Is there as sell by date on your marriage

@p1kef1sh (45642)
March 30, 2008 7:50am CST
My wife and I have been married for 21 years and love each other as much now as ever before. We are very tolerant of each other's foibles and it has never crossed either of our minds to seek solace elsewhere. However, I constantly read about couples splitting up after 20 or 30 years marriage to seek their fortune with younger lovers. Is this a Peter Pan complex, marrying someone younger than me will make me younger too. Or are we not really designed to be monogamous?
6 people like this
16 responses
• Regina, Saskatchewan
31 Mar 08
Yes. And the date was March 25, 2008. Or thereabouts. I didn't mark it on the calendar. I envy you and your wife P1ke. I really thought that would be my life too. I made the wrong choices for all the right reasons, and am living proof that monogamy is not part of our design. Not because I condone cheating, or have done it, but because we all have the capacity to fall in love, truly and deeply in love, more than once. How we treat that love is what makes it work and keeps us monogamous. I gave both of mine my best, and still it didn't work out. But then, monogamy takes two.
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45642)
31 Mar 08
Although I think that you are doing the right thing, a small part of me grieves for you too. I am a lucky man whose life has been enhanced by my relationship with my wife and my (and our) friends and families. But it is a fragile thing that can vanish in the blink of an eye. Take care.
3 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
31 Mar 08
Thanks P1ke. No worries about me, ok? I've had my share of lifes up and downs and yet here I am still, smiling, laughing, loving my friends and family, and determined not to be defeated by life ever again. I'm a survivor. I've never been in doubt about that! LOL
@ruby222 (4848)
30 Mar 08
A snap situation here!!..but we have been married for 34 years..nearly 35....im 52 but i certainly dont want a younger lover!!1...id have to take lessons with what to do woth him now!! Hubby n i were chatting about this this morning funnilly enough...and we decided thsat after all these years we maybe get along better than ever now!! Why fix it if it isnt broke?...is that what they say!!!lolol
@p1kef1sh (45642)
30 Mar 08
That's lovely. I have learnt some new things on here actually. We have our moments but I have never wanted to go elsewhere. Anyway, who else would put up with me?
2 people like this
@ruby222 (4848)
30 Mar 08
Well you said it!!!lolol..no i jest....but its good to feel comfy with someone....hubby says security means the world to him.
2 people like this
@skinnychick (6907)
• United States
2 Apr 08
I'm not married so I can't let you know about looking for someone else. When I was married to the completely wrong guy..ugh...it was boring honestly, for the both of us. By divorce time, he did his thing and I did mine we just knew that we weren't right for each other. I don't really think people are designed for monogamy either. I don't believe we are wired that way. We are animals after all..animals who need our needs met all the time. If they are not met, then we try to fix the situation any way we can. It may be "working" on the marriage or it may be going out of the marriage. Marriage is a strong committment and most people regret it when they make it. They make it out to be something that it isn't. But- there is an exception- if you are lucky enough to have married your true love then I would venture to say that you would never ever step out of your marriage because your need for love is met. True love is very rare and I don't believe everyone finds it but when they do they hang on for dear life. Love forces monogamy on you in the sense that you would never dream of looking for someone else because you have everything you need- just look at your wife and you'll see what I'm talking about!
1 person likes this
@p1kef1sh (45642)
2 Apr 08
I don't think that humans are necessarily hardwired for monogamy either. Perhaps if my wife and I were less tolerant of each other we wouldn't still be together, who knows? But I knew that I would only ever marry once, and I was lucky enough to find the right person. But a marriage has to be worked at - and we do. We used to say to each other "you know where the door is" and we have both been through it before, and come back. But when things were very bad for us, and there have been a few times, we stood together, and from that comes renewed love and faith and trust.
• United States
2 Apr 08
You both sound like a great team. Many more years to you both!! :)
@mrpippo (756)
• United States
31 Mar 08
i think a lot of people just fall out of love after so many years , everyone is not built for long term love
1 person likes this
@p1kef1sh (45642)
31 Mar 08
There may well be some truth in that. I used to say that marriage was a bit of a habit. Easier to keep doing it than change.
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
31 Mar 08
i think if you are happy with y our wife you'd be wise not to even ponder this question. if not peter pan then gilligan syndrome....it is common. don't go there. stay with your wife. it is not greener on the other side.
