Why so Some divorced women kep their Married name?

@jennybianca (12914)
Australia
April 16, 2008 8:49pm CST
My husband has been divorced for years. Him & his ex hate each other a lot. So why doesn't she revert to her maiden name? Most divorced women I know of, after their divorce, & often immediately after separation, revert to their maiden name. My husbands ex kept his name. He hates her doing that. I hate her doing that. One of her kids told us that she prefers it to her maiden name. So what. She shouldn't be allowed to keep her divorced husbands name. I dont go along with the idea that she needs to have the same surname as her children (they have their fathers). That is an old style belief, & wouldn't be a reason for her anyway. It is offensive to my husband that she still has his surname.
17 people like this
46 responses
@tessah (6621)
• United States
17 Apr 08
switching yer surname back is rather saying the marriage itself didnt happen. he really hasnt any rights to be offended by her keeping the name. he WAS married to her, and willingly gave her that name, regardless of how the marriage turned out in the end.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
17 Apr 08
Why doesn't he have the right to be offended by her using his surname? The marriage did happen for sure, but he certainly wishes it never had.
@tessah (6621)
• United States
17 Apr 08
whether he wishes it didnt or not, is pretty much irrelevant. at the time, he loved her enough to willingly give this woman his name, which she has the right to keep as she sees fit. it didnt go as planned, as many marriages dont, but that, again, is irrelevant. im sure if she remarries, she will then take her new husbands name, and this pettiness will be over.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
18 Apr 08
Yes, at the time, he loved her enough to give her his name. But she didn't love him enough to stop screwing around with other men. She is not married now to him now, so she has no "emotional" right to his surname.
@mrsjbelle (1641)
• United States
18 Apr 08
She probably still carries a torch for him. I still have mine lol but its only because I plan to marry again soon and I didnt want to go thru all the changing of documents twice in a short period. I can also see the same last name as the kids bit in a way I guess. Though I sure dont carry a torch for my ex and if I were single I would of taken my maiden name back.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
18 Apr 08
There is no way this nasty, mean & vindictive woman still carries a torch for her ex.
1 person likes this
@Madona1 (2097)
• Gibraltar
17 Apr 08
Hello there, this is a very good question. I believe some divorced women kept their married names mainly are because they don’t want to go through the complicated documentations all over again while they have to pay extra to re-new their ID card, Passport or Driving license. Another reason I think is to avoid the query or embarrassment made by the third party. E.g. Why your children’s family name are different yours? Are you divorced? Are you a single mum?
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
18 Apr 08
I was widowed, then a single mother, now married again. My daughter does not have the same surname as me. She is welcome to change it to that of her step father, or my original maiden name if she wishes. I agree the paper work involved in changing surnames is a nuisance, although mostly free here. There is no embarrassment here in children having a different surname to one or both parents.
@sunkissed (4332)
• United States
17 Apr 08
Well I got a divorce after being married 21 years. I kept my ex's last name, because that is my childrens last name, and also what everyone knew me by.I am also disabled, all my paperwork and things have this name on was much easier to just keep that name.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
18 Apr 08
I know the paper work is a pain, as I have done it three times when changing my surname. As for the children, they have their fathers surname which they have a right too, but their mother no longer has this right.
• Philippines
17 Apr 08
Maybe she hadn't got over the relationship yet...
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
18 Apr 08
Oh, she hates him & vice versa.
@Ldyjarhead (10157)
• United States
17 Apr 08
Wow, I sense a little jealousy here. When I divorced I kept MY name (I consider it was mine after having it for so long) because it was the same as my children's, and also because I had that name for many years and didn't want to have to change everything, and everyone knew me by that name, etc. When you divorce you can't really wipe out everything that you shared while you were married, it doesn't work that way, whether you dislike someone or not. I know a lot of women do take their maiden name back, but if his name is one that she is more comfortable with for whatever reason, then why shouldn't she be allowed to do what is best for her? No different than allowing a woman to continue using her maiden name even after marrying. There may be several reasons, and it's her choice.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
18 Apr 08
It is not so much that my husband or myself are jealous, it's just that she no longer is married, so therefore has no right to his surname. I see it quite different to choosing to keep ones maiden after marriage, as you realy do belong (emotionaly & biologically) to your original family, whether married or not.
@moneyandgc (3430)
• United States
17 Apr 08
I kept my ex-husband's last name until I re-married. I would have changed my last name if he married first out of respect for his new wife. But that is because we are friends. If I didn't know her or like her then I probably wouldn't have bothered. The funny thing is, she wouldn't have cared if I had kept the last name. But it's because of things like that that allow us to be friends. Neither one of us see any reason that we can't be friends. I was married to her husband, so what? I don't want him back...ever. She knows this. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to share a last name with your children either. It may be old style belief to you but maybe it isn't for others. My husband's ex-wife kept his last name as well. I think she may have changed it last weekend though when she got married again. I don't know, I didn't ask. I know lots of people who keep their married name after divorce for various reasons.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
17 Apr 08
As you are friends with your ex & your his new wife, I guess there seems less of a reason for a name change. Most divorced women I know, do not want the association with the ex in the form of his name. As for kids, they have their fathers surname & that is good enough. Why would they need both? Especially since they know their their mother & father hate each other.
