Bad mother?

@mimm45 (168)
Australia
May 15, 2008 4:57pm CST
My sister-in-law puts herself first before her children. She goes for a weekly manicure and monthly facial but when her children ask her for school money she says she doesn't have any. She owns 2 mobile phones though she's not in any kind of busines nor is she working. She always goes out with friends (sometimes playing cards) leaving the children in the care of their grandmother. She expects everything to be paid for by the grandmother. I have had to help out the children too - paying their school fees or giving them lunch money. It has always been like this throughout their childhood. It's really annoying. I've had enough. How should I tell her that what she's doing is not right?
3 people like this
7 responses
@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
15 May 08
I would try to leave it up to the grandmother and other family to talk to her about it. Talk to her family and ask them to talk to her otherwise she could continue to do this. This is not at all behavior that a child should learn, and I would hope that it can be stopped before the kids get old enough to understand what is going on. I hope everything is worked out soon, but please if you do wish to talk to her yourself, be mindful that she could lash out and your friendship be over. Make sure that is what your ready for. Good luck with talking to the family and / or her.
1 person likes this
@mimm45 (168)
• Australia
16 May 08
The kids already do know what's going on. They are already in university. I have spoken to her about this. She refused to acknowledge that she is being selfish. We had a big fight and we're not best of friends anymore. I still want her to realize that what she's doing is wrong - that's why I want to talk to her about this.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
16 May 08
Wow, and yet she has not learned? I assume you have helped with University Fees? Wow, how do they feel about this? do you know? I hope she wakes up and smells the coffee
@mrbranan (1012)
• United States
15 May 08
I am proably more blunt than most and not as patient either. I would have blown my top along time ago and told her listen you have children and they need things and its your responsibility to provide it. Stop being so selfish and think of your children for a change. I am sorry I just have no patience for anyone who would put themselves or anything else for that matter above thier children.
@mimm45 (168)
• Australia
16 May 08
I have blown my top years ago and bluntly told her that she is being selfish. She denies this. We had a big fight and didn't talk for years. Now she is friendly to me again while I only talk to her if she speaks to me first. We'll never be best friends again.
• Canada
15 May 08
This lady need a wakeup call, and those children need a better environment. If the woman was not going to put her children first, she never should hae had children. I would definitely tell her that what she is doing is wrong, for the sake of the children!
1 person likes this
@jonesy123 (3950)
• United States
15 May 08
I would have said something a long time ago, lol. But I can understand that it is difficult to approach her about this. A united front with other relatives is a good way to go. But I doubt the grandmother will go for it. Is the grandmother you are referring to her mother, or your mother? The latter might have a more open ear for your complaints. If she is her mother, then she has been enabling her her entire life and she won't stop it but probably badmouth you, too. I can't even think about putting myself first. I have never understood that attitude. But there is many mothers out there, who do it. However, not being able to even pay for school but having a weekly manicure and monthly facial, wow. I feel sorry for the children. Even worse, she is setting a bad example for them. Here is a sneaky approach to this. I'm not sure if it will work but give it a try. Make note of everything you pay for the girls, especially school fees and lunch money. Then casually start asking their mother for money. Just small amounts here and there, something like a dollar here, five dollars there. Make up an excuse as to why you need to 'loan' the money. Keep track of how much she is willing to cough up that way. If she confronts you, and she will ask for her 'loan' back, then pull out both lists, tally up the total, and then tell her, that you paid x for the girls for school fees, lunch money, etc, and you borrowed y from her to be able to cover the costs, that would mean she would still owe you z. And believe me, she'll still end up owing you, lol. Unfortunately, she'll still probably not care and for your nieces' sake, you'll still end up paying for things for them. I don't envy your situation.
@mimm45 (168)
• Australia
16 May 08
That is a very interesting idea that you have given me. Unfortunately, I cannot do that now as I live far away from her. Come to think of it, my niece borrowed some money from me for her school fees promising to give it back when her mother gives her the money. It took months before I got it all back and I had to constantly remind her. She just kept saying she had no money yet. By the way, the grandmother is my mother. And she feels the same way as me. She finds it difficult to confront her too. My brother is not working right now. Do you think she's doing it this time to make up for what my brother lacks? This shouldn't be so because we've been 'carrying' her/them for some time.
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
3 Apr 10
You can tell her but I doubt it'll change anything. Like you said she puts herself before her children. There are some women like that. Eventually the kids will get old enough to fend for themselves and in the meantime the kids have ppl like their grandmother and you to help them out. [b]**AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~[/b]
@sidcool (68)
• India
16 May 08
yeah u should tell her about this.bcoz in my view shes not doing right.u shuld stop paying the school fees of childrens and tell her to pay the fees .you should also tell the grandmother that she not take care of childrens,when she stop taking care,the mother herself has to take care of her child.and u sould also tell her childrens to go with their mom whereever she goes
@selby70 (283)
16 May 08
I have got a friend just like that going out at weekends and would let her daughter do without, I stopped speaking to her years ago when her daughter was young as I could not stand to watch her treat her daughter like that I am now speaking to her again and her daughter has got 2 children now and her mother treats her grandchildren the same as she treated her daughter, and her daughter has always said she would not do to her children what her mother did to her but she does. I have often said to my friend about how she could do the things she has done and she just laughts.