should I let my kids go? I need advice!!!

United States
April 16, 2008 8:33pm CST
Ok I am currently going through a divorce, My husband lives in Colorado and met and our girls live in Michigan. Now he hasn't seen his girls now in three months and before that he has only seen then a total of about a month if hes lucky out of the last little over a year. He never calls them unless its a holiday or something like that. he has sent them one box with some Easter candy and some clothes for my oldest but the only thing he got the youngest was a stuffed rabbit. he has only seen the youngest for a month out of her whole life and shes 2 months. I filed our divorce about 2 months ago and he didn't contest anything when I put on there I wanted physical and legal custody. Now today he tells me he wants to come get the girls on may 9th and keep them till July 2nd. Now I want more then anything for my kids to know there dad BUT he is living with his girlfriend in Colorado who they do not know at all He lives with her and doest have his own place. The girls have never been away from me like that and what freaks me out is the fact that hes living with this girl and they don know her. I dont like the idea of them going down there not knowing who this girl is at all and he refuses to bring her up here for a few days so the girls can meet her and maybe get comfortable with her. I dont think there going to be happy there but dont want to tell him no I just dont know what to think or do I'm scared for my girls not even his family knows anything about his girlfriend and the ONE time I did talk to her she sounds like a trouble making B**** they dont even know anything about his life down there and they have pretty much disowned him.....what do you all think?
5 people like this
18 responses
@jamie08 (430)
• United States
17 Apr 08
Honestly i wouldnt let him take them that long. I mean he never sees them and you said that he never calls about them unless its a holiday. Why now why does he want them for so long if he hasnt had interest in taking or talking to them before. If you dont trust his girlfriend then i would allow visits with out you being there because you said they have never been away that long and you know they will miss you and want you not to be with them. Well that is some things to think about i hope you make the right decision, Good Luck and God Bless you and your family
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Apr 08
His words the other day when he was talking to me about it were and I quote "Its getting nice out and everyones got there kids outside and it makes me so sad. I just miss them" ok but what about all winter long??? when its winter time and you dont see everyone out playing with there kids you dont miss YOUR kids??? It didnt dawn on me when he said it but after I got off the phone it did and I was like wtf???
1 person likes this
@jamie08 (430)
• United States
17 Apr 08
ya that is stupid. In my opinion he just wants to show your kids off to his new girlfriend and everything. But its honestly your decision. You can read what people say and everything but it still all come down to what you feel would be in the best interest of your children.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Apr 08
Well your oppinion is the same as mine. my moms, my boyfriend, his parents, my grandma, my sister etc... and yes its up to me but I wish sometimes he would just fall of the face of the earth...is that bad?
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Apr 08
Do not let your kids go. If you do your setting yourself up for an emotional rollercoaster with your kids. I would be suspicious of him if he hasn't been wanting to see them and now all of a sudden he wants to be the day of the year. F that.He also has a girlfriend that you nothing about, and he expects you to let the kids go for about to months with a woman who could be crazy. And with parents kidnapping their own kids... I would say no. I don't think that children should be kept away from thier father but in this case I would trust your instinct and do what's best for you and your children.
@mnflower (1301)
• United States
17 Apr 08
I had to take back my last response because no she should not let the kids go any father that doesn't pay child support and says that he doesn't even know how he is getting the money to get there then that would make me wonder how they would get fed and the emotional rollercoaster she has already endured is enough...you need to keep your children and keep that confusion away..if he can straighten up and find the money to come and visit than fine but until then they should stay with mom..
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Apr 08
I take back what I said before, about letting them go ovethere for at least two weeks, I don't think so sweety if he wants to see them he needs to go to your house I mean even his parents have a bad opinion about him, heck no I wouldn't risk it, I think the big question is why now after all this time, and the weird part he doesn't want to go to your house with his girlfriend, right??
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Apr 08
thats how I feel but its really hard to tell him no or not for long cause he has a cow like im doing something wrong and hes perfect.
@mnflower (1301)
• United States
17 Apr 08
I think that it is your responsibility to let the kids see there father, make sure that if you agree tell him that if the kids want to come home early that he needs to bring them back right away and make sure that the kids call couple times a week so that you know that every thing is fine, but even tho he has a new girlfriend they will have to get to know her if that is who there dad is with and yes it will be hard on all of them but at the same time it will give your children and all yourselves a change to get along good and show that no matter mom and dad are not together does not mean that we all can't get along and be happy for the sake of all you kids.. and maybe if there father gets to spend some more time with them then maybe he will more reluctant to be more of a father figure in there lives and send them more clothes etc and see them more often...give him and his new girlfriend and a chance don't take this from his or you and your kids I think this will be a growing and rewarding fulfilling task....whether you think his girlfriend is a b or not don't we all think that way of our ex's girlfriend yeah so instead of just thinking that why not give her a chance maybe she could become your friend..my 3 kids mother and me get along awesome we talk weekly and sometimes daily...
