Relationships are hard right?

United States
March 27, 2008 10:38am CST
We all know that relationships are hard but, is it suppose to be really hard? I am in a committed relationship. My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year now. It has been mostly good and I've believed that he is the "one". We both have. But I feel that this year things have been rockier than before for both of us. We have a lease coming up and I'm wondering whether I should renew or not. I think that maybe, just maybe, things have been rougher lately because we are both wondering whether we should take it to the next level or not. I think that makes us both nervous. There's so much uncertainty. I guess that's life. We both love each other and want to make this work. But sometimes I feel like its too hard. Is that normal? I know relationships are hard, but are they supposed to be that hard? What do you think?
7 people like this
22 responses
@whywiki (6070)
• Canada
27 Mar 08
I have been in a committed relationship for 15 years now and it isn't hard it is just right. We are best friends and hardly ever fight about anything. I was in bad relationships before where hurt feelings and just bad vibes were present and it was just wrong. I think when you are with the right person you will know, it just feels right and it isn't hard it is wonderful. Good luck I hope it all works out for the best.
3 people like this
• United States
27 Mar 08
Was it always like that? Even at the begining? Because I've heard that sometimes relationships get better after some time has passed by.
2 people like this
@glamgrl (384)
• Ireland
27 Mar 08
i am in the best relationship i have ever been in for the last 7 years(we are married now) it was always good-he is my best friend but it did get better when i trusted him
2 people like this
• United States
27 Mar 08
that makes sense. I have trust issues that I'm trying to work on. Maybe that's part of the problem. thanks.
2 people like this
@jvego7426 (153)
27 Mar 08
I think it is normal. Its part of every relationship the thought of it being to hard, and the thought of not being able to continue. But what comes next to it is how you take the further step of moving on and conquering these odds together. Sometimes you feel you're exhausted with what you're doing cause he's always around and you 2 are always together. You don't want to be in a position that would want to go back and make a decision because you made it wrong the first time. So think about it, think about it really carefully. People tend to appreciate more the things they have once they are gone. But good luck to you and your boyfriend!
3 people like this
• United States
27 Mar 08
thank you.
2 people like this
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
27 Mar 08
Relationships as they get more comfortable will often go thru many ups and downs. Sometimes they will be dull and routine and other times you just get on each others nerves. Sometimes it will feel as if life would be easier or better without the relationship. They are work in that you have to constantly pay attention and make sure you don't let things get too dull or too routine. you can't let little things snowball into big things because they can easily. And you can't ever ever take each other for granted. You say you love each other and are happy most of the time. To me, it sounds like a relationship worth the work. Best of luck to you both.
3 people like this
@aowaow (1517)
• Indonesia
27 Mar 08
Marriage. You feel want to secure that part. I know how your feeling is right now. You may mention or give some signals on the conversation, to see how he reacts on your argument. If he stand on confusion, then it might be a nervous for every men. It's natural. So, if you want the answer, try to confront him directly. Good luck ^_^ Maybe he is waiting for your confirmation (of signal).
3 people like this
@wickedangel (1636)
• Dominican Republic
27 Mar 08
All relationships need a little work and there are times when you think you have plunged to the bottom and then something just makes you smile and that warm feeling percolates throughout your body and you say 'yes' this is it! Talk to him about the bit that made him make you nervous earlier in the year, let him understand what his actions made you feel. Talking does help. Take yourself out of your relationship and imagine yourself without him by your side, how do you feel? Try and step back and look into your real heart of hearts - what do you feel? Don't think what you want to think, think about how you really feel....:) Have faith in yourself, respect yourself and then see if your love for him and his for you are still the number one things in your life. I lived without my BF for over 7 years - long distance love is very hard, then when I moved to Spain to be with him we had some really rocky moments - he had never lived with anyone long term due to his work and he wasn't used to losing a bit of his independence, doing everything he wanted when and how he wanted to do it - it was easy to do it for a short time but when I was still there after months, he sometimes felt caged in. We chatted and argued but we are still together 4 years on! Don't give up on yourselves too quickly but then again don't feel pressurised in staying in a relationship that you are not feeling happy about. Good luck honey!
• United States
27 Mar 08
Although things have been rough lately, it has been mostly good. Thanks for the response it was very insightful.
2 people like this
• United States
27 Mar 08
My wife and I fought almost every day when we were first married. Adjusting to another is very hard. We just celebrated 5 years and we love each other very much and hardly fight 2 times a month now and they are brief and lack the passion of the early years.
2 people like this
• United States
27 Mar 08
Yea I've heard that too. I've heard that many times relationships get better after some years have passed by. And I think that it will probably be that way with us. I'm still trying to get used to certain things that I've never dealt with before and I think that in time I'll be more prepared to deal with certain things involving him. Thanks for the response!
