What should I do?

United States
April 12, 2008 12:39pm CST
My mans mother is causing a lot of problems. She calls every hour, she comes by our house just to see what we are doing. She texts the cell phone over and over when we don't answer it. We were all supposed to go for vacation in June to Oregon to see his sister, but his mom got all the plane tickets except mine. Now, I can't go. She does his laundry but won't wash mine when its in the basket as well. We don't see eye to eye because I feel like she won't allow him to grow up. He is 24 and we live on our own, yet she still has to know where he is and what he's doing at all times. She does everything for him, which at first I thought was simply Motherly, but now, it seems a bit odd. Last week she told him he had to choose between me and her. He refused to choose. She calls my grandparents and tells them that they need to MAKE me move out and come back home to their house. She talks to him about other women that would be more SUITABLE for him. She is very angry with me because recently, we started handling our own money and finances, which until then, she was picking up his paychecks and giving him an allowance of $20 every two weeks! I said that I felt that we needed to be more independant and handle our own money, and he agreed, and now she has been giving me hell about that! She says Im trying to get him to turn his back on his family, that Im trying to pull him away from her. Its not that! Its just that I feel we are adults and its time to act like it. Time to live like it! What do you all think is really going on? And how do I get him to see that he needs to stand up to her and be a man now? I feel that he will never grow up as long as he has a choice NOT to. Nobody would ever grow up given the choice! What do I do???
2 people like this
17 responses
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
13 Apr 08
Wow! She's really a control freak! I feel for you! My ex mother in law was that way! Man, her and I butted heads for years. She said awful things to me and the last time I ever went to her house I had three bloody noses because my blood pressure was up so high! I don't know what to tell you. I just finally refused to go see her....and ended up getting a divorce. I never did anything right for that woman! So I know what you are going through...I wish you the best of luck finding resolution to your problem with her!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
12 Apr 08
If your husband loves you he will back you up in everything...Tell him how you feel.If I was him I won't go on that trip without you. It was on purpose that his mother did that. Talk to him heart to heart. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you are not asking him to choose but asking him to be by your side. He should be the man of the house and nobody gets left behind on something they want to do as a family. In-laws can be real bad I know my mother in law hates me a lot but I don't give a $hit. She gave promises to my mom she couldn't keep. She made his son what he is now. He doesn't work and it's because of his mom. But all this time I got my husband to side with me because I know he does loves me.
1 person likes this
@Lillith (775)
• United States
12 Apr 08
Ohhhhh I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I have had similar issues in the past but nothing to the extent you are describing. She sounds abnormally obsessive over your partner and everything she is doing certainly sounds geared to hanging him with her apron strings. To his credit, he has refused to choose her over you and he does seem to be willing to talk with you about this horrendous problem. Honestly, she sounds like she has some mental issues. I would say to you, from the voice of my experience, you need to MOVE as FAR AWAY from this evil woman as possible and do it as SOON as possible. Another state would be preferable, but if that is not possible, then try to make arrangements to at least live on the other side of town from her or away from that town entirely. Sadly, it seems that she views you as the enemy in the little drama she has going on in her head and there will be little, if anything, that you can do about it. She is already trying to steer him in the direction of other women. And what was she doing with the REST of your man's paycheck beyond the $20 allowance she was so "generously" allowing him to have? I am so sorry, but this woman needs some serious therapy and until she gets it, your life can be peaceful only if you and your man are living AWAY from her. Good luck sweetie
@maddysmommy (16243)
• United States
12 Apr 08
You need to sit down with your husband and talk to him about all of this. He needs to stand up to his mother and tell her that he is NOT a child anymore and to BACK OFF. He should never have to choose between you two because you both play different roles his life and YOU are the first PRIORITY in his life. If he doesn't see what you are saying then I think it's only going to get worse.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
12 Apr 08
I am sorry that you are going through this. I recently (well if you call recently 7 months ago) moved in with my fiance and his family. His mother does his (and my) laundry and gives us money to go out to eat. She mothers him but only to an extent and tells us constantly that we need to get a job. I suppose that isn't very relevant to your own troubles. Is he the only child? It seems as if you have a mother who doesn't want to let go of her baby. He needs to show his independence and let her know that you and him are a couple and now and live away from her, that she needs to stop mothering him. I think that this will be the only way to let her know that she needn't not mother him anymore.
1 person likes this
@jillmalitz (5132)
• United States
12 Apr 08
Oh my, she is going to be a real problem forever. As I see it you have 3 choices. 1. Tell her nicely that you would appreciate it if she would stay out of you and your guy' business. 2. Tell your guy to get a backbone. He is allowing her to run his life and in so doing enabling bad behavior. 3. RUN for the nearest door! Unless your man becomes independant of his mother you will never get anywhere. She has a strong hold on him and he apparently can't or doesn't want to tell her that his is a grown man with his own life to lead and that if he need help or advise he will ask. If it were me I would lay down the law and be prepared cause I dont think he will change. At that point it would be him or me. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@sedel1027 (17868)
• United States
12 Apr 08
You just need to talk to him and explain how you feel. Maybe he just doesn't know how to tell her how he really feel or how to be an adult because she has always taken care of him?
