he cheated...i feel lost

@fliffy555 (1045)
April 18, 2008 4:50pm CST
my partner cheated on me 2 days before christmas 2007 and now i never feel right around him, i don't want to be touched by him and i've become really picky about things i never was before, does anyone have any advise for me? should i try and stick it out and forgive him or is over before the healing process has begun, i could really do with some help here, i'm torn
6 people like this
21 responses
@vera5d (4006)
• United States
19 Apr 08
That is something that is very hard to deal with! I think the best thing to do is to probably get counseling. I know a lot of people are afraid of it or think it is kooky but truthfully it can make a big difference. Your insurance plan if you have insurance would probably even cover 20 sessions or something like that. Sometimes just talking to a person about how you feel can help. Does you partner know how you feel? Are you married? If you are not married, and you are feeling these things, then maybe it is better to go your seperate ways for awhile and see what happens. I broke up with my now husband for about 6 months and then one day i called him and said i am ready to be your friend again and i went to visit him and we realized we missed each other way too much and we were able to put everything behind us and make some new "relationship rules" to help make sure we never break up ever, ever again. I hope soon you find a way to make the pain go away!
2 people like this
@fliffy555 (1045)
19 Jul 08
No we are not married although we might as well be. We have been living together for 3 and a half years. Everyone calls me his wife although it just isnt down on paper. I have tried the break thing but he wouldnt let me leave for more than 12 hours without coming to where i was and practically dragging me back. I don't know if that sounds kinda needy or what but it really stresses me out as I am not even allowed time with my family alone he is with me 24/7 since he cheated and it seems to take even more of a toll on our relationship
@goergineo (1498)
• Jordan
18 Apr 08
If he realized that what he did is super wrong and he committed to not do it again, I think he deserves a second chance. if he is addicted to it, i would say do not waste your time and life for something useless and just let it go and go on in your life. you have my best wishes.
2 people like this
@fliffy555 (1045)
19 Jul 08
How will i know if he is committed to not doing it again or if he becomes addicted to it ? It took the girl to tell me this time. And there have been times when he acts really strange around me and I find out he is with ex girlfriends in the bar or something. That makes me really paranoid. Thanks for you best wishes though and your response x
@magrylouyu (1632)
• United States
19 Apr 08
I dont have much advice except the face I would have left him a loooong time ago and not put myself though that pain. I wouldnt want to be touched by a low life like that. I know i'm being staight forward but I do not believe in cheating what so ever. It's not just an "accident" it doenst "just happen" when you love somebody you dont sleep around or kiss other people. No way no how. But other than that the only advice I can give you is to leave him.
1 person likes this
@fliffy555 (1045)
19 Jul 08
thank you, you have basically said exactly what i feel, except the leaving part it is so much harder than it seems
@gemini_rose (16193)
18 Apr 08
I found out my hubby was cheating on me in 2005, and by the time it had ended it had been going on for nearly a year, I decided to stay with him and try to work things out. Questions that I asked myself were, do I still love him and if I stay with him can I get over this and not make an issue out of it every 2 minutes and keep throwing it back at him. I decided that I could. We are still together now, and yes it is hard and I have days where I remember it all so vividly that it feels like it only just happened. The thing that helped us through was to talk about it, no matter how painful it is talk, ask the questions you need to ask, do not ask the questions that you are not ready to hear the answers too. It took me months to ask and hear everything that I needed to know and it helped me a great deal. I told him how I felt, how hurt I was and believe me there was a lot more than cheating went on. I cannot advise you, no one can, I can only tell you how it was for me, you will know in yourself eventually what it is you want and what it is you feel. It is hard and I know it is, but you will get to a stage where you see everything clearly.