2 people like this
@sizzle3000 (3040)
• United States
27 Mar 08
You have been living with your boyfriend for a year now and it should not be getting harder it should be getting better. The way to a good relationship is good communication. Have you two sat down and talked about the next step? I have no idea what the next step will be you are already living together. I think that if you two sit down and talk about what both of you want out of life you will find things go much smoother. You are already sharing all your extra time together. You must remember that you are both individuals even though you are a couple. Becareful that you do not loose yourself while being a couple. Talke about how you will handle children when and if they come. Talk about who will take care of the kids. Will you stop working to be a full time mom. Would he have a problem being the soul bread winner of the family. Who will handle the finances. You should talk about how to save money as well as how to spend it. My husband and I talk about any purchases that are over $50.00. This cuts down on problems. Money can be a relationship killer. A good healthy relationship is not all good times. There are tough times too. A good relationship is not always a 50 - 50 partnership. There will be times when you can only give 20 percent and he is giving 80 percent but that is normal. A good relationship takes time and work to keep it good.
• United States
27 Mar 08
thanks for the response. The next step would be for us to get married. What confuses me is that I have never felt for anyone else, the way that I feel about him, and he feels the same way about me too. I think it all started when we both got into a huge fight around the beginning of this year and I felt threatened by him. He didn't do anything but I don't like it that I felt like that. It took me a while to get over it and... now that I'm thinking about it... I don't know if I am over it completely. Hmmm. Maybe that's the cause of it all! I want to be with him and I love him though. I'm so confused.
2 people like this
@chiyosan (30206)
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
Yes. it is hard. Everything must have turned out to be negative at some point in your relationship. but when you come out of it, it is the sweetest thing if you are still unshaken and are loving each other more. I believe what you are going through right now is just normal. You need to know first what is causing the tension between you too, pressure are always there and now that you are living together, it might have opened doors for release of these... you need to be sensitive when it comes to each other's feelings more than what you are used to. I hope it will turn out well for you and your partner. Always pray for guidance and everything will be fine.
2 people like this
@mbs730 (2152)
• Canada
28 Mar 08
Let me tell you something, no matter WHO you are with.. at first and even for a while their best behavior will show and you will probably subconsciously will be too. But since you both know you are seriously committed, you are starting to see his real self which may not be bad but hey, we are ALL human and no one is perfect right? And you are probably getting overly comfortable too, and its all normal! Relationships ARE hard but when you really know someone extremely well, its even harder! And I am not going to lie to you, it gets harder once you are married.. there will be habits that all of a sudden pop up from him that you have never seen before that you won't like and it becomes even harder if you choose to have kids. I am not trying to scare you and I know you are afraid enough as it is about taking the next step...but I am telling you from experience because I have been there! And I have seen this with others too... and yes there WILL be rocky moments in a relationship and those can be the test. When it comes to moments like this, you need to weigh the pros and cons about your man. Yes he has flaws but we all do.. but do the positives about him outweigh the cons? You both need to talk about whats really bugging.. both of you, don't do anything that you are not ready to do but be honest with him about how you are feeling and encourage him to do the same. I hope this didn't upset you in anyway but I am telling you what happens the more you know someone who you are involved with and I wish you the best of luck!!!
@mememama (3077)
• United States
27 Mar 08
I think if you are second guessing yourself, you need to ask yourself why? Do you think you'd be happier without him? Do you want to get to the next level? I know with my husband, we lived together for awhile before marriage, and it just felt right, like it just flowed from one step to the next. Sure there were stressors like bills, jobs, nosey family-but it just seemed to fit.
2 people like this
@glamgrl (384)
• Ireland
27 Mar 08
no i dont think relationships are supposed to be hard if you have to work that hard something is wrong i think
1 person likes this
@glamgrl (384)
• Ireland
27 Mar 08
would you like to marry him?
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Mar 08
Yea i would. And I've never felt like that about anyone else before. I've been in other serious relationships but this is the only one that I can actually see as having a future with, despite the good and the bad.
1 person likes this
@glamgrl (384)
• Ireland
27 Mar 08
thats great!you should concentrate on that.have you told him yet?
1 person likes this
@sugarfloss (2140)
• Malaysia
28 Mar 08
hey candiec2005!Relationships aren't always sugar and spice,everything nice.It is hard.I'm sorry things are rocky but it'll only be a matter of time before it gets well again.Trust me.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Mar 08
Thank you.
• United States
27 Mar 08
Believe me, they are hard. Read my post in Relationships and you will see what I am going through. They say that once you live with a person, that is when you will see the true person and it is a big step living with eachother and your now talking about taking an even bigger step by getting married. Is he on your lease? Make a nice dinner and dim the lights and have a nice one-on-one conversation regarding your feeling about getting married. Most-likely it is nothing more than nerves. Best of luck.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Mar 08
Yea he's on my lease. And we've both talked about moving in to a house when the lease expires. He's also said that he's been thinking about us getting married. What's weird is that he said this while we were fighting. That's why I feel that maybe the fact that we're both thinking about it, has made us both edgy. Maybe.