1 person likes this
@rev1wendy (613)
• United States
12 Apr 08
Wow, bella, that is a bad situation. He needs to grow up or you need to move on. What do your grandparents say? Talk to him and see if he will go on a different vacaation with you. Is he an only child? I left home when I was 15. I was an only child and felt suffocated. She needs your prayers. I have pity on that woman. I have 2 grown sons and am honored by the men that they have become.
1 person likes this
@towongfoo27 (2989)
• United States
13 Apr 08
If I was in your situation, I would try and set some boundaries with this person. She sounds very intrusive, and what she is doing and how she is acting is uncalled for. Sometimes our parents need to parented, albeit by thier own children, whether through marriage or blood. I have issues with my own mother, and it is tough setting boundaries with her, but at the same time, if I don't she will walk all over me. It would be neat if there was some sort of online class per Mylot that could instruct a person how to set boundaries. That would be cool, yes? In addition, if you don't put your foot down, your husband might not respect you.
• United States
13 Apr 08
Here is a great book I offer on this very difficult subject, it is entitled, "Boundaries When to Say Yes When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life." The authors are Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I highly recommend these two authors and this book. Here is a link to the book, http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310209749
@writersedge (22579)
• United States
15 Apr 08
I would move at least 100 miles away. Then I would use the answering machine to screen calls. I would talk to her once a day, maybe or once a week. Some people are control freaks. I had to tell a friend good-bye because when her family stopped letting her be a controling nut to them, she went after me. 30 emails one am, then 30 in the pm and then I blocked the beginning of what I'm sure would have been 30 again in the evening. Then she sends me stuff in the mail. A card, fine, but then long letters, more than one at a time saying that she thinks she hit a nerve and I have problems, etc. So I started sending her letters back. Her sister had told her the week before to stop sending 30 emails at a time. She told me that her sister has problems. Yeah, her sending 30 emails. So good luck!
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
13 Apr 08
We ALL have choices and my choice was to grow independent from mommy and daddy. He obviously is choosing not to. Maybe it is just habit. You say she does your laundry? Why do you guys bring it over to her as opposed to bringing it to the laundrymat? As far as managing his money....he should have been doing that a long time ago. The only way he is ever going to be free from mommy's wing is if he is entirely independent from her and does not rely on her for a thing. The choice is his own. That does not mean that he has to shut her out of his life. My kids that are grown do not depend on me at all. Occassionally my 21 yr old or 22 yr old will ask a favor or for help but for the most part they prefer to handle their own things as they should. They are my very best friends. I can now enjoy them without feeling responsible for them and it is wonderful. Your man would be doing himself, his mom and their relationship a huge favor by standing up and being responsible for himself.
• United States
13 Apr 08
OMG!!! That has to be just awful! Last Thanksgiving my mom told me I could come to the family dinner but my husband could not. There was a situation that happened between my husband and I (I'd rather not get into it) but he and I reconciled and everything was better bewteen the two of us. My mom had made me choose between her and him on that day, and I chose him. I told my family as well as my husband from the time we very first got together...if either side made me choose then the person who made me choose would 'lose'. No one should have to chose like that. It is not their life. It sounds like mamma needs to cut the cord. Whatever the reason she doesn't like you is needs to be put aside or she is going to end up losing her son! What has he said about all of this? Have the 3 of you (4 if his dad is in the picture) sat down and try to talk about this like adults (cause that's what ALL of you are)? What has your man done about all of this? It really is his responsibility to handle the situation cause it is his mom! There is only so much you can do! I wish you well in your journey and hope all works out for u and ur man! gl
@corallo (14)
13 Apr 08
no way, effort to be reserved...
@bayness0 (281)
13 Apr 08
Your man is a child - you have got to dump him as he is only after a surrogate mother
@Stiletto (4597)
13 Apr 08
Wow! When I first started reading your post I thought it was just a classic case of a mother refusing to realise her son is a grown up now. The bit about picking up his paycheck and giving him an allowance threw me a bit though! That's pretty extreme!! I'm wondering if there is maybe something else going on here that you don't know about. How long have you known him? Has something maybe happened in his past that makes her this paranoid and controlling? It just seems like a really weird way for her to be behaving. A lot of mothers have problems "letting go" but this constant monitoring of his movements and trying to control his finances is not normal. He really needs to find some backbone and stand up to her though. I mean - why is HE still going on vacation to Oregon when you aren't?? And she's still doing his laundry? If I were you I would be telling his mother straight that she is not welcome in your home until she changes her attitude, but I have to say if I was in your situation I would be more concerned about his behaviour rather than his mothers. Why is he accepting all this?
@monyq83 (26)
• Australia
13 Apr 08
Wow you really need to tell her to butt out! Sorry sweetie or else she will be there hanging over your heads for the rest of your lives!
@AmbiePam (45738)
• United States
13 Apr 08
Oh honey, I sure hope some older, more experienced woman answer (I'm answering from my e-mail), because obviously the problem is him. He should have set boundaries for his mother years ago. The trouble is, short of an ultimatum, and most people don't respond well to those, I don't know what to tell you to make him man up. But I wish you the best of luck. He's doing you a great disservice to let his mother treat you like that.