1 person likes this
@p1kef1sh (45642)
31 Mar 08
I will have to believe you about it not being greener on the other side. But it was my wife that set me thinking about this. She asked me the question yesterday about a British broadcaster who had left his wife for someone younger.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Mar 08
Honestly, I think you're quite wrong. Many people get divorced after 20-30 years because they were never happy to begin with, but they had kids and they didn't want to upset or uproot their upbringing, so they wait until their children are adults. Sometimes it's a conscious decision, sometimes they don't realize they don't like each other until they no longer have kids around. These people don't always marry someone younger, many of them remarry their own age. Sometimes, but not as often, it's a mid-life crisis thing where they do seek younger partners to try to make themselves feel like they're not really getting old. And no, humans aren't hardwired to be monogamous. That's a myth invented by Judeo-Christian religions to keep marriages intact to produce heirs and continue bloodlines. None of that is pertinent anymore, so more people are living their lives the way that makes them happy, not the way their told to.
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@p1kef1sh (45642)
30 Mar 08
I think that you are confirming what I already know. But my question is really aimed at those that break up and head of in the direction of younger lovers, not their own age or older. I certainly wouldn't deny that there plenty of people that fall into that category. Like you views on monogamy. They are mine exactly. Because I am happily married it doesn't mean that I think that human are all like that. Our instincts tell us differently.
1 person likes this
@Breath (1298)
• United States
30 Mar 08
Congradulations you seem to be one of the few people who knows when it's not broke don't fix it.Sounds like you have a beautfiul relationship.People just tend to throw away something good for something they think might be better.The grass is not always greener on the other side.I am happy that your so happy.Keep holding on to what beauty you have in your life.Let the rest of the world fade and do whats right for you and your wife.
1 person likes this
@p1kef1sh (45642)
30 Mar 08
Thank you. I must stress that we're not perfect by any means!
2 people like this
@mummymo (23709)
31 Mar 08
It is wonderful to hear that you and your wife are still very much in love sweetheart! I think some people get disillusioned that they are still having to work through things after so long and want perfection so go looking for it in all the wrong places - we all know there is no such thing as perfection! An lot of people seem to think the grass is always greener on the other side and don't realise til they cross to the other side that actually they have thrown away everything they really wanted! Do you think sometimes it is something to do with the kids growing up and that is all that was keeping them together, that instead of spending times building their relationship and getting to know each other all over again they decide to just move on? I dunno but I do hope that in 10 years when my partner and I have been together as long as you and your wife we are still as much in love as we are now! xxx
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Apr 08
"Or are we not really designed to be monogamous?" Pike, I believe we are. The fact is however it is very very hard to do. To many people look for the easy way out. Marriage is not easy by any sense of the word. I mean with raising families and working, not to mention most of us boomers have or have had to take care of ailing aging parents, the stress of just living makes it difficult for a couple. My husband and I are working on our 28th year, and as I have said many times to younger folks here in mylot when the subject of marriage comes up is that it has been hard work. There have been a few times through out the years that I would not have given you a nickel for our marriage continuing another day. But But then something would happen and we would fall in love with each other all over again. Now at this time of our lives I just think we are so settled and comfortable in each other and our own skins, that the thought of looking outside of our marriage is just unfathomable. It would totally shock me if my husband felt any different then I do now. Of course there is always that possibility. There is no one that would put up with his A$$ now other than I :))))) And vice versa btw :)))
@p1kef1sh (45642)
2 Apr 08
I don't have anything to respond to that Angel except that I agree with you completely, although I do think that not all humans are monogamous and that is OK, for them. Your final sentence is so true of us too. My wife used to say of me that I was her charity work! LOL.
• United States
2 Apr 08
LOL Angel! That was funny!
• United States
8 Apr 08
I do not deserve a BR for this response, I am just telling you all the truth. Marriage is work. Hard at that. Pike I thank you for the BR regardless. You know. :))))
• United States
31 Mar 08
The most beautiful marriage I've ever seen is Kip and LaFawndah's wedding. I'm sure that they will stay together forever and a day and they are an inspiration to us all.
@p1kef1sh (45642)
1 Apr 08
I am terribly sorry but I have never heard of the people that you mention. However, I hope that they have a long and happy marriage. Thank you.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Apr 08
I hope so too. Thank you for caring.
@agfarm (930)
• United States
31 Mar 08
Dear p1kf1sh.....I could not dream of not Being Married to My Husband. We can finish each other's sentences..... we do tolerate each other's differences. It's one of the Many things which add spice to our Marriage. I know my husband is a terrible flirt , but that's O.K. because he was that way when I met him. I think that if you don't try to change your mate....you learn more about life , and you grow by that learning experience. I commend you on 21 years , that's wonderful !!!! This August will be only 12 years for me....But it doesn't feel like it's been that long. I still chase him around the house , just the same ( perhaps More ) as I did on our Wedding night. He's still One hott fellow and I let him know that as often as possible. Congrats to you my Friend !
