You can't have both parents at your wedding what do you do?

@winterose (39918)
Canada
April 2, 2008 3:00pm CST
children who are products of divorce face this situation more often than you may think. the parents are divorced and do not see eye to eye. But now the daughter or son is grown up and they are getting married an occasion that should be one of the best time of their lives Yet they know they cannot have their divorced parents in the same room with each other because a fight will break up. These children know the routine oh the parents promise to behalf themselves, for their child's special day, maybe it was a graduation, or a bar mitzvah, a concert at school whatever but try as they might they just can't get along and there is always a fight with name calling or worse. You as the child have gone through all of this in the past you know the result, but now it is your wedding (your wedding not my wedding but your wedding) what do you do, you love both your parents and you want both of them there, ask them to behave is useless you know they can go only so long with out getting into it so what do you do?
8 people like this
23 responses
@foxyfire33 (10009)
• United States
2 Apr 08
Well my own parents have been married for...going on 38 years...so I have no actual experience in this and it's hard to know about things unless you've gone through them. BUt my thought is...if they can't get along for one day, my special day, then neither would be invited. I have no idea if that's really practical in real life though. Since I am divorced I can give that perspective...my kids are a long way from getting married but my ex husband and I will be just fine. We may not be married to each other but we are parents together. There have been a few times where we were so close at one of our children's functions that people didn't know we were divorced and when they found out thought we should get back together! My oldest daughter's father and I are a totally different story but that's because he's an idiot and a jerk! According to her, he will not be invited to her wedding and if he does show up, a fight will break out because she, my ex husband and I will be throwing him to the curb lol!
3 people like this
@GardenGerty (102534)
• United States
2 Apr 08
I love your answer. I like the phrase that "We are parents together".I am glad your daughter can see what is real and what is not, and her father is not real, as he is "an idiot and a jerk."
1 person likes this
@foxyfire33 (10009)
• United States
2 Apr 08
My ex-husband has been around since my daughter was 8 months old. He is Daddy to her and she refers to her 'father' by his first name. (she's only 12 by the way)He actually had the nerve to tell her that she wasn't allowed to cut him out of her life because he HAD to walk her down the aisle when she got married...that was when she told me he wouldn't even be invited. His loss, his fault. He walked out on her when she was a baby, he had nothing to do with her until she was 7, he treated her like she was worthless once he had a son.
1 person likes this
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
3 Apr 08
Well, maybe telling them I would disown them both if they cause a scene would be enough to work or not let them ever see their own grandbabies when they came..Seriously I would want both there ut maybe I would have them on separate sides of the room and keep them separted throughout the ceremony and reception so nothing happens. Or have one to the wedding and one to the reception. That is what I would tell them. Or they both could stay home and watch teh weedding on a recorded video after it happened. But with parents like this it might be best to elope..lol
3 people like this
@butsikik (21)
• Philippines
3 Apr 08
if you really want your parents to attend your wedding, you have to really speak to them as an adult daughter or son.tell them that you want both of them to be there on this very special occassion. you want to see your parents be part of witnessing you becoming one in a family. they may not see eye to eye with one another when they were married and now divorced but they must have seen eye to eye to conceive me as a daughter or son. the decisions of a wedding are not in their hands but on the bride and groom. this will be the best gift that they can ever give you on your wedding day is for them to be present and think of the bride and groom and not of themselves.
2 people like this
@winterose (39918)
• Canada
3 Apr 08
when questions ask you, the reader you have to answer I would do this or that, it is important people will give you butsikik a negative rating if you do not answer the question as it is asked, you have given a general answer the poster wanted a personal answer, what would you butsikik do? I didn't give you a negative rating because you did say me, once in your discussion, thanks for responding, I only want you to always get positive ratings so that you will have the coveted blue star everyone wants.
@TriciaW (2441)
• United States
2 Apr 08
We had that problem when my daughter got married with the new in laws. My ex husband and I both get along and knew there was no question that we would sit together in the front pew. My daughters father in law to me called her and told her divorced parents don't sit together. She said well mine are. The hassle went on and on so at the rehersal I talked to the future mother in law and my ex talked to the future father in law and we just told them they are adult this is their sons wedding they can sit together and be nice. We thought all was set and everyone was on the same page. The day of the wedding came and we were just getting ready to walk up when they decided to start the crap and weren't sitting together. I was furious. I turned on them both my finger wagging saying.. you will get up in that front pew I don't care what your feelings are. This is my daughter's wedding and you will not mess it up. The look in my eye told them not to even think about messing with me. After a few more instructions up the isle they went and we made it through the wedding. So it is possible but takes a lot of attention and a stern mom that has an evil look!!!
2 people like this
@winterose (39918)
• Canada
3 Apr 08
oh my good for you, that put them in their place.
1 person likes this
@babykeka80 (2003)
• United States
2 Apr 08
They can either behave or they can both stay home. If they are that ignorant and immature they neither one should have the privellage of attending. I heard a really smart comment by a tv/radio host one time "cant you love your children more than you hate each other" I have always remembered that and think its words that people like that should live by.
2 people like this
@winterose (39918)
• Canada
3 Apr 08
excellent response. Yes they should love their kids more!
@Rozie37 (15503)
• Turkmenistan
3 Apr 08
If they are too immuture to spend one day under the same roof to see me get married, then I will not invite either one of them. This is the only way to make it fair. Fighting or not though, I wish I had at least one parent still alive.
