How long do you know a person before you call them "FRIEND"?

@dloveli (4369)
United States
April 26, 2008 6:44am CST
I have been thinking about friendship alot lately. I was looking closely at the people in my life since childhood that I thought were friends. I cant believe how many people I have called a friend till the end and today they are not here. I dont mean here as dead. I mean that the friendship ended. I consider myself to be someone who doesnt take any nonsense. However, when it comes to friendship I get so caught up in the idea of a friend that I tend to overlook the important flags that go up. I had a friend since kidnergarten. We were best friends until high school. I introduced her to a another friend of mine. THey phased me out. We didnt end our friendship. To be honest I couldnt. I really enjoyed our times together. A few years after graduation, there was a knock at my door. It was her and I welcomed her as if nothing had ever happened. SHe ended dumping me for another of my friends. The friendship actually ended when I had some serious personal issues come up. Rather than supporting me, she left. We dont talk at all. I have had other friends over the years and they never seem to last. I think I could count my real true friends on one hand. Most are family. I know I am not a bad friend. I think that I am a push over. I feel so disappointed at the way my life as went as far as friends. Maybe I shouldnt call people friends. I do have a best friend now and I sometimes question that relationship. SHe seems to good to be true. My fiance says that I trust to openly. I just want a friend. I have prayed for a good friend since I can remember. Its really difficult to find one that doesnt want my man, need a place to stay or money, or want to steal from me. I know that alot of men and woman have experienced this. I have to tell you, I would love to have a friend that I didnt have to be suspicious of. In this day and age it is hard to find. I do have a great friend in my fiance and my daughters. I am so disappointed at the way all my friendships have turned out. Do you or someone you know understand where I am coming from? What would you do?
1 person likes this
15 responses
@Darkwing (21588)
26 Apr 08
It varies as to how long it is before I can call somebody "friend". Friends come into our lives, some for a short while, some for a longer period, and others stay. But each of them teaches us a life lesson, and we gain wisdom from our experiences with friends. Your friend has walked out of your life, but I'll wager a guess that she taught you a lot about life and decisions whilst you were friends. Value her memory, and prepare yourself for the next friend you encouter, as you tread life's path. Brightest Blessings.
@dloveli (4369)
• United States
26 Apr 08
Thanks very much for responding. I have been so upset at the down side of these friendships that I didnt look at the upside. They each left a lasting impression that are not all bad. I have learned important lessons from them as well. You have a great way of turning a negative into a positive. Thanks again. dl
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21588)
26 Apr 08
You're more than welcome, my friend. I'm really glad I could be of help. Have a great day! x
@tataykim (17)
• Philippines
27 Apr 08
Hi dloveli, You can call them friend not depending upon the length of the time that you know them it depends upon the quality of the realationship. Don't lose hope with friendships.
@dloveli (4369)
• United States
28 Apr 08
Its not that Ive lost hope. I just don't worry about it as much. I used to try to analyze everything and It drained me emotionally. Now that I have children of my own, I have to lead by example. I want my girls to be leaders and not followers. I think that I had to become comfortable within myself. When we have friends and the problems that come and go, it keeps us busy. THus, we have no time to think about ourselves. I dont mind alone time now. In fact, I prefer it. Thanks for responding. dl
@vcha_23 (110)
• Philippines
27 Apr 08
it's not about how long... it's all about how much you two have sticked together through tough times... ;)
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4369)
• United States
27 Apr 08
I couldnt have said it better myself. What I have a problem with is that I do have people who have helped me through tough times but I wonder if they do it for me or to make themselves look or feel better. I have seen so many instances where a person helps another and brags about what they did. I dont know if there is a situation where people will ever fully trust each other. Thanks dl
@chiyosan (30206)
• Philippines
27 Apr 08
i don't really know as to when i start calling my friends "friend" i guess there is really no time and tenure as to how many months, years or just days. its just hard to tell at times if you are really with a true friend. i have had my problems with friends too, people i trusts and people i am willing to trust my life with... i guess at one point in our lives, we would be able to tell who these true friends are. of course, we cannot really expect all to have the same feelings as we do. that is my mistake in the past too. i trust too much, and even people i just met, i have this "wanting" to be their friend already not thinking they don't want the friendship or just wants casual hi and hello greetings.
