GRANDPARENTS, how much time with your Grandkids is TOO MUCH?
By Gemmygirl1
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
Australia
June 9, 2008 10:53pm CST
Hi All,
I haven't started a discussion for a while but could really use some help here. I put this in a different category but got no responses so i hope i can get some help in this category.
My partner & i have a gorgeous 2 year old daughter & will soon have a new baby to add to our family - in about 4 weeks.
My problem is that ever since my daughter was born, my mother has expected routine visits - they started weekly where she'd come up here every Wednesday, when that got too much for her, she'd come here 1 Wednesday & expect me to go down to her place the following one etc. When i finally had the guts to tell her weekly was too often & bi-weekly would be better, she tried to make me feel guilty & insisted i was trying to keep her Granddaughter away from her.
The bi-weekly visits have been going for a good 18 months or so now & i have really had enough. It's expensive doing a 2 1/2 hour round trip just to keep the peace.
With the newbaby coming i'm tired a lot & cant be bothered going down there (we live 1 hour & 15 minutes apart) - especially not every other week. She's happy to come up here but i don't think every other week is necessary. It'll be even more tiring & frustrating when i have the 2 little ones.
My Mum doesn't seem to understand that as much as we like seeing her & stuff, every other week is just too much & it's not at all necessary. How do you get someone to hear what you're saying without being made to feel like you're pushing her away just because she isn't getting what SHE wants?
Help please, i cant be letting my Mum have routine visits any more just because she wants them? I also don't need to be made to feel guilty if she doesn't have her own way but i know that's what will happen if i don't tell her in just the right way.
All thoughts & advise would be GREAT! Thank you all!
1 person likes this
10 responses
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
10 Jun 08
First can I ask is there some reason you would not want her around the children? Is she abusive? I am a grand mother and I do not think that I could bare it if I could not see my grand babies just once a week. 2 times a month would be excruciating. I provide day care for 2 of mine. I would think you would embrace the fact that your Mother takes such and active interest in your kids lives. That is unless there are reason you have not stated here for not wanting her around them. They are her blood also, and children grow so fast that if we do not get to see them we miss so much. I can't see how you can get around not devastating her by pushing the time for visits farther way. once a week is not to much to ask. I do feel like Grandma should be making more of the trips in your condition and after the new baby is born.... But it is your family and your life, I am just speaking as a Nana.
2 people like this
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
11 Jun 08
I was hoping to hear from someone on my Mum's side of the fence, it's hard for me to understand why she feels the way she does, since i'm not the Grandmother in this situation.
It's not that i don't want her around the kids at all - just more that it's an awful long round trip, the cost of fuel is ridiculous & i'd have thought that she'd be happy to see the kids when we visited rather than always on her terms. I stay at home with our daughter so we're basically a 1 income family & always having to drive down there is costly.
Once a week was what it was originally & i felt crowded & not able to do anything for my daughter myself coz Nanna always had to do it. To me it felt as though she thought i was incapable or just wanted it to be done her way, you know? Even now when we say we're going to do something - the 3 of us (my daughter, partner & i) she always throws in, let's all go & make it a family event, which to me sounds like we're not a family unless she's there.
My Dad is wonderful about it all & is happy to see our daughter whenever we visit but Mum's the more pushy one.
Thanks for your input though, i appreciate it heaps :)
@jasmine0728 (677)
• United States
10 Jun 08
I realize this situation is difficult for you.Maybe instead of making it so routine you could make it more in line with when is a good time for you.Or perhaps your mom could take her for an overnight where you each drive one way.My mother has been a good gramma to my daughter over the years financially and I know she loves her,but....I only live 20 minutes from her and I have lived here for going on 6 years and my mother has not been here once.I have been to her house some,when she needed something done or because a bad thunderstorm is coming and she is afraid of them,other then that she only sees my daughter on the holidays.She has not even been to one of her birthday parties,and she is 16.So in some ways count your blessings that she has a gramma that loves her so much that she wants to spend time with her not just send money in the mail.
Good luck to you,and the new baby.
Jas
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
11 Jun 08
I do appreciate that she wants to be involved with my daughter :) I think it's a great thing, i just more need it to be less on her terms & more when i can manage it. I hate having to put things off - in order to have the money to drive all that way.
I let Mum have my daughter's 1st birthday party at her place so that she could be involved & stuff - which she loved but - less routine would just be better for me & i'd have thought more fun.
