Should I date him?

Canada
June 6, 2008 12:58pm CST
I'm 29 and I recently met a man who's 49. He's a brilliant man who has written many books that are published and he's a professor at a university that I do not attend. We are attracted to eachother and it looks like we are headed in a direction that we are both aware will bring some weird looks our way. He has told his daughter and friend about us and our age difference saying that it's wise to get the initial shock out of the way, I haven't told anyone how old he is. Anyway, my dilemma is really the fact that I have an Associate degree and Im 3 classes from by Bachelors. I've read many books that we're able to discuss and we haven't ran out of things to talk about. He makes probably 4 times more money than I do and I'm just afraid that one day he will think I haven't achieved enough. I know he thinks I'm smart, attractive and wise because he's said it, but I guess I just feel like I need to write a book or something. I've achieved alot and by the time I'm 49, I know that I would've achieved the same if not more than he (Hopefully). Am I overanalyzing or what???
6 people like this
38 responses
@anawar (2406)
• United States
7 Jun 08
ljforte_ _ Well_ You're leaving us all hanging here. How did the date go? I'll have to check in the morning. You're probably home by now and you have answered your own questions. Don't count down on yourself, what's in it for him?
• Canada
7 Jun 08
Hi Anawar, Thank you for being interested:) I responded to another response saying that after talking for two hours at O'Charleys, we drove by the water and ended up stopping, sitting and talking for another three hours in the car. So I was about to ask him how he felt about me and me being alot less educated than he and about how much more he's accomplished, when he says suddenly "is this about my beliefs". of course I said, "hat about your beliefs?" He then proceeded to tell me that he does not believe in God. I was shocked! He said he could tell my faith is strong and he thought that was the problem. now I'm not a Christian who walk around saying Praise God all day of even talking about Jesus trying to save the world, but he said that he could see that about me. I was flattered because every Christian want the presence of the Lord to be all over them. Anyway, we went on to discuss how most Scholars do not believe and it's not that he doesn't think about it, it's just that he doesnt feel it to believe. Needless to say, I'm confused. I know what I have to do. I know that I can't follow a man who isn't following God. He says that he doesn't get that whole thing and that I shouldn't be following anybody. I beg to differ. I do believe in equslity; however, I believe that a man is the leader of his house and he can not lead me if he's not being led by anything but his own sense. I don't know what you believe and I apologize if I'm affending you in any way. I think you're intelligent enough to understand (even if you do not agree with my beliefs)my dellima. I would never push my beliefs on anyone; therefore, I'm just not sure what to do with him now. I could never choose a man over my God. Period. I don't care who that man is or what he has especially. Men have let me down...my God, Never!
@anawar (2406)
• United States
8 Jun 08
You made a very wise choice. Excellent thinking and very insightful. Okay, you can stop wondering about that guy and move on. Hold out for the one who has the same beliefs as you.
• Canada
9 Jun 08
Hi Anawar, When we had a chance to speak a little more about his beliefs, he advised me that he's had difficult interactions with the church as a child and he just doesn't believe in organized religion which is okay. Although, I have a religion by choice...I don't necessarily believe in religion. I think a personal relationship with God is more important than which religion you belong to. Thanks
• United States
6 Jun 08
I think you are overanalyzing the situation. If you are attracted to each other and you feel like it is right, then definitely date him. I would just say to watch out with all that worrying because a lot of times if you worry about something too much, it happens. Try talking to him about your feelings, (that he might feel he's achieved more) he will most likely understand.
1 person likes this
• Canada
6 Jun 08
I am having dinner with him in about an hour so I think I will take your advice and talk with him. I think he'll understand too. He's said to me before that he was afraid that I'll think he was too old for me. Thank you for your help!
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Jun 08
Good luck! I'll bet it goes just fine.
1 person likes this
• Canada
7 Jun 08
Okay update...I was going to take your advice and found out before I could talk to him about it that he doesn't believe in God. I'm so frustrated now...I don't know what to do. I really have to pray on this one. Everything else that I was afraid of doesn't even matter now. I am Saved and I'm not sure I'm suppose to date someone who doesn't even believe. He says that most scientists don't believe in God. I know that this is means for another topic. I'm really confused now.