• United States
17 Apr 08
But the main problem with that is he cant just bring them home. For one he told me he doesn't even know how hes going to get the money to come to Michigan from Colorado and he doesn't know how hes going to afford getting them back, the best he could give me is he will try to do it, his parents say hes just blowing smoke anyways and they dont think he will come get them. he never calls the girls but maybe once every two weeks and he lives so far away its not just one of those thing where he could drop everything and bring them back. and we definitely cant afford it since were the sole supporters of the girls (me and my boyfriend) there dad pays no child support and doesn't even send the kid anything. theres no court ordered child support yet but I have told him he should at least send them a box of stuff every once in awhile just cause..I dont know .....um...they might like something from there dad....or they well at least my oldest my youngest is 21 months so she doesn't know him from Adam but she would love to get something from her dad and he doesn't even do that the last and only box he sent was for Easter and he didn't even send Peyton the youngest anything but a stuffed rabbit. I dont want anyone thinking that I dont want the girls going to see there dad i do want them to see him but the situation with him is so shady I mean isn't it weird that not even his own family knows anything NOT ONE thing about him they know nothing about his life I dont know about you but I talk to my mom at least 2 times a week he doesn't talk t even his sister.......something fishy to me would you want or feel safe about sending your kids to a place no one knew about..plus his girlfriend just had a baby (not his) that hes supporting while not supporting his kids at all.
2 people like this
@mnflower (1301)
• United States
17 Apr 08
Well then my above is one I would have to take back cause if he is not paying any child support and he doesn't even have the money to come and get them , then I would want to wonder if the kids will be fed and for sure have a place to stay, I was not aware of all that was going on and for sure I would not let them got for 2 months especially to someone who is not paying any child support it takes alot to raise a child and him just taking them and telling you that he doesn't know how to get there then I would just say sorry if you want to see them then you can start paying child support and show me that you can get my children there save and back without any questions on where the money is coming from...Sounds to me that you should follow your heart dear and AGAIN MY ABOVE IS ALL WRONG IN A SENSE. yes if he was paying some child support to help and be able to make it save to get the children there without problems i would say sure for a week only two at the most but for sure not two months...I think I would keep your kids home and if he finds the money to get there then he can spend some time right there where you know you will have food and clothes there for them...
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Apr 08
yea I didnt explain to much in the first place I guess but I figured my replies would explain more.
• Canada
18 Apr 08
If I were you I would NOT send them to him. You said your 2month old has only seen her dad for a total of one month? Well just for that fact I would say no. My daughter is almost 2 and has never met her father because he has had no interest and when I filed and got custody the judge also gave him Supervised visitation under my disgretion for the simple fact that my girl doesn't know him and that can be very tramatic for a small child. And for all you know this new woman of your exes could want to try to keep the kids. I definitely would NOT allow your kids to leave with him until he has established a proper father/children relationship with them. For you daughter to go to her dad at 2 months with no contact with her mother isn't a very good idea either because he wants them til july and in that short time you little girl could start speaking and start calling the other woman mummy. Just doesn't sound right hun. Make sure you really take your time thinking it through ok Hugzzz
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Apr 08
well my youngest is 21 months and only seen him for a month total not all at once. I do agree with not letting them go I just dont want him to be able to say I have denied him time with the kids, I just wish he would get off his high horse and think a little about the kids but hes all about himself, thats one reason our marriage didnt work.
1 person likes this
• Canada
19 Apr 08
If I were in your situation I would tell him he can come visit the kids until they know him better or take you back into court. I bet the judge would side with you.
@munhozmib (3853)
• Sao Paulo, Brazil
18 Apr 08
Hello! Your kids are your kids and his kids as well. They have all the rights to meet their dad once in a while. If my mother got divorced, I'd like to see my father as often as I see my mother. Now, if you are so afraid, tell him that until July 2nd it is a too long time. Tell him that until May 16th is fine, and if the kids like living there then they can go back until July 2nd. At least, you'll know how is everything going. It is actually a lot of trouble when you have kids and get divorced, isn't it? Respectfully, Munhozmib.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Apr 08
yes its very much sucks going through this crap but its better then still living with a pathological liar. and did you read the other post from other people (at least my replies) it explains a whole lot more about how he is and the things that are going on.