I'm not sure about the overnight thing - it's hard since my Mum works too, there isn't a day where that could happen & after having thought about it (a while back) i'd rather my daughter wanted to be there instead of just being left there, does that make sense? If my daughter said she wanted to stay at Nanna's then sure but she is too young to tell me that just yet - she is only 2.
Thank you so much for your thoughts & the good luck! :)
@jasmine0728 (677)
• United States
11 Jun 08
I do think I see your point it should be more on your terms and I see what you mean about it being to routine.Hmm I am tryig to think of a better idea that could work for you all.I I think because I would prefer more interaction on my mothers part I was putting that on your situation,and that wasn't fair.Your mother does live quite a distance You shouldn't feel pressured to fit that into your weekly schedual I am sure life is hectic enough.It probably should be more of a thing that you decide when you have the time.Maybe your mom will understand that.
I hope you can find some esolution.
Jas
1 person likes this
@sylvia13 (1850)
• Nelson Bay, Australia
10 Jun 08
When I first read the heading of this I thought that there was no such thing as spending too time with grand childdren, but of course the parents of those kids have to be taken into consideration too, especially when a visit involves lots of driving, like in your case! A pregnancy should also make a big difference, if the grandmother can remember what being pregnant felt like! Maybe now that the new baby is coming you should propose different visiting schedules, before you two end up having problems!
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@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
11 Jun 08
I don't think we'd have problems coz Mum seems to 'NOT HEAR' things i tell her if she doesn't like them.
I love that they spend time together but there is another set of Grandparents as well (who dont see her as much) & yeah being pregnant is very tiring, i've often wondered if Mum remembers how her pregnancies were - especially at 35 wks.
I'll definitely try & propose a new visiting arrangement but whether she hears me or not is another story!
Thanks heaps :)
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
10 Jun 08
I'd be tempted to tell your Mother the Truth. Usually you won't go wrong. She may not like it, but its the truth! I'm a Grandfather and twice a week seems excessive to me. I have one Grandaughter that I haven't seen in 3 years. Now thats too long, but we chat on the computer. Shes in Seattle Wa. and I'm near Toronto On. So just tell your mom the brutal truth! She won't die if she only sees her grandchild Once a Month!
1 person likes this
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
11 Jun 08
I think i'd go nuts with twice a week :) i could never afford to do that!
I figured once a month would be ok, plus there's holidays, birthdays & other times when i just feel like driving down there but i guess we'll see what happens.
It's nice to hear from another Grandparent, i was kind of hoping to not offend any grandparents but see how things were from their side!
Thank You
@grammasnook (1871)
• United States
10 Jun 08
I see one of my grandkids all the time a few times a week,My other grandson once a month. I tried to come up with something that I thought was reasonable for his mother and myself. You can tell the difference between the two grandkids, one is loving and warm and the other just doesnt care. He lives with his mother which is not my daughter. I called and said well do you think I can take him 2 weekends out of the month. Boy did she jump on that. Maybe you can offer your mom some weekend time a sleepover. I understand you have your family but remember it was your mom that made that possible. It isn't about what she wants it is about what your children need!
Good luck in your decision
1 person likes this
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
11 Jun 08
Thank you heaps for your thoughts!
I have opted not to do sleepovers, well not that i wont do them but i'd like for my daughter to want to be there, not just be left there - she is only 2 but it will be just fine when she's able to let me know she wants to stay with Nanna, i have no problems with that AT ALL. The other thing that makes it hard, is that my Mum still works & since her shifts are usually every day (except Wednesday) that wouldn't really work so well coz she'd either have to work the night or early the following morning so my daughter wouldn't have supervision constantly.
Yes i know my daughter wouldn't be here without her having had me but i often wonder if she considers my partner, daughter & i a family coz she only uses that term when it involves her doing things with us as well. I do NOT want to offend her in any way but i need to help her understand that sometimes we'd like to do things as a little family of our own - rather than always a monster 'family' outing where she & all the rest of the family has to be involved as well :)
I appreciate your thoughts, it's nice to hear from Grandparents who are on the opposite side of the fence to me!
@wabuser (114)
• China
10 Jun 08
Your absolutely right, First of all if you have a child that child is yours to care for and raise. Not your mothers i mean who in the world has never been raised or born by their parents, there is a reason why you had a child not your grandmother.
All you have to do is be honest, go up to her and say that it is getting on your nerves, and that you are very tired to go back and forth and your mum is already doing her best with the child already.
Maybe in a politer way or whatever fashion you use. Just do whats rite for your child.
1 person likes this
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
11 Jun 08
I don't mind visiting at all - i just think less routine would be better.