1 person likes this
@shynie (556)
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
Yes, indeed it is hard! I have been in your situation, too. I've been in a committed relationship for six years. We lived in together for 3 years. We love each other so much and everything seemed perfect, but came a time things got rockier than ussual, tried to save the relationship but at the end of it all we called it quits. Now, I am pregnant with his son but we stay good for each other as really good friends. We have realized a lot that we did rush into things and that we needed the space to really think if we are really meant for each other. My heart is crying out for him, I need him, miss him and love him so much, I am broken but I have to stay strong for the baby we are expecting. Someday, we thought so, that if destiny will lead us back together then we say that we are really meant for each other. I am not closing my door and I believe having the baby is a blessing and it could be some reason for us for something that is meant to be.
@ruby222 (4848)
28 Mar 08
Totally normal!! a commitment to oe perso a a huge step to take. There has to be a lot of give and take,acceptance of each others opinions,learning about each otheres likes and dislikes...oh its a minefield. Initially its incredibly difficult as you feel that you are trying to please everyone but your self. But as time goes on ..it becomes a lot easier... Yes...relationships can be very hard...but they also can be very very rewarding. The very best of luck xx
1 person likes this
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
i say, relationships are always cool at first but when time moves on it turns to dust like everything in this earth do. but we have the capability to avoid making it to dust. base on my expirience, we give and take, get closer to each other but not that close. it is important to give air to one another to keep the relationship breathing. let each one miss one. and also we never stop exploring ourself and our surrondings.. thats what makes us prolonged enough. hope this one helps
1 person likes this
@skysuccess (8882)
• Singapore
28 Mar 08
Love is never stagnant, it is like a dough, constantly remaking and renewing itself. You believe that the changes on your environment and circumstances might bring about some changes in your relationship. But the truth is love is an inside thing rather than an outside job. You cannot always assume that a relationship means plainly spending more time with each other, assume that he will marry you eventually, assume that he has got to have no time with anyone but you, assume that everything will be alright taking his words as a full guarantee for future committments and hoping for the best from there. Well, I think we will need to relearn this because we have confused assumptions as expectations and as a result you will always think you know what a relationship is, but it will appear more like a stranger placed blatantly in front of your face and you suddenly realize that you cannot recognize the shape which you have always reckoned it to be your love. I think you need to unblock this linear thought about love and relearn to love your relationship like a child. We should try to relearn by eliminating the linear mindset i.e. love is irrevocable, quit thinking that this relationship is years in making, quit thinking that you have contributed and/or invested far too much, and thinking that you would not be able to live without him. Communicate as if you have never spoken before, with honesty, eagerness and encouragingly. You will need to be able to let the other party speak out openly without holding back and fear. Always finding some means for him to be able to exude that level of frankness. Basically, it is to have a heart to heart talk minusing the finger pointing, guilt presurizing, emotional speech and malice. Understand the relationship from his perspective and perception. Try and enquire from different angles, seek to understand the struggles which are not transparent and had taken place right beneath your nose. Always seek to learn to learn your relationship from an alternative perspective and not view it the way like you always do. You can only move forward when you have established a willingness and a "YES" from him to this relationship. It must not be a diplomatic Yes, but a Yes straight from the bottom of his heart. Then, and only then can you seek out the problems that is affecting the degenerating factor to your relationship and effectively removing the source thus solving the problems.
1 person likes this
@subha12 (18453)
• India
28 Mar 08
relationships are always hard. there are many ups and downs there. you do not know what is coming when,. but both should be ready for anything and still not get bored from the realtionship. have good talk and you will be again on right track
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Mar 08
It is a scary concept to take your relationship to the next level. I think that all you two are feeling are the stress. It will work out. If you two love each other and keep the lines of communication open it is worth the uncertainty that it sounds like you are having at this point. Yes, that is life. There is nothing that is one hundred percent certain in life. But if you don't take the chance you miss out some wonderful things in life. I think you and your honey need to take some time and go off and have a mini vacation together. Enjoy each others company just for the sake of enjoying each other. Renew the way you felt when you first met. And you will see things will fall in place.
1 person likes this
@Bethany1202 (3432)
• United States
27 Mar 08
Of course you're right: things are hard, relationships are hard, life is hard -- and people are always going to have doubts about everything, but if you feel in your heart he is the right one and you love him, have been living together for a year, etc, why not discuss your fears and thoughts with him? He is probably feeling the same. It will do you wonders to air your thoughts and get his opinions, and see what's going on inside his head.
1 person likes this