having children out of wedlock

@Shawchert (1040)
United States
June 20, 2008 10:45pm CST
ok so I was in pogo and bragging about my son, and suddenly I get this question "Are you married" I'm staring at my screen and answer no. and he told me that I shouldn't have even had my son if I wasn't married. well this shot me off the rock right there because well it's not really his business to judge, even though this is the internet and well people don't interact much other than with words. Anyways I figured it would be a good topic for mylot. Do you believe that someone should be married before having children and why is it you came up with this conclusion?
7 people like this
37 responses
@banadux (630)
• United States
21 Jun 08
As useless as marriage is as an institution with over 50% of marriages ending divorce I don't think marriage and children have any relation. If you are with the person you are truly going to spend the rest of your life with then yes you are ready to have a child, but if you find yourself getting divorced or moving on to other relationships then you weren't ready to have a child. It seems that the child is always considered last in life these days. People claim to put them first after they have them, but what about before?
1 person likes this
@Shawchert (1040)
• United States
21 Jun 08
When I found out I was pregnant, everything went for him. before he was... it was about my life and making me happy, now it's making sure he's taught properly and taken care of.
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
22 Jun 08
The problem with this is because so many people who are not really in love with each other get married! There are people pushed into marriage by family who believes in getting married because somebody got pregnant! You have the nutcases who still 'arrange' marriage and there is no relationship of the couple in advance, maybe they don't even know each other so how could they like each other? Sorry but I don't want to be forced into a marriage 'because I'm pregnant' nor would I want to be forced into a marriage because somebody's parents think it's a benefit to the family. I know there are cultures out there like this but to me this is archaic and puts the focus in the wrong place. Somebody else cannot DECIDE for me who I will love. Fat chance. Even my best friends - who are much closer to me than my family now - would not undertake such a huge responsibility LOL! Anyhow, my point in saying this is there are reasons why statistics are the way they are. Included in that 50% divorce rate are a lot of marriages that happened for the wrong reasons. If you look at the divorce rate for couples who were really in love before they got married and resisted other people's attempts to bother them before or during or after they got married, I bet those statistics would not be 50%. I would venture to say more or even most of those relationships last.
• United States
21 Jun 08
I think that weather you are married or not makes no difference. Just because a person is married doesn't make them a good parent. Just because a person is married doesn't mean that their children will be any better off than the ones who's parents are not married. Marriage don't always mean that the children are taken care of properly and not being abused. That is what is important about having a child. Being able to take care of them, love them and support them emotionally, physically and mentally. I think all children born into this world are a gift from God and it is so sad that to many times people take that for granted. Besides if I am not mistaken Mary and Joseph were not married when she conceived Jesus nor when she gave birth to Jesus. So who are we to judge weather it is wrong or right?
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
22 Jun 08
Ahh, and for the people who have judgement for young parents, mothers OR fathers, if I remember correctly, Mary and Joseph were about 13 and 14 years old too. They did not SEEM like typical teens but back then I don't think there was such a thing as being a teen, you were a child and then suddenly you were a man.
• United States
22 Jun 08
good point and I don't think even childhood was typical then either. Children were taught to work at a very early age.
@vera5d (4006)
• United States
21 Jun 08
I think people should have their kids BEFORE they get married. I'm sure that sounds bizarre, especially because there are good reasons to wait until after you are married and kids really need both parents... but it's a kid that really teaches you how to love unconditionally and to "stick through it" with all the good times and bad times. You learn that you can't break up with your kids and that you have to figure out a way to work things out...I think that helps you when you finally do get married to know what it takes to stay committed and loving to each other. I know that's a strange way of thinking about it, but that's what I think. Sure, being married might make it easier to have a good house and a good job before the kids come along - but then again it might not!
1 person likes this
@Shawchert (1040)
• United States
21 Jun 08
That is a very good perspective! you are so right too, I have learned to commit to things, and my son helped me with that. Although I am still single, I am a bit more picky than I normally am because the man I go with has to treat me and my son like a package. he can't be on the sidelines! We'll see what's in store in the future, thanks for the nice post!
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
22 Jun 08
I am sure that some people are forgetting that some people have been together for YEARS as a couple before they have kids.. and they may not be married. They may support each other in every sense of the word, they may own shared property, a shared home, vehicles etc. They may both count on each other, to take care of the home, to work and pay bills, etc. Getting married after this is more or less just making it legal in the eyes of the government and affording you spousal benefits. It changes neither your commitment to each other, your identity as parents of your children, or really any of what you have together. It is amazing however how that can change how judgemental people SEE YOU.