I've just thought about how by the age of 4 or 5, my daughter would expect to be seeing Nanna every other Wednesday & she'd want to be there but cant coz of Kindy or school or something.
I will be honest with her i just have to know how to word it without sounding like i don't want her involved or anything.
Thank you :)
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
10 Jun 08
like seeing her and stuff sounds a little cold to me. Dontyou
want your children to see their grandmother at all? jUst
think how you would feel if some terrible accident would
deprive you of seeing your mom again, and go from there.
your children would grow up not having a grandmother, I never
got to meet any of my grandmothers and only one grandfather,
and he was so precious to me.Now you are pregnant for gods sakes
let your mom do the traveling but dont shut her out. she
gave birth to youdo not you owe her something in return?
'Put yourself in your mothers place and ask yourself how'you would feel if your daughter did not want to be bothered
with you? I am sorry but i do not have much sympathy with you
here as your mom deserves to be heard.forone thing she just might
help you when you have two little ones,did you not think of that?
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
11 Jun 08
I don't need your sympathy, i would just like the chance to have a family & be able to spend time with them without feeling like my family doesn't exist unless she's there doing EVERYTHING with us - which is the impression i got after something she said not long ago.
She is also not the ONLY Nanna my daughter has, i cant always let my Mum see our daughter when she wants, there is another set of Grandparents to think about as well.
I am aware she wants to help & i'm happy for her to help but not when she does things her way rather than how i do them - things have changed.
I don't mind seeing her AT ALL - the routine thing was all that got on my nerves, me constantly driving a 2 1/2 hr round trip, always having to be a certain day of the week, it does get too much & very costly.
I have no intention of shutting her out, i'd never do that, i just need her to let me be the parent :)
Thanks anyway
@thaMARKER (2503)
• Philippines
10 Jun 08
I don't have kids yet but my parents has four grandchildren from my two brothers. The kids sometimes go to my parent's house to play and just gather there the whole day.
Sometimes my parents nanny them when their nannies are not around. These kids are very hyperactive, they can't just sit down for a while. They love doing things around the house. My parent's can handle that only for a day because they're old and they also have other things to do.
I, too, nanny them sometimes when I'm home and they always drain me.
@thaMARKER (2503)
• Philippines
10 Jun 08
My parents love their grandchildren. They love seeing them gather together in their house. They're not my kids though -- my brothers'. Anyway, my parents sometimes nanny them if their nannies are not around but they can't do that for like consecutive days. They're old and they also have other job to do. Kids at home are very active, they run and they can't just sit down for a while. And they always argue with something crazy. hehehe.. So my parents can't attain to that everyday..
@lotsalove (57)
• Philippines
10 Jun 08
Would you believe i got worked up just reading about your problem? I have 3 kids, the youngest is 5 so I can relate. With your mom, try to pry some information from her, like how did her mom cope when she was having you or your siblings? Maybe her actions now is a means of making up for her own mom's absence, or a she's simply copying what her own mom did when she was in your situation. That little pep talk could shed some light as to why she's making the whole issue an emotionally exhausting one for you both. It can only be one of the two, her own mother was a helicopter grandma when you and your siblings were very young; or that grandma was completely uninvolved. How she felt about her own relationship with her own mother during that time could explain some of the guilt feelings she's trying to pass on to you. Anyhow, when you do get the information, be sensitive and let her know how you'd like her to participate in all this. Let her know how you feel about your present arrangements. Tell her plainly how much time you think will be most beneficial for you, the babies and her. Bargain until you can meet on common ground, but make sure you agree only when you feel the arrangement is most comfortable. Stop taking the guilt ride, you will be a mommy again soon, you need your rest. By the way, I think 0nce a month at 2 hours is most acceptable.Good luck!
1 person likes this
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
11 Jun 08
Your thoughts are GREAT! I was beginning to wonder whether i was only going to upset people her as so far everyone has taken me to be cold.
My Mum's mum passed away when she was 17 so i never knew her & she wasn't around at all when us kids came along.
I have tried bargaining with her (to get it from weekly to bi-weekly) there wasn't much bargaining happening, i said i would feel better that way & then got the guilt trip.
I do appreciate her help & i want them all to have a relationship, it just seems hard to think my Mum doesn't want to listen to what i want & that her seeing the kids when she wants is all that matters.
I would make every 3 weeks or something but it's made difficult by her weekend activities, her working & so on, that it has to be on set days which is hard, especially if i haven't got the money to be going down there.
Thanks so much for your input though it's much appreciated :)
