Am I wrong to feel this way?

@cream97 (29166)
United States
June 20, 2008 10:29am CST
I have lived with my in laws for five years.. I have seen my mother and father in-law everyday during these years.. So now, I have my own place, and I don't want to see them so much. I mean I want them to visit, but call first.. I am a fair person. And I want them to respect me. My in laws usually will come over almost 4 to 5 days out of the week.. So, now, seeing them is like irritating. My husband will not move us somewhere else. So that means that I will have to just stick with where we are living at.
9 people like this
29 responses
@checapricorn (16066)
• United States
20 Jun 08
wow...So, it's always a surprise visit cream? I wonder why they will not inform you ahead maybe they just want to surprise you all..Anyway, we are far from in laws and I don't meet them often...Maybe, your husband needs to talk to them and let them understand that they need to inform you ahead so that you can prepare or whatever reason you have since you are not comfortable having them....
3 people like this
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
20 Jun 08
Yes, I believe that they enjoy coming at the wrong time without calling.. I guess they want to see what we are doing when we are not around them. To me it is very rude and nasty.. They must be is trying to catch us in the act or something. Too late for that, because we have already done what they come to walk up on..
2 people like this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
6 Jul 08
That is indeed annoying! My best friend one time came out of her bedroom in a hurriedly put on robe because she heard someone come into her house! It was her in-laws, they were making themselves at home and she was really ticked off because she and her hubby had been stealing a moment, or trying to! She didn't even know they were going to be in town because they hadn't bothered to call, and to walk right in like that?! Boundaries, people!
• United States
7 Jul 08
hahaha! That was cool! Anyway, I wish they will find something else to keep themselves busy rather than visiting you often..LOL! I like your new avatar!
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
21 Jun 08
I live with my in laws. I think I have wrote this to you on several occasions. I call them my in laws but my fiance and I Are not yet married. When we do get married we will still live here, and we have discussed it with his mother. His mom knows her boundaries and respects our privacy. She will knock on our door before opening it (unless we are sleeping as she knows he sleeps like a rock and that I don't mind if she comes in) and / or she will call through it to make sure we are decent. If my mother in law was to ever over step her boundaries or in a more blunt term "become nosy" I would feel as if my privacy and my fiance's privacy was compromised. I would tell my fiance how I felt but would not do much on the manner as I respect my mother in law. I will do my best to evade her questions and / or smile even if her constant botherings annoy me. I know that deep down she only wants what's best for her son , and hopefully when we are married, what is best for the both of us. I hope that you get things sorted out with you husband and with your in laws so that you do not need to worry about losing your husband's trust, or angering any of the in laws in anyway. You are not wrong to feel the way you do . Have a Great day
2 people like this
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
21 Jun 08
Yes, once my mil would not knock at our door, she would just come in.. That is why when I go to in my room, I will keep my door locked all the time..
2 people like this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
6 Jul 08
I have had that happen to me!! My mil used to basically ignore the fact that when she lived here, she lived in MY home! It belongs to me and my husband, he was being kind and letting her live here. She used to just walk in on me all the time, she wouldn't even knock. Now I didn't mind my kids just walking into my room but my kids weren't stupid, they'd stick their heads in the door and then wait if I started yelling that I was in the bathroom or something. My mil? Oh she'd just walk right in. Once I was getting my little one out of the shower and drying her hair, and I had a towel around me but not very well. She walked right in on me and I wasn't wearing anything! I screamed at her to get out of my room, I could not believe she had the nerve. She almost walked in on my husband before, THAT didn't go over well either. She lives in another state now. Things are so pleasant! I even talked to her on the phone recently and it was a nice conversation. I do not want her to live with us again though, and I would never tolerate her 'just dropping by' either. Boundaries are important and I have a few I won't bend on.