• United States
21 Jun 08
Why is that a problem exactly? Many people born in America didn't have parents with a typical marriage. And it makes us a great and diverse country. It still shocks me how people can be so close minded. This person you talked to didn't even care if you were actually a great parent or not. How does marriage override having a healthy child that's well taken cared of? It's definitely a great topic for Mylot. Stuff like this gets me all riled up.
1 person likes this
@Shawchert (1040)
• United States
21 Jun 08
I agree with you wholeheartedly! People shouldn't be married, although I do find that you should at least be with that person for a while to get to know them and if you want to be with them and know it will work out (which may end up being false anyway...) but just in my case accidents happen. And yes either to have a very good mother (or father in many cases) or a horribly broken relationship I'd rather pick the single any day.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
22 Jun 08
It gets me all hot and bothered too. There is no reason to marry unless you're in love, and in my opinion, it is nobody else's business who you marry or when. There is never a reason when it is somebody else's business and I cannot wait until there is some type of legal consequence for other people getting involved! I mean it would be nice if such a thing existed. Marriages and great relationships have been ruined and wrecked by other people.
@ersmommy1 (12600)
• United States
21 Jun 08
What I find interesting is that the guy asked if you were married. You say no. It seems to me he not only judged you he assumed you to have never been married. Whether or not you have been married is not the issue. He judged you for being single, but was also judging divorced couples. Which now a days is as frequent as non marrieds having kids. SOOOO WHAAAT? People should also stay in a bad marriage. Just be the best parent you can be. You cannot spend time worrying about what others think.
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
22 Jun 08
Or widowed parents. Since I am married, if somebody asks I will usually answer that I'm married. If I wasn't, I would have a choice. I could say that I'm single, or I could say that I'm divorced. Or I could say 'it doesn't matter so it's none of your business'. =P
@kerriannc (4280)
• Jamaica
21 Jun 08
This is the modern world. Where does he live. All the countries that used to look down on the children who born out of wedlock has pass legislation to protect these children. Fornication is wrong according to the bible but this has been happening centuries upon centuries and now they are being protected so he needs to go and bury his head. Do worry continue to love your son but do over do it.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Jun 08
This is a great post!!! Wow! That offends me. Even though my husband and I have been "together" for 8 years, we have only been married for a year as of this June. We have 2 boys, 7 and 5 years old. You do the math. So what exactly was that person referring to? So because you had a child out of wedlock and that is against his belief, if you had an abortion or gave the child up for adoption that would be ok?!?! I don't understand people sometimes, honestly. To be bragging about your son just shows that you are a loving mother who is proud of her son. You should be commended for that, not insulted. Good for you and forget that loser! Always be proud that you are a good mom!! :)
@taface412 (3176)
• United States
21 Jun 08
For my own personal self yes I would like to be married before having children. But as for others I guess it is their own business, but there are a lot of children out there who are born out of wedlock...and a lot born to women who are barely adults themselves.... No, I do not have children yet. But if and when I ever decide to be a parent I woul dhope to be married. But in the same breath I do not know if and when I will be married, so I figure if I am not by the time I am in my mid to late 30's (which that window is approaching) and I have a decent, stable job as a nurse (something with a decent salary to support myself and a child without aide of any type) then I will attempt to be a single parent. I just know deep down if and when I get married I have chosen someone I would want to have children with, but if he doesn't come along until later I will not want to miss motherhood. But this needs to be pointed out not everyone who is a single parent made a "mistake", everyone has a story and everyone has different circumstances in their lives to deal with. Or you could look at it this way, would you want your daughter/son to be a single parent?
1 person likes this
@SusanLee (1920)
• United States
21 Jun 08
Yes, I believe people should be married before they start having children. Why? Because I'm a big believer in the bible. I think there is a reason why God wants us to follow a certain path, for our peace and the childrens path. Does it always happen that way and works out? Of course not. I have a grandson who was born out of wedlock, I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world. He was an unplanned blessing. I was married before I got pregnant, could I have gotten pregnant before I got married? I sure could have. I was just fortunate that I didn't, but I could have. What did this person think you should have done? Aborted the child, that's ignorance gone to seed. It wasn't until later, after I became a Christain that I was able to see the wisdom in marriage before babies. Of course in a perfect world we would get the right spouse the first time around and everyone would live happily ever after. We do not live in a perfect world. As for women that want children and not a husband to go along with it, who am I to say what is right for them. I just wish the best for everyone.
