Would you be a surrogate mother for your friend's baby?

United States
June 11, 2008 11:43am CST
How would you feel if a friend asked you to give up a year of your life and be her baby surrogate? I mean really. Not theorectically. But, actually taking the hormone or fertility shots and treatments. Going through the stretch marks and morning sickness. Giving birth. And, then simply handing the baby over to another person and cutting ties forever. Could you deal with that? What if you knew that there was no possibility to see the baby again? This is something I could never do. At this stage of my life, I'm not through having my own children. I can't imagine that I'd want to have a baby and then give it away, even if I were just the surrogate and that baby weren't genetically related to me. It would feel like such a betrayal. I have heard that some women get real joy from sharing the gift of life with others, but I'm going to have to be selfish and think of my family first. Right now, I need to be thinking about adding children to my own family, not someone else's. If a friend asked me to be her surrogate, I'd have to say, "No!" Many of my friendships have ended over tiny things. So, there would be no guarantee that I'd get to see the baby in the future. And, the mom might purposely cut ties with me or move across country, so that I couldn't get attached. Of course, I'd know in my head that the baby wasn't really mine. But, my heart is the one that runs the show! How would you feel in a similar situation?
1 person likes this
12 responses
@nicholejade (2430)
• Canada
11 Jun 08
I could never do that. You do grow a bond while that baby is inside you and just to hand it over and break all ties with that child for the rest of your life would be just a little too hard for me. I am working on getting pregnant right now and the battle and struggle that my fiance and I are going through is really hard on both of us. I honestly don't know if I can have children. I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome) hence why it is so hard to conceive. If we can't have children better yet If I can't give him a child I honestly don't know what I will do. I am truly having a hard time dealing with that.
@ShealM (388)
• Canada
11 Jun 08
See, that's where the difference is with my offer to my best friend. I would see the little one often as much as she does my 5 children. Her and her husband are godparents to my youngest, that must tell you something there *lol*. We are very good, close friends and see or talk to each other often. She is family to me and that made the offer easier for me. She has been battling infertility for 8 years, her whole marriage and still nothing has come of the battle yet. It's heart breaking to watch them suffer through this knowing I already have 5 children. It would thrill and warm my heart to give the gift of a child and life to another couple who cannot do this on their own. Most IFV treatments for surrogate mothers the child is not genetically related to them, the egg and sperm are from the couple with infertility issues leaving them with a child who is completely genetically related to both the father and the mother and not the surrogate. I would ask nothing in return, I don't believe in payment for surrogacy - I think it's wrong to expect a couple to pay for the surrogacy outside of IFV treatment fees. Here in Canada, OB\GYN care and health care are free. Why attach a condition of payment to something so sacred as life. I would never ask for payment either from my best friend or someone else seeking a surrogate. Of course, this is all theory as I can no longer carry safely on a medical stand point and that's where I draw the line - is my safety, the safety of the potential child and not taking away from my children the only mother they have known or have. My best friend's reasoning for declining was not only for a current IFV treatment but also the fact that she was aware that it was dangerous for me and did not want me to risk my well being for her. She thought it to be too selfish of her when there are other options like adoption and a possibly successful IFV treatment.
• United States
13 Jun 08
Hi NicholeJade. I can sympathize with you. We wanted a baby for ten long years and tried for a baby too, but nature did not have a baby in the works for us. Then we moved to our present town and suddenly were blessed with our little miracle. She has overcome tremendous odds. Even the doctors said she would have severe learning difficulties and that has not happened yet, years after the diagnosis. Doctors don't know everything. Sometimes waiting for her to arrive, before I got pregnant, having a baby and being pregnant was the only thing I could think about. I think that i wanted to get pregnant so long that I postponed the rest of my life. But, she was worth the wait. i'm not sorry for any of the choices I made. Be well. The universe will work something out in your favor. Blessings upon you.
• Canada
13 Jun 08
Thank you very much for giving me some home. I think mine also poses a problem because of my back injury as well. Yes trying to get pregnant with a back injury. It will be hard but the thing is I am not getting any younger.