@polachicago (19073)
• United States
20 Jun 08
Cream97, I would start my own game to make them feel not invited. I mean by nice way. I would make myself sitting with "headache" and ask for help with tea, cooking and so on.... I would be miserable little lady who has many problems and need help. I would be sweet as pie, but make them willing to call first. They would find better things to do if they deal with me. Oh, how about just needed to take a shower and stay in washroom for 2 hours? I guess I would find many ideas.... Take care HUGS
2 people like this
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
21 Jun 08
Yes, that is what I will do. I try to not make myself available when they come over.. So, I will be in another room. They have to understand that I don't want to be bothered all the time with the nonsense..
2 people like this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
6 Jul 08
That is a great idea. I would also do what I do anyway - not be there. They cannot exactly come over uninvited and stay there all day if I am not home =)
@jammyt (2824)
• Philippines
21 Jun 08
What you are feeling is perfectly normal. You just want to feel a sense of privacy. We lived with my in laws for almost 3 years. When we moved to our own house in the same compound, MIL kept going to our house and telling the maid and the nanny what to do. We got fed up so we moved to my parent's house. We've been living there for almost a year now. Now I'm having conflicts with my own mom on how to rear my child. Sheesh! We're looking for a place of our own and see if our money permits us too. be thankful that even if they visit 4 out of 5 days, you still have your own house. That's a lot better than staying with them...
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
21 Jun 08
Yes, I know.. It try to look at it this way too.. That way, it won't be so hard to deal with the situation.
@sanell (2114)
• United States
21 Jun 08
yeah I do not think you are wrong to feel that way. You have your house now there should be respect there but at the same time, it can be difficult too. I mean you were living with them for 5 years you know? anyway, yes you should at least say please call first because I know with having two small kids My house is hardly cleaned well enough for guests.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
21 Jun 08
Yes, it may be very hard for them.. But we have been on our own for a whole year now... So, that was plenty of time for them to get used to us, having out own place and not being around us so much.. I guess they want all their 5 years back.. But it may not work that way..
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Jun 08
Its your house, if you respected their rules while you were there then she should do the same. Plus, they might just miss you and want to see you, or their son. It will taper off, and if it doesn't tell them.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
20 Jun 08
Well, I hope so..Because it can be quite annoying as of now..
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Jun 08
That sucks I couldn't do it. Right now we live next door to my parents and the babysitting convenience is great but we need to get away. We are in the process of moving now.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
20 Jun 08
I just wish that I could move too..
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Jun 08
I don't think you are wrong to feel the way you do. We all need our own personal space and privacy. you should not have to move out of your home to get away from the in laws but sometimes that is what it takes if everything else you have tried don't work.
1 person likes this
@AshleyHasan (1024)
• India
21 Jun 08
I feel you are wrong to feel this way, because they have all the rights to visit their sons house, when ever they want to , You said you dont want to see them because you saw them for years but that is not right , your husband is in this world because of your in laws only, please change your mindset, imagine if they were your parents, will you think the same way, treat them as your parents, every body like to live separately but family is very important making others happy gives satisfaction. Try to love them as your parents, I am sure you family life becomes happy..I am sorry if I have hurted your feelings but thats how I feel...
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
21 Jun 08
And no, they are not going to just come over when they want to, they will call first.. If I was to go to their house then, I would call. I want to be shown the same respect as I would give to them.. I am not changing my mindset, because I am not doing anything wrong. This is my house now, and I have the right to not allow some one to just come over when they want to. Even my own sister does not just come over. If she does, then I will tell her to come over at such and such time.. I cannot treat them as my parents, because they have not birthed me. I am ashamed to call my mil, mother-in-law because she does not act like a mil.. She is not even worthy to be called grandmother..
