What am i supposed to do if my son is being spoiled by my in-laws?

Philippines
June 10, 2008 11:00pm CST
My son is only 1 year and nine months. he's a cute little guy. he's very hyper and active. but, he is being spoiled by my in-laws and i am the one that's suffering. why? because, they give him anything he wants and lets him do anything. when i scold him when he do bad things like hitting me or shouting at me (at a very young age),he do tantrums. if he wants something and i don't give it, he hits me at the face or shouts and cries until he gets what he wants. what's the best way to deal with it?
5 people like this
14 responses
@emma412 (1156)
• United States
11 Jun 08
I would talk to your in-laws. Let them know how you want to raise your son and how you expect them to treat him in that respect. Let them know them spoiling him is having negative consequences on you at home. If they can't respect your rules then don't let them see him. It's fine for them to spoil him, that is what grandparents are for but it needs to be on your terms. He is your son. Let them reward him for good behavior and spoil him that way. Good luck!
1 person likes this
11 Jun 08
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1 person likes this
• United States
11 Jun 08
The first thing you need to do is to talk with your husband. If you present a united front with him to your in-laws, you will be in a much stronger position than if you go it alone. Once you have him on board, then the two of you can speak to the in-laws and set guidelines. If they do not follow your guidelines, then perhaps your visits with the in-laws need to be adjusted accordingly. As a grandparent myself, I say this: You are the parents, this is your child, and the grandparents need to follow you rules. That's the only way that makes sense for the child and for "relative peace" in the extended family.
• Philippines
16 Jun 08
I tried talking to my husband but nothing happened. He can't speak up. That's one of the reason why I don't have enough courage to talk to my in laws because I'm not sure if what side he would be. Maybe, I'm just afraid to face the fact that he would side more on his mother.
• United States
16 Jun 08
I'm sorry to hear that, and I have been in that position myself. I finally managed to speak up on those and related issues. It was not easy. In fact, it was very difficult. Those were trying times for our marriage. In the final analysis, I had to decide what was important for me and my children. Then I let my husband know he could either go along or not, but that I had to make some of these choices for myself and for what I thought was the right thing to do. I figure you are close to that point or you would not have posted the topic. My husband eventually recognized and respected my choices, though he didn't always agree with them--which was fair enough. Whatever you decide, I wish you only the best. Who ever said that being a part of a family is easy?
@MsEddie86 (236)
• United States
15 Jun 08
Okay first off he should not be hitting you in the face. i think since he is at the age where he takes in information u need to put your foot down and tell him no! and if he tries to hit u in the face you spank him. you are the adult he is not, he needs you for everything he wants and needs,not the other way around. and if that does not work then when he has his tantrums jus walk away and ignore him he will realize that crying does not help me get anything with you. and another thing you should talk to ur inlaws about spoiling him because its taking effect on you when he comes home because he thinks things should go the same way at home and they should not.I do believe in spaking children. so maybe he jus needs a good spanking for hitting you in the face and for throwing tantrums when he cant get what he wants. my daughter use to try and fall out when she didnt get her way and all i needed to do was show her whose boss and she got the picture. she is now 3 years old and has the manners of an adult.
• Philippines
16 Jun 08
I tried several time spanking him when he hits me in the face though it hurts my heart. And i after I did, he wouldn't stop crying and he will keep saying "mama".. I try to ignore him so that he would learn his lesson but I can't stand it seeing him crying. I love him so much. I just want him to stop hitting me because it really hurts. Another thing,I'm not the only person he spanks, also other people in the house.
@mialei23 (2386)
• Philippines
11 Jun 08
Hi kristineclaireiida. Spoiling a child is not good at very young age, tell you in-laws not to do this because the child may used to it. Tantrums at this age is normal in toddlers, just tell your child that that is "bad" but we know he/she doesn't understand it. Try to comfort your child. Every child has come this stage, if he wants something that you can give, try to give to him/her unless its not too much to give or something abusing, maybe that's what you in-laws did. Give him/her something that will destruct his/her attention for him/her to stop crying. Like giving food rather than toy, you let your child watch cartoon but educational movies.
• Philippines
16 Jun 08
Thanks for the advice mialei23. That's one of my biggest problem. My son won't stop making tantrums unless he gets what he wants. I tried comforting him and diverging his attention but still he hits me when he doesn't get what he wants.
@Swaana (1208)
• India
11 Jun 08
This happenns in most of the household. Dont worry, both the grandparents and your son will come out of this. If your son hits you or create tantrums, give him time out. At this age, he will definitely understand what time out means and will start realising things. Also you tell him that how it hurts and pains when he is hitting you. No kid will appreciate their mom or dad getting hurt. Also talk to your inlaws as if praising them. Tell them that their grandson is loving them much more and he is adoring them so much. Praising is the only way to tell your point of view without offending them. As others said, grandparents are there for spoiling the grand children, so let them do it.
• Philippines
12 Jun 08
thanks! i'll try using timeout if he hits me or create tantrums.. im just afraid that my son would hate me if i punish him.
