So, what do you do when your spouse or boyfriend is being rude or mean to you...

United States
May 29, 2008 1:05pm CST
So, what do you do when your spouse or boyfriend is being rude or mean to you (and they're half asleep or tired and they don't mean to do it)? Do you try to be understanding and sympathetic and give them some space or walk away? Do you confront them and hope to work it out? Do you wait until they've gotten some sleep or had their coffee to talk with them? Sometimes my spouse is very grumpy when he wakes up. He does annoying stuff like starting arguments over nothing or raising his voice at everything. Later when he wakes up fully, he is still in a bad mood. He doesn't realize that he's the one who has started the argument. He blames me. And, he avoids me all day long. Sometimes he doesn't even call home while he's on the job. And, when he does, he says stuff like, "Are you stil mad at me?" As if I started all the fuss. Which is kind of silly, considering I'm not the one who was acting mad! I guess guys are like that. He's been this way for a few years. I used to be able to avoid him altogether in the morning times, because he had to get up at four am and I was still asleep. He didn't wake me up. Now that he's working late, he has to sleep late. So, I wake up early. And, even though he's getting much more sleep than me, he still wakes up in a bad mood. I guess he's just perpetually tired or burned out. I've tried confronting him head on and saying, "Why are you so mad at me?" But that just makes the problem worse. So, now when he wakes up in a grumpy mood, I just stick my fingers in my ears (where he can see what I"m doing) and I ignore him. Then he talks to the wall. It's so funny. You'd have to see the entire scene. You'd laugh too! It's such a mess. Sometimes I wish he'd just sleep all the time. How do you handle this type of situation? Do you have any positive (and non-judgemental) tips to help a person in this type of situation that would help other women?
10 people like this
34 responses
@TriciaW (2441)
• United States
29 May 08
Sounds like my house daily. I have learned to ignore and go into another room. Sometimes he follows me and continues on and again I just remove myself from the situtation even if it means going outside. I have found it is a waste of my time to say anything because then I am playing into the negative and as I am working on being positive I refuse to get sucked in. I have realized though since I have started this he has settled down a bit too. He knows of my positive attitude transformation because now the girls are talking about it too so when he has one of his blow ups I have found him coming back a bit faster and saying I should not have yelled it is not helping. So hey if it works for me it will work for anyone!
@ZephyrSun (7385)
• United States
29 May 08
Sounds like great advise!
4 people like this
• United States
29 May 08
I am very happy that the technique works for you. I try to remove myself from negative situations as well. By nature I'm not a very confrontational person, unless someone keeps pushing me. Sometimes we have our misunderstandings, but I'm lucky. At heart, my spouse is a very loving and tender man. He's a real work horse and works night and day to keep us living indoors. I have much to be thankful for. I hope your situation works out well for you. You are wise to pick your own path of enlightenment. Be well. And stay strong.
2 people like this
• United States
30 May 08
if u have a boyfriend that is mean to u or rude to u you should dump him u deserv someone better then him i was there i though he was great but later in the relationship he got mad at me we broke up once but i wanted him back so bad so we started going out again but it got worse he was going to move to japan so i cant stay in contact with him.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 May 08
This is simple. Tell them that that is being RUDE and they'd better knock it off, or they can find somewhere else to hang their hat! Sympathetic?! If he's sick it might be one thing, as he wouldn't be feeling well and I could gove him a mini-break? Otherwise..I would not put up with that.
3 people like this
• United States
30 May 08
That is good advice. I guess some guys don't know they're being rude. Sometimes I think that I'm made of paper and so easily blown away by the slightest gust of wind. I think maybe guys are insensitive sometimes because they don't know they are being that way. Hope that made sense.
1 person likes this
@ZephyrSun (7385)
• United States
29 May 08
I'm sorry I don't. My husband isn't a morning person and I am so he wakes up and runs to work but he isn't grumpy. When he is under stress he is way grumpy, and I just tell him that he needs to work out whatever he is stressed about that it is bothering me and the children and he figures it out. So, has your husband always been grumpy or is just now that he is sleeping in? Maybe he is getting too much sleep.