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
6 Jul 08
AshleyHasan, maybe you are used to another culture. I am sorry to tell you that I agree wholeheartedly with Cream. When a couple marries, it is NOT okay for the parents of the couple to continue to visit and harrass the couple all the time! I love my parents but I certainly would not want them dropping by my house all the time without calling, wanting to hang out there all day when I had things to do etc. I think you are missing the point of boundaries. We are talking about adults here, adults with spouses and probably children. I don't want my parents or his mom meddling into our lives constantly. It's our turn to do our own thing and like i mentioned in another post, it's our home. Nobody has the right to just come over uninvited! Do you like it when people just come over uninvited? What if you were expecting other company and now the uninvited people ate whatever you prepared for your planned company? What if you had doctor's appts or your kids had soccer and ballet or whatever? I have one 'grown' child, she is 18. I love her dearly but I do not meddle into her life repeatedly. I would never think to just drive over to her place 5 days a week without seeing if she even wanted me to visit. *frustrated about this topic*
• United States
21 Jun 08
Such a surprise visit would give me a migraine. Once upon a time, I lived in an apartment and the landlord always felt it was her privelege to drop by and "inspect" on a regular basis. She had no reason to believe that she would find anything out of the ordinary, but she just liked to be irritating. For money reasons, we could not move. Sounds like you are in a similar situation. I do not know all the particulars of your situation or what the effects of any adverse action could be, so I cannot advise you on your issue. If you were to tell your mother in law to call first, before dropping by, would that be such a bad thing? I am not in your situation, so I don't know. Perhaps, you could restrict their visiting days to just Thursdays or Saturdays or twice a week, but only on certain days. I hope that comes across as genuine, cause my point is this. It's your home. Not your mother-in-laws. Your home! And, noone should make you feel uncomfortable in it. You're NOT being unreasonable. You might want to put your foot down on this one. You don't have to move to get peace. You do need her to understand that she needs to stay out of your kitchen and spend more time in hers. It's your life. Best of luck. Let me know how it works out.
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
21 Jun 08
And the thing to this is, my mil has no home of her own to go to.. She tags along with my fil all the time.. Everytime he comes over she is with him. When they had their place she would always be home, but now since they don't have a place of their own to live, she comes with him every where that he goes.. Once my fil would leave my mil home in the house all day long.. So, she is in my kitchen mostly so to speak..
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
6 Jul 08
Where do they live?! I wasn't aware that they no longer had their own home. They need their own home, pronto!
@allen0187 (33877)
• Philippines
21 Jun 08
i take it that they have the habit of droppign by unexpectedly. you can try this. place a hat or umbrella near your door and when someone buzzes, wear the hat or carry the umbrella, if the unexpected visitor is someone you like to entertain, you can say that he/she was lucky because you were on your way out and woudl now stay because of the guest. if the unexpected visitor turns out to be someone you'd rather not see, ie your in-laws, you can always say that you're on your way out. of course, you'd let them in but at least you'll have a reason to either leave or ask to come back sometime, since you'll be "going out". try it and get back to me if it works. lol!!! honestly, just sit down and talk to your husband about it and i'm sure he can pass the message in a very discreet manner that your in-laws should phone you first before they drop by your place. i've lived with my in-laws as well for two years and now that i have moved my family to a place of our own, my in-laws always phone me first before they drop-by.
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
21 Jun 08
And that is way that it is supposed to be.. Even if you used to live with them for two years, they still need to call you before they drop by. The only person that may call would be my sister-in-law, their oldest daughter.. But the rest of them, Oh, no!
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
6 Jul 08
You know, I would go drop by THEIR place unannounced and then try to make excuses to hang around and visit, even when you can tell they are trying to leave. Then you can make comments about how nice it would be to stay for dinner - in essence forcing them to invite you to dinner as well. Then when you know they are good and uncomfortable, let them know that this is how you feel every time they drop by unannounced and then try to hang out all day at your home. I'm sure they may 'get it' then.
@nilzerous1 (2435)
• India
20 Jun 08
Horrible experiences you have with your in laws. And I just can't make out don't they have any business other than following you everywhere? I also understand your feelings. Your husband seems to be somehow indulging in the acts of your in laws. But better late than never. Try to move on to somewhere else. Discuss the matter with your husband and tell him that this way you will actually be able to maintain talking terms with your in laws. Regular visits or meetings will only ruin your relationship with in laws forever.
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
20 Jun 08
Yes, it will. It will only make things much harder for me, when I am around them all of the time.. I want as much distance as I can away from them..
• India
20 Jun 08
And I think that's the only way to resolve this issue.
