What would you do if your friend ask you to help her to scape from her husband?

South Korea
May 26, 2008 6:10am CST
Most of Filipinas (including me) her in South korea got married through matching. It takes alot courage to adjust and to survive here in Korea. Specially for the fact that you marry someone you don't really know that much.One more thing is the communication problem. Only a few koreans know how to speak English .I'm just lucky that my hubby is one of them. I first met this Filipina when we visited our uncle who happened to be their neighbor.From that day on, she started to call me and ask me so many things about the korean life, in which I do appreciate so much 'cause I know that she's trusting me. But what bothers me is when she asked me to help me so she can run away from her husband. It's only a month since she arrived here in korea and I think she's not making any effort to learn and appreciate her husband. What do you think?
4 people like this
28 responses
@ZephyrSun (7385)
• United States
26 May 08
Being from the US I couldn't imagine being married to someone I hardly know. What if that person is awful to be with? What do you do to get away from that? Is your friend being abused? I really do try to be open minded when it comes to different cultures and whatnot but it really seems strange to do this. I knew and date my husband for over a year before we got married and I find myself thinking, if I would have known that before we got married I think I would have said no I won't marry you until you quit doing this. Your friend should have to get to know her husband after marriage, you are suppose to have a good idea and then get to know them better after the wedding. That's just how I feel about this.
3 people like this
• South Korea
26 May 08
I think she's not being abused physically. She arrived here about a month ago. What she only mentioned is that she wants to go back home. I don't know the real story why she wants to escape. Her house is an hour drive from us. She just told me about that "escaping issue" last night when she called me. Thanks for your comment.
2 people like this
@juliefaye (1214)
• Philippines
26 May 08
It's a very difficult situation you are in. While it is our culture to help our fellowmen in need, the help she is asking from you is not that easy. You have to meddle in a marital problem and both of you are in a foreign country for which you are not so familiar with the laws (i guess) on marriage. Maybe you can help her to go to the Philippine Embassy or any Philippine non-governmental organization there and discuss her problems. If I were on your shoe, I won't help her to run away because the responsibility of helping her would all be in your shoulder. You can help her by asking help from the proper authorities. It is just my opinion, and the decision is still yours. If it were all in our country, I won't hesitate to help her run away with her husband if the case is battery.
2 people like this
• South Korea
26 May 08
Your right Juliefaye. It's so hard to be in this situation. I want to help her but in the right way. I don't want her to be one of those filipina who run away (TNT) and not sure about their future. She's so young (18 yrs. old) .
2 people like this
@juliefaye (1214)
• Philippines
27 May 08
Goodness, she's so young and don't have the experience to handle the situation. You should guide her and don't let another filipina lurked in the dark. Please be a blessing to her and God will surely bless you.
@longbangod (1791)
• Philippines
26 May 08
Seems to be a hard situation. I hope by now you are already well adjusted with your life there and of course you already learn to love your husband. As to the case of your friend. You have to advise her and let her understand things. Since she's new there she might ba having a hard time to adopt the situation she's in but perhaps with your help, she could be enlightened. Running away from her husband might not be the best solution of her problem but might push her to a more complicated situation.
2 people like this
• South Korea
26 May 08
Yes long, I've adjusted myself already. There are still some problems that I am encountering but they're just a mild one. I don't have hard time about my husband. He knows how to speak English, that's one advantage for me 'cause he's helping me to adjust well with the culture and tradition of Korea. He's not perfect but he's trying his best. About my friend,I just talked to her a while ago. I advised her to know first the true character of her husband. I will try to give her all the support that she needs, so that she will forget thinking about running away. Thanks Long.
1 person likes this
@ambkeb (782)
• United States
26 May 08
Wow, I am sorry that your friend has asked that of you. I am from the US and I'm not sure how I would adapt to being married to a man I didnt know. I "dated" my husband for 5 years before we decided to get married. Is your friend from the same culture as you and her husband? Would her leaving even be accepted? I'm sorry, I just do not really understand how your culture does things. But if I were you, I would most likely tell her no. You would have to live with knowing for the rest of your life that you helped someone that way. Would you be able to live with that?
1 person likes this
• South Korea
26 May 08
Korean matching is a little weird. But I did it anyway. I was just one of the lucky survival. I think my friend needs a little bit education about the reality of marrying a korean man. Also to learn the language and culture. I don't want her to have unhealthy decision. Thanks for the comment.
1 person likes this
@nanajanet (4436)
• United States
27 May 08
Did you get more details from her as to why she wants to leave? I would find out more before making such a decision.
• South Korea
28 May 08
Yes I did. She said that she's so bored and homesick. I made my decision already. I told her that I will not help her if her plan of running away. I would help her in some other way. Just like for example , I sent some books for her to learn more about korean language. I still don't know how she will response to it. Thanks for the comment.
• United States
26 May 08
You are definitly in a bad spot. I guess like everyone else has said you need to know if she is being abused or not? The other question you might not have thought of yet is what would your husband think or do if he found out you had helped her? Your marriage must come first!
