thing to decide right now about my situation..what to do now?

May 3, 2008 1:25pm CST
I always think thats easy in maintaining cordial relationship until i saw my own parents not behaving so well with my wife..Even though my wife took care of them so well..they dint even have the courtesy to treat her well..For them,my sister who has got married and settled in the US is more important than anyone else in this world..and even after my wife took care of them so well,they have the habit of complaining about her to others and had even harrassed her ..which i found out months later..My wife is very well educated and is very adjusting..After all these happening,even now.. she still has a soft corner for my parents..I feel so guilty that my parents are behaving like that to her..and my parents are so rude ,that they said me directly that they need me just for money..and they think that am acting according to my wife's directives and not treating them well by giving them lots of money..They do get their pension and they are quite well off too..and they spend all my money for nothing..they just go around places..spend all my money to send parcels to their daughter frm India to USA..( she never even cares to ask about us even by email)...and they literally waste it..And i feel bad when i see my hard earned money being wasted..And its high time to save some money for my future..Am i doing the right thing??or should i still support my parents and try not to save anything for my future??I came out of India and right now am living seperately with my wife here in the UK..and i never feel like talking to them ever!
8 people like this
13 responses
@traengle (145)
• United States
3 May 08
wow that's a tough situation.... your wife sounds like she is very outgoing for your parents no reason they shouldn't accept her and since they are pretty well off I would def cut them off and yes most certainly start saving for your future it's nice to help your family out but you and your wife are clearly being taken advantage of, if your own parents say they only want you for your money it will be hard on your feelings but I would let them go completely. It is not fair to you or your wife, you did nothing wrong don't even feel guilty. Sorry your in such a sad situation...hope you get your problem resolved.
4 people like this
3 May 08
Oh thank u so much..i decided to cut them off completely..and i even said this to them directly..the shocking fact is they said they have spent me so much to bring me up and asking me to pay for it and then get cut off from them..(so cheap..and they are actually quite well off..)I said i will do that ..but then my wife says i should not do that..and still has soft corner for them and is saying "losing words are easy..but its tough to lose a relationship"..My wife is honestly very adjusting..coz no gal will put up with all these non sense stuffs that my parents do and being a very good doctor by herself and running up a clinic which is very well estabilished back in India..she has no reason to put up with all this..Yet she never complains about these things and always has that cute smile on her face..even when she gets pi$$ed off!Just coz she loves me and Thats what is keeping me going...
2 people like this
@traengle (145)
• United States
3 May 08
your wife sounds like a great woman and sounds like you will have a very happy life with her so enjoy your life together. My husband's parents are a little like yours when the money issue comes to hand, they were not well off however they lived beyond their means and kinda dug themselves a hole, and his father said things that would agitate me to no end...he felt that since he raised him and financially supported him as a child that my hubby now owed him and one time my hubby landed this great job where he was doing great and his dad said to me "too bad my son is so stingie and won't share his money" that floored me, he had just gotten the job , we had no savings and we had a child on the way and I wasn't working.We have helped them as much as we could in their time of need but to feel your child owes you, I can't grasp that concept. I was brought up in a totally different environment, my parents would never demand that I owed them. It's our parents choice to have us, we don't choose to be born, yes respect ypur parents, love them, help them in a time of need , be grateful they gave you life but you do not owe them for that...just enjoying watching your kids grow and learn should be payment enough....sorry I rambled a bit...good luck!!!
2 people like this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
3 May 08
Hi venkat, I believe you may have done the right thing by moving away. This sometimes happens in families, and it is really sad when it does. Your wife sounds like a very nice person, how does she feel about your parents now? They may have a change of heart later and feel bad about the things that they have said and done. I hope that sometime you will be able to forgive your parents and want to see them again. Blessings.
3 people like this
3 May 08
Thanks for ur response..and regarding my wife,she has some displeasure over all these things done by my parents but never shows it off..And i have never ever seen her unhappy ,she was always bubbly and cheerful,full of energy..but i now feel guilty that i made her lose her constant smile..she is no more bubbly or cheerful..though she is ok with everything as of now..and is happy to be with me than to be with anyone else..I feel like a loser,i thought i can give her a good family but instead i made her happiness to wane off..thats what i feel and whenever i see her face i feel so guilty..of spoiling her happiness.. :)Its just her love that keeps me going now...When i asked her out that i could sense many changes in her,she just said me these words.. "only now am seeing the real world around me..i was always a protected child and galfriend..but now am learning things..and this is how m ought to be,ur clever wife"and winked at me! Thats it,and i fell for her all over again:)
2 people like this
@winterose (39921)
• Canada
3 May 08
keep your money for your future, one day you will have a family of your own, and there will be no money for them, furthermore tell your parents that you are their son but you are not their slave, you are married now and you have a wife and if they cannot except her and all the good things she has done for them then you will not accept them anymore either.