3 people like this
• Canada
29 May 08
I explained to my husband that it hurts no matter when it's done, whether he knows he's doing it or not. We both make the effort to think clearly, in the presence of the other one. When I hear his voice, I know I'm AWAKE and to start acting awake (around him anyway!!!) and he knows to treat me that way too. The rest of the world needs to wait till I've had my coffee, but my husband and I are able to respect eachother the second we wake up, because we love eacother that much.
2 people like this
• United States
30 May 08
That sounds heavenly! And, I do respect your comment. As for me and my spouse, we are still working on our relationship. He is a wonderful person, at heart and he has his bad days or times. And, so do I. So, I have no right to judge him harshly. I should be more patient. He works super hard and long hours and I should be more understanding. Sometimes my words get ahead of me.
1 person likes this
@aowaow (1517)
• Indonesia
30 May 08
He brought too much femininity inside him. Armed yourself with your masculinity, which is to keep silence while he has that chit-chat with his mood. That's the only way to balance, one speaks the other keeps silence-and-listens. Sometimes it's tempting we are going to fetch what he's talking about, but you're right by keeping in silence, it's the only way to calm his femininity emotional. Later, he'll back to normal again.
2 people like this
@metschica25 (5407)
• United States
30 May 08
When he is rude or mean I used to pick on him back . and sometimes i still will . i know what gets to him . TV UP ! HA
2 people like this
@metschica25 (5407)
• United States
30 May 08
When my fiance gets tired he seems to get annoyed with me . Most nights (even now he is sleeping on the sofa) When he will wake he will be crabby . It like night and day with him so I try to be cool . He is always so sweet and nice when he is well rested . Sometimes , I will ged mad , but when hes tired there is no getting thru to him .
2 people like this
@lingli_78 (12844)
• Australia
29 May 08
well, i just ignore him and stay away from him... he can speaks to the wall and nobody will answer him... if he gets worst, i will walk away from the house and take a walk myself... i just leave him until he cools down and realise what he had done... and of course, he has to apologise... take care and have a nice day...
2 people like this
@mychattime (1013)
29 May 08
Yeah that sounds like my hubby ha ha!!! He isn't always a morning person and when hes grumpy I just ignore him, its the best way and hope he gets out of it! But what makes me laugh the most if he's awake first he has to wake me up like this morning for example he says 'oh I wish I'd put the tv on for a bit, don't suppose you could' anyway by then I was awake and I was so cross with being woken up by him I got out of bed and put the tv on, he then said oh I was awake first and I was like 'no because I've put a load of washing on and put the bin out and come back to bed, so that shut him up!! After that I was awake, swine, if i'd done that to him he would have been well p***ed off! Anyway thats men for you!! Just eep smiling thats what I do even though it might be fake LOL Take care xx
2 people like this
@chechuva (1276)
• Philippines
30 May 08
actually i just keep quiet and listen to all the things he wanted to say. i let him exhaust his anger. then when he gets to sleep and woke up, he'll just realize things that he was wrong putting all his anger on me. i don't usually raise my voice when he starts to. i let him cool down himself before i talk to him.
1 person likes this
• Australia
21 Jun 08
It is great to listen to what he has to say and let him cool off. I don't know if I could sleep though if my husband was cross at me. I am one for letting it all out, good or bad. I do not fear my husbands anger, all emotion is good, no emotion is bad.
@MH4444 (2161)
• United States
29 May 08
You tell him to stop or you'l;l put him over your knee and give him a good spanking. Oh, wait...that might make matters worse! Seriously, sounds like he needs a reality check. I know kids that behave like that and we call them brats. I wouldn't tolerate that rubbish. If it happened a few times and I was just as bratty maybe.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jun 08
Tee hee! Good one. I like the knee thing.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164485)
• Garden Grove, California
29 May 08
I am sorry and hope this does notsound judgemental but I would say grow up and start acting like an'adult as I have to all the time. Quit babying him and start' to talk it out. say something like I am so tired of you being a grumpus all the time. how would you like it if I acted that way all the time?He is your husband so you should know how to talk to him heart to heart.dont pussyfoot with him but be a tad masculine and confront' him with his ill temper.why should it make it worse?
• United States
30 May 08
I was having a bad day yesterday, when I posted this. I should just talk to him. Perhaps he does not know that he is being insensitive. Later when he woke up, he was a perfect gentleman. He is always thinking of my comfort. Maybe I should give him some slack. He is tired sometimes, but he can still talk to me. Very good advice. Thank you!