@nanajanet (4437)
• United States
11 Jun 08
Please, go on Amazon.com, Ebay, the library or wherever and find child-rearing books by John Rosemond. Two that you should look for now are "The Six Point Plan" and "Making the Terrible Twos Terrific". Here is the link to his site, too. He was a HUGE help with me in many ways in rearing children. http://www.rosemond.com/
@nanajanet (4437)
• United States
11 Jun 08
Also, if you visit his site daily, he gives a lot of information. This was today's column... http://rosemond.com/view/389/21753/Weekly-Column.html
@sturner03 (326)
• United States
13 Jun 08
My inlaws did the same thing to me. I had my child only eating healthy foods, being respectful and doing what she was told and now she also throws tantrums and all that. I tried talking to my mother in law many times about the things that she was doing and she would get offended. I to wonder the same thing.
@fiona08 (454)
• United States
13 Jun 08
This is a tough situation, especially because you don't want to hurt your mother-in-law. Maybe you could enlist her help in the situation. Talk to her about whether she has notice the tantrums and bad behavior. Tell her you were thinking that between the three of you (your husband, you, and her), you could team up to try and correct the behavior. Include her in things you read, and things you want to try, and ask her opinion about some of the methods. Good luck with everything! I am glad you see that your mother-in-law is not a monster in this creating of your monster, so to speak. :)
@Ravenladyj (22992)
• United States
13 Jun 08
if he wants something and i don't give it, he hits me at the face or shouts and cries until he gets what he wants. OH HELL NO!! I would be consistantly firm with your son for starters and let him know that YOU are the boss...Secondly I woudl talk to your husband and tell him what you are feeling, the problems his parents are causing and ask him to talk to them..IF he doesnt then YOU DO IT...and if they dont change then either stop allowing him to go over there until they do stop OR always go with him and override them when they step out of line.. You need to remember and stand firm in the fact that YOU ARE THE PARENT AND YOUR FINAL SAY GOES....and if the in laws (or anyone for that matter) DOESNT ABIDE BY YOUR WISHES then they will not be allowed to be around your son..What ppl like that do isnt just bad for you its ULTIMATELY DAMAGING TO YOUR SON both short term and long term and you IMO should get firm and put a stop to it right away.....If you dont, good luck when he starts school for starters..because it will be HELL..
@luvinu617 (185)
• United States
13 Jun 08
Well a couple different things. First of all, you need to lay down the law with the inlaws. You have to let them know the the rules in your house apply everywhere else, including when he's with them. If they don't abide by these rules then they won't get to take him without you being there supervising. It might sound mean but it's your child and you have to make sure that he is being taken care of properly even when not in your care. Letting him get away with everything is not whats best for him and you have to put a stop to it one way or the other. Another thing, if he smacks you, you need to smack him back. I am not playing, it may sound mean, but you'll only have to do it a couple times before he gets the message. If he smacks mommy, mommy smacks him back. Not a fun game! Also, when he is throwing a temper tantrum, IGNORE him. Put him in time out for acting that way. Make him go to bed early. Make him stay in his room till he calms down, something, just DO NOT GIVE IN! If you say no, it means no. If you give into him even once he will think that acting that way works and he will continue doing it. You have to show him that you are the boss. There is no quick fix to this either. You have to be persistent and determined. You can not back down and you can not give in. If mom says something, he does it or he gets in trouble. Let him throw his tantrum, go off and do something else, leave him lying in the middle of the floor kicking and screaming and just walk away. Let him know that mommy is not going to respond to him or listen to him till he calms down and acts like a good boy. I really hope this helps you. Good luck, I'm sure you can do it.
@Hatley (159601)
• Garden Grove, California
12 Jun 08
kristine please do talk to your mother in law but be gentle as she loves your son too. just tell her what you have told us in a non confrontational way and I am sure she will not be hurt, make her know she is welcome always but just soft pedal the spoiling a bit as its making it hard for you.
@naseeha (1385)
• India
11 Jun 08
Try talking it out with your inlaws. I had the same problem but it has been rectified a bit. And i ignore a tantrum when i see one. That has helped in disciplining him. It is natural for grandparents to love their grandchildren to the point of spoiling them. THey cant help it. So it is better to talk to them about how their spoiling will affect his behaviour.
@cher913 (25895)
• Canada
11 Jun 08
how often does your son see your inlaws? do you have a husband (the son of these inlaws?) its his parents, (hopefully he sees this situation the same way you do) have him talk to them and tell them to change their ways!
@jerrly (74)
• China
11 Jun 08
There's a saying in Malay "To bend bamboo, start when it's still a shoot. To mold a person's character, begin when he's still young and impressionable". In-laws are there to give whatever the child wants because they are thinking that is the best way to show love... and they never realized that sometimes it affects the relationship between the parents and the child. In my own opinion as a mother in the future :) I am still responsible and accountable to my child's behavior. Perhaps the best thing that you can do is to talk to your in-laws with love and sincerity... I believe they will understand you and even support you...