1 person likes this
• South Korea
27 May 08
Oh...I didn't thought of that. I've set aside my husband's opinion about it. Thanks for reminding me. I have to ask him about the issue. Thanks so much.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 May 08
i guess lene she just missing back home if her husband not abusing her.but we don't know unless u know the whole story.we cannot jump out into conclusion right away so i guess better u talk her more,ask her what's going on even it's not ur business coz maybe there is a big issue why she wants to escape.
1 person likes this
• South Korea
26 May 08
That's the first thing i though Leng, but I guess I really need to visit her again. I'm just finding time to do it. My work is from monday to sunday. I hope to find in between for her.Thanks for your comment .
1 person likes this
@maliki2 (255)
• United States
26 May 08
This matching or buy a bride type of things are kind of scarey. If she doesn't want to anything to do with this guy, then she should get out. Maybe you should help her if she is a real good friend.
1 person likes this
• South Korea
26 May 08
You're absolutely right. That's how I felt during my first month here in Korea. But I just open my heart to embraced all the good things that Korea has to offer. I just wish that my friend is as strong as I am. I will help her but, we need to balance the situation first. Thanks for your comment.
@cyntrow (8524)
• United States
27 May 08
I can't advise you. I married my husband because I loved him. We dated, became friends and fell in love and our love has grown. My brain screams that Yes, you should absolutely help her leave if she is not happy. My brain screams that this is a barbaric and backwoods way to make a marraige. But I cannot understand cultural norms. so I suggest you ask questions. Does he beat her? Does he control her? Is he mean to her? I don't know what to say. I'm trying to be respectful. Send her to America where she can marry am man she falls in love with and there can be a mutual respect. I just don't get the arranged marraige in the 21st century. Help me understand and perhaps I can help you more. Does this situation bother you? Would you not prefer marrying someone you love and someone you choose? Does the male spouse have a choice? Is there any equality? Help me understand. Thanks.
• South Korea
27 May 08
Hi cyntrow. Thanks for the comment. Korean matching goes like this, a korean men will look at the resume of one or more filipina which includes their pictures. When the korean decided and choose one, he will visit Philippines to meet that woman. They will then get marry the day after the korean arrives.After two weeks , the korean will return to korea and the woman will wait for her visa to be release.
@cyntrow (8524)
• United States
28 May 08
Are you happy?? In your marriage, are you happy?? I just don't understand marriage without love. I'm trying. Does he make you happy? Does he make you feel like a queen? I really need to know before replying. Thanks so much.
• South Korea
28 May 08
At first it's really so hard. But my husband is supportive and kind. He can speak English, that's why it is not so hard for me to express what I want. In this time of my life with him, I would say that I am happy, specially that we have our adorable son. My husband helped me to be what I am now. I have a job that I enjoys so much. I'm happy.Thanks for asking.
@checapricorn (16066)
• United States
26 May 08
That is very sad. It's great to know that she trust you and talking about that problem is something very private and serious.I am sure she mean it and worst is if her husband hurt her, I hope not! Have you talked to her or asked her the reasons? it's still a month and maybe also they are still adjusting to each other.. I advise you to be with her and always encourage her about marriage life, one month is too early for her to judge their relationship not unless she is hurt physically. Maybe you need to advice her to talk to her husband and let them settle whatever problems they have!
• South Korea
27 May 08
That's the bad thing. Her husband doesn't speak english, and I'm not fluent with korean either. But i will try. She told me that , she will just talk to her husband that she wants to go back home. But i guess it will not work. Her husband spent $10,000 to marry her. I will talk to my friend again and convince her to think a hundred times before deciding something. Thanks for the comment.
• United States
27 May 08
wow! That must be hard deciding to marry someone who can't speak with the same language! Maybe both of them need to study the languages that each one is fluent too at least not only one will adjust. She decided to marry that in spite of the difference, So, I guess, she has to do something to improve their relationship and communication!
• South Korea
28 May 08
Absolutely right. As the saying says'"It takes two to tango". She has to do her part too. Thanks.
@keiona (30)
• United States
14 Jun 08
Hi can I add you as my friend? I'm also filipino, I think I heard about matching to korean guy when I was in Philippines. Pero hindi ko alam kung paano makakita ng korean hehehe, anyway, baka may depresyon yung filipina friend mo, at saka baka na culture shock sya, mahirap kasi yan lao na her husband is a total stranger to her, tapos mahirap pa magkacommunicate!!! Napakaswerte mo at ang napangasawa mo ay magkaintindihan kayo, yan ba ang baby ninyo? ang cute nya!!!
• South Korea
14 Jun 08
Of course, It's my pleasure to be your friend. By the way, there is one rule about joining a discussion. We have to speak only english because the mylot staffs are not billingual to understand our mother tongue language. Thanks for the comment by the way.
@keiona (30)
• United States
14 Jun 08
Sorry, I I'm kinda new and I didn't know the rule yet!!! my apologies.
@fec139 (803)
• United States
29 May 08
Wow!! That's a tough call! I don't think I would get involved in such a risky thing, unless her husband is abusing her, of course!