3 people like this
• Philippines
3 May 08
I agree here with winterose. Stop giving them money and start saving for your future. I think they'll understand being them parents also, unless they have a different motives. It's good your wife is very understanding. For other wives it will be war. Good luck.
2 people like this
@mefadon3 (299)
• United States
3 May 08
Well I think that you should not continue supporting your parents if this is what they think of you. You should think about your financial future and you should not allow them to treat you this way. I think you should continue to love them and contact them but don"t give them anymore money.
3 May 08
mm..what to do if they say me not to call up them if i dont have an idea of giving them more money ...they want me to support them as well as my sister(who is married and settled in the US ...but still keeps demanding everything from her parents ..who inturn are trying to exploit me..The pitiest thing is,my sister's husband is also a high official in the software industry and he never objects to any of the things my sister does..and all of these folks are much well off than me)am a software prof and my wife a doctor,and i think its high time to start and raise a family for myself instead of looking after these folks..
2 people like this
@taface412 (3177)
• United States
3 May 08
If they have the means to support their life by a pension of their own, whether they choose to use it for your sister or for their own life, stop enabling them. And that is in a sense what you are doing. I know it is hard when it comes to relationships with parents. Maybe if they learn to live on their own money they will realize your sister has her own family, being married and all. and no one should ever be taken for granted when they care about people. ANd the fact that your wife still respects them as people shows a lot of character on her part. Good luck.
2 people like this
3 May 08
:) Im overwhelmed with these responses...till now i thought i never had anyone whom i can ask for advice for these kind of issues..and being a newbie in mylot,i initially had an hesitation to put all these here..but i couldnt contain it myself either..but now i feel mylotters like u have given me the right advice and its high time i take this as my decision..Decision making was not easier like this for me before..Thanks for ur support and response :)
1 person likes this
@taface412 (3177)
• United States
3 May 08
sometimes get anonymous help is better....plus you alreay made your decision by the sound of it. You just needed that added push like everyone else.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164672)
• Garden Grove, California
3 May 08
venkat as they are not treating your beloved wife as they should I think its time you saved for your own future and cut down on what you give to your parents.right now your first obligation is to your wife.since they do not feel that they need you for anything other than that money do not feel obliged to assist them further.look now to your and your wife's futures and save for that. God bless and happy future.
2 people like this
3 May 08
Thank u for ur response..And i think what u say is the most sensible thing am ought to do right now... need for the hour!hats off hatley
1 person likes this
• United States
3 May 08
Well, it sounds like you are in a tough situation. And no one can tell you what's best for your life. But if I were in your shoes(and thankfully I'm not) I would cut off my money. If your parents are doing fine without it, and you are beginning to feel consious of your future. Then you have to do what's best for your family. If your parents can't handle it, then they are showing you how they really feel. It hurts me to hear thing like this, since I have such a great relationship with my parents. I really feel for you and wish you all the best. Support your wife, and comfort her. ~peace and blessings~
@faith210 (11233)
• Philippines
4 May 08
Hi venkat2002! I think it is just right that you have to put your foot down on this. You have such a kind wife and it is just right that she should be accorded the same kindness that she has freely given to your parents. You have to let your parents know that your wife is your family and your priority. If they can't respect her, then it is about time that they have to go on life without your help. Your wife is very understanding for she is letting you freely give money to your parents. But I guess, it is about time to save for your future. Even if they are your parents, they have not given you and your wife the respect and consideration both of you deserve. It is time to teach them a valuable lesson. Let them feel how it is to live without you. In time they will realize the value of having a son and a daughter in law who have been always there for them but have lost them because of their wicked behavior. Just my thoughts dear friend. Take care and have a nice day!
1 person likes this
4 May 08
Thanks for ur response..and what u say is absolutely the right thing to do when am in this position..and thats why i left my country and am here..I dont even feel like seeing them again! :)and i dont feel guilty for that either!!They get what they deserve:)
1 person likes this
@faith210 (11233)
• Philippines
4 May 08
Hi venkat2002! Good luck dear friend! I do wish that you will be successful in life for you are such a good person and you deserve it. Take care and have a nice day!