2 people like this
@munhozmib (3853)
• Sao Paulo, Brazil
18 Apr 08
Well, I haven't read the other's replies, but I can guess how is it. I just hope you the best, and the same for your children.
@nelly5 (1425)
• United States
17 Apr 08
When I first read what you posted, I thought that maybe, just maybe you should let them go..but certainly not for that long. I was thinking like a week. BUT now that I have read some of what other mylotters have posted and what you said in return to the responses, DO NOT LET THEM GO! He is obviously not stable! He has a girlfriend whom he will not let anyone meet, which is strange to me. I would be dang sure I would meet who is going to be staying in the house with my children before they stayed anywhere. He is not paying child support, so really, how much does he care about the well being of his children? He came back and stayed at his parents house for a couple of days and he was talking about how much he missed his girlfriend and was going to go home early!!! That is pathetic, he should have been talking about how happy he was to see his kids!!! Also, since he has been straight forward and told you that he doesn't even know how he will afford to take them and/or how he will get them home, I certainly WOULD NOT let them go. I have seen dads do that and say "well I can't afford to bring them home, if you want them, you will have to come get them", can you afford to drop everything and go get them if he says that? If I were in your situation, I would simply tell him, "if you want visitations set up with your kids, take me to court"....I assume there isn't a visitation schedule set up?? Is that correct? I hope that you make the best decision for your kids in this situation. Kids can really be hurt in these situations. I really hope that you try to keep them out of this situation, I mean, by not talking about it in front of them. Take care and I hope you get this situation worked out. Have a great day!
• United States
17 Apr 08
There is no court ordered anything yet. I have filed our divorce but in michigan with minors involved it takes 6 months at the least. I am worried about him saying I cant afford to bring them back so come get them. my boyfriend was worried about that to so he said if I was going to do this that there dad had to have a ticket already in hand to bring them back before they could go anywhere. But I still dont like the idea and the more I hear from others the more Im really not wanting to send them. I just dont want him telling the courts that im denying him the kids. and we never talk bad about there dad in front of them, the fact that I cant stand the idiot doesn't mean I or anyone for that matter should do that. even though I know (and this is another reason I dont want them around him) I know he will talk so much crap to and around the girls about me and my boyfriend. I just dont get him....
1 person likes this
@nelly5 (1425)
• United States
18 Apr 08
Well thank you very much for the best response, I was really suprised considering how many great responses you have had so far. I don't really know how Michigan law is but here in Ohio, you do not have to let your child go with the other parent if there is not court order. You are correct, he could tell the court that you are trying to keep the kids from him, but then again, how many times has he actually tried to see them or even call and talk to them for that matter? I would certainly get a journal and right down every day that he calls, sends something or visits them. Actually, if you get something in the mail, it would be best to keep the stamped and dated envelope, just for your records, you never know when it may come in handy. Also, keep track of all calls and visits, I know one lady who had caller id and every single time dad called (which wasn't much) she would actually take a picture of the caller id, showing the time and date...lol good for her, huh? Now I can see that helping in a way, but then again, the judge could say, "how do I know you just decided not to photgraph the other 20 times he called". Well those are just some ideas...but it really is best to at least keep it all in a journal so that you don't get confused with the dates and times of visits, calls, and/or mail, just in case you want to bring all that up in court someday, if he would take you there. Good luck and please let us know if you decide to let the children go with their dad. Have a great day!
@deebomb (15322)
• United States
17 Apr 08
I wouldn't let them go until he is paying child support and the court has given you full legal custody. Until then if he has them you probably won't get them back because he has Cutody and can do a lot behind your back. He is also saying he doesn't know if he will have the money to come get them or bring them back. No don't let them go. If he really cared he would be paying child support even if the court hasn't mandated it yet.
• United States
17 Apr 08
My mom said the same thing about waiting till the court orders it, but my thing is I dont want him telling the courts that im keeping him from seeing the kids when its not even like that. I just think its would be more responsible of him to come up here with his girlfriend and let her meet the kids and let them get used to the situation a little before dragging them off to a state they have never been to with people they dont know at all. but he gets mad and says no blah blah blah when I ask if he wants to do that.
1 person likes this
@deebomb (15322)
• United States
18 Apr 08
As you said to some one else, He doesn't know if he will have the money to come and get them or bring them back Your are really taking a big chance. something you need to consider is that you have no recourse to getting them back if he has physical custody. The law can't help you get them back. If that happens he could get total custody through the courts. Talk to your devoice lawyer before you decide any thing.