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4369)
• United States
27 Apr 08
Its not a bad thing to want to see the best in people. We have seen such bad things going on in the world around us that we look for positive things to comfort us. You are not the only one who does this. Count me in! I am not overly religous, but I find it hard to believe that God put all these people on earth to be negative when viewing each other. People all start out the same. We are born with a pure heart. It's what we learn and the way we perceive these lessons that shape us into the adults we become. You, me and many others are just looking to have a friend in our lives that fits the definition of the word. I am at the point where if it happens it happens. I refuse to overwhelm myself trying to figure out where I went wrong. I am a good, honest, and loving person. I can only offer myself. You do the same. If they dont like it tough! Good Luck DL
@ratcat (8)
26 Apr 08
You sound so much like myself. Just about everyone i have considered a friend (some for many years) are no longer around. One friend, I had known for around 20 years, she just stopped talking to me after i introduced her to other friends of mine, then reappeared in my life after about 8 years, she knocked on my door, i greeted her with open arms (as if nothing had happened) she stayed for 4 days and 4 nights, borrowed money from me and said she would pay back next payday. That was 5 years ago. I have since called her to tell her I had my first baby after 18 years of trying (and she knew that I tried so hard for a baby all those years) she appeared to be very happy for me but, I have not seen her or my money. Just recently, I had a male friend, I paid him to do some work around my house, he asked for cash upfront, being a good friend, i trusted him. He has been working at my place for the past 2 years doing a bit here and a bit there. The job is still not done and I am out approx $2000. He wont answer my calls. I can go on and on, I have so many of those so called, friends. I believe they were never a friend in the first place just looking to see how they can use me, and because i have a nice house, all my friends think im rich. I actually stress and struggle to pay my mortgages but i dont complain to my friends about it. I have 1 full time job and several part time jobs just trying to make ends meet. The last thing i need are people pretending to be my friend just to get what they want from me. My ex-husband says im too easy going, i shouldnt get so close to people because they always end up dumping me once they get what they want. I totally understand your position, u are probably too trusting and genuine like me and people tend to take advantage of your kindness.
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4369)
• United States
26 Apr 08
I think I found my twin. I cant believe how alike our stories are. The one thing I know is NEVER lend money that you expect to get back. I dont lend at all. I have a hard time of it as well and I cant afford to lose a nickel. My youngest daughter is 13. She has had cancer twice. No one came to my aid. I was forced to spend everything I had saved. I would never tell her that. About a year ago I lost everything in a house fire and no one helped me then. On top of it all her dad is as useless as can be possible. I do have someone in my life and he spends everything he has to take care of us. Its difficult still. I have even applied for public assistance and was told I made too much money last year. Go figure. I sometimes dont eat so they can. They dont know that. I love them too much to have them suffer. I feel like I am being punished for something. What I do not know. I help everyone I can. I am a great person ( I think). I go to church. And I never ask anyone for money or anything. I gave up a long time ago trying to figure it out. Dont make the same mistakes I did girl! Keep your head up and keep your money! If you ever need to talk PM me. Afterall were almost twins! lol
@xiaoyue (206)
8 May 08
Well,I think if I find a person has a great chemistry with me and have something in common with me,I will want to make friends with her or him.I don't care the time.o(n_n)o...
@dloveli (4369)
• United States
8 May 08
I dont think time is the most important issue when determining a friendship. I think its the relationship itself. I have met many people that I find interesting. I just have a problem with people thinking they can do or say whatever they want. Im sorry I have been stepped on, walked over, and forgotten about for the last time. I think, even in the best friendships, we should use a little caution when making big decisions. Every time you watch one of the court shows its always regarding friends with money, cars, apartments. Even though it is tv, it seems too far fetched to think that every case is made up. NOT! These cases happen every day. Its a great example of why you should watch your back even with the lifelong friends. dl
• Malaysia
27 Apr 08
i had the same problem. i couldn't find anyone i could call a friend now...but, i'm worse. i don't have a real true friend. i lost my only friend years ago because she had a boyfriend. most of the time, i am alone. i do most things alone even shopping. people that i met and call as a friend always dump me for their boyfriend...it's not that i mind if they had a boyfriend but you know...if i ask them for help on whatsoever, they always use their boyfriend as an excuse. i don't like that and that attitude really erase the meaning i know in the word friendship
@dloveli (4369)
• United States
28 Apr 08
There's nothing I hate more than when a friend gets a boy/girl. I think being a loner is a great thing. You are avoiding alot of drama. Dont look at it as a negative, look at it as a positive. When you least expect it, someone will come into your life. And the issue of "friends" using their significant other is a cop out. YOu know it and they know it. Friendship is tough. I know this from experience. When I meet someone, I am honest from the beginning. I let them know I am not here to be there scapegoat, bank. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesnt. Its a chance I take.
@ayou82 (3460)
• Philippines
27 Apr 08
Maybe if I really know her that much.. and im with her for a long period ..coz not all good impressions last
@dloveli (4369)
• United States
28 Apr 08
I think friendship is one of the most difficult things to maintain. People change so much that its hard to tell where there hearts are. It is human nature to see the best in people. But at what cost? dl
@febinsoft (213)
• India
27 Apr 08
As i my experience. I have made so much friends where ever i go i make friends. But as i am not permanent in a place. As i leave one place i have a pain that they are not near. I have 2 best friends. I don't think they remember me but i will remember them till the end. It's true that friends are also over best enemies. I have never seen a friend who is 100% true. A friend should satisfy this condition "A friend in need is a friend indeed". Then there is a meaning for friendship.
