what is up with this?

@stacyv81 (5905)
United States
April 23, 2008 5:11pm CST
I have a friend who recently got married she has been with this guy almost a decade, and as soon as they get married she starts throwing the divorce card around, and telling him that if he doesnt stop doing things (that he did when they met and the whole time they dated) that she would divorce him, because she cant be married to someone who does that. Regardless of what it is, I think that you do not have the right to try to change and/or control someone, and those things should be thought about BEFORE marriage, not after. What do you think/
4 people like this
14 responses
• United States
24 Apr 08
It seems to me that if a couple already has problems like that before they get married, the threat is "I'll leave you". If the choose to get married(for whatever reason as there are many) "leave" turns into "divorce and people seem to get really freaked out by the word "divorce. Maybe they DID think about it before and it HAS been a problem the whole time?
@stacyv81 (5905)
• United States
24 Apr 08
well, some of it has, but for instance drinking..he isnt an alchoholic or a drunk, he would only drink if they went out to drink, but never got wasted or did anything ill towards her, and she drank with him, or even more, because he would have to drive her home, but now they're married, she made him go to AA. that kind of thing.
• United States
27 Apr 08
It seems to me that she's obsessing over the stereotypes of "marital perfection" and taking things way overboard. Maybe they need counseling?
• United States
23 Apr 08
I find this a bit comical, no we can not change other people, she knew what he was before if I am reading you right here. After marriage is not the time to talk about the differences two people have. All of this has to be hashed out long before that walk down the isle.
@stacyv81 (5905)
• United States
23 Apr 08
I agree. I think that it is very terrible to try to change someone especially AFTER marriage. It seems weird, why now?
• United States
24 Apr 08
What's interesting here is that this chick, for lack of a better term, waited and waited and waited until she finally was able to "secure" this guy in a marriage, and then did what she's wanted to for ten years. Because they are now "fully committed", she now feels perfectly justified in wanting to change him. She couldn't do it before, because they weren't "legal". Now, she feels she can expect him to change because she's now his wife. Obviously, it doesn't work that way. Number one, you love the person for who he/she is, not who you want to change that person into. If you want to change someone so badly, then you're not in love, you're into control and domination. You want everything your way, end of story. Since this girl stayed quiet for all those years, never giving the poor guy the incling that she didn't care for him as he was, he should get out of the marriage yesterday. She is mean, and she doesn't deserve him.
• United States
23 Apr 08
I know this is your friend and all but, it sounds to me like she has turned into an evil b*t*c*h and she is trying to be the controlling type. She really should have thought this out before getting him into something that may cause pain in the long run. Either she accepts the way he is, or he KICKS HER TO THE CURB before he gets in too deep.
@stacyv81 (5905)
• United States
24 Apr 08
yea, she is my friend, but only because she doesnt treat me this way. I can assure you if she did she wouldnt be, but her relationship is separate from ours, so I agree with what you are saying
@Shaun72 (15968)
• Palatka, Florida
23 Apr 08
I agree I mean she knew how he was before she married him. She shouldn't expect him to change because they are married now. She should except him for who he is before she married him.
@stacyv81 (5905)
• United States
23 Apr 08
exactly!
• India
23 Apr 08
Totally agreed. When you love someone, you love them for what they are. You do not control then and change the way you want. At times, these could be signs of posessiveness.
@stacyv81 (5905)
• United States
23 Apr 08
definitely. I think that controlling behavior is most likely a sign of insecurity. Making someone else feel like crap, and picking someone else apart to make you feel better, is horrible.
@mummymo (23709)
25 Apr 08
I think some people think that once they get a wedding ring on they are in complete control and everything that annoyed them before will no longer be a problem - as if! As you say she was with the guy a long time and the time to confront and sort out these issues is before they got married! xxx
@Madona1 (2097)
• Gibraltar
24 Apr 08
There are two points here. 1) It seems she uses divorce to threaten her husband which it is not right. In a relationship, the partners have to respect each other. Regardless what happen, couples should communicate and reach an amicable agreement. No one likes threatening. 2) She tries to change her husband whom she has been together for a decade. Which means this is not a one day or year issue. If she has put up with him for the past 10 years, how come she wants to change him merely after the marriage? That must be something behind the scene that we don’t know.
@dvschic (1796)
• United States
24 Apr 08
he should divorce her butt, how annoying that must be! i dont understand why someone would threaten another person with something like that, especially since they claim to be in love...
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
24 Apr 08
She sounds like a control monster. She better be careful. It may work at the start. He may be so in love with her that he will do anything to please her but if she keeps it up, he will eventually grow tired of it and may go for the divorce himself.
@jalucia (1435)
• United States
24 Apr 08
I agree with you. When looking for the right mate, it really isn't about finding someone that you see as flawless. It's about finding someone who's flaws you can live with. And, what is considered a "flaw" is unique to the person who is considering the relationship. While your friend's hb could take into consideration her complaints, it is unfair of her to expect/demand that he change who he is. It is much easier to deal with people when you realize and accept them for who they are. Marriage adds a whole new dynamic to the situation. And, no matter how much you play house, the word marriage alone will have an impact on your relationship.
@2btrueinu (703)
• Philippines
24 Apr 08
I definitely agree with what you said. If you love him/her you should accept him/her for who they really are. We don't have the right to change anyone because we like them to but if we want to change thew one you love make it sure it's for the better and if she/he is willing to do it because it for his own good not because you want her/him to do for your own. That is not health for your relationship we may have some weakness but we may do it better if we help each other. Remember were human and were not perfect.
@athinapie (1152)
• Philippines
24 Apr 08
i agree with you. part of marrying somebody is accepting who he or she is before the marriage. that's the reason why you love that person. but if you don't like him or her in the first place, then marriage is totally out of the question. because both parties will just regret in the end.
@speedy1279 (2667)
• United States
24 Apr 08
I am a firm believer that you can't change others, they have to want to change themselves. Yes your friend should have thought about those things before she married her spouse. If they were that big of a deal then she should have never married him. I used to be in a controlling relationship very similar to this, only it was the other way around for me. My ex-husband was the one that after we got married decided he wanted to control me and certain things about me had to change. Things like this infuriate me. No one is a door mat to be walked on or controlled. We are who we are and only ourselves change the things we don't like about ourself. I hope your friend can come to her senses and realize that what she is doing is wrong and she should have thought about it before marrying this man.
@faith210 (11233)
• Philippines
24 Apr 08
Hi stacyv81! I agree with you completely that we don't have the right to try to change anyone just to suit us, or control anyone for that matter. I think she does not have the right to use their marriage contract as a leverage to change him and threaten him that if he won't change she will divorce him. She knows what she's going into so why did she married the guy but perhaps she was thinking that when they get married, the guy will change for the better. She should have thought about this before she got married. Just my thoughts dear friend. Take care and have a nice day!