Calling all children of divorce

@mom4kids (658)
Canada
April 4, 2008 6:31pm CST
I have friends who are seperated and are going to be divorced. They have 3 children. Ages 9, 7 and 5. The mother who currently has the kids doesn't think that a divorce will affect her kids. I should also say that the divorce is due to infidelity on the mothers part. She is currently with 'the boyfriend.' They are not living together but he comes over for 'booty calls', and the kids know if moms door is closed then don't go in. I am not a child of divorce, I don't really know people who are children of divorce. I can't believe that it doesn't effect kids, so is my friend being naive or does it effect children? I'd really like to hear responses from actually children of divorce but I welcome people with kids who have gotten divorced as well.
3 people like this
7 responses
• United States
5 Apr 08
I find it hard to believe anyone in this day and age would be so naive as to think it will not affect the children, and I have to tell you I also have a major problem w/ this woman having "booty calls" while her children are home. Tis not my place to judge but that alone will totaly screw up those kids heads. I am child of divorce 2 times, and from that thru counseling I have learned that was the reason I chose men that would not be good to me, for I didnt feel I deserved it, why would I both my dad's left me, it had nothing to do w/ mom cuz as a child every thing is about "me". Then as an adult we understand it had nothing to do w/ us but by that time deep down we already have our image of ourselves planed out. I have been divorced 2 times and it had taken me 10 years to figure out and find a signaficant other that hasnt thrown up "red flags" as the counselor called them. Now after dating this man for 2 years we plan to be married and I'll tell you, it scares me still, but as he said he is here to say and when my oldest son told him you are just another one of mom's b'friends so stay out of family biz, he replied, I will marry your mom and be the family biz. That comment of my son came from no "booty calls" in the home or even shows of affection around my kids but 4 boyfriends in 10 years, now think of how awful the coment could have been if I had done things differently. I dont see that there is a chance of saving the marriage,unless she is willing to stop seeing this other person and the husband is willing to truely forgive her but one shouldnt have the children be the cause of staying together unless the children can witness the love of their parents, she has to get a grip and give the kids time to adjust to no dad at home before she brings someone else in, or there could be major problems with her kids in the future.
@mom4kids (658)
• Canada
6 Apr 08
To all you have responded, the husband wanted to stay with her, and did forgive her but she wouldn't stay, also they are christians and have raised her children according to God's standards so far, but now suddenly she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong even though it goes against her beliefs, she is justifying everything in her head. The marriage was not bad, she just didn't love him anymore. He is a good provider, didn't beat her, he actually thought they were fine, she blindsided him. She says she had not been in love with him for a few years but never talked to him about anything that was bothering her.
• United States
6 Apr 08
If she no longer loves her husband, then I guess divorce would be the best, although my sister went many years not loving her husband and then one day it all came back, she explained it like a circle, there are good and bad times, but as the circle the good always comes back, they have I believe 30 years behind them now. Please let her know that the divorce is going to be hard enough on the kids, but if that must happen it can be worked thru, what is going to hurt them the most is the boyfriend in the bedroom. I dont know if the children are boys or girls, but she is setting a girl up to be loose and when mom says that is not a good thing she can come back with and you doing so and so while we were home and you were married was, for the boys they could think any woman they choose will do the same as their mom and all will have major trust issues, kids are smarter than we give then credit for, they know what is going on. Please for the kids sake tell her to get a sitter and go to his place if she needs a booty call. Good luck and I believe we will all pray for the children in this one.
@mom4kids (658)
• Canada
6 Apr 08
We have told her all this, she has 2 girls, one boy. The kids know what their mom is doing is wrong. Remember they are christians, and have been taught such things are wrong. They told their dad that they don't like when the boyfriend stays overnight and the door is closed, that what mommy is doing is wrong. Pretty sad when 3 small children know when something is wrong and the parent doesn't! I believe she is just trying to justify everything in her mind. I think it could mess up with the kids' beliefs in God because their mother has taught them one thing their whole life and now is living in a way contrary to what she has taught. Please pray for these children!
• United States
5 Apr 08
I am a child of divorce and she con't say it won't effect her children because it will in a huge way.You figure them kids have had their father around their whole lives now its gonna be like maybe every weekend or every other and that can be hard to deal with.Most divorcing parents will one time or another say something bad about the other parent which also takes a toll on the children,it makes them confused,and then they will blame there selfs no matter what the parents say.Take it from someone who knows,divorce is never good on the kids.
@mom4kids (658)
• Canada
5 Apr 08
thats what we tried to tell her when she had made up her mind that it was over. It didn't help, I think she is trying to covince herself that it won't because she doesn't want to feel guilty and she wants to be with this new person.
@chiyosan (29438)
• Philippines
5 Apr 08
of course it has and effect. children, whatever age they are in will always feel the pangs of a divorce, or parents deciding of leaving each other for good.
@gemini_rose (16193)
5 Apr 08
I recently went through a hellish patch with my hubby, the one thing that stopped me from throwing him out straight away was the effect I knew it would have on my children. I knew without a doubt that it would be the worst thing for them to have to go through. The way their behaviour changed and their personalities changed while the bad things were going on was enough to tell me. I still loved him and even though what he had done was awful, I knew that I could try and work through it, and so I did partly for me but mainly for my children. They are now back to their secure happy selves and that is fantastic!
@sacmom (14315)
• United States
5 Apr 08
I am a child of divorce. My parents divorced when I was 10 years old and it hurt like hell. However the pain I felt eventually went away. Divorce may affect children in different ways depending on things like the child(rens) age(s), but it does affect them nonetheless.
• United States
5 Apr 08
If she really thinks that a divorce won't affect her children, she really is in denial! My parents divorced when I was 16. Even though I was older, it was still hard for me. You don't know who to align with...and parents will usually try to make the children choose a side to take. That is completely wrong, of course, but parents do it. I divorced when my child was very young. I don't think it bothered her until she was older. She always had the rest of the family, including both my parents, to interact with. When she was older, though, she decided all on her own that her Dad wasn't worth knowing. I never told her that, either. I know how hard it is for a child to be made to choose sides. But, no, this lady is oh so wrong!
@minnie_98214 (10574)
• United States
4 Apr 08
Well i can say it does affect the kids my kids have had to go thru it. And well their dad left me for an 18 year old he had never met. She moved in with him and the kids we so upset by it all. I had my current husband move in but not for a awhile. It took along time for the kids too except that we were not gonna get together again. She need to be careful her kids are not stupid they will figure it out. My kids still have some anger about him leaving me like he did and they are 8 and 7.