@p1kef1sh (45642)
31 Mar 08
Sounds like you've got everything there. I flirt too. But it is my wife that I jump into bed with. You are absolutely spot on about tolerance. I think that some couples think that something happens the day you get married and that we become different people. We don't. but we have made a vow to love and commit ourselves and we have to learn how to do that. It's like when you have your fist child. The baby doesn't come with a handbook, you have to learn, usually making quite a few mistakes along the way. So it is with marriage. Thank you.
@agfarm (930)
• United States
1 Apr 08
Dear p1kf1sh.... your words are very kind. Thank you & God - Bless !
@novataylor (6572)
• United States
31 Mar 08
You're lucky, p1kef1sh. You and your wife seem to have the best marriage, really. You two made the right choice, clearly. Not all of us are that lucky. And 21 years is a long time to be with someone and not want to stray for those greener pastures or younger bodies. My own marriage is about 3 weeks short of 12 years and we are still good. Not as good as I'd like, but definitely better than most I see. We still get along, and on so many levels are two peas in a pod. I'm feeling like I need a bit more these days and am working to sort that out. This very topic has come to mind recently and I'm sorting that out too. And it's on my end that it's come. But I also think that it's natural to get those feelings from time to time. I don't intend to act upon them. I flirt and that tends to satisfy me and I'm not really worried about doing anything that I'll regret. As to the question of monogamy specifically, I don't really think that we're programmed that way. I think it's human nature to want more than one lover, to be attracted to people you see or meet in your life. Whether or not you act on that is where it can get sticky. I want to see my 21st anniversary. That's my answer and I'm sticking to it.
@p1kef1sh (45642)
31 Mar 08
I want to see you hit your 21st anniversary too sweetheart. That flirting that people do is great and I think that it can help us manage our feelings too. The important thing I have found is to not cling to each other but let yourself grow. I don't think that we are necessarily monogamous either. But you don't have to be a nun or monk either and you can still have a successful marriage.
• United States
31 Mar 08
How can you be so doggone smart and so sexy too? You're a wonder.
@olivemai (4738)
• United States
31 Mar 08
I can understand it! It may be that the couple has not had any intimate relations in quite a long time! For me, it is the respect or lack of it that matters! In some cases, having an open relationship is the way to save the marriage if it is worth saving! Remember, people change and may end up so different that the couple is not longer compatible! For others, it is retirement that rears it's ugly head! I have heard that men are often lost in retirement, following their wives around with no knowledge of how to keep busy! Again, for me, it is the way I am treated that determines what I do in the long run.
@p1kef1sh (45642)
31 Mar 08
Of course. Not every day has been smooth sailing by any means, and there have been our moments too. But overall, we have managed to keep going and gong well. But you have to have respect and love.
1 person likes this
@olivemai (4738)
• United States
4 Apr 08
I agree! It is like any friendship, not always perfect but needing lots of forgiveness and understanding! It is a good idea to try to put yourself on the other person's shoes to see how it feels every now and then!
• China
1 Apr 08
I am so happy to know that you have a wonderful marriage. Hearing about failed relationships day by day, I don't even have courage to have one. I don't think it is age that makes us old, but the attitude to life.
@p1kef1sh (45642)
1 Apr 08
Thank you. Don't let other peoples misfortune put you off. Go find a partner. Good luck.
• United States
31 Mar 08
It seems like, if there was a sell by date and people cared, we would put forward that little extra effort to hide the can at the back of the newer ones. So little effort--but it requires us actually being aware of what is around us.
@p1kef1sh (45642)
31 Mar 08
Very profound. I really had to think about that reply. But yes, I think so.
• United States
31 Mar 08
Well I have only been married only 1 year tomorrow,but we have been together all of 5 years and I have never thought to go find someone else,my husband is gone alot,5 days or more per week and people tell me "oh just do it he would ever know",but I would know and thats not the way I was raised,I believe people can be monogamous,its just having self control,because we ll look at other people and make comments,but that don't mean to out and betray your marriage vows and in my thinking which I have been hurt alot by cheating,I say if you don't wanna be with just one person don't get into a relationship and hurt someone if not need be.
@p1kef1sh (45642)
31 Mar 08
Firstly, congratulations on your Anniversary tomorrow. I hope that you enjoy it together. Life isn't always simple though and things can occur to make the marriage harder. The important thing is to rise up and deal with it without letting irreparable damage be done to your relationship.