1 person likes this
@fliffy555 (1045)
25 Apr 08
Thank you for your reply its great to have people i can turn to, i need people who don't know me fella at least and i don't know anyone now that don't know him too
@jesbellaine (4157)
• Philippines
19 Apr 08
Hi there. My ex-boyfriend in college cheated on me twice but the only difference between your situation and mine is that we broke up after that. It is not that I didn't forgive him but he was the one who ended the relationship. After few months, he tried to win me back since he told me that he changed already but you know what... the time he left me made me realized that I could never be with him again since I will be always doubtful or I don't trust him no more.. I got the same feeling as yours when he tried to hugged me, i don't feel right anymore... I once thought that the reason why I am so uneasy with him was because I haven't forgiven him but no.. the real reason was that.. I came to my senses, I deserve a guy who would be true to me as I am to him... I felt that there will be a guy who can DO that to me... and i really forgive him but i just don't have the same feeling anymore. What you need is a time to think if you still want to be with your boyfriend. You need to be totally sure if you still love him after what you have done with you... If you decided to forgive and take him back then make sure that you TWO will both work it out... If you decide to forgive him then walk away from him (end the relationship then make sure that you can live without him and you just need to be sure.. so that.. you can slowly move on... Goodluck!
@KrauseHome (35034)
• United States
19 Apr 08
What you need to do, is evaluate the situation, and then go from there. Do you still Love him, and want to be with him? Is he still wanting to be with you? Is he feeling Sorry for what he did, or does he not care? For me, I would consider the options in this situation and then go from there. You need to decide for yourself and for the Relationship which is best. Since it sounds like you are not married to him yet, you need to think about your future and what do you want? Maybe consider the two of you talking about this, and then deciding what is best and go from there. I know it is not easy, but you will feel better in the end. Wishing you the best.
1 person likes this
@ozzeth (942)
• Philippines
19 Apr 08
well, its up to you fliffy. But i just want you to know that if ever you will forgive that guy and give him another chance be sure to work out again your trust to him. Relationship can't be working if you lose your trust. No trust relationship is nothing. At the same thing if you are sure you can't trust him again. You can forgive but you can't save your relationship anymore. Move on and go for life...
1 person likes this
@mnflower (1304)
• United States
19 Apr 08
If you are still feeling this way fliffy and it seems like it is not going to be any better, if it was me I would just let him go and give yourself to heal and find someone that is not going to cheat on you, I am a firm believer if they can do it once they are going to do it again, they always make promises oh i will never do it but they always tend to do it over and over again and I have know this from experience.I know it hurts but won't it hurt even more if you try again and find that he just in turn does it again and all the time that you have spent wasted with the thought in your mind all the time you felt he was going to do it again;A couple of months, is plenty of time to have forgiven him and starting over but it is obvious your not and it is not going to get better..
@rexiemay (402)
• Philippines
19 Apr 08
i suggest that you guys have a heart to heart talk. tell him what is bothering you. ask him and yourself what you want to do with your relationship. do you still love him? have you forgiven him? do you want him to be with you for the rest of your life? you should answer those questions so that you will be guided on how you want your relationship to end or start. it is better to be honest with yourself than to continue a relationship based on lies or hatred. both of you will just suffer in the end.
@fliffy555 (1045)
19 Jul 08
i do still love him and i suppose i have forgiven him but i cant trust him anymore, i do want to be with him till the end of time but everytime i see him even talking to another girl i just end up in tears, she was a friend and she stabbed me in the back and i think that they are all going to do it now and that he is going to carry on hurting me because he knows how much i love him and want to be with him that he thinks he can get away with anything
@idowrite72 (2214)
• United States
21 Apr 08
It sounds to me like you should find someone to talk to so you can figure out if it is over or whether you can forgive and go on. You can't spend the rest of your relationship not "feeling right" around him and I can understand not wanting to be touched by him, but think about whether this is going to be a forever thing. I am thinking that maybe you should see a counselor so you can talk out your feelings with someone who can help you to sort things out so you can get on with your life and not be stuck feeling miserable forever. Good luck with it.
@signum (547)
• Australia
21 Apr 08
Ok I understand that you are still with him because deep down you still love him, am I right? But honestly, it's hurting you more by staying with him than what it would to up and leave him. You know that you are better than this crap that he has put you through. I made the mistake of staying with someone who cheated, and I wasted 3 and a half years of my life. I wish I had the strength to leave earlier than I did. My advise, once a cheater, always a cheater. You don't trust him anymore as you won't even let him touch you, so you should start a new life without him. :-) I know it hurts, but in the long run, it's better for you.