1 person likes this
@metschica25 (5407)
• United States
6 Jun 08
Hello, You just may be thinking about it too much. If he respects you now , he always will. You can achieve great things when you are with him as well.Things will just fall in place.You can find your place in the world with him and share in the joy of your success with him. Sounds like you have had much now already ! so, congrats !! Don't care what the rest of the world thinks. You could pass up one of the great things in life, and always wonder what if . Give it a try what do you have to lose . In life most things are a risk. Age should not be an issue if he treats you well , and makes you feel alive .
• Canada
6 Jun 08
Thank you so much for that positive feedback. He does treat me well and I am meeting him for dinner tonight so I will talk with him. Afterall, he's said to me that he was afraid that I would think he's too old.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Jun 08
Have fun tonight ! ah, it is only as old as you feel . You are welcome!
1 person likes this
@Cocoa33 (921)
• United States
7 Jun 08
i really don't think that education should be a factor in whether u want to date him. i think if u both get along and able to see eye to eye. there shouldn't be a problem. u know from what u have said. u have a lot in common. u will never get bored. i think u should take it slow, and stop over analyzing over it. if u want to date him, date him.
1 person likes this
• Canada
9 Jun 08
Thank you. I've decided to date him and we have alot of fun together and we see eye to eye on most issues in part because we know how to talk and agree to disagree on the issues we don't agree on. Thanks for the comment.
@jhartana (1085)
• Australia
7 Jun 08
It's your decision entirely but I just commenting from my point of view. If I were in your shoe I wouldn't date someone more than 10 years difference in age. Choose your partner carefully and you have to be smart finding a lot more out of this man so you will know before you two tie the knot. You got plenty of time to find out and given that all of things you have found out you would know what type of man you would live with. One wrong decision would cost a lot of regret of your life. Anyhow good luck on your pursuit of the man you're going to date. Cheers and take care.
1 person likes this
7 Jun 08
Hmmm ,i'm agree with what you said , jhartana.I am not sure if two people with large difference in age can go togeter as lovers .May be they can attract each other a lot ,but i do not think the two can go a long way together .because i think our daliy life is not just about attraction and understanding of both ,there should be more things and the difference in age may cause many questions as the time goes by ... What's more ,there would not be any help way to the wrong decision especially on the life's choosing ... Best wishes to you ... Hope you be happy...
@Kaeli72 (1230)
• United States
7 Jun 08
He sounds wonderful! I wish you the very best in not only your relationship, but your achievements as well. Putting aside the obvious, age, I'd say "go for it". It's not about the age, the education or the money. It's not about the books written or the children already born. It's about sacrafice and being honest. As I've discussed before, my love and I have endured the difficulties of age and distance. He's 12 years my junior and we live about 2,000 miles away. If that doesn't add to the factor, he's a very busy man. Now, I'm an uneducated (meaning, nothing above high school) homemaker with four children from a previous marriage. He's working towards his feild in the trauma of emergency medicine. That makes me feel very inadequit. It also makes me feel less than. But, no matter how many times I've talked to him and try to reason my way out of our relationship, it always ends the same way: true love. True love will see past the stumbling blocks. No, it will see those stumbling blocks but is willing to help with getting through them. True love will see you as someone who is going to compliment what you already are. Uuummm...such as, I've got children and he doesn't. But, he's got more patience and common sense on how to deal with them than I can see. More often than not, he's the one that talks me out of wanting to eat them alive, reminding me, "Now now, they're only children." in his soft voice that lulls me to peace. Whatever you do, keep things simple. Don't make a mountian out of a mole hill because if you worry and stress over things, it will effect not only you, but his desire to be with you. I do hope I'm making sense...out of all the discussions I've responded to, this one was written out of emotion rather than careful planning.
1 person likes this
@Klarenz (261)
• Philippines
7 Jun 08
Dont worry about his age because age doens't matter when it comes to love. As long as your happy together and you accept him for what he is. I already have a girlfriend 2 years older than me but guess what, she has already have a son. A 4 year old boy name "Irvin", even she had a son at early age i still aceept her because i loved her, love conquers all. Goodluck!
