I almost left him last night!

@kassdaw (593)
United States
May 28, 2008 11:35am CST
I had a bag packed and my shoes on. He is so lazy and doesn't do anything that I ask him to. Our son only has one parent, me. I take care of him and feed him. I take him to the doctors and give him his baths. I have been cooking alot lately too. I don't like that one bit. I do the laudry and work. I am also going to school. I wake up at 6 in the morning and don't get to sleep until after midnight everyday. I finally broke down last night. I pulled a muscle in my back last week and it isn't get better. It hurts worse everyday. My husband didn't really care and refused to help out so I could get better. So I freaked out and yelled and cried and even packed my clothes. Finally, I had this big strong man crying like a baby because he felt like so bad. I don't know if I can trust that things will change but if they don't I will leave.
4 people like this
14 responses
• United States
28 May 08
Was he always like this? If not, what changed?
2 people like this
@kassdaw (593)
• United States
28 May 08
No not always like this, he broke his leg, had surgery, lost his job and felt worthless. But I know I had to make him feel even worse before anything would change. Now I just hope it actually does change, he promised it would.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 May 08
Is it possible that he's depressed? Depression can really make it seem like a person is being lazy when in fact it's quite the opposite. Dig deep, there might be more to this than meets the eye.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 May 08
Also, I'd strongly suggest that he gets evaluaded by a doctor, he might need to go on medication for a while. Or see a counsoler (sp?) or both.
1 person likes this
@megaplaza (1438)
• Nigeria
28 May 08
hey do u also know that somehow you contributed to the way things are right now in ur life, you dont have to force things, just let things flow freely.
@kassdaw (593)
• United States
28 May 08
Yeah I did help it get this far, I haven't divorced him yet. I let him be lazy, I just picked up what he didn't. Letting things "flow" isn't a solution, it is the lazy way of working on a marriage.
1 person likes this
@megaplaza (1438)
• Nigeria
28 May 08
Just think of him being the ideal husband, picture it in ur mind when you are alone, just apply creative visualization and law of attraction and nature will turn your husband into the man you need in ur life, then don't just think of paying him back whenever he misbehaves, love him, dont raise ur voice against him when he is angry, make your points clear to him when he is in a good mood.just return to your first moves, i mean the way your guys use to relate before
1 person likes this
@kassdaw (593)
• United States
28 May 08
I shouldn't have to pretend in order to make my marriage work. Make believe isn't how to get through a problem.
@spalladino (17927)
• United States
28 May 08
You took the first step in helping your husband to change his ways a bit, you stood up for yourself and let him know that you won't take that treatment anymore. He's not going to change overnight but you've opened his eyes so now help him to keep them open. Be nice to him and give him a chance. People respond best to positive reinforcement so give him some direction, let him know what you need help with and see if he cooperates. If he does, be sure to let him know that you appreciate it.
1 person likes this
@kassdaw (593)
• United States
28 May 08
My husband isn't that type of person, he was raised by a marine. I have to make him see how I feel, I need to actually put him in his place before anything can happen. I will not hold his hand, he needs to figure out how to be a man I am not showing him how.
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17927)
• United States
28 May 08
You've already made him see how you feel and have put him in his place. A good relationship takes teamwork, the son of a marine should be able to understand that, and I realize that you're angry and frustrated, but you need to remember that, too. No one is a mind reader. If you want him to help more around the house or with the child then tell him what you need help with. If you leave it entirely up to him to figure out he will give up and then where will you be? Is your relationship important enough to for you to help him to be a better man or have you given up on it?
1 person likes this
@kassdaw (593)
• United States
28 May 08
I have tried talking for the past six months, nothing works with him. He rolls his eyes and tells me that it is all my head. So I think I was being as kind as I could. Our relationship and marriage is important to me but my son is more. I believe that Mem deserves better then just a father, he deserves to have his daddy. Teamwork is only worth anything if I am not the whole team. I have tried almost everything, and I'm more then happy that I finally broke last night. But thank you for your input.
• China
28 May 08
I feel angry.Does he know what love is and what responsibility is ?OH,horrible man.Sorry these words,but ,I cannot control,it is disgusting. kassdaw,I don't know what I should say.coz,I know little about your mind and the sittuation you in.but I understand your feeling. bless you
1 person likes this
@kassdaw (593)
• United States
28 May 08
Wow, someone that actually doesn't think I was in the wrong. I think I got through to him last night, this morning our son woke up at 7 and he got up before I even heard him on the monitor. I slept until 9 and freaked out when I woke up. I thought that I just ignored my son. But he was in his playpen and he had ate breakfast and was watching a movie. My husband was in the kitchen cleaning. He say that he wanted to help out so my back could heal before he starts his new job in two weeks.
• China
29 May 08
I'm happy to hear that..
@jillbeth (2711)
• United States
28 May 08
You aren't the only woman who is fed up and ready to leave! Welcome to the club. I don't know why men think all they have to do is bring home a paycheck and they've done their part. Why should we have to "freak out" on them to make them understand that we need some help, especially when we also work (or go to school, or both)?
1 person likes this
@megaplaza (1438)
• Nigeria
28 May 08
ALSO try to picture you dream husband, maybe a little bit of law of attraction will work, that implies that you get what you constantly think about, think and picture your husband having all the qualities that you desire.
1 person likes this
@mrsjbelle (1641)
• United States
28 May 08
Im sorry you are going thru that. Lets hope that may of been a wake up call to him to show him you are serious. I dont know how old you are but yes your child needs both parents to take care of him. I wish you the best and hope things get better.