@caramello (4381)
• Australia
18 Apr 08
This is my opinion only as only you can make up your mind. But having been through this myself years ago I went with my "gut" feeling and gave my ex the choice.......as HE chose to go and live so far away and as the children were of a young age at this time I told him that to see them he had to come and visit them, and they were not to leave the state. The children have enough to cope with in regards to their parents separating so they still need the security of their own home. You make the rules and don't be intimidated, you don't have to be a b.... about it, but you are doing what is best for your children. They can still keep in touch, phone calls etc. as I did, but as far as taking them away from you at this crucial time should not happen.....this is just how I feel and did when I experienced this as well. Good luck to you and just go with your "gut" feeling, as this is more important.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Apr 08
See thats my problem and im sooo glad my boyfriends around because he makes me so much stronger. but my ex husband always had a way of intimidating me. I dont want the kids to go there and what you just told me is what my moms been telling me all day (I spent the day with her and we talked about it) I dont think hes stable and I think he wants the kids to show off to his friends and thats not what there for. I love my kids because there a part of me and there my life. I can't live without them, He can live without them till summer time when it warms up and everyone's got there kids outside and he wants people to think hes some great guy for a couple months.
2 people like this
@Hatley (164469)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Apr 08
If you have legal custody and physical custody of your girls then you can tell him you are not comfortable with the idea of them being so far from home and with a woman they havent met. I doubt he could do anything about it and suggest that he bring this woman to see the girls so they can get to know her before ever you send your girls to visit him. Maybe he could come with the woman and visit your girls for just several days at a time until the kids feel at ease.after all it is your decision to make.
• United States
18 Apr 08
I dont have that yet from the courts but ive had the girls for almost 2 years without him there at all he hasnt supported the kids in almost two years. but as far as the courts concerned nothings done yet. I had to file for the divorce cause he was going to but never did cause he didnt have the money so after he claimed the kids on his taxes and me and didnt support any of us for the last two years his dad finally got sick of his crap and wrote me a check to file. but it just got done back in January and in Michigan you have to wait 6 months. and I have suggested he bring his girlfriend up here but he wont.
1 person likes this
@magrylouyu (1632)
• United States
17 Apr 08
My cousin is currently going though the same exact problem. She has 3 children 2,4 and 6. Their father moved to FL 2 years ago from MA and has never even met his soon to be 2 year old son. He has always favored the 6 year old girl. Now he is saying he wants to take just the girls 4 and 6 from the end of June until the end of July. She doesnt want him to as he has made no attempt to see his children in the last 2 years or nothing. I keep telling her the children have a right to see their father. So, I believe your children deserve to see their father. Even though he doesnt seem to want to care but maybe now he's making an attempt to actally be a father to them. You should work something out where he takes your children for the summer and you have them the rest of the year. I know it will be hard but it's a sacrafice everyone has to make. I have a stepson who we have full custody of but he still see's his mother. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for the best.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Apr 08
See I dont think I could ever....no I KNOW I could NEVER go that long without talking to my kids. I couldn't imagine letting another woman come into my kids life and just letting her take over just because the kids didnt "live" with me. And basically thats what hes done hes let another man come into the girls life and completely support them and take over basically but hes allowed it. he has tried he hasn't made an effort at all and now when its getting nice out and everyone's got there kids outside he misses them and wants them there. well OMG I am not even going to get into it cause there's sooooo much I could say but ERRRRR im just getting frustrated with im being a fair weather father.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Apr 08
hi there, well sooner or later the kids would know about that girl relationship with their dad and is only fair for him to spend time with them, but I would suggest that instead of 3 month maybe 2weeks since is the first time the girls are going to be so far away from you and you not knowing how this new woman is gonna treat them, also why don't you ask the kids if they would like to go ovethere, just to know how they feel.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Apr 08
well I have asked my oldest and she does want her dad to come get her but shes 4, She thinks that things are going to be like a fairy tail. she doesnt know the things her dad doesnt do or says or anything since I dont talk bad about her dad to her or around her but my youngest theres no way she would even know whats going on shes 21 months so I cant really ask her. and even if I could she would proubly tell me no since she has seen the person at the post office more then shes ever seen her dad in her life. (we never go to the post office thats why i used that lol)
@2btrueinu (703)
• Philippines
17 Apr 08
It's hard for us as a mother to let our children stay away beside us but we have to accept the fact that he is also has the right to be with them. It's part of divorce or separation to let our child be borrowed by both parties. Now it's been a long period if they stay there for almost 2 months try to convince him to be shorter period. Talk also to your children that their father want to be with them. Now if the situation will not go right you have the right to take them back anytime. Give them all information your number address everything to contact you in case there will be a problem. You know this is the hardest part of being separated or in divorce the children will bounce like a ball. And it's hard for them they may not telling you but there were the one who is more affected the you both. I was not in the position of telling this to you but I was thinking of your children. Children will be the most priority in making a decission before you decide they are the one who suffered most not us parent. So we are scared if they are not with us but we have to put it away because this is what we want not them. If they disown your former husband then maybe this is what he is waiting for to filled all the empty part of being a father you can not be a good father for 2, 3, or four days . He needs time to show them that he cares and how much he really love your children give him time to show them that they are really important to him. This is a give and take situation we need to do this for our children not for our selves. They may not want this to happen but what can they do it's there parents decission.