1 person likes this
@Tekocat (14)
• Australia
6 Jun 08
i date someone that is 13 years older than me it is all good . i think you should go for it and not worry about his age
1 person likes this
@Gesusdid (1681)
• United States
6 Jun 08
I really think your over shooting the bucket here lol like i dont think or at least he should never think of your education , thats kinda selfish of him to put and slap you in the face with his education and your not helping his ego any better wtih you worrying about his education , ..i mean does he always have to state or say something about his education history ? as ong as he loves you that shouldnt matter ...a great thing also that your still getting your education , people at your age just simply give up and go on with what they have , so yeah strive on for YOU for YOUR PURPOSES not because of what HE thinks ..
1 person likes this
@Mrchikeh (53)
6 Jun 08
This is when choice comes to play.I think your really need to follow your heart.If you think him to be the right man for you,not necessarily his portfolio, but the natural qualities you appreciate in him;I think you should let it in.I hope you make a nice decision.Goodluck!
@Mirenia (199)
• United States
6 Jun 08
You should date him if you really like him and want to have a relationship with him. Dont think about it too much because if he cares about you, you dont have to achieve just as much or even more than he has. Its you that he'll care about not how much you've achieved and such. If you guys can still hold good conversations then why not be with him? Communicate is one of the keys to a great relationship and from what you say you both clearly have that. I'd take a chance with him if I was you! Good things could probably come out of it too.
• Philippines
8 Jun 08
you may be overanalyzing but lemme ask you this.. are you the type who would get offended if he or other people would think you havent achieved enough? coz if you like each other then theres no competition..i guess he will just be an inspiration.. or probably you like him very much that you are afraid to ruin this wonderful thing.. hmnn..my advice is..just let things fall into place..if it works out..then good..if not.. well its not a waste of time..with a man of that stature, im sure youll learn a lot from him.. i read your previous responses and it seems that you really do like this person.. you mentioned though that he does not believe in God? and somehow you got turned off by this? i assume hes a philosopher.. kidding aside.. do you think this will be a problem?
• Canada
8 Jun 08
Well...I will take your questions one at a time. All of my life, everyone has told me how proud they were of everything that I've done, (ie. had a child, gotten a degree, given speeches at different high schools about life and what I've gone through, traveled, take good care of myself and child, gotten married and had the strength to get a divorce when things got out of control) things like that, so I'm not the type to get offended about it because I'm not used to it happening. I am a mentor and a psychologist to a degree and I have a degree in Computer information systems and all kinds of certifications. but anyway, there's no competition I just wasn't sure what he was thinking about it. Since then though, he's told me that he was in love with me and he was scared that I would think he's too old so we both were going through our worries. I've talked with him about my concerns and he's assured me that he just wants to treat me like I've never been treated before and be with me forever. I'm really not scared anymore, he's assured me and has proven already that he loves me. About him not believing in God, he's told me about some bad experiences he's had as a young man and kid at the church and I understand that it's not that he doesn't believe in God, it's that he doesn't believe in organized religion. I wasn't sure at the point which I wrote that response. I like your advice and questions though and I thank you for bringing these things to my attention. Thanks,
• Philippines
9 Jun 08
hi. your reply just put a smile on your face. glad to know that all is well and there's someone taking care of you and your kid. =)
7 Jun 08
First of all AGE DOESN'T MATTER. Everyone knows that. If you really love that guy go for it.It doesn't matter if both of you will look weird when you're together. Just let people stare at you coz who cares? That'll do nothing for both of you unless you're staying true to each other. But if you're after his material possesions and money, think twice. Because I believe in karma and hope you do too.