@dloveli (4369)
• United States
27 Apr 08
I think in your case the fact that you are not permanent allows you to keep a certain amount of distance where your emotions are concerned. I think our definition of a "best friend" differs as well. In my case, to be considered a best friend a person and myself have to share special moments. A best friend is someone you can rely on almost like a sibling. They have your back no matter what. In your case you seem to rely on the goodness in the moment to decide the status of your friendships. I wish I was more like you. I wouldnt have soo much disappointment. THe fact that you are not permanent for me is a plus. You're able to experience the good stuff with the occasional squabble. Then for what ever the reason you move on to new people and experiences. THis way all you keep is the memories. That is awesome! You are lucky. I must wonder if sometimes you did wish it was permanent. Good Luck! DL
@KrauseHome (35517)
• United States
26 Apr 08
I am becoming really leary of allowing anyone into my life anymore to consider them a friend, and it is so hard to find others you can really Trust no matter what, and know they will be there for you thru the thick and then thin. Over the yrs. I too have lost contact or interest in a lot of the people I once thought I was friends with. A lot of it is you learn to outgrow each other as you then have nothing in common anymore, move away, etc. to where it is not easy to be there friend. And then when you do allow yourself to get close to someone even when you disagree with something they are doing, they tend to not want the help, and so they use it against you to where you are better off without them. I used to have a close friend at work who I used to be able to talk with, go out to eat with from time to time, etc. but then we had a disagreement to where the others at work took her side and blamed me for everything to now even when I have tried to apologize, etc. she still won't even talk to me. But I feel maybe it is for the Best, and someday she will see that the others will never care when things get Bad and she will miss having someone who cared. But if she never does, that is up to her as well. So now I am cautious, but I do have one close friend. She lives in NJ, and I am here in WA State, so we are many miles apart. We have been close Email friends for like 10 yrs. now or there abouts. I did get the chance last summer to go meet her and her husband, and it was an awesome time. Even though it would be nice to see her more than we can, maybe this is the best way to keep this friendship close is thru the distance.
@dloveli (4369)
• United States
26 Apr 08
It seems that no matter where we live, its all the same. I thought it would get better when I got older. NOT! I have gotten so tired of the drama, I have shut myself off to anything more than "Hi, how are you?" I know it sounds so awful. I have a daughter that needs me and I dont want to waste time on friends that may not be true. I know nothing is guaranteed but I am tired of being hurt. I have searched over and over in my head and I cant figure out where I became the victim. Good luck! dl
• Philippines
26 Apr 08
Yeah, I feel the same way as you do dloveli. Actually, I also had a conflict with my friends but I think it was some kind of misinterpretation and misunderstanding in one. They didn't leave me because of something I had done, they left me because they believed that I was someone I am really not. I can't defend myself because I'm not that kind of person who can stand up for myself, cause I'll rather defend others than myself. Like you, I really value friendship like as much as my life, so I also get carried away by the promises of it. For now, I don't know if I'll ever find a way to get them back, but I'll be waiting for them... I don't need them to ask my forgiveness, just a hug and we're good again. But in my case, I'll wait for them. I can't defend myself from what happened but I assure them I'm not really the one to blame. I actually resolved not to have any friends in college. maybe I'll make acquaintances, but if I feel that someone is prepared to accept me and he/she seems to be a true friend, I'll grab the chance to move on, move on but not to forget what I left before.
@dloveli (4369)
• United States
26 Apr 08
You know its funny. As I read these responses, I wish that I lived closer to some of you. I think we could be the answer to each other's problem. Although I have heard the horrors of internet relationships, friendships etc. I think that if you take things at face value and dont expect too much. It may be ok. Dont rush into any kind of relationship. Not even a friendship. If you need to vent, I am here. I am tired of rethinking what I could have done or not done. I dont think I could have kept any of them. They were on a different path. Maybe its the same for you. If you need a friend, I am here. dl
• Philippines
28 Apr 08
i treat all the people who's been good to me as a friend. i have so many friends.... but i'm not really counting them coz i classified my friendships as a friends, close friends and best friends. i have 7 close friends in my life and i have 2 bestfriend.... they even call me a girl with countless friends...
• India
27 Apr 08
friend are part of life so one having frienf is in good world of this universe now tye disscussion here is hw much we wait to make a friend it such depend on the personal behaviour of one hw he and the opposite one presents himself in front of each other,.......
• United States
27 Apr 08
i dont believe that friends come and go. the people that come into your life and than leave shouldnt be called friends. i believe that (friend) is a very powerful word and that not everybody deserves to be called a friend until they really show you how much you mean to them. if you knew the girl your whole life and than she left you for another friend you should of never let her back in your life years later because somebody that leaves you for somebody else doesnt deserve a second chance. that is why it is good not to get too attached to people, because they always leave. unless they truly care and love you and there are very few of those.
@timou87 (1642)
• Singapore
27 Apr 08
a Friend is not a title i easily confer on another person. people tend to use this term very loosely, calling people they have only met for two or three times as their friends. but for me, i feel that a true friend, would be someone you could trust, someone you could discuss your problems freely without fear of prejudice, and someone who would stnad by you, not necessarily actively help you, whenever you are met with any difficulties.