• United States
17 Apr 08
I dont know if I can talk him into that. Hes one of those where its his way or he'll try to make my life as difficult as possible even if by just causing MORE stress.
• Bahamas
17 Apr 08
Hi guinness.I'm all for the rights of both parents. But this concerns me,it sounds like he doesn't have a good track record.How is he going to look after them for such a long period of time? And especially with someone else involved that is basically a stranger.I'm of the opinion that the kids are to young to be put in this situation that will be out of their comfort zone.I think if he really cares he'll let you meet the girlfriend, they could come to Michigan mabe for a week to get the kids use to them before even thinking of taking them to another state.This is something i would seriously consider if i were you.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Apr 08
and my youngest has no clue who he even is. i mean I show pics but shes 21 months she has no clue whats going on, My oldest knows him so it wouldnt be so hard on her but the youngest is stuck to me I cant go to my moms and get her off me, shes a mommys girl.
@Emma_Wang (210)
• China
17 Apr 08
it is a harsh time for you now,but if you want to your kids to be independent,you should let them go,and for me your husband is not a good father.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Apr 08
no he is not but its funny cause I can only imagine the things he tells people about me where he lives to make himself feel and sound better.
• United States
17 Apr 08
If it was me, I would try to compromise with the situation. With it being so far away, maybe let them go with their dad but make it for a week or two. Two months is a LONG time to be away from your kids. Honestly? I don't think I could do it.. go with your gut instinct.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Apr 08
yes 2 months is a very long time and that's what freaks me out but he says he cant do it for that short of a time because he wont be able to afford it. but my boyfriend who has been the sole provider for the girls doesnt like the idea because he doesn't wan Chris to get the girls down there and then be like oh no I cant get them back so he said he wants Chris to have a ticket for them to come home on certain date before he can take them. I like that idea that way he cant play bull crap like he likes to do. But I think chris will throw a fit about that. I dont see it as unreasonable. do u?
1 person likes this
@athinapie (1151)
• Philippines
17 Apr 08
well i think that your kids deserve to see their dad. but the problem is the girlfriend right? well i think it's about time your kids know about her. you can't hide things from them forever and eventually they'll find out sooner or later. you just have to make them understand the situation.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Apr 08
well Its not that they dot know about her, its just that he a pathological liar and not even his family knows anything about his life hes shad and that's scary, hes telling me he doesn't know when he will be able to come get them cause of money but he says he will bring the back on a certain date but that he wont know if he can afford that either when the time comes. know the girls are going to meet his girlfriend and really it has more to do with the fact that HE himself doent have a home to take the girls that will be there home with him, there going to be going o a house of a complete stranger and its her house not his. to me its just an unstable situation and that's what scares me.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
17 Apr 08
this is terrible indeed..feel sorry for you..but its better to let your kids see their dad, you said its been a long time..but see to it that you keep yourself updated of what will the situation will your kids been experiencing during the time with their dad and his girlfriend..i think, for me, you must make this clear to your ex-husband that both of you must share responsibilities of taking care of your kids...i think its normal that you feel uneasy, just give it a try..if your intuition is right, well, bear in mind that you still have the full authority..BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, ask the opinion of your kids about this matter... goodluck! try your best to be a best mom in the whole world!
1 person likes this
@subha12 (18453)
• India
17 Apr 08
i think itys tricky situation. it is very natural that you are not feeling very well about letting children go. so you should not send them if you do not feel so. if he really wants to see them, ask him to come and meet them.
1 person likes this