1 person likes this
@foxyfire33 (10009)
• United States
28 May 08
I do agree with NuclearRabbit about the depression part, it does sound very much like that could be some of the problem. The one things that bugs me most is the fact that he cried and acted like he felt guilty...he very well might but in my experience that is just a head game to make you feel bad for him again. Just be careful and firm about your wishes. I know what it's like to be with a guy like that and it can be hard and frustrating.
1 person likes this
@magrylouyu (1632)
• United States
28 May 08
I am so sorry to hear this. My husband is quite lazy too. He does do some cooking though. He takes the kids to the store and even to the doctors. He just doesnt liketo bathe them. I have felt like this at times. I have told my husband actually recently that I was thinking of leaving him because of how he treats me! So, I feel your pain. I hope everything gets better.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32271)
• United States
29 May 08
First I suppose I should be honest with you and let you know that I have not read many of the responses. This response is only based on what I have seen that people have written... I know that all of the other responders telling you that he is depressed must make you feel like the pits. I am sorry that you feel this way if you do. I do agree though, from what I have read, that he may be depressed. The best thing you can do for him is to be there for him, and let him know that you love him. Try to help him as much as you can and be supportive if you two do choose to have him go see a psychiatrist... I hope it doesn't come to that but if it does the psychiatrist can help you both. Good Luck with whatever the two of you decide.. and let your stresses heal.. Oh and for everyone else Counselor is how you spell it... lol...
• United States
29 May 08
Counselor......yeah, I'm a terrible speller. To the OP; nobody thinks you're wrong for wanting to leave.....It's understandable. I imagine that you agree that he is depressed because you've taken it easy on him, but the workload is getting to you. Sadly, though, if he is depressed, all the begging, pleading and fighting in the world is not going to change change the situation, he needs to see a doctor. At the very least it is worth a try. You will still have this workload even if you do leave him, so at the very least give it a try.
@kassdaw (593)
• United States
29 May 08
I refuse to believe that it is depression. Because I am the one that is clinically depressed, I am the one that is crazy and shouldn't be allowed to have a child. I am the only one my son has. Saying that he is depressed is giving him an exsuce, making it okay. There is nothing about this that is okay. For some reason I seem to be the bad person in the relationship because I won't let him make those exsuces. I expect him to be a man and aparently that is too much to ask of any guy.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32271)
• United States
29 May 08
I know you may not believe me, and I am not begging for you too... but I do understand what you are saying. You are feeling very overwhelmed right now, and knowing that you are the one that was diagnosed with clincal depression makes you think that the husband is only using this as an excuse. He may very well not be depressed, and he may be using it as an excuse but if in all honesty he sees you depressed and dealing with it daily, he may himself become depressed because he doesn't know how to help you through your depressions. In all honesty, let him go see a psychiatrist if the psych doesn't say he's depressed then decide whether you should leave him or not... Even the most depressed person can't diagnose their own depression... who's to say you can or can't diagnose his... Just be careful with your feelings, don't let him crush them... but don't crush his either... This is a win lose situation but it can be a win win situation.. Good luck
@aowaow (1517)
• Indonesia
29 May 08
I can feel your emotional from your writing. But before all become porridge, let's try it once more. Personally, what if you modify the style of asking him to do something. Maybe your approaching doesn't suit for what had been accepting in his brain. You said he's marine, a life of marine is not easily surrendered, but they were taught to be solitude physically mostly, and not focus on emotionally which is needed greatly at home. But he owns the will, we just need to use the right shovel to dig back his emotional back again, especially after he's wounded. Back to your approaching, you may level it down to ask him softly, but it must sound as if you're creating a chance in the word. Don't use "You should" or "You have to". Avoid "Can you" or "Why didn't you". Try more soft approaching which contains appreciation to him such as, "I know you're tired.." or "I respect you want to have a rest, may you.." Much of time we think we are great in details of the argument, but actually a man is aware better than us. The trick is, live a space for him, then procreates our term softly, and never live a floating argument like when we're talking to our female friends. Start from here, patiently, once you've done this part, he'll automatically rise from his bed or couch. Because he has been given a chance/space from you with the right argument. I know it's weird argument, but that's how a man talks with their male friends. God bless you and your family.
@kassdaw (593)
• United States
29 May 08
First, I said he was raised by a marine, he isn't man enough to be a marine himself. Please I am not going to baby him because he is lazy. That only makes it worse. I have tried being the nice, caring wife that only here to serve him. Then I told hom to shove it when no matter what I did I got treated like I am not worth it. He doesn't need time he needs a slap in the face. It is my fault that I let it get this bad. I blame myself and just for the record marines are taught to take orders. And I am just the type to give them.
@lingli_78 (12846)
• Australia
29 May 08
i don't blame you for what you are doing... i will leave him as well if he is behaving like that... i can't stand lazy people who depend on other people to serve them... life is not that easy and we all have to struggle to survive... nobody should just take things for granted... glad that you manage to talk things over... hopefully he will change... take care and have a nice day...
@twoey68 (13651)
• United States
29 May 08
I hope things turn around for you. I went through that several times with my ex b/f and several times I let him talk me out of leaving, the last time I didn't. Sometimes they don't know what they had till they see it walking out the door. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
• China
29 May 08
It is difficult to make a decision. And he is your husband, the man you love.
@Hatley (164759)
• Garden Grove, California
28 May 08
kassdaw if your husband has been through all you say he needs some understanding there. losing a job kills a lot of guys as they feel worthless and he sounds depressed too.I know you are having a hard time trying to be both parents to your son.Perhaps your husband needs to see his doctor for his depression as that could make him act lazy when he is suffering from deep depression. your doctor might be able to help him or send him to a consulor who could help with the depression.