@LovingIt (5398)
• United States
17 Apr 08
There are various reasons for this. I kept my husband's last name after my divorce. It was the only name that I was known by in my profession, for one reason. The other reason was that I did want to keep the same last name as my kids. I earned a reputation in my profession using this name and I had it for almost as long as I did my maiden name, so why NOT keep it? It was my name!
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
17 Apr 08
When I was first married, I kept my maiden name(mostly) for the same reason as you... I was known in my profession. Eventually this became not particularly relevant. I have a different surname to my daughter & she couldn't care less. She is welcome to change hers if she wants.
@gtargirl (5385)
• United States
17 Apr 08
Hi Jenny. I can totally relate to your feelings. I am one divorced woman, however, who did keep her husband's last name. Funny thing, I did keep it for some of the same reasons you mentioned. The kids asked that I would keep it. They wanted me to have the same last name as them. Plus I asked my ex-hubby and he said yes. Besides we are still good friends. As a matter of fact our friends ask all the time when are we getting back together. Well, that's another story. But in any case that's why I kept his name. Plus I don't want to hassle changing my name back to my maiden name on all those legal documents; driver's license, social security, credit cards etc. That's my story.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
17 Apr 08
I agree that it is a hassle in changing drivers license, etc, as I have had three name changes. As you & your ex are on good terms, it doesn't seem like you feel the need to change anyway.
• United States
17 Apr 08
in some cases,they probably just don't feel like filling out the paperwork to change it back. in the us you'd have to get a new id,social security card,change your bank accounts,etc. me,i'd want to get rid of it.
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
17 Apr 08
The form filling is a nuisance having to change surnames for sure. I am not altogether sure that this is the ex's reason.
@aseretdd (13736)
• Philippines
17 Apr 08
There are a lot of posible reasons why she is still holding on to your husband's surname... 1. Maybe the hate thing is just a facade... and deep inside she still has feeling for him... or that he is the best thing that ever happened to him... the holding on to the surname is to only way to go back to the time when she was happiest the most... 2. Maybe it is a way to spite your husband and you... women can do a lot of crazy things just to get back at men who they think did them wrong... 3. Maybe her maiden name is really not that good to hear...
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
17 Apr 08
She doesn't hold any feelings for him whatsoever, her attitude & what she has done over the past five years represents hate, hate, hate. I think it is spite,m & the inability to move on, & yes, I believe she doesn't like her maiden name. There is nothing wrong with it, & it is Dutch.
1 person likes this
@stephcjh (32327)
• United States
17 Apr 08
I guess it is just easier for them to just leave it like it is. I think some of them still have feelings for their ex-spouse also. I don't think it is right to keep someone elses name either but some spouses just cannot let it go. It isn't fair when the other spouse has moved on, but some marriages can be reconciled too, so I guess that is why some of them keep the name. I know what you mean in your case though. I think the ex is just doing it in spite.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
17 Apr 08
I suspect spite is the reason, & maybe she doesn't like her maiden name. She certainly has no feelings whatsoever for her ex husband, & didn't really have any in the first place.
• United States
17 Apr 08
I kept my exhusband's name for about 6 months after we divorced. Then one day I woke up and asked myself who the heck was the woman with that name. It wasn't who I wanted to be. I filed to have my maiden name back. Would you believe that he had to sign paperwork to allow me to get it back! That was an eye opener.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
17 Apr 08
I am sure that here, a woman can just start using her maiden name, & not have to ask anyone permission for anything. Of course, the paper work involved in changing the name on ones drivers license, etc is a great nuisance.
1 person likes this
@surfette (674)
• United States
17 Apr 08
I live in Illinois in the U.S. All the divorced women I know have kept their ex's last name. I really don't know if it is tradition or the hassle of having to go and change documents like social security, driver's license, etc. back to the original maiden name. Most just keep the name until they remarry. For those like my college roommate that never took her husband's name to begin with, she didn't have any problems after her divorce to change paperwork. Actually, I hadn't even thought about it before as being a problem for a new wife. My ex lives 2000 miles away, so that never was an issue anyway. If this is not necessarily tradition in Australia, then she is probably just trying to irritate you and she's accomplishing that task. If nothing is said, perhaps she will not get the amusement from torturing you and will just change it on her own or even better, get remarried. Sorry that this is so upsetting for you. Hope it all works out well.
