Should I change, for him?

United States
June 7, 2008 11:27am CST
Im in a relationship for a little over a year. This is my first real relationship. I love him, if he has a number of things he thinks I should change about myself, does he have a right to ask this of me? Am I wrong for changing myself for him? Does he really love me if hes asking this of me? I dont ask him to change anything but there are some things I'd love him to change as well but I would never ask that because I want him to know I love him as he is.
9 people like this
60 responses
@ieeko89 (1054)
• Malaysia
7 Jun 08
No, if someone really loves you, they wont ask you to change. Instead of that, you're the one who will change yourself automatically. For good or worst, It's depends on you. And asking someone that we love to change is actually not a good thing to do. They'll get hurt by your request. It's like they aren't perfect to your eyes even though nobody's perfect in this world. But still, by accepting them as who they are, makes them feel much better and sometimes they do feel perfect whenever you're around because you make them feel that way:)
3 people like this
• Poland
7 Jun 08
If you love someone you love him for his weaknesses too. This is what I think. But if the weaknesses are too big both of you can consider changing them. I think that if he wants you to change he should encourage you to do so by changing something about himself too. Not telling him something that you dislike in him is wrong thing to do I think. You should know everything about him and he should know everything about you.
2 people like this
@kun2349 (23475)
• Singapore
7 Jun 08
There's no right or wrong in a relationship.. Depending on wat he wants u to change and how he wants u to change.. Both kinds of changes will determine different things.. If it's character wise, maybe he just hope u can be a bit more of this and that, but not asking u to change your principal in life or get rid of your own character ^_^
• India
7 Jun 08
First of all you should know weather he is a good person or not. Does he really care for you and does he capable of looking after you well. If hes good and really care for you i dont think any wrong for you to change as men always dominate.
8 Jun 08
Yeh ,the right person is worth you doing anything right things include change yourself ,and if he is the right one is the most important thing you need to make sure ... Remember ,the right man will also change himself for you but not just want you to change ... Best wishes to you ,hope you get the right guy...
• India
8 Jun 08
Hey i am a Man here. I feel men dominate and want the spouse to change. They dont want to change even though they are good person. Its a natural human tendency. What would you say?
@lingli_78 (12844)
• Australia
8 Jun 08
i don't think that it is called love if he asks you to change yourself for his sake... you are unique and you are who you are... if he really loves you, then he will accept you as who you are and won't ask you to change... if he asks you to change, i don't think that he really loves you then... love is about trust, respect and accepting each other strength and weaknesses... that's what i thought... take care and have a nice day...
1 person likes this
@ronslove (481)
• Philippines
8 Jun 08
Being in a relationship means growing. If he wants to change you to become a better person, then why not? I think loving a someone doesn't only mean accepting the loved one for who/what he/she is. It also involves making your loved one grow up and learn from you. Try to evaluate the things that he wants you to change, if what he wants is making you a better person, then try to be. However, if he tries to change you in physical aspect, then that's another story. I'm glad that you're in a relationship right now. Keep learning as you journey your lovelife.
• Philippines
8 Jun 08
He should love you the way you are
1 person likes this
@vanities (11387)
• Davao, Philippines
8 Jun 08
changes oneself is good if it indeed needed ...changing for the better for the sake of somebody then i think it means for your part a sacrifice for that person who ask for you to change...hope its for the better..he has no right to ask for any changes from you since your not still married to each other or whatever...but i guess all this depends on you on how to respond to it...you are the one on a relationship..
• United States
8 Jun 08
You can change yourself,but being yourself is much better even if you were told to.If it is very simple then try for it.Do what's best for you not the relationship for him.
1 person likes this
@jesbellaine (4157)
• Philippines
8 Jun 08
I still believe that if you want to change, the change must come within you.. not because he wants you to change... Hope you will find your way. Have a great day!
1 person likes this
@Timothy31 (649)
• United States
8 Jun 08
It depends on the things he wants you to change about yourself, however i would generally discourage you from changing things about yourself for a guy. He should love you the way you are as you are no matter what. I don't believe people should try and change their spouses. If you love someone you love them faults and all.
1 person likes this
@phoenix25 (1543)
• United States
7 Jun 08
Rule number 1 of dating should be that you should never change yourself for another person. What happens when you change for him, you still aren't good enough somehow, and he leaves you? Now you are left a mess who doesn't know who she really is. You need to run as far away from this relationship as you can get! Any person who is not willing to like you or love you for who you are is NOT worth your time. Take it from someone who has tried to change for someone before. It never works out.
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17924)
• United States
7 Jun 08
Your question is very general so let me say some things about relationships and change. If your boyfriend wants you to change some behavior, such as partying too much or hang out with certain people too much...and he wants you to do it less, than that's not an unreasonable request. If the changes he would like to see are positive ones that will have an impact on your future, something relating to your studies or your job, that's not unreasonable either. That being said, if he wants you to change something personal; the way that you dress, the way you wear your hair, the way that you talk or act, those are unreasonable requests because you are who you are and you have every right to be liked and appreciated for that. There are no perfect partners out there and there will always be a little something that you would change about your partner if you could, but being able to accept what you see as faults is part of being in a relationship.
@spoiled311 (5502)
• Philippines
7 Jun 08
hi kavanaugh i don't think so. if that is the reason why you want to change then i think you should not do it. when you want to change, you are doing it because you love yourself and would like to improve yourself. doing it for other's sake will not make you last long. better yet, strive to improve yourself and your self esteem. and you self confidence too. build self respect. i think you will be a better lover that way rather than becoming somebody that he will approve. good day and God bless you dear!
• South Africa
8 Jun 08
don`t change.sta yo ground. if he doesn't like u there better ppl out there
• Singapore
15 Sep 08
just be yourself!..but if it is ur bad habits...then try changing it
@kissie34 (2296)
• Philippines
13 Jun 08
It depends... If you really need to change your behavior or attitude for a good reasons then maybe you need to change but if he just want you to change just because he just want it then thats not good... For me, if that person really loves so much then he will accept you no matter how bad you are, he will accept you for being you... Because if you change something into someone else then, you are just fooling yourself and you are honest to yourself. I am in a relationship right now and my boyfriend had also ask me to change something about my personality. But of course, he did not force me to change right away. He just ask it for good reasons and I know that will help my personality. I change some of my attitude and how I behave and I think that really helps me. Only few things that I have change that I know that can cause good things.
• Philippines
13 Jun 08
For me,NO! He shouldn't ask you to change.. If he really loves you, he should love you the way you are.. It matters that he loves you and appreciates you from the very start and he shouldn't ask you to change.. i understand you love him and this i your first real relationship.. but its not really reasonable! Also, what are the things he wants you to change?
@gokoool (65)
• India
13 Jun 08
the change ...if its good for you both then its acceptable...:).the change if its only good for anyone of you then ...no its of no use and it will spoil your relationship....:(
@subha12 (18453)
• India
12 Jun 08
actually very ideally spaeking, when the person acn accept you for what you are, its called a true love. otherwise it is not possible.but still in love peopel want their partner to chage according to their liking. it also depends how you are raecting to this.
• Trinidad And Tobago
12 Jun 08
don't change much because some of the things you might be changing could be who you are and if he did not like these things as you say you have been together for over a year why are these things suddenly a problem now so my advice to you if you are really this is what you want then do it but realy you can't regret it after because it was your choose to change and you got your whole life ahead of you this is only your first relationship so take it slow