1 person likes this
@sharay (2776)
• India
11 Jun 08
Never could i...just have no more words to express my feelings about it, I am a mother, so i know the pain involved in such situations...i really wonder how these surrogate mothers originated, it might be a great help for someone to lend the womb in fulfilling their dreams, it may be a wonderful way to help your loved ones, but still....just could not imagine of cutting that bond just like that after 9 months
• United States
13 Jun 08
Yes, I feel the same way too. It took so long for me to get pregnant that I could not simply give that gift away to someone else, when I still want more children in my life. I would long for those children forever, even if they were not genetically related to me.
@bagumbayan (2707)
• Philippines
28 Aug 08
I wont also be used myself to be the surrogate mother of anyone else. However I wont think otherwise if the request is from my family member who cant bear a child because of some medical problems or from someone whose in need of a child and I can give it to her. But impossibility is the best answer.
@limcyjain (3523)
• India
13 Jun 08
It wont be possible for me to do this. I wont have the courage to give away a child with whom i have my feeling attached for full nine months, for whom i have cared and loved. I wont like to take any fertility shots which are of any other man than my husband. So the very question of being a sarrogate mother does not exist here.
@magikrose (5424)
• United States
13 Jun 08
Once I found out that I could conceve and carry a baby to full term I have always wanted to be a surrogate mom for some one. I know the joy my children have brought me and I want to give that same joy to a family who want that same joy. Sadily I have had too many issues with the pregnancies with my own children I am unable to do that for another family. If I could I soooooo would do it.
@gmakesmoney (2923)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I've thought about it, for my best friend but in the end no. I love her, she's a sister but I honestly don't think I could live through the experience of child birth. To me feeling like ur ripped in half is just not natural. I was there when she had her son and that experience scared me for life. In the past few years she was unable to get pregnant and the thought crossed my mind. But honestly I just don't think that it's a good idea. I mean there are so many children out there across the world without parents. I believe in my heart that there is a higher reason for why some really good people can't have kids. I think it's so that they can give all that love to a child or children who need it more than anyone really realizes. DNA doesn't make a child yours, love does. I plan on adopting one day myself and to me a child doesn't have to be born of my egg to be born in my heart. That's just my take on it.
• United States
12 Jun 08
BeautyQueen, I probably never would have. I can't at all now, but I had to much trouble during my pregnancies and giving birth to my own. I truly admire those woman that can and do. I can not think of a more perfect gift of love and selflessness, than having a child for someone who desperately wants one and can not bear children. It takes a remarkable woman to do so.
• United States
12 Jun 08
I don't think I could be a surrogate mother for anyone, especially a friend. The wrench of giving away a child that I carried would be too much for my heart for a stranger and if for a friend I would feel very bitter watching the child I carried and nurtured be raised by another. I couldn't do it.
@jaynna (118)
• United States
11 Jun 08
wow.. this is a hard one because my heart says yes , but i couldn't .. One , I get real sick from being prego.. I mean bad.. I am throwing up all the time and second , I wouldn't be able to give up that baby..
• United States
11 Jun 08
I offered to surrogate for a friend who was unable to conceive. If I knew that it was not my biological child and that I were doing it for someone whom I cared about, then I think I'd do OK. And now...for many reasons, I won't be having any more biological children, its tough... I would still do it for someone else, but I'm not a good pregnant woman (at all, LOL) but I would still do it for a friend. It might be hard at this stage of my life because I want more children very much... but I don't think I'd hesitate to help someone else.
@lishiwei (1553)
• China
11 Jun 08
I also read someone talk about this kind of topic.It's really very hard for the women to do that. I think their husband also won't agree with it.I heard from my mother that born baby is really a hard work.And,no matter what you say,the baby is borned by you so I think the mother couldn't leave to others and think nothing about it. I think no one can do that especially some particular situation.
@ShealM (388)
• Canada
11 Jun 08
Absolutely yes, I have even offered in the past to surrogate for a very good friend of mine. Don't think she was expecting it either. If I were still medically sound to do so for her now (I offered a few years ago and she declined at the time because she was undergoing IFV treatments) I would still do it in a heart beat. Now, because of medical reasons I have to say no but not because I want to say no.