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
17 Apr 08
I am fairly sure it is tradition to revert to one's maiden name when divorced, in Australia. Most women dont want to be reminded of their marriage or have an association with her ex husbands name. It is true that changing names on documents, drivers license, etc is a hassle. The ex doesn't know we are annoyed by her use of her name, at least I dont think so. She does have a boyfriend, but he wont even live with her until her youngest is at least 18 years (she's 9 now), so I think thats saying something.
@makingpots (11922)
• United States
17 Apr 08
Do you have children yourself, Jenny? I think it is an understandable thing that some women want to keep the same last name as their child. There is so much disconnecting going on in the lives of divorced children and I think that is one connection that is easy enough to maintain. It really is all about the children in situations such as these.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
18 Apr 08
Yes, I have a daughter who has just turned 15 years. She as nearly alway sent surname to me (her late fathers). She is welcome to change it to her step fathers, my maiden name, or a hyphinated surname, it is up to her. The children of my hubbys ex already have his surname.
@makingpots (11922)
• United States
18 Apr 08
With all due respect Jenny, I think the hatred you have for this woman is preventing you from seeing all sides clearly.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
19 Apr 08
Yes, I do hate her & so does my husband. Without raving on here, I will direct you to the links of discussions I have started about what this woman has done. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1225515.aspx http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1469824.aspx http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1461954.aspx http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1451709.aspx http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1264050.aspx http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1330394.aspx
@guss2000 (2234)
• United States
17 Apr 08
She is probably just doing it because she don't feel like dealing with the hassle of changing her name back. A new SSI card, new license, change at the bank, new checks, change on all legal documents, bill, paper work. I think she is being lazy. When I get my divorce, I'm pretty sure I will change my name back to my maiden name. My sister-in-law did it when she divorced her husband a few years ago, and I don't think it really was too hard on her to do it. Your husband's ex may also be doing this just for spite too!
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
18 Apr 08
We think it is spite, as she is very inclined that way. I wish we could include forcing her to change her surname in the upcoming court case.
1 person likes this
@guss2000 (2234)
• United States
18 Apr 08
That is sad that she is probably doing it for spite. Sometimes I wonder if that should be a mandatory thing in a divorce.
1 person likes this
@kenzie45230 (3560)
• United States
17 Apr 08
It really is her choice. She can keep it forever if she wants. Your husband's divorce attorney should have put it in the divorce papers that she HAD to change it. My first husband did that, although I would have anyway. (He was abusive and someone I'd just like to forget!)
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
17 Apr 08
It never occured to us, or the lawyers to put the name change in the divorce papers, as most women do it automatically here. I dont see any reason why a woman would want to keep her ex's surname, as it is not hers if she is divorced.
1 person likes this
@guss2000 (2234)
• United States
17 Apr 08
jennie-- you are right about that. In my sister in laws divorce that I posted about below, and a few of my friends, they all did it right in the divorce papers as well.
1 person likes this
@babymar (361)
• Philippines
17 Apr 08
i think the reason is that deep inside their heart, they still love their ex husbands that's why they still use their ex-husband's surname.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Apr 08
Oh, I think that might be true for a very few, I know in my case, three times, that was not even close to why I didn't change my last name.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
18 Apr 08
There is no way this nasty women loves her ex husband.
@palonghorn (5486)
• United States
17 Apr 08
He must really dislike her! I've been divorced 3 times, the first time I changed back to my maiden name, there were no children involved, and I was only married a year. However, when I divorced the second time, I had a daughter, and I had been known by that name for 5 years. The third, I had had another daughter, and I had been known by that name for 16 years. So, I still have my ex's last name, it's never been an issue, with him, or my kids. It would have not only taken the court to change my name back, but social security change, bank records, credit cards, you get the picture. My s/o was married before, his ex has his last name, it doesn't really bother him or me, they also have a daughter together. Now, as for keeping the last name because she 'prefers' it, kind of a strange reason. Unless she is going by Mrs. instead of Ms. why make it a big issue, unless she is using his last name in some way that is causing you or him problems, that could lead to legal problems.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
17 Apr 08
It is not exactly causing us legal problems, but as her first name is Janet, & mine is Jenny, I have to say that it has caused confusion with certain agencies.
• United States
17 Apr 08
I can see how that might cause confusion. Although we didn't have names that were close, my ex's ex-wife and I had the same birthday lol Maybe that's why he always remembered my birthday?? LOL
1 person likes this
@laglen (19782)
• United States
12 May 08
I have been divorced for 8 years. I kept my ex's name for my daughter. He has never said anything about it. I suppose if he mentioned that it bothered him, I would think about it. And by the way, what is wrong with old world beliefs?
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
13 May 08
I did say anything was wrong wrong with old style beliefs. I did say that it seemed wrong, morally, for a divorced woman to keep their ex husbands surname.