• Kottayam, India
8 Jun 08
Yes yes that is right, the outcome at your expenses
• Canada
9 Jun 08
Thanks for the comment. The age issue was just that an age issue and I do not have that issue anymore. I've decided to date him and love him for him. I was just saying that I was afraid at first if he'd think I hadn't accomplished enough for him, but I've gotten over that quickly. I don't care if people stare and the last time we went out nobody paid us any attention. I was really talking about his family and my family, but all of that doesn't matter anymore because they know now and everybody is fine with it:)
@SheliaLee (2738)
• United States
19 Jun 08
I was going to respond to you by saying the age difference doesn't matter if you really love and care about him. My daughter's boyfriend is 17 years older than her and they love each other dearly, the age difference makes no difference to her and it doesn't with him either. The difference in their situation and yours is that they are both Christians. He is the music leader in the church he attends and my daughter is in the choir at our church and loves to sing, she loves anything to do with music. They both have a lot in common, the main thing, though, is they both love the Lord. Dear friend, you are very wise to pray about this because you don't want to get in a situation where your faith can be compromised. The Bible tells us as Christians to not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever and dating is husband/wife hunting. I'm not trying to sound like I know it all by any means, but I am so thankful to hear that you are a Christian. Please pray diligently about this and the Lord will show you the right way to go, even if it means not dating him anymore. God Bless and please keep us posted. Shelia
• Canada
19 Jun 08
Thank you so much Shelia for that comment. Since two weeks ago when I wrote that message...we've been deeply connected to eachother. When I wrote that message we had dated about a week or so and had had a conversation about his beliefs...since then he's advised me that he'd grown up in the church and had experienced some awful things within the pulpit. He'd been discouraged from believing in preachers and the congregation of hypocrites. He's not ambivalent about going to church with me and my feeling don't tell me that he's trying to finagle me. So I believe that he has faith just not in religion because he's told me that he believes in God he just doesn't believe in religion which I can personally understand and relate to...although I have religion...I can see how a person may not want it. Sonia
@Nesha1 (33)
• United States
10 Jun 08
First thing first. Men do not really care that you are younger! Your age is not the issue. To you it is though. The twenty year difference can be an issue. If you are just dating him, then that's cool. If you are considering a commitment with your man, then you need to take it one day at a time. If you have never been married or do not have any kids, you may want some when you settle down. Is this guy going to want to have kids? Is he going to want to get married? I hate to be the negative chic,but you have a lot to consider with an older guy. If all of this is good, then don't worry about your level of education. He already knows how much education you have. Gosh, you are only 29 years old. Just make sure you finish school. An education is a great asset!Remember,he is with you for a reason, he is interested in you! So, calm down and enjoy yourself!!
• Canada
10 Jun 08
Thank you Nesha1, We are definitely considering a commitment. I've been married and divorced, he's been married and divorced and we both have daughters that are (mine)12 and (his)13 and 19(he's told both his daughters about me already). We have so much in common it's scary. Neither one of us know right now if we want more children and we both want to get married again. He's already given me his memoir and I'm learning so much about how he grew up it's scary. I think I love him and I don't love easily. Thanks, ljforte
@snel27 (48)
• United States
7 Jun 08
First off, you shouldn't need aproval to date this guy. Your 29 its not like your 14. So if you truly like him then i say yes go ahead and date. And second the guy wouldnt be telling his daughters about you if he didnt truly like you. It doesnt sound like he's expecting you to write books and be brillant. And besides opposites attract. He may be very smart but maybe you balance him out with something he doesnt have. Your defaintly overanalyzing this. If your truly afraid of the looks you'll get when your together and thats something that will alawys bug you then dont go forward with it, but if you can get over all the looks of people who really dont matter then i say do it.
• Canada
10 Jun 08
Thank you.
7 Jun 08
Only with courage can love fall on you, believe in yourself and try to express yourself confidently . Talk with him ,i sincerelly hope you will get your true love.
• China
8 Jun 08
Good idea!I agree with you.
@Celanith (2334)
• United States
7 Jun 08
hey go for it, sounds like you will be happy. Why stress over the small stuff. He sounds like a catch and he probably could care less if you have an equal education to his. He probably is happy your even interested in him at all.
• Canada
9 Jun 08
Thank you he's actually said that to me. "How is it that a woman like you would be interested in a old man like me?" It's funny because he had his own worries that we've since talked about. Thanks for comment.
• United States
20 Jun 08
Age is only a number. If you love him and he loves you, the hell what other people think. As far as what you have have achieved and what he has achieved, this should not be a competition. It sounds to me, you are already looking for reasons not to have a relationship with this guy.
@subha12 (18453)
• India
19 Jun 08
if you are comfortable, then its not a problem. ask yourself about it. what you are thinking about. you will be comfortable or how others will think?then take decision.