• South Korea
29 May 08
Yeah , that's right. It takes a lot of courage to help her, by the way, she escaped already.But i did't helped her. I don't know where she is now!Thanks for sharing your idea.
• United States
27 May 08
Why does she want to run away from her husband. Is it an abusive relationship. Sorry, I'm a single, independant single mother of 3. If ya want out of the relationship, get out of it. Learn and appreciate. That's a 2 way street. If he don't do the same, he ain't getting it from me. I don't honor or obey noone if I don't get it in return. Maybe I just don't understand your culture. I'd help her if I was you.
• South Korea
27 May 08
I'm willing to help her, but she must first do her part. It's only a month that they are together. I guess it's so early to decide. She's not mentioning any physical abuse. Only communication problem and homesick. Thanks for dropping by.
@subha12 (18453)
• India
27 May 08
i can underatnd. may be she found no body to ask for help. she thinks you cam help her. in this situation i would have done what i felt coreect. try to make her i=understand taht you just do not want to get all messed up in this.
• South Korea
27 May 08
Indeed. Everytime we talked on the phone, i always remind her that i will help her to adjust to korean life but not to help her to go back home.Thanks for the comment.
@plumwish07 (4060)
• Indonesia
27 May 08
actually i really confusing to see your friend. in what reasons that she wanna escape from her husband? is it all about the matters of different cultures or there is some harsh thing that her husband did to her, i mean in physically? if you are think that she is not able to give lots of effort to learn and appreciate her husband then in my suggestion that you should leave her alone. i know its hard but she should manage this matter with her own self not by helping from others. by marrying person who lives abroad than in same country as like us, there are lots of thing that should be considered, adjustment and sacrified. she already married with korean so she should bear the consequences to follow her husband stays in korea not in her home country
• South Korea
27 May 08
You're right. I've done my part as a friend. I gave her all the advised that she needed. It's up to her to decide.Thanks for the comment.
@fifileigh (3619)
• United States
27 May 08
i think either tell her to get counseling even if u r the one who ends up counseling them or get a divorce. escape? what is this? this is 2008! u need a civilized way of working it out, whether divorce or counseling..
• South Korea
27 May 08
thanks for the comment. Korean do it in an old fashion way. They will not spend time for counseling. Definetly not for divorce. (as of this moment). It's not that easy for them to let go since they spend a lot of money for marrying her. I'm still convincing her to do things slowly and to learn to accept her husband.
@Elixiress (3893)
27 May 08
I think that if she is not happy with him then she should leave him, I do not believe in marrying people that you do not want to spend the rest of your life with, therefore I am against arranged marriages and similar types of marriage. I would probably weigh out the pros and cons of helping her, eg would helping her put me in danger? Is he a dangerous man? etc.
• South Korea
27 May 08
Sometimes when a person is angry , she can't appreciate good things about someone. I think that's what my friend is having right now. Thanks for the comment.
@galuut (25)
• Malaysia
27 May 08
First of all you should ask what was happen why she run away from her husband and advise her to think about the future of thier children if have and maybe can advise them to get a counseling.
• South Korea
27 May 08
She arrived here a month ago. They don't have baby yet. I asked her already and adviced her so much, and I hope she will decide well. Thanks for the comment.
• Philippines
27 May 08
Depends on the situation.Sorry.It's so shocking for me to see such news and in fairness,your friend is just about my age.Well,I hope everything works out well for her and her husband.I think it's not yet too late to fix things.
• South Korea
27 May 08
Thanks. I do hope too. I guess it's not depending on what age are you to get marry but it's about being responsible and prepared for the battle that you will be engaging in.
• Philippines
27 May 08
I'm a Filipina, and I have to admit that for me it would take a lot of courage to marry someone who's a stranger to me...I commend you and your friend for having that courage...but I think the downside of it is, you have very different culture with your husband and your friend's as well, it would be very difficult to adjust...not to mention you are far away from your family and with a whole new environment...hope your friend would give it some more time for her to adjust...it's been month anyways...
• South Korea
27 May 08
To tell you the truth, marrying a korean is a bit gamble of life. You don't know if you will win or loose. Courage is really the weapon to survive. Being away from your family is really so hard. I hope my friend will soon be fine with her life here.Thanks so much.
• Philippines
27 May 08
i never heard about Korean matching here in the Philippines..i'm a Filipina too and i was just surprise to know that this is happening.i'm glad you had adjusted so far with the culture there..i see most Koreans are kind anyway, thats what i've know for..maybe your friend just realize that she doesn't want it really and that she misses her family home..she hasn't adopt that culture yet not unlike you and i guess you can help her by introducing her more to Korean culture..if you know the places in Korea you can maybe ask her out..and you can tell her your story how you manage to catch up with their culture maybe it'll help her..
• South Korea
27 May 08
All of us who married korean experienced that feeling. We also missed our parents and friends. But we have to sacrifice things to grow. I am doing everything to help her.I don't want her to go home. Thanks for the comment.