn't like the Illinois winters though and that is where my home is but we have talked about going south in the winter. After meeting all my family he knows they all love him and care for him very much - more than I can say for his stepson.
• United States
28 Mar 08
I know for a fact your kids want you home (me being the oldest of them). Mom I know you love him but you are going to have to think about yourself for once rather than him. If he loves you the way he says he does, then he will come around. If not, then you have your family and he really has no one. I love him dearly but you are my main concern and I am tired of seeing you upset all the time. Life is too short for that.
• China
21 Mar 08
Well, firstly I must say that you are great and very kind. I could see that you love me so much and would not love leave him behind and go back to USA spending with your relatives. I personally would suggest that you could talk with your beloved seriously regarding leaving UK for USA. If he loves you deeply, there is a possibility that he would go with you for USA. If finally you fail to persuade him to go with you, you could live with him in UK spending the rest of your life. If when you miss your kids , you could ask them to fly to Uk and pay a visit to you. This is alright. Just enjoy your life and good luck.
@mrsbrian (1951)
• United States
20 Mar 08
If it was me i would not move away and leave my family. it only makes since for him to move to where you are , but in saying that as we grow older it is hard to make big changes in our lives and you are asking him to leave a home he has known forever. I made a move to be with the man I love and left my children (grown) behind it was hard on me and I had to return luckliy he came with me and is very happy here. I would ask him to come and give it a try maby he would like it once given time.
@mark17779 (667)
20 Mar 08
You state that you have nursed him back to health after his illnesses, maybe he feels he has been a burden on you and does not want it to be like that and if was to move and live with you permantely he would be in that situation. His he a stubborn/proud man as this could be the issue also.... Is ettling in thr Uk not an option.