@Shawchert (1040)
• United States
21 Jun 08
see this is what I am talking about being open minded. :) Thank you for your response. Even though I am not religious and I honestly don't believe in marriage, I appreciate your answer :) Oh and congrats on your 500th post!
@SusanLee (1920)
• United States
21 Jun 08
lol thank-you, I didn't ever realize I had hit 500, cool.
@Shawchert (1040)
• United States
21 Jun 08
not a problem at all! :3 I'm proud to have my discussion as your 500th post :D
@Emma30587 (402)
21 Jun 08
No, I dont think you need to be married to have children, aslong as the children are brought up right and they know whats right and wrong and both parents play a huge part in his/her life - wether the parents are together or sepertated. Its surprising, in the world today, just how many people are so old fashioned!
@Shawchert (1040)
• United States
21 Jun 08
Unfortunately his father wants nothing to do with him, and has threatened my son against me if I go for child support. So I'm doing the best thing for my son and keeping him away from his father. If my son wants to know his dad I'm not going to keep him away from him though. If he is old enough to understand about such things and wonder why he isn't there. I'll tell him, and if he wants to see his father as I had said before I'll find a way. If his father doesn't want to see him, well it's not my fault it's his!
21 Jun 08
In that case you are doing the right thing keeping your son away from him. I cant stand men like that..theres a little boy out there with his blood running through his vains and he wants nothing to do him. Makes no sense to me! Sounds like you are doing a great job with your little boy and i wish you all the luck in the world. I know how hard it can be bringing up kids.
@Shawchert (1040)
• United States
21 Jun 08
Thank you very much, yes I'm doing what I can to raise my son right :)
• United States
21 Jun 08
Optimally, 2 parents are better than 1. That doesn't mean that this should never happen, although for me, I don't understand the drive to reproduce, adding that much responsibility to myself alone. I actually don't understand the desire to reproduce at all. I got children the old fashioned way, accidentally, althought I love them with all my heart. I was not married when I got pregnant, so I also got married the old fashioned way, because of it. It is easier to live life within the boundaries that society accepts, but certainly does not mean it is the only way to go. Abusive relationships provide a worse environment for children than single parent environment. That said, the family courts seem to favor mothers that have actually made that commitment to the father, or maybe it just seems that way as I live very close to the Bible belt.
• United States
22 Jun 08
Hi martindale, I have to disagree with you. I believe one parent is good enough. I raise my oldest by myself and she listen to me, there was no interfering with the father. And I also believe that one could have a child and not have to be married. Anyway, I'm married now and have a child with my husband. i never knew how many problems we were going to have, I say no, he say yes, a fights break out and yelling and screaming, and I still say no. It gets to a point where I know she is playing both of us. And I get to a point, where I don't care anymore. I prefer to be a single parent with kids than to have a husband not backing me up. (but that's me)
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
22 Jun 08
Martindale, like I explained to Shawchert in an earlier comment, not everybody WANTS to be a parent. There are some (like me) who definitely wanted kids. I knew this way back when I was a little girl. I was exposed to all sorts of things, from mothers and fathers to people with wonderful careers. I can't fault any adults in my life for not showing me options. Nevertheless, I am not a career oriented person and I spend almost 24/7 with my youngest daughter. You are right in stating it is easier to live life within the boundaries that society accepts. The only thing is... I would only do this if it applied to me. If the boundaries did not apply to me, I guess I wouldn't care. I have always known that life is not always easy, pffft. It is rewarding though when you live your life the way you want to vs the way other people say you should.
@lingli_78 (12844)
• Australia
21 Jun 08
i don't think that it is right for anybody to judge people like that... if a person choose to have a child before she is married, then it is her choice and nobody should intervene... especially strangers... people should learn to mind their own business and don't judge other people that easily... take care and have a nice day...
@Shawchert (1040)
• United States
21 Jun 08
thank you and I do agree with you. you have a great day as well, it's beautiful here :) hoping the same for you thanks for the response!
• Philippines
21 Jun 08
everyone has differing life circumstances. what's best for one person is not applicable to another and vice versa. he is not living your life, and it's none of his business because you are not affecting his life.