1 person likes this
@julyteen (13259)
• Davao, Philippines
21 Jun 08
when you are in love with the person, you'll try to understand him. good to hear that you are able to get such technique that works for your situation. when i sense that my boyfriend is having a bad mood, i just give him time to recover for himself. i try not to ask the reasons while he is still in such situation. but when the bad mood goes away, i ask him about it. it is very important for me to know the reasons so that i will understand him.
1 person likes this
@chrislotz (8203)
• Canada
8 Jun 08
What I used to do when my hubby got mean to me for no reason, was just walk away and ignore him. Then later when he is feeling better I make him sit down and I explain to him how he made me feel. But in saying all that, it sure didn't work for me, since just 2 months ago I have finally left him and moved to another province. So I guess I did the wrong thing, or maybe there is no right thing to do. My hubby just took me for granted and that was the biggest problem for me. He felt he could treat me this way because I let him. And I guess I let him because I didn't fight back when he was mean to me. So, my point is, what may work for one person may not work for another, so I have no advice for you and you may not want to take anyone elses advice either, but work it out your own way. Good luck to you.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jun 08
You are better than I. After the second time he yelled at me for no reason, I would either kick him out of the house , by changing the locks while he was out. Or better still, I would pack my stuff and leave. I wouldn't try to explain. It would be up to him to try to explain why in the hell he thinks it is okay to yell at me for nor reason.And he should be happy I didn't destroy any of his stuff before I went. I have a hair-trigged temper and being yelled at would set me off. So if I stayed or he stayed I fear he would wake up in the hospital.so it is best we separate.
1 person likes this
@Kierstal (143)
• United States
30 May 08
My partner and I go through periods of heavy arguing that come and go, but usually there's some third-party influence that's the underlying cause of it. Like when she quit smoking, she was very short with me a lot of the time because she was going through the whole quitting thing, not because of anything I'd done. It almost never happens because of something we ourselves have specifically done, and when that's the case, we both usually have the presence of mind to *talk* about what's bothering us and why, and that generally ends with either apologies on both sides, or an agreement to disagree. A great many conversations have needed to start with, "I'm not trying to start an argument, so please don't take it that way" or "May I speak frankly?". In both cases that kind of lead-up makes us more able to prepare to be objective rather than defensive.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16235)
• United States
30 May 08
It is not often my husband is grumpy with me and if he is, it's probably because I got him in that mood LOL or he is very tired from his daily work. It's mentally stressful at times and if I don't give him time to wind down, he can get irritated. I let him be and soon enough he becomes less grumpy.
1 person likes this
@kaleegirl45 (1474)
• United States
30 May 08
I myself would not put up with it. when my husband has woken up in a bad mood (which he hardly does)and give me a hard time. I'll tell him, that he better knock the BS and when he is in a better he could talk to me. other than that, don't bother. When we do get into an agrument and it's his fault, he will call, but I'll be a "B" about it. As everyone else have wrote, keep away, or stand up to him and let him know. And if he doesn't call, better for you, you don't need to be blamed for something he started. You should tell him, to stop acting like that with you. You don't deserve to be treated like that. Like I tell my husband if he doesn't like it, there is the door, you know how to solve the problem.
1 person likes this
@raclie (1732)
• Singapore
30 May 08
hmmm... i am not married, but i think i will understand how you feel about it... maybe you should try to talk to him about it, when he is in a good mood, and try to come out with a solution to work towards.. and maybe if he acts up again you should just talk to him in a claming voice and find out what is bothering him.. when my younger brothers are making a fuss i will use this solution... and since he realise someone is paying attention to him he actually clams down and behaves himself... so i think this is a rather good techniche!!! have a nice day....
1 person likes this
30 May 08
The way I act in this kind of situations depends on the mood I am in at the moment. Sometimes I just ignore his rudeness, sometimes I'm being a little bit rude in response... Neither of it helps:) I still can't figure out how should I act so that he understood me. Sometimes I try to explain my feelings to him, but he rarely agrees that he was wrong to behave like that. And after all everybody just calms down and we're happy again, but it takes time.
1 person likes this