@Bethany1202 (3432)
• United States
3 Apr 08
My parents would probably get along (that is, avoid each other!, which is fine with me) ... But if they would cause a problem and I absolutely could NOT have both at my wedding, I would invite the one with whom I was closer, and that would be my mother. She has been there for me and helped me countless times when my father just doesn't give a crap. My situation is easy, but I realize other people may be equally close, as they should be, to their mother and father. That would be a very tough situation.
2 people like this
@moneyandgc (3430)
• United States
3 Apr 08
My parents have been married for almost 31 years now. My husband and I are both divorced and between us we have 8 children. Neither one of us will have a problem being at the weddings of our children with our exes. If it were my wedding and my parents couldn't behave they would both be kicked out! They are adults and should act like it for their child!
2 people like this
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
3 Apr 08
tough spot to be in. Luckily my girls did not have this problem. When my oldest got married she had her dad and stepdad and me....seperated from both there and both their familys and mine. it all went well. I don't understand the arguing that continues on after a breakup.
2 people like this
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
3 Apr 08
forget the hassle I Would just elope!
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (102534)
• United States
2 Apr 08
I go away on a fabulous cruise, skip the fancy wedding and have two separate receptions, one with each parent. They will have to just deal with the fact that they have made it impossible to have a traditional wedding.
• United States
2 Apr 08
my parents wouldnt do that if they had to go to my wedding and both be there, but if they want to be like that then neither can come or they can deal with it, i have a stronger relationship with my mom, but i would like both parent to be at my wedding.
2 people like this
• India
3 Apr 08
hey according to me u should call both of them but at different timings.i mean tell one to come early and other one to be late .request them this inorder to have both of them present at the day and not feel bad about it.as this is the way everything works fine.
@winterose (39918)
• Canada
3 Apr 08
remember this is about you so you jhonymax2cool should call both parents be careful how you answer the question some people will give you a negative rating if you don't answer it as it has been asked,
@TiffanieC (827)
• United States
5 Apr 08
I let my parents know that I didn't want any drama. My father also wasn't speaking to any of the rest of his family either (let me tell you I spent HOURS working on seating!) and to double it up.. I wanted BOTH of my parents to walk me down the aisle. Both parents were to agree to the terms or not come. It was their choice and I just set the ground rules. Simple as that. Luckily both parents were wonderful and there were no fights or drama with any of the family. I had actually considered hiring security but didn't waste the money.
1 person likes this
@aretha (2538)
• United States
5 Apr 08
well iguess if they can't behave for her day then neither would be there. i had this issue with my father and step father so when i did do something i would tell my step father he couldn't come and i owuldn't invite my real father. i know its not that simple but i never got along with my father and he wasn't invited when i got married.
1 person likes this
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
4 Apr 08
I'd try to talk some sense into them again, and warn them that if they just so much as give each other a dirty look, i will personnally kick them out of the church/restaurant/reception hall/photography studio, wherever we are at the moment, they will be BOTH kicked out of my wedding. It would break my heart, but at least i won't spend my life regretting inviting my dad instead of my mom or vice versa. It is up to them;if they want to attend my wedding, ENTIRELY, meaning ceremony, pictures, reception, then they must behave or they will be sent home ASAP.
1 person likes this
@twoey68 (13651)
• United States
4 Apr 08
My parents divorced when I was 5 so I know all about this type of thing :) I have been married twice. The first time my Mom was there, my Dad didn't even know about it for months afterward. The second time neither was there...my Mom was sick at the time. If it were possible to have them both there, it would be nice. If not then, I'd still have my special day. Thankfully, my Mom and Dad have mellowed with age and they seem to get along better now that I'm older. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
@saundyl (9690)
• Canada
4 Apr 08
quite honestly i'd elope. I'd rather say ok I want a small wedding, maybe inexpensive even...so and so and i are eloping, if you want to you can throw a congrats party separately when we return. That way I wouldnt have to choose one parent over the other - i love them both and they'd be hurt if i chose one or the other. This way If i dont say hey you arent going to get along for one day...im not going to hurt them either. But then I'm at the point where I have certain family members right now if i get married i dont want them there and rather than upsetting everyone I would just elope and say hey guys i got married last weekend. I dont want a big todo though.
1 person likes this
@Celanith (2334)
• United States
4 Apr 08
My situation did not occur at a wedding but at my oldest son's high school graduation. Both my and my husband's parents were divorced. He wanted ALL his grandparents there. He invited them all. My dad arrived minutes before my mom. She started in and I took her aside and firmly told her. Mom, I love and respect you. But this is my son's special day he wants you all here. This is NOT about you or dad or your feelings. Deal with it. From there on she was fine. About a year later she asked my dad to come down and house sit for her and her new husband when she had to go be with her brother who was dying. They were friends until my dad passed away. My father in law however when he arrived late and saw my MIL there did not stay to shake his grandson's hand which really hurt my son. My husband called him afterward and told him how rude he was. He wanted to condemn his ex wife. My husband finally got in an edge. Both his dad and mom were Christians. As are we. Finally my husband asked him. So dad when mom gets to heaven before you or visa versa are you going to turn to God and demand "Why is she here"? His dad said, point well taken and after that he behaved himself. It was his second wife who didn't like encountering the first behind everything we learned later.
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
3 Apr 08
My daughter-in-law's parents were divorced, but she had them walk her down the aisle, so that is a no brainer. As for the spouses of her parents, they were there too and were included in the wedding party. It was an amiable divorce on both sides, so there was no fights. Why when before my son and daughter-in-law were married, we had dinner out at their favorite restaurant. So I believe if there is a divorce, that the ones who bore the child should be at that offspring's special day and try to avoid spitting at each others. After all, that special event may never happen again.