Not sure what to do anymore

United States
June 17, 2008 9:32pm CST
Hi Mylot folks. I am really having problems dealing with a situation at home. I'm working a lot and it's making a rift between me and my significant other. It's realy putting pressure on us as a couple. There is no time to spend with each other and I have a problem with wanting to be online when I'm home, not really talking. After working all day that's the last thing I want to do. I don't want to alienate my spouse but how do I say that I need me time?
5 people like this
16 responses
@rsa101 (16726)
• Quezon City, Philippines
18 Jun 08
Communications is very important in a relationship. You shoud try or exert some effort on your part to continue having link with him to return back a healthy and loving environment in you partnership. I hope you have kids to have that bond link too.
• United States
18 Jun 08
We don't have kids together. We want to get IVF this fall.
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (16726)
• Quezon City, Philippines
18 Jun 08
Now there something to talk about... Okay I do hop that you can plan doing that together.
• United States
18 Jun 08
Yeah we can talk about it but we're spinning our wheels right now. As soon as we have the money for it, we have some sort of emergency and spend it. I keep telling her not to worry it will happen, but it seems far away right now.
@nicholejade (2430)
• Canada
18 Jun 08
Be open and upfront with him that that you want some me time. There is nothing wrong with that. I like to have me time as well as sure everyone else does once in awhile. However if that is all you want to do is come home and come online I think there is something wrong. I say talk with him and figure a solution out. That is the only way things will be laid on the table and you both understand eachother.
• United States
18 Jun 08
She's fine but lonely.
• Canada
18 Jun 08
What about her making some friends.
@Jezebella (1446)
• United States
18 Jun 08
I agree with nichole. I wouldn't like it if my s/o is spending a lot of his time online and not with me. I say spend like an hour online and then watch a movie with her cuddling on the couch. You don't have to talk, but still spending time together.
@relundad (2311)
• United States
18 Jun 08
First I would suggest figuring out why you would prefer to spend your evenings staring at a computer as opposed to communicating with your spouse. Are you working a lot more as your job requires it or are you running from your spouse. Seems that there may be an underlying problem that needs to be solved. If its just me time that you want, why can't you share your evening by spending some quality time with your partner and then maybe sometime on online.
• United States
18 Jun 08
At my job, we're having problems getting enough workers together. She's wonderful. I just need the time to unwind after dealing with so much noise and annoyance with all the people at each other. I work 12 or more hours a night.
@msmargo (362)
• United States
13 Feb 09
Hi cwriter. I had a very stressful job dealing with people and their $. I needed to decompress when I got home. My bf didn't understand this for a long time. Altho older than me, he wanted my undivided attention from the time I walked in the door. No matter how I tried to explain it, he didn't get it. So I started not going right home after work. That helped alot. Now that I don't work, he gets it. Now it is not an issue. So explain that your need is not unusual and that you will be a better, more attentive, giving person when you get your me time after work.
• Canada
19 Jun 08
Hi cwriter - I think you have to determine what the main issue is. Do you not like to spend time with your spouse and can you not communicate well together. Or is it as simple as coming home and needing an hour to yourself to unwind before spending time with your partner? If it's the latter, then you can simply explain that you like to have a little quiet time as soon as you come home without being pressured to talk about your day and your partner should be able to respect that. If you actually would prefer to spend more time online communicating with online people rather than spending face-to-face time with your spouse, this is a whole 'nother issue entirely and is a big problem. If this is the case, you need to sit down by yourself to evaluate why you would rather spend time by yourself than with your partner. I don't think it's unfair of your partner to want to spend time with you especially if you already work long hours and are away from home a lot. Hopefully you can compromise where you doing things together that don't involve so much pressure to talk. Maybe go for quiet walks or just be in the same room while you read together. But if your partner is feeling like they're being neglected or ignored because you simply don't want to talk, you need to address this issue and let them know the problem is not your spouse. Good luck sorting things out!
@lingli_78 (12844)
• Australia
18 Jun 08
well, i think you just have to be able to divide your time equally between being online and spending time with your s/o... as much as you like to be online, but your s/o also need your time and attention as well... it happens in my house as well as both me and my hubby are working full time... so we try to work out a time when both of us are out of the computers and spend time with each other... take care and have a nice day...
@fjgamer (543)
• United States
18 Jun 08
I like to think work is your first priority. If your "significant other" can't accept that, then, you know she (or he) isn't right for you. That said, try to go to watch a movie every couple months with her.
@guss2000 (2233)
• United States
18 Jun 08
You sound just like me. After a long hard day, I just like to veg out and either do something online, read a book, or watch a tv show. I think that as long as you make a point to spend time with your significant other, they should be understanding. I'm a stay at home mom, but everyday is hard for me with my son (special needs kid) and with taking care of the house and doing things with my son's doctors/nurses at the end of the day I just feel like having quiet. My boyfriend was getting upset with me because of it, but now I've made it a point to do sommething with him in the evenings (some evenings) and still have my alone time. I LOVE alone time as much as I love spending time with him. Good luck to you and I hope that you get the alone time that you need.