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
6 Jul 08
I would be irritated. The only people I don't mind coming by unannounced are few and far between, my best friend and my older daughter who moved away. The thing is, either or both of them would likely call or text me when they were on the way! I don't even think I'd want my mom to just come over without calling. I'm not always home and that's why I like people to call first so I can expect them. Could you ask your husband to have a talk with them about their visiting habits? Don't they have anything else to do other than come over 4 or 5 days a week? That seems excessive. I don't even visit my friends that many days a week!
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
7 Jul 08
Yes, I have talked to him, and his parents still come over, even to pick him up sometimes.. But still, they should not be there as much..
@neelygal (1022)
• Bahamas
21 Jun 08
Have you told your husband that you feel this way?I would let him know that this is annoying me and I needed it to stop.I really do not see why they have to visit so often.Do you have kids that they maybe are looking forward to spending time with?If not then definitely it is way too much.Thankfully my mother in law only visits maybe oncve every 2 weeks,lol.You have my deepest sympathy.When my husband and I were getting married that is the one thing I put my foot down on,that we would not be living with either his family or mine.
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
21 Jun 08
Yes, my mistake is staying with them all those years, now it is so hard for them to let us go, like that.. I need space..
@patzel88 (3311)
• Philippines
21 Jun 08
hi, well for me that is not really irritating because in my situation i live in my in laws for almost 12 years and never had a place to go too. so i have to widen my patient to live more years. i try to convince my partner to rent an apartment to feel and to handle our family, but my partner always ignoring my idea because he could not live he parents.
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
21 Jun 08
Wow, seems like we are in similar situations.. I hope that your partner comes to realization..
@djmarion (4901)
• Philippines
21 Jun 08
well surprise visit can really be very irritating specially when you are not in the mood for some nice little talk, i understand what you feel but unfortunately you can not do much about it since they are your husband's parents and literally speaking they are now you're parents too. sounds suffocating but maybe you just felt very much unease with their presence. try to be a bit loose.
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
21 Jun 08
Yes, there is much I can do.. If I don't want them there, they will have to leave on my terms.. I want them to come over, but not everyday when they feel like it. I do need my privacy..
@kenzie45230 (3560)
• United States
21 Jun 08
You're not wrong. You're living in your own place and you should be able to establish rules and boundaries. Hopefully your husband is with you on this. Since they're his parents, either he should speak with them or you both should. Perhaps you need to make a special dinner for them where you can both tell them how much you appreciated them helping you out by letting you live with them, but now that you're in your own home, you'd really like to have them call before coming over. If they're reasonable people, they should understand.
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
21 Jun 08
Yes, if they reasonable they should understand.. When the truth comes out, then I will know how they really are..
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
21 Jun 08
You are in a really tough spot because no matter how kindly you word it, they are apt to take offense to you telling them this. If anyone should say anything to them, it should be your husband, but still, I'm sure it would be hard for him too. I can't imagine visiting someone that much without wondering if I were intruding. If I were you, I would be kind to them but continue on with whatever you were doing before they came over. Or better yet, how about you and hubby be prepared to cut their visits short by saying you planned on going out or visiting with friends. You don't have to really go anywhere or you could ride around the block and come home.
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
21 Jun 08
Yes, very smart answer that you just gave! This is what I need to do.. No matter how I put it, they still are going to take offense to my statement. I agree with what you said.. It makes every bit of sense.
• Philippines
21 Jun 08
Feeling that way is all right. You have the right to privacy because you already have your own life with your husband separated from his parents. However, I guess your parents-in-law may have their reason for such act. If you really want something to happen and clear this up then you must have the courage to summon both your husband and your parents-in-law. Have a conversation with them and ask their opinions and tell yours. Do it in a nice way. They are older that you, they will feel threatened if you just snap in front of them. You must plan how you approach them and carefully open up the issue. I hope that you'll be able to solve this problem of yours. Good luck :-)
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
21 Jun 08
Yes, thanks for your response!
1 person likes this
• India
20 Jun 08
It seems that they have did some harm to you I recommend you to not to care about them and be cool and mainly concentrate on your work and be happy
• Philippines
21 Jun 08
yeah rigth i agree with you..