• United States
19 Apr 08
You are going to have to decide this one on your own Fliffy. No one can make the decision for you. You need to follow your heart. If you think you can get over it and get back to a normal relationship with him, then by all means do so. If on the other hand, you cannot get back to the loving relationship that you had and it is tearing you apart, then it is time to say goodbye. I hope things work out for you no matter what you decide. I hope that you find peace and find a loving relationship.
@ajaygupta (168)
• India
19 Apr 08
i just couldnot make it out taht what are u still trying to do when he just went on to cheat u and did wahtever it was. u r tearing urself to a lot more pain to feel ang get frustrated and depressed, move on dear. it is more than time requred to find out the reasons for the act of his. or is it that u have lost the faith and confidence on urself. just pick them up stand straight,hold ur head high and say that is it and I wont take it anymore and see u will for sure move on just don't keep any thing in ur mind for a moment and donot look back towards him for even once. LIFE is big and beautiful enough to give u more, better and worthy things u deserve. just open up ur arms and ur eyes with a positive attitude and flash--------u see what i mean.
• Philippines
19 Apr 08
There is a need to really assess your current situation. You have to evaluate how you really feel. What is important is that the two of you get to sit down and talk about what happened. Listen to what he's got to say. It may be hard. What he will tell you might hurt you. But that's just how it is. Then, ask yourself if you are still willing to give him a chance to prove his love for you. I do hope that you will be able to work things out. Whatever you both decide on, I do hope that it will be for the best. Take care and good luck fliffy!
@nagkho (25)
• India
19 Apr 08
You need time for yourself, he does not need time. If he has the guts to cheat on you and that on Christmas, when he was suppose to be with you; hey i dont think he is serious with you. Take time apart from him, n it will unravell itself how much u need him and how much he needs u. May be he will cheat on you again when you r apart from him....
• Philippines
19 Apr 08
these things are very typical in any relationship.. the only answer for this problem is ourselves. How? to have an open mind and a matter of acceptance on possible things to happen around us. It's very possible for every human to fall into other man or woman because all of us are able to appreciate and love each other's trait. Those situation is not also possible for our partners but also to each one of us. It's a lie to ourselves to hide feelings that you have for other man/woman just to consider our partners feelings. But for me, it's still cheating because deep inside we know we love other man or woman beside our partner even without any relationship to have for him/her.
• Australia
19 Apr 08
Oh, that's a hard one. I personally don't think that I would or could stay with someone who has cheated on me. I see it this way, a person who loves you wouldn't turn to another. I think a lot of times women convinced themselves that they are still in love with the person who cheated but in reality it's just that they are scared to do it and move on on their own. However, why waste your life with someone who you're not sure will be there for you for forever and who is someone who has cheated on you. I personally think that that is the ultimate betrayal and I don't think I could get passed it. However, this is a decision only you could make and I suggest you look deep inside yourself for the answers and not just stay because you're afraid of the unknown because that's no way to live life.
@yogeshdhusa (2237)
• India
19 Apr 08
Hi Fliffy, If your partner came and has confessed in front of you that he has done this then you should forgive him, i am telling you because he must have felt guilty and he is sorry for that.( forgiveness should be in a ways that he dont dare to do those things again) And if has not confessed and you came to know from anyother source, then i think you should talk and if he is sorry then forgive him, if not- then give him left -right-center.
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
19 Apr 08
without knowing more about your relationship it would be impossible to give you advise here. How long have you been together and how did you find out about his cheating? Was his cheating a one-time thing or an on-going thing? To be honest, for me it wouldn't matter. The relationship would be broken. I have however, known some couples that do recover and actually become stronger after these things. I'd be able to forgive the guy but I'm pretty sure that I would not still want to be involved with him.
@kezabelle (2985)
19 Apr 08
My partner cheated on me and its hard to get over it but it is possible if you still love him and want it to work you have to try and let it go punishing him is only in the long run punishing yourself and no your relationship wont ever work again if you cant forgive and move on, I wont say forget because thats not really possile but you need to learn to move on and not think about it or bring it up other wise your relationship is doomed for failure. Only you can decide if your relationship is worth that much hard work.