• United States
18 Jun 08
Hi! I'm sorry you have so much going on. 12 hours a day is a lot. Me time is definitely important, but letting it interfere with a relationship that you're committed to will only lead to problems. What you need is to get everything balanced. If you can find the balance between work, time with her, and time for yourself, along with eating well and getting as much sleep as you can with your schedule, your stress will be greatly reduced. Making a planner works for me to schedule, prioritize, and find balance. Also, make the most of whatever days you have off. Yoga and meditation are great ways to de-stress and open your mind to solutions. Best wishes, good luck with starting your family, and feel free to drop me a line anytime! Namaste, Becky
@mimico (3619)
• Philippines
18 Jun 08
Have you tried telling him your feelings? I guess he might just misunderstand you totally. Or it might hurt his ego. Perhaps you should plan a Saturday night out every week? Surprise each other with some kind of a date every every week alternately so that you only have to put in effort twice a month instead of every day? That way, you can work the entire week and if he demands some alone time, remind him that you guys are going on a date on Saturday? Or Friday? Just sent a kind of schedule. Hopefully this will work. :)
• Indonesia
18 Jun 08
You should spare a little more time with your spouse. Communication is important in a relationship. And maybe you should ask yourself, why do you want the me time that much? Can you at least spare one to two hours with your spouse, maybe on weekends? It would put a strain in your relationship. Everyone need a me time, but a me time does not mean that you can ignore your significant other.
• India
18 Jun 08
[i]Hi! Relax cwriter!I feel you need to discuss with your partner that you need space and time. Until and unless you tell your partner they will not know. What's the point in cribbing , keeping the problem in you mind. Would you be benefited in any way? No, i don't think so. I feel it would be better for you to talk to your partner! Don't worry ,things would be alright eventually with time. Have a great day![/i]
• United States
18 Jun 08
Don't spend your "me" time on the computer if you have a limited amount of time with your spouse, that only shows that Mr. Monitor is more important, and I don't think that should be your argument. She needs you, face to face, eye to eye and ear to mouth. Don't let the time she needs with you go by, she will resent the computer and you on it. After you read this post, turn it off and spend some time with her.
@subha12 (18453)
• India
18 Jun 08
I think you know the solution yourself. just go for adjustment. i can't say you to compromise with work. but while at home, cut on online activity. better spend quality time with spouse.
• Philippines
18 Jun 08
Due to advance technology and opporunities in the web. Many people is now depending to the used of internet and tend to loosen the value of life coz they spend almost their 24hrs online. They tend to forget the value of sleep, the value of family, the value of things that sorrounds them and specially we forget ourselves.It happened to me before, after work I usually rush to the front of my monitor and only turn it off when I have to sleep for 3 hrs daily. I just realized that reality of life is not only inside the web but also have to exposed myself physically. It alarms me after asking what if, all of my love ones will gone??? what will I do?? No one takes replacement for them. I have genuine happiness when am with my family. So now, I see to it that I'll spend time with my family first before hitting my keyboard.We have to set your priorities in life cwriter. Our life is not only depending on the web, we have our own personal life too. We should balance ourselves to everything we have coz too much of something is dangerous to us human.
@SomeCowgirl (32266)
• United States
18 Jun 08
I used to work 23 hour shifts and when I got home I took 15 minutes to get ready and then met up with my fiance for a day. I would pretty much always sleep when I was with him, and he was worried that I wasn't getting enough sleep. One day when I got home from work, I got online and started Im'ing him, I had about 3 hours before I had to be back at work, and I started feeling sick to my stomach. I told him I would still go to work but it got to the point where I was confused, and just needed sleep. He basically made me promise that I would not go in, I did. I called the friend that was supposed to pick me up and told him that I wasn't going in because I didn't feel well. I had to tell him this so that he could tell our various supervisor's. Needless to say, my fiance made me quit soon after. I am not telling you this to make you feel that you do not work as much as I did at this job, nor am I saying this to make you feel as if you should. I know that the amount of hours I Worked seems like I am fabricating, but I am afraid I am not. I worked for two hotels and a convention center in the county I used to reside in. I can understand how you feel about not talking as when I did get home I alienated my family . I would suggest telling him that you would like a little time to unwind after work, and that you wish to do this so that you do not bring any negativity to your relationship with him. I think that he will understand if you explain to him that what you do is hard work and that you just need a bit of peace before talking to him. Have you tried taking on less hours so that you can be with him more and rest up more? I know that rest can cause a person's behavior to change drastically, I am not saying that you have become rude.. I am only saying that your lack of want to talk to him after work seems to indicate that you just don't have enough "you" time and sometimes rest can help you feel more rejunevated.