@Shawchert (1040)
• United States
21 Jun 08
short and to the point, the way I like it lol. yes every life and lifestyle is different and no it shouldn't bother him because whatever I get from the government I'm basically giving as well because I have a full time job. lol well I'm not too worried about it, just figured I would post something interesting up :)
@mimico (3619)
• Philippines
21 Jun 08
I believe that you should only have a child when you're in a secure relationship with someone. It's possible to raise a child by yourself in this day and age, but it would be better for the child if he had a mom and a dad. Anyway, if you're not married because the guy left you or you had a falling out, then you should just keep your eyes open just in case a dad-material kind of guy comes along. In the future, there will be many instances when your child will need a father figure in his life and just you alone won't be enough.
@Shawchert (1040)
• United States
21 Jun 08
I agree although some unstable relationships don't turn that way till there's a change, and my relationship was semi stable, he let me be for as long as I wanted and we did things. but he was a narcissist and really cared only about himself, and wanted my son to be aborted. I couldn't let that happen. I took the responsibility for what I did instead of taking the easy way out. Of coarse I am looking for dad material but not really, I don't want to rush into another relationship and I want a good father figure for my son. Although I do have plenty of them around though. My dad, my best friend, and my brothers... but they aren't good father figures though LMAO... they are just there. but my son should have a guy to talk to no matter if I am single or not because I dont' just hang out with one gender :P
@irishidid (8734)
• United States
21 Jun 08
I had one out of wedlock and two married. If I had to do it over again they would have all been both out of wedlock.
@newsince (52)
21 Jun 08
Well I feel that you shouldn't take anything on the internet seriously. And todays a new age, plenty of people have kids without being married.
@Shawchert (1040)
• United States
21 Jun 08
As I said I wasn't going off the handle at all, but it just got me thinking about making a topic on mylot.
@cokyjazz (429)
• Australia
21 Jun 08
To be completely blunt,i have come across some complete tossers in pogo and some even admit to just going on to find someone to get at.I wasn't married when i had my first child..and i'm glad because marrying him would have been the worst decision ever made!Happy parents are best parents,whether they are single,married or not..it shouldn't matter.Don't let others bring you down..if you are happy with your current situation..let those trouble makers know you don't give two hoots what they think.
@Shawchert (1040)
• United States
21 Jun 08
Lol yeah pogo people need to find better things to do but I get people who rile things up at work, it can happen anywhere:) I don't let it get to me really, although calling my son a b*stard isn't a really good thing to say, even if it is true in literal terms, I don't care. but my son can't defend himself. and yes I'm happy knowing that I have son a beautiful little boy and being able to take care of him is my life!
• United States
21 Jun 08
I think it's a good thing to be married or in a very serious relationship. Having said that, I am a single mother who has never been married. There are some women who can do it on their own, but it's tough. Not all women can handle it. I wouldn't change the way things turned out for me. However, I have seen some stuff that made me shake my head. People who do stupid things shouldn't have kids, single OR married. I really think it boils down to the person. I can't say I would advocate doing it on one's own, though. I was 23, had a lot of family support and a good job. It worked out fine for me, as I've seen it work out fine for other women. I've seen other women lose it, though.
@Shawchert (1040)
• United States
21 Jun 08
It is hard to be a single mom I agree with you very much, I had to move back home because of child care costs and so on. It's horrible! I'm very glad I have my family here to help me and not to mention my friends although someday soon I would REALLY like to get out on my own. It does depend on the person and how they are going to be and how they act. Because someone who is so immature that can't take care of themselves would have a lot coming to them in the long run if they have a child. Probably end up getting their child taken away by SS
@jdyrj777 (6556)
• United States
22 Jun 08
No, i do not believe that you should be married before having children. I don't even believe in the whole paper documentaion of married. It's a state of union. Not a hunk of paper. I know people that have been together for life only with each other that have not only children but grandchildren. I have known many more that have been married repeatedly. I mean which one seems more stable to you? Children are a blessing. I see no reason why they can not have both parents last names.
@nicky35 (748)
22 Jun 08
i think that man was very old fashioned and very rude.In an ideal world everyone would be married,and happy and their kids would all be happy.there would also be world peace and blue skies,but it aint an ideal world.i have three kids,they all have the same dad and im not married.stuff em,its nobodies buisness.