• India
4 May 08
Hmm, typical situation!! Your post reminded me of four lines of poetry. My Mom is currently writing a critique of the life works of a popular Konkani lyricist, and recently she read out four lines out of his lyrics because it struck her in a special way. Roughly translated, here they go: "Mother, you are special coz you are mother If my wife can't adjust with you, let her go I can get another wife; it is possible But, you mother, I will never get another mother again." These four lines hurt me in an odd sort of way coz once in the remote past, I was a wife; a sort of animal expected to adjust with horrible in-laws. My education and the simple fact that I was a writer (quite a popular one in Konkani) and a lecturer in a reputed college did nothing to raise my reputation in their eyes. Needless to say, the marriage broke coz most men in this society believe a wife is easily available. If one can't adjust with their Mom or if their Mom does not like the wife, they can obtain another. My ex was not an exception. Your post sparked hope; it is great to see that men are changing, especially Indian men!! It is also great to note that you understand and support your wife. Even if a woman is not educated and a bit dumb, she does not deserve harsh treatment from her in-laws. If I were you, I would give top priority to my marriage. I would provide for my parents financially coz after all they brought me to this world and took care of me. If they fell sick and needed my attention, I would rush to their bedside and take care of them. But my wife would come first, naturally! The girl who left her parents to share my life would naturally receive my greatest care, love, and support, and my duty to my parents (especially if they are financially well off) would come next. Cheers and wish you all the best.
4 May 08
well said...! :)Another best response...
@winterose (39921)
• Canada
4 May 08
thank you so much for best response, hon, I really appreciate it.
1 person likes this
4 May 08
Its my pleasure.. and its for u all mylotters..who have given me valuable advice and to do what am supposed to do...the concern and the people..this is worth more than any money in this world... :)
@Citychic (4078)
• United States
18 Aug 09
Hello Venkat, how are you today? Just happened to be coming across your discussion and I am very sorry to hear that you've found yourself in such a torn predicament. It must be very difficult for you. Well how do I start this out, It sounds as if your parents are upset because you chose to marry this particular young lady, that happened to be your wife. So I am not sure what their reasons might be for dis- liking her but the point of the matter is that you like her and you thought enough of her to marry her. But sometimes parents just want to have so much say in their children's lives and I find that goes on quite a lot within the indian culture and sometimes even in many other cultures. Anyhow, what I want to say to you is to just give your parents some time. It will take them a while to get used the idea that you are now married and that you are making your own decisions. You should stand your ground with them and let them know that you will not tolerate being manipulated or mistreated by them. Now will you allow them to continue to mistreat you wife. Also you need to kindly tell them, that you would appreciate it if they would treat your wife with a little bit more kindness and respect because as of this time, she is your other half. As for you giving your parents money, well let's just say that is your own personal choice whether you choose to do this or not. Since it sounds like to me they have plenty of money of their own. Not to mention, the fact that they aren't suffering, for anything, so I would have to say, why don't you just stop giving them money because you are not obligated to have to do so. Not unless it's something that you'd simply choose to do out of the kindness of your heart. Finally Venka, if you've tried a few of these things that I have mentioned, such as having a little heart to heart talk with them about your wife. As well as stop giving them money because you have your own bills to pay and things that you'd like to do in life with your money. And if they still want to continue acting unpleasant to you and your wife. You may find that you might need to distant yourself away from them for a little while...... if for no other reason, so as to protect yourself from further abuse and mistreatment. God bless you my friend, you will be in my prayers.
• United States
4 May 08
Family isn't about people who use you and make you feel bad about yourself. Family is about caring like you do for your wife. And like your wife does for you. I'm sure she is less than happy about your parent's treatment of her but is being the bigger person for your sake. It's okay to stop paying your parent's way. They are not entitled to it. It is MORE than okay for you to set boundaries of acceptable behavior towards yourself and your wife. If they choose not to honor those boundaries then they have chosen to not be a part of your life. Not you. Ask yourself...would you expect your children (when and if you have them) to do what you are expected to do by your parents? If the answer is no, then you are being asked for too much. I'm sorry this is happening to you. It is horrible to be treated this way by strangers and devastating when it is family doing it.
• United States
3 May 08
Is it not most likely a cultural heritage that dictates your caring for your parents and any other elderly relation? Perhaps this is making your wife feel guilty as well as yourself? As I am not fully schooled in your cultural background, I am not aware of what monetary provisions are made by children for their parents in retirement or old age. If your parents are indeed receiving a large enough pension, it would seem that it would be an advantage to you to remain in control of your own earnings, rather than passing on a large sum of it to your parents, who appear to be wasting it. My only suggestion would be to speak with a neutral counselor or even an attorney to inform your parents of your situation, which is to save money for your own future, particularly since they seem to be quite comfortable with their own pension. If you choose to inform your parents of your intentions, you will probably have to be prepared for a backlash of guilt and blame towards you, as they have obviously become comfortable in utilizing your funds and have at the same time begun to feel entitled to them. It is your choice to break the cycle in order to have a more productive life for you and your wife. You obviously have not signed a contract with your parents to provide these funds, so there is no legal binding--other than what I said in the first of this posting--a cultural obligation. Possibly a cooling off period with your parents would be good for you, and for them. The best to